The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 People's Choice Awards Edition

"Oh Damn."

Jessica "Hips Don't Lie" Alba

What woman on this planet wants to purposely make their hips look wider than they are??? This dress on Alba is soooo severe. From the hips jutting out, to the cone boobs, to the sleeves that are most likely prohibiting her from lifting her arms up more than an inch...I'm uncomfortable looking at her.

Chris Sides gets the quote of the night on this one: "It will be all the rage on Saturn in 2045..."

p.s. Ashton Kutcher is a douche

Carrie "I Really Hope She Catches Something in That Net" Underwood

Here's a case of the dreaded "Scrolldown Disaster" dress.

When I first caught a glimpse of Carrie sitting in the audience, I was like, "Oooh, ok, this could be cute! But just watch, she'll totally let me down with some shitty 3\4 length dress bullshit..." (I really did say this, just ask Rene)

Well, she did. She let me down big time. What is that spiderweb, unfinished rope, fishing net disaster hanging from her dress??? This had so much potential if it was all tight and fitted!!! But alas. On the plus side, I think she could keep this for Halloween this year. Seriously. Total slutty witch costume potential.

Chevy "Nanananananananaaa" Chase

Worst Tie of the Night. I'm fairly certain there are horses and monkeys on this tie. Horses and Monkeys....I know.

Nicole Scherzzz....er, Lead PussyCat Doll

No, I don't wish my girlfriend looked like you tonight, sorry! Ahh, the tacky Vegas Showgirl look. The gold lame just looks cheap to me. And let's be serious, the Pussycat Dolls are known for wearing funky little "next to nothing" numbers - this dress cut just seems dated on her.

Rascal Flatts

I actually have no words here. Only audible gagging noises. Minor puke in mouth.

Mariah and He Who Holds Her Up

This had to have been before Mariah killed two bottles of wine. She's seemingly still walking on her own, albeit, still clutching to her hubby.

But I digress...this "wedding dress gone bad" was so ill-fitting that a sober Mariah couldn't have walked, stepped, ran, skipped, sat, anything in this dress. It was also ill-fitting in the chesticles region. When she first bent over I swear I thought we were going to get nips. I was actually on the edge of my seat praying...SOMETHING LIVEN THIS BROADCAST UP!!! Anywho, the side boob action and back fat on this puppy were something to write home about.

Alyson "Get This Girl an Iron!" Hannigan

For those who read The Juice religiously, it's no surprise to read about my hatred for 3\4 length dresses. Look at this thing. It's not even 3\4 it's like 4\3...or something (math was not my strong point)...look, what I'm trying to say is I can only see a sliver of calf\ankle here. "Cankle" if you will. Give me thigh. Give me knees.

Listen, I think Awards shows are a big deal and that actors, musicians should agree. When stars show up to the People's Choice Awards looking like they don't give a shit, it really pisses me off. Wear a gown. OR wear a mini. It's one or the other people. The 3\4 length is half-assing it in a lazy, "eh, it's kind of dressy", dumpy kind of way. Ok, I'm done.

Sandra "Changed My Mind" Bullock

At first, I liked this. Yes, I know, it's 3\4 length (sigh), but it's got an asymmetrical drape thing going on that somehow makes it ok for me. =) But the more I look at it, the more I think Sandra is wearing suede. And that's never ok in my book - at least as far as dress material goes...there IS always a place for suede chaps in my life, though.

"HOT Damn!"

(Editor's Note: In all seriousness, my favorite dress of the night was on the People's Choice Award Girl - you know, the chick who stands in the background and hands over the award, but yet oddly there was an entire segment surrounding her and a fucking horrible product placement plugging CVS? Yeah, her. Her dress was bomb. But she's the award girl, I don't think they're even allowed on the red carpet, let alone backstage near celebrities...so no photos. If you caught the show (I'm sorry if you did), her dress was my fave by far.)
Ok, moving on...

Diane "I Do No Wrong" Kruger

HOTTTTTTTT. Where there's skintight white on Diane Kruger, there's fire. This chick's body is a solid 12. I mean, white is unflattering. White makes people look fat. Diane is putting this theory to shame, people, shame!!! Legs for days, sexy gladiator heels, Dying. Love it.

Ginnifer GOODwin

Ms. Goodwin is getting my "I Know You All Will Disagree With Me On This, But I F-ING LOVE This Dress" Award. I'm L.O.V.E. LOVING this dress. Who knew a simple draping across the waist could make stripes figure-flattering? The giant flower strap is an interesting piece (in a good way) and it just fits with her pixie haircut. Just absolutely loving the whole look on her. It's very reminiscent of Carrie Bradshaw season 3, but I think that's a super good thing. Petite pixie girls can totally pull this look off. And Ginnifer is doing just that.

Whoa! It's a Juice Two-fer!!!
Katie Cassidy (from Melrose Place...I had no clue either before Google)

Kellan Lutz (new crush)

In a snooze-fest of an Awards Show and an even more boring night of fashion choices from our stars, Katie Cassidy, a relative newbie, gave me some excitement by taking a risk and rocking something edgy. Kellan Lutz presented alongside her in an equally cool "Huey Lewis and The News-ish" jacket and skinny tie. I loved it. They look hot. They look young. They look like they're ready to move up the C list to A list chain in Hollywood.

Kate "I Love Goooooooold" Walsh

Some critics have panned this dress on Kate, but I heart it. I think the gold sequins were classy and fun...and not cheap-looking *Nicole PussyCat Doll take notice* It stood out in a sea of blah this awards night. She made a great choice in the high nude pump, her legs couldn't have looked longer. Sexy!!!

Juiciest Color of the Night: Dania Ramirez

Thank you, Dania, for bringing some poppin' color to this show!!! This jewel-tone color has been HOT on the red carpet this year and I was happy to see it tonight! I actually love the bow - although she might look a little heinous from the side, but whatevs - and her shoes are KILLING IT.

The "It" Girl of 2010We should all be prepared to see Ellen's face everywhere in 2010...and I'm A-OK with it. I have such a crush on her. If I were a lesbian, I'd totally want to date her. Strike that. I'm straight and I want to date her. Mad props for her always sticking to her signature style. And that's not a bad thing at all.

Taraji P. "Making Comfy Look Good" Henson

Ms. Henson also gets my "Juiciest Hair of the Night" Award. It's flawless. She's flawless. She typically does no wrong at Awards shows. And to all of my 3\4 length dress-wearing ladies, take note: in my opinion, here we have a "lay-up" dress for Taraji. It's probably her "C" choice in a rack of "A's" for the rest of Awards season. But it's still absolutely red carpet appropriate. It's not lazy. Well done!



Tay Tay

She is sooooo adorable. That is all.

Tay Tay

SWOON. Puma Alert. That is all.