The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Edition

Oh, Damn.

Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Jenna and Tito

Well, Jenna looks ok. I guess when you're a superstar porn star, any time you're out and wearing clothes it's a win on technicalities. But, Tito. OH, Tito. Honey, when your dome is that large, you should NEVER wear a skinny tie to accentuate the largeness that is your melon, and neck for that matter. And when you're a celebrity, I don't ever want to catch button-fly jeans on you. You have enough money to custom fit your (insert designer jean name here).

Snooki! Orange You Glad I'm Juicing Her?

I could talk for days about how Snooks needs to lay off the bronzer and self-tanner. Instead, let's talk the dress. Back in the day, we had this hilarious store at the mall called "Rave." And it's everything you're imagining. Snooki is modeling a 1992 vintage Rave dress here. OMG, the cut-outs on the arms? Seriously. She might as well throw some snaps at the end of that dress and make it a "dress and\or bodysuit."

We Have a Situation Here

These two just look like cartoon characters. Cartoon characters with a lot of STDs.

Speaking of STDs.....Ron Artest and his "date"

Is it wrong of me to ask why Ron Artest is even at the MTV Video Music Awards? Someone should have told him that when that rare invite happens, you shouldn't show up with a chick in full bodysuit velvet. Which reminds me of one of the greatest quotes in television:

"Honey, I love you. I think you're a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead."

Holy Hell Robyn.

Could this possibly be inspired by the upcoming TRON? If so, not quite sure where the hippie bomber jacket came into play...maybe she was feeling a little body conscious in her LATEX BODYSUIT.

And those wedges are just asking for a sprained ankle, people. A lot of cork died for those bad boys.

Caption Me?

Just looking at this picture makes me laugh out loud. I think nothing more can be said.

PARAMustache

Paramore is, like, the cutest band, for real (said in teenaged Juice voice, before she hit puberty). I think Hayley can dye her hair whatever color she feels like, just because she can sing with the best of them. My gaze though...my gaze keeps settling on that delicious molestache on the left...can't, look, away....

Wow.

*jaw drops to floor*

*picks jaw up*

HOLY SHIT.

In situations like this, where I am literally at a loss for words to completely articulate my feelings on how utterly ridiculous, atrocious, and hysterical an outfit is, there is only one phrase that comes to mind:

"Cocaine's a hell of a drug."

Where's Jesus on Your Necklusssss Ke$ha?!

Xena Warrior Princess on a lot of drugs.

Is that a garbage bag turned into a dress? Sounds like a pretty bitchin' Project Runway quickfire, right? I think we're about 2 steps away from seeing full blown vag, too. So...this is a win for Ke$ha, all things considered.

GAGAlicious

That is one hell of a feather mohawk. I didn't think there could be a cooler one since I saw Rufio's in Hook.

And then she rocked THIS one. If I were Cory Monteith, I wouldn't be laughing. I would be slowly moving backward...you know, just in case she made any sudden head movements and spikes went flying.

Is anyone else hungry?

America's Next Top Model?

Eva Pigford is stunning. But has anyone who's won Tyra's money-maker ANTM ever become a "top model?" Anywho...Eva loses the "Ice Princess-tastic" theme of the night in a skater dress gone bad. This is so bad it would be a win for the Skating with the Stars cast. *Ba-dum-ching!*

DeadMau5

We'd have posture like that if we wore a 10 lb. costume head at all times. Seriously, does anyone have a picture of what this guy looks like? It has to be some Phantom of the Opera shit, right? He woos young ladies with his sick beats, yet his face is so disturbingly disfigured he finds that covering it with a dead mouse is even better than what's underneath...

Oh, Cher.

She wishes she could turrnnn backkk timmmeeee.....then she would finnddd aaa wayyyy.....

This get-up wasn't cool in the 90s and it certainly isn't cool in 2010. There's throwbacks and vintage and then there's this. And I swear to God, if her ass cheeks are hanging out, my head might explode.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Edition

Hot Damn!

Miami Vice: The Shore.

You know, honestly? Ronnie and Vinny look kind of hot. Maybe it's because we've lived through 3 seasons of the Jersey Shore and the more I see them, the more adorable they become. It's like that guy that lives next door who, when you first met him, you thought was a huge dweeb and maybe a generous "4 out of 10." But now that you've gone dateless for the last 3 months and he keeps bringing in your trash cans, he's looking more and more like a solid 6.

Rosario "Hot Leather" Dawson

Love Love Loving this entire look on Rosario! This is exactly how you wear a leather dress. It's fitted beautifully and it's sexy, yet classy. Leather dresses do NOT need to be cut right below the crotch, ladies! What's making me swoon the most, though, is the fabulous blue color along with the teal pumps and red lip. It's absolutely working for me. Girlfriend looks FIERCE.

Penn "Casz-Cool" Badgley

*Le Sigh* He could be shopping at the mall right now, as opposed to walking a red carpet for an awards show, but I really don't care at all. He looks delicious.....

Sorry, just had to go grab a towel to wipe the drool.

Katy "Teenage Dream" Perry

Was I a tad disappointed Katy didn't walk the red carpet in her stereotypical costume, complete with neon color wig? Yes. However, there were so many other freakazoids at this year's VMAs that I'm glad she didn't go that route. When Katy does "pretty," she nails it. In what I'm calling the trend of the night - "Ice Princess-tastic" - she does the figure skater-look wonderfully. So much so, that I will overlook the blue and pink highlights that come out of nowhere. I'm a nice Juice tonight. It's because I'm only on my first glass of Chardonnay. Wait til I get to Nicki Minaj.

Jordan Catalanooooooooooo

I will always and forever love Jared Leto. Ignore the two vagrants next to him (not like you were even looking at them, anyway). He is seriously so fricken HOT. Total wheelhouse. My #2 behind David Beckham, for obvious reasons. Oh, and to talk fashion for just a sec, I'm obsessed with his leather jacket. Ok, now let's get back to swooning...

Florence and Her Machine

When you break it down, there are a number of reasons why this dress should NOT work.

1. Full body nude

2. Zip-up

3. Full body nude ANTIQUE LACE

Read those out loud and you're like "um, gross." But Flo looks crazily stunning. She's got that Dita Von Teese thing going on a bit - that "pale face, red lip, vintage dress" style. Kudos.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Ciara

OBSESSED over this dress. Ugh, the ostrich feathers are soooooo stunning here. Very chic and edgy. The lace is phenomenal and cuts in such a sexy way on her arms. Dying. I. Want. This. Dress.

Drake "Oh You Fancy, Huh?"

Ok. Even though this is a scrolldown nightmare when you get to the....Japanese slippers?? But I love a good-looking guy in all black. I do. I really do.

Audrina "So Icy" Patridge

Funny nugget: Audrina is listed as a "television personality." I would say yes to television, no to personality. BUT, this is a sassy dress. Heart the glitz glamour and glitter.

Ashley "Bitch Face" Greene

Girl gives good face. When you look beyond how unhappy she seems here, this is an adorable dress. It's so hard to fail with black and white. It's young, fun, and girly. Just what the VMAs red carpet needs.