The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Edition

Oh, Damn.

Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Jenna and Tito

Well, Jenna looks ok. I guess when you're a superstar porn star, any time you're out and wearing clothes it's a win on technicalities. But, Tito. OH, Tito. Honey, when your dome is that large, you should NEVER wear a skinny tie to accentuate the largeness that is your melon, and neck for that matter. And when you're a celebrity, I don't ever want to catch button-fly jeans on you. You have enough money to custom fit your (insert designer jean name here).

Snooki! Orange You Glad I'm Juicing Her?

I could talk for days about how Snooks needs to lay off the bronzer and self-tanner. Instead, let's talk the dress. Back in the day, we had this hilarious store at the mall called "Rave." And it's everything you're imagining. Snooki is modeling a 1992 vintage Rave dress here. OMG, the cut-outs on the arms? Seriously. She might as well throw some snaps at the end of that dress and make it a "dress and\or bodysuit."

We Have a Situation Here

These two just look like cartoon characters. Cartoon characters with a lot of STDs.

Speaking of STDs.....Ron Artest and his "date"

Is it wrong of me to ask why Ron Artest is even at the MTV Video Music Awards? Someone should have told him that when that rare invite happens, you shouldn't show up with a chick in full bodysuit velvet. Which reminds me of one of the greatest quotes in television:

"Honey, I love you. I think you're a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead."

Holy Hell Robyn.

Could this possibly be inspired by the upcoming TRON? If so, not quite sure where the hippie bomber jacket came into play...maybe she was feeling a little body conscious in her LATEX BODYSUIT.

And those wedges are just asking for a sprained ankle, people. A lot of cork died for those bad boys.

Caption Me?

Just looking at this picture makes me laugh out loud. I think nothing more can be said.

PARAMustache

Paramore is, like, the cutest band, for real (said in teenaged Juice voice, before she hit puberty). I think Hayley can dye her hair whatever color she feels like, just because she can sing with the best of them. My gaze though...my gaze keeps settling on that delicious molestache on the left...can't, look, away....

Wow.

*jaw drops to floor*

*picks jaw up*

HOLY SHIT.

In situations like this, where I am literally at a loss for words to completely articulate my feelings on how utterly ridiculous, atrocious, and hysterical an outfit is, there is only one phrase that comes to mind:

"Cocaine's a hell of a drug."

Where's Jesus on Your Necklusssss Ke$ha?!

Xena Warrior Princess on a lot of drugs.

Is that a garbage bag turned into a dress? Sounds like a pretty bitchin' Project Runway quickfire, right? I think we're about 2 steps away from seeing full blown vag, too. So...this is a win for Ke$ha, all things considered.

GAGAlicious

That is one hell of a feather mohawk. I didn't think there could be a cooler one since I saw Rufio's in Hook.

And then she rocked THIS one. If I were Cory Monteith, I wouldn't be laughing. I would be slowly moving backward...you know, just in case she made any sudden head movements and spikes went flying.

Is anyone else hungry?

America's Next Top Model?

Eva Pigford is stunning. But has anyone who's won Tyra's money-maker ANTM ever become a "top model?" Anywho...Eva loses the "Ice Princess-tastic" theme of the night in a skater dress gone bad. This is so bad it would be a win for the Skating with the Stars cast. *Ba-dum-ching!*

DeadMau5

We'd have posture like that if we wore a 10 lb. costume head at all times. Seriously, does anyone have a picture of what this guy looks like? It has to be some Phantom of the Opera shit, right? He woos young ladies with his sick beats, yet his face is so disturbingly disfigured he finds that covering it with a dead mouse is even better than what's underneath...

Oh, Cher.

She wishes she could turrnnn backkk timmmeeee.....then she would finnddd aaa wayyyy.....

This get-up wasn't cool in the 90s and it certainly isn't cool in 2010. There's throwbacks and vintage and then there's this. And I swear to God, if her ass cheeks are hanging out, my head might explode.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Edition

Hot Damn!

Miami Vice: The Shore.

You know, honestly? Ronnie and Vinny look kind of hot. Maybe it's because we've lived through 3 seasons of the Jersey Shore and the more I see them, the more adorable they become. It's like that guy that lives next door who, when you first met him, you thought was a huge dweeb and maybe a generous "4 out of 10." But now that you've gone dateless for the last 3 months and he keeps bringing in your trash cans, he's looking more and more like a solid 6.

Rosario "Hot Leather" Dawson

Love Love Loving this entire look on Rosario! This is exactly how you wear a leather dress. It's fitted beautifully and it's sexy, yet classy. Leather dresses do NOT need to be cut right below the crotch, ladies! What's making me swoon the most, though, is the fabulous blue color along with the teal pumps and red lip. It's absolutely working for me. Girlfriend looks FIERCE.

Penn "Casz-Cool" Badgley

*Le Sigh* He could be shopping at the mall right now, as opposed to walking a red carpet for an awards show, but I really don't care at all. He looks delicious.....

Sorry, just had to go grab a towel to wipe the drool.

Katy "Teenage Dream" Perry

Was I a tad disappointed Katy didn't walk the red carpet in her stereotypical costume, complete with neon color wig? Yes. However, there were so many other freakazoids at this year's VMAs that I'm glad she didn't go that route. When Katy does "pretty," she nails it. In what I'm calling the trend of the night - "Ice Princess-tastic" - she does the figure skater-look wonderfully. So much so, that I will overlook the blue and pink highlights that come out of nowhere. I'm a nice Juice tonight. It's because I'm only on my first glass of Chardonnay. Wait til I get to Nicki Minaj.

Jordan Catalanooooooooooo

I will always and forever love Jared Leto. Ignore the two vagrants next to him (not like you were even looking at them, anyway). He is seriously so fricken HOT. Total wheelhouse. My #2 behind David Beckham, for obvious reasons. Oh, and to talk fashion for just a sec, I'm obsessed with his leather jacket. Ok, now let's get back to swooning...

Florence and Her Machine

When you break it down, there are a number of reasons why this dress should NOT work.

1. Full body nude

2. Zip-up

3. Full body nude ANTIQUE LACE

Read those out loud and you're like "um, gross." But Flo looks crazily stunning. She's got that Dita Von Teese thing going on a bit - that "pale face, red lip, vintage dress" style. Kudos.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Ciara

OBSESSED over this dress. Ugh, the ostrich feathers are soooooo stunning here. Very chic and edgy. The lace is phenomenal and cuts in such a sexy way on her arms. Dying. I. Want. This. Dress.

Drake "Oh You Fancy, Huh?"

Ok. Even though this is a scrolldown nightmare when you get to the....Japanese slippers?? But I love a good-looking guy in all black. I do. I really do.

Audrina "So Icy" Patridge

Funny nugget: Audrina is listed as a "television personality." I would say yes to television, no to personality. BUT, this is a sassy dress. Heart the glitz glamour and glitter.

Ashley "Bitch Face" Greene

Girl gives good face. When you look beyond how unhappy she seems here, this is an adorable dress. It's so hard to fail with black and white. It's young, fun, and girly. Just what the VMAs red carpet needs.

Hotness of the Week and Fugness of the Week

Kim "Costume Change FAIL" Kardashian

It's difficult to take double honors on The Juice, but Kim Kardashian managed to make me drool and then make me vomit -- all in one night. It may seem impressive for Kim to conjure up such opposing feelings in me, but I need consistency...or so my therapist tells me.

On Kim's 30th Birthday Bash at Tao in Las Vegas, she hit the red carpet pre-festivities in what could possibly be the most epic Vegas\Birthday\I'm 30 and Still Smokin' Hot\and Single dress ever. I'm not sure how she's breathing, but it doesn't matter because this dress is a 10 on the

boner-scale.

Later in the evening, Kim opted for a costume change. And by costume, I mean Little House on the Prairie meets the Housewives of New York. WTF. Pointy toe heels + lace +"shoulder pad contraption doilies" + severe up-do DOES NOT = 30th birthday party in Vegas. It is the exact opposite of what any woman should go for.

The only situation that can explain this disastrous wardrobe choice is this: a rich and sexy Armenian man showed up and swept Kim off her feet - leaving her feeling monogamous and virginal for this love of her life that she will soon marry, thus the choice in dress.

Unfortunately, I don't think that was the case. *Sigh*

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

In light of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, The Juice wants to talk PINK...particularly in the NFL. I am getting such a kick out of seeing the array of pink accessories worn by players this October. My personal favorite is seen below: the ombre pink to black gloves are pretty bomb.

Let's talk about the questionable pink accessory though:

The Chinstrap.

But it's all subjective. :)

Feel Your Boobies, Ladies!

xoxo

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Emmys Edition

"Hot Damn!"

January "I'm Blue Ba Da Dee Ba Da Da Daaa" Jones

I am 1,000% INSANE over this dress. OB-SESSED. Clearly I stand alone in this love, since it seems NBC's Billy Bush and Laura Whatshername called it a "miss"...whatever...the fact that those two are even allowed to critique is in and of itself ludicrous...but I'm standing proud dammit. This dress is sheer genius. In a snoozetastic red carpet filled with black and navy, this blue literally knocked my socks off and I praised the fashion Gods. Thank you, January, for taking a risk.

And by the way, these are not "cone boobs," as everyone is calling them.

THESE are.

Claire "I Obviously Need to Watch Temple Grandin" Danes


Ah, far from the days of Angela Chase on "My So Called Life," aren't we? Claire Danes is an absolute smokeshow. This was my second fave look\dress of the night. I don't know many bodies that would fit into this Armani Prive creation; and this bad-boy fit exquisitely. Thus, Claire gets my "please eat a cheeseburger" plea, but I'll give her a pass this time.

p.s. Jewel, take note, this color is heavenly on you blondes...less frill, more sex. Thank you.





Jennifer's Body

STUNNING. "Please eat a cheeseburger." But STUNNING. Sleek, sophisticated, smashing, um, I've run out of "S's"...





Ryan "FangBanger" Kwanten

Absolutely dying over this True Blood hottie and any excuse to say or write the word FangBanger makes me all tingly inside. Anywho, I am looooving the subtle plaid in this tux. Very Tom Ford. And I love a gentleman risk-taker as much as any lady out there.

Heidi "50-50" Klum

Here we have a case of "Juice took a closer look and, upon further inspection, really digs this." I still don't love the necklace - I think it makes the whole look a little too busy - but Heidi is just exuding sexy fun. I can see Cameron Diaz in a very similar get-up.

In related news, how is she unsperminated right now? Hasn't it been, like, 3 months since her last child? This is unlike Seal. I'm worried.

Heather "She's in Glee" Morris

Yes, even I have to imdb.com sometimes. I mean, shit, I even watch Glee and did not recognize her as Brittany the cheerleader. This is old Hollywood glamour at its best. Blonde finger waves, red lip, shining gold. Excellent touch with a skinny black cinch of the waist.

Kyra "Gets Better with Age" Sedgwick

Who here would kill for Kyra's beauty secret to looking hotter as she gets older? Phenomenal. Maybe Kevin Bacon is really great in the sack and they have a wonderful sex life that keeps them both feeling 20 again. God bless you Viagra.

Juiciest Same Sex Couple of the Night: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burka

I'm convinced most of Hollywood is unaware of the phrase "outkicked my coverage with my girlfriend\boyfriend"...they don't need to. They're beautiful. And this couple above proves it. NPH in the grey tux and black lapel did it just right for me.

Lea "She's in Glee, too, but you Probably Knew That Already" Michelle

Sporting an Oscar de la Renta creation, Lea looked much better than, but very similar to, her 2010 Golden Globes catastrophe. Apparently she digs black. And goth. But here's where she edited perfectly: her hair is soft...not severe. And her mermaid silhouette is far less massive than the web seen below. Kudos for learning from your mistakes, sweetheart. xoxo

circa 2010 Golden Globes

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Lauren Graham

I sweat this. Big time. Heart the abstract. In a world where black and white has been done time and time again, I think this is creative. And, most importantly, I would rock the shit out of this.

*Editor's note: I would, however, change the shoes.

Christina "Flotation Devices" Hendricks

I know I always mention Christina's luscious melons but....how can you NOT? My God, look at those things. They're beautiful. And you know who isn't beautiful? Her goofy boyfriend, Geoffrey Arend, better known as the guy in Super Troopers who, while licking the inside of a police car, said "the snozzberries taste like snozzberries"...but guess what? This guy is well aware of the "outkicked my coverage" phrase. I mean, he knew that Christina was wearing Zac Posen, without a hitch. That, my friends, is true love.

Sookie

(said with Bill Compton accent and fervor)

and Stephen Moyer, TIE for Juiciest Straight Couple of the Night

Call me nuts but I died over Anna's Alexander McQueen gown. It's like a nod to the fierce gladiator. Not fierce like battle fierce - I mean, like, fashionista, homolicious fierce. I love it. And I will defend it to the death.

And what more is there to say about the chemistry between these two? Swooooon.

Nolan Gould

Not even worth imdb-ing...no clue who this kid is, but damn his parents didn't fart around with the Emmys. Kudos.

Amber "Goddess" Riley

Amber did this Grecian frock just right and, might I add, was one of the few people I saw sporting white...and I looove a good white-hot gown on the red carpet. Oh, and thank you for not going over-board with the whole "flowing train" thing... *ahem, Kim Kardashian, ahem*

Mark "He's in Glee" Salling

I would totally key this dude's car if he broke up with me, too. Look at him. The guy looks good ladies and gents.

Battle of the Cougars: Betty White vs. Glenn Close vs. Edie Falco

It's a pretty close race, but Betty White is on top of the f****ing world right now, let's be serious.

Juiciest MILF of the Night: Amy Poehler

She just had a baby 3 WEEKS AGO people!!! Talk about hustling back into the gym. She looks positively breathtaking in baby blue.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe

Just look. And don't forget to wipe the drool from your face.

Can you believe these two have a child together? It's like God got bored and decided He'd create the ultimate beautiful super human.