The Juice...according to Jackie - Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 Premiere

K-Stew + R.Patz = Love?

Don't they look soooooo happy, you guys? 

And by happy, I mean ridiculously, stupidly stoned out of their minds...

Kristen "Nudie McNuderton" Stewart

I honestly LOVE this dress upon first glance. 

(Key words: "upon first glance.") 

First of all, she's 100% glowing. You know...that "I just cheated on my boyfriend, got caught, apologized, and my boyfriend took me back"- glow. They should bottle that shit. 

I love the nude. It's shocking in a good way. I love the boning and that "Japanese sun rays" sort of thing coming out of her belt. Again, at first glance.

Upon further inspection, though, is when I start to hate this dress. What's with the boob cups? NO ONE'S boobs are shaped like that, let alone fit into a shape like that. And what's with the Japanese sun rays? You know what I mean:

And most importantly, upon further inspection, that see-through thing that's happening on her skirt is showing FAR too much vagina for my liking. Whoa, too much vagina for Juice? I know...I know...this is unlike me. But here's why it's bad vagina. She is 1000% wearing the most heinous nude granny panty bodysuit I have ever seen created. Those Spanx look like those giant diaper panties hanging in the JCPenny ladies underwear section. You know what I'm talking about.

Take Exhibit A: her ass. 

Yikes.

This is not sexy. If I'm Robert, I'm not putting a hand on that ass at all.

Edward *sigh*

Don't hate me because I love it. Yeah, it's probably because Robert Pattinson gives me a total Juice boner...that white skin, those green eyes, the bad teeth, British accent...yeah. He can do no wrong for me. Granted, yes, he does kind look like a House of Wax figurine here. And that material is beyond unforgiving -- the pull at the buttons...I can't imagine what the pants will look like after he sits down for the first time. Probably some weird crotch lines. But ultimately, I think it's different and I enjoy different. The emerald green is absolutely doing it for me. 

Elle "Scrolldown Nightmare" Fanning

Wait for it. Wait for it...WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS ON HER FEET? 

 They look like dentures being glued into a mouth...which will then rocket said mouth into outer space to make peace with the aliens.

And what's with the diaper skirt? Is "Grandma Chic" a new thing? We got Kristen's granny spanx and now this incredible satin diaper on Elle? Ugh. 

I'm also concerned that we have a new Chloe Sevigny on our hands here.

 Try Harder Next Time: Joe Anderson

 Who styled this guy? The costume designers for American Idol? My god, he looks like he's singing for his life tonight with the Bryan Adams hit, "Everything I Do, I Do It For You," but inevitably he'll fall to his 16 year old boy band competition who will sing Britney's "I'm a Slave" acoustically while playing the guitar.

Julian Morris*

 *Who are these people??? 

Shhh...it's (Dakota Fanning)

 In an effort to remove herself as far away as possible from being recognized as a relative to Elle Fanning, Dakota went brunette incognito wearing her mom's Christmas tablecloth.

Edi Gathegi

YES. 100% YES. This is how you do red carpet. And if those lapels are actually leather, I'm even more in love. 

Kellan "I'll Be Your Server Tonight" Lutz

 "Tonight we have a very delicious bone-in ribeye served with a classic bearnaise sauce, sauteed mushrooms, and garlic fries..."

 Nikki Reed

 I always feel like...somebody's watching meeee...and I have no privacy...whoaaa...

Is it just me or is an evil Siamese cat staring at me right now?

And just for shits and giggles....this woman is for real, people. FOR REAL. God help us. She's a big reason restraining orders exist.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Emmy's

Oh, DAMN.

Lena "Smoke Show?" Headey

Ooooh, ooooh, witchy woman... 

What you don't know is that Lena is about to drop a smoke bomb at her feet and disappear into thin air while cackling, "Game of Thrones will win next year, my pretties!!!" 

Try Harder Next Time:

Amanda Peet

 I have never been more bored looking at a beautiful actress on the red carpet than I am right now. I'm literally falling asleep as I typeeee thissss......

Try Even Harder Next Time:

Kristen Wiig

Kristen just got really stoned and realized she didn't have anything to wear. Ran out to the mall and grabbed this bad boy off the rack at Guess. Clearance. Boom. 

Battle of the Worst Hair:

Ashley Judd's Snooki Poof

Life could start and thrive within that poof on Ashley's head. There could be gnomes building cities as we speak. If that was done without a bump-it, I have the utmost respect for the hairstylist who created that thing. Is there a Guinness World Record for highest poof? Because Ashley may have it by a few inches here, for real. 

Julianne Hough's Helmet

And let's talk Julianne, shall we? Every awards season I continue to be befuddled as to why she's there...at least this time she got the dress right - stunning. But dammit that helmet head of pin curls is so unatrractive that even her boo Ryan commented he would have rather she wore her hair down. Honey, listen to your man. For obvious reasons. Obvious. Reasons.

Glenn Close Has Finally Disappointed Me

Almost always competing in The Juice's Battle of the Cougars, Glenn has let me down this year. This zigzag monstrosity looks like an actual cougar attacked her on the way in. 

Emilia "Ghost" Clarke

*Juice Nerd Alert: I'm a Game of Thrones fan. Ok, so I don't read the books, but yes, I watch the show and love every medieval fantastical moment. So here we have Daenerys Targaryen - typically bleach blonde, sometimes naked, and Mother to Dragons (can't you see why I love the show?)

So obviously I had to double-take as to who the hell this was at first...but more importantly, I double-took to see if the monster was going to crawl out of that slit. I feel like pure evil is locked away into that chamber of white.

Hayden "Prom Queen" Panettiere

For the record: I don't hate this. However, I really want to go Project Runway on this frock, take some scissors and cut that terrible blue prom sash off. Imagine without it...the dress would be beautiful! It's just far too much fabric. Tim Gunn would then say "Make it Work, Juice" and I'd melt a little. 

Jeremy "Cray" Davies

Dude MUST have been drunk at the barber. How else can you explain hair like that? He literally had missing patches on the sides.

NOT rocking the Juiciest Theme of the Night: Citrus

Julianne Moore

When my mom texts me with "your dad says Julianne Moore looks hideous" you really haven't nailed your red carpet look. 

Battle of the Cougars: 

Who Looks Worst Trying to Look Young?

Christine Baranski

 Oh, honey. I mean. I don't think I would wear an all sequin gold dress this short...ok yeah I would, who am I kidding? But seriously, where is her daughter at to say, "Mom....absolutely not. You'll embarrass me!" (and then runs off with the dress for herself)... 

Connie Britton

 "I'm here to seduce you Mr. Powers."

FEMBOT.

Edie Falco

 Is that Kaley Cuoco? 

 Dont' Hate Me Because I Hated It: Kerry Washington

Lots of chatter about Kerry Washington and the fashionista that she is and what she was going to show up in...so maybe that's why I was disappointed. Honestly, I thought the sequins looked cheap. And the cowl neck dated. And her hair a snooze-fest. But I'm sure she'll be on the best-dressed lists. So in any case, I'll just take another sip of wine.

 Lucy "Do The Hustle" Liu

 Break out the roller skates and ABBA, I want to put this chick on a string and hang her from my basement ceiling and get my 70s groove on. 

That, or I'd put her out on the battlefield...front lines. Nothing is getting through that armor. Nothing.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: 

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Do you think Nicole ever farted in front of Keith and they both laughed about it? Because I don't.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Emmy's

HOT DAMN! 

¡Viva Sofia Vergara!

I think we can all agree that Darryl Hannah was the hottest mermaid in the 80s, but Sofia has claimed the title for 2012. This underwater fantasy of a dress is absolute perfection on her. God smiled upon us when he created this woman. Although, if I were God (and don't we all want to be or think we are, sometimes?) I'd take a shot of Jamo and yell "I AM AWESOME!" for creating her.

Allison GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS Williams 

Sneak attack! We didn't see much of Allison on the E! Red Carpet, but don't worry, The Juice noticed. Hands down, this is my favorite look of the night.  The structure throughout the bodice, the emerald green against her gorgeous pale skin, I love I love I love. I would do dangerous things to own this dress...

Battle of the Boobs: 

Christina Hendricks vs. Kat Dennings

I never thought anyone could rival my beloved Christina's beyond beautiful and bountiful buxom...until my jaw dropped over Kat Dennings. And by jaw drop, I mean drool and stare obsessively. Let's be serious, if you've ever caught a second of "Two Broke Girls" (and you really only need a second before you want to stab your eyes out and change the channel), you'd notice those bad boys brutally tucked into a horrific mustard yellow waitress get-up. So let this be a lesson learned...let them free Kat. Let those boobs say hello to the world. 

Best Use of Divorce: Amy Poehler

I've said it before, I'll say it again: nothing does a body better than a Hollywood break-up or divorce. 

(See Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston...)

Those women all KILLED the red carpet post-big break-ups...and now Amy Poehler joins that sexy-ass crew. Work it, girl.

Bryan Cranston Breaking Hearts

Possibly in homage to his fellow nominated show, Bryan Cranston channeled his inner Don Draper and looked beyond classic and sexy in his (color of the night) navy suit with black piping. What I really want to know is whether he's wearing those infamous Hanes tightie whiteys, though...am I right??

Juiciest Theme of the Night: CITRUS DELICIOUSNESS

Kat Deeley

Claire Danes

Julie Bowen

Kaley Cuoco

Padma Lakshmi

I want to drink up the delicious sunshine in all of these beauties. Since it's already fall in Chicago, I felt like this was an awesome last cry for a summer extension...but it was 90 fricken degrees in LA, so the color pallette was perfect for the occasion. Everyone knows how much I love a pop of color (especially yellow) so you know that each one of these dresses made me very happy on the inside. Also, I really want a Mojito in one hand and a Miami Vice in the other right now. Don't judge.

Don't Hate Me Because I LOVE It: Elisabeth Moss

I'm 100% obsessed with this look. Maybe it's because her body is absolutely bangin' and the fit and cut of this dress is magic for her curves. Or maybe it's because so many people struggle with the high slit \ exposed shoes and wear the completely wrong style...and hers are perfection. Or maybe it's because I'm super obsessed with short, bleach blonde hair right now. Whatever it is...I'm swooning. 

#HEIDI'SLEG

Listen, Angie knew exactly what she was doing...

So let's get it trending, shall we? 

Juiciest Couples of the Night: 

Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Thomas

I adore the purple coordination. And Alec just looks sooooo happy. 

I mean, wouldn't you if your new bride was 24 and a yoga instructor??

Ellen and Portia de Rossi

Ellen rocked the navy suit better than any dude on the red carpet last night. And Portia de Rossi is just.so.hot. In the past, I've slayed women for rocking a pantsuit \ jumpsuit to awards shows, but this totally works for me. The nude, Chanel-like texture is simple and sexy. 

Leslie Mann and Judd Apatow

Looooooooved this dress on Leslie. Although I did tweet that the pearl beading on the bodice made my nipples hurt for her. What if a snag occurred? In fairness, I'm sure there's a nude lining under there, but let's still go with the imagery of a nipple snag on pearls. Sounds like a good porn concept, no?

Oh, and Judd cleans up nicely.

Loyalty: I Heart January Jones

I'm loyal to those I love. And as much as I despised January's strawberry blonde slicked hair and sloppy hooker makeup, her dress is fucking fabulous people. I mean. FAB.U.LOUS. It's exactly the couture crazy I expect her to bring every awards season. Let's just fire that hair and makeup person, though, shall we? 

Zooey Cinderelli Cinderelli

  But I wanna Emmy NOW!!

Isn't there something about a Cinderella ball gown that takes us back to 8 years old again...playing dress-up, having a tea party, pouting over that third cookie you really wanted and mom wouldn't let you have...?

If you don't know what I mean, just turn on TLC or Oxygen during the day and check out a wedding episode.

Chicago Street Love

There's a really adorable trend going on in my neck of the woods lately: graffiti hearts! I first spotted the construction heart a few weeks ago and they keep popping up all over the place now. I have to admit, the hopeless romantic in me adores this trend and hope it continues...nothing better than knowing someone out there is in love and wants to scream it from the mountain tops, but doesn't have a mountain top, they have a graffiti marker. 

XO 

Juice