Oh, DAMN.
Lena "Smoke Show?" Headey
Ooooh, ooooh, witchy woman...
What you don't know is that Lena is about to drop a smoke bomb at her feet and disappear into thin air while cackling, "Game of Thrones will win next year, my pretties!!!"
Try Harder Next Time:
Amanda Peet
I have never been more bored looking at a beautiful actress on the red carpet than I am right now. I'm literally falling asleep as I typeeee thissss......
Try Even Harder Next Time:
Kristen Wiig
Kristen just got really stoned and realized she didn't have anything to wear. Ran out to the mall and grabbed this bad boy off the rack at Guess. Clearance. Boom.
Battle of the Worst Hair:
Ashley Judd's Snooki Poof
Life could start and thrive within that poof on Ashley's head. There could be gnomes building cities as we speak. If that was done without a bump-it, I have the utmost respect for the hairstylist who created that thing. Is there a Guinness World Record for highest poof? Because Ashley may have it by a few inches here, for real.
Julianne Hough's Helmet
And let's talk Julianne, shall we? Every awards season I continue to be befuddled as to why she's there...at least this time she got the dress right - stunning. But dammit that helmet head of pin curls is so unatrractive that even her boo Ryan commented he would have rather she wore her hair down. Honey, listen to your man. For obvious reasons. Obvious. Reasons.
Glenn Close Has Finally Disappointed Me
Almost always competing in The Juice's Battle of the Cougars, Glenn has let me down this year. This zigzag monstrosity looks like an actual cougar attacked her on the way in.
Emilia "Ghost" Clarke
*Juice Nerd Alert: I'm a Game of Thrones fan. Ok, so I don't read the books, but yes, I watch the show and love every medieval fantastical moment. So here we have Daenerys Targaryen - typically bleach blonde, sometimes naked, and Mother to Dragons (can't you see why I love the show?)
So obviously I had to double-take as to who the hell this was at first...but more importantly, I double-took to see if the monster was going to crawl out of that slit. I feel like pure evil is locked away into that chamber of white.
Hayden "Prom Queen" Panettiere
For the record: I don't hate this. However, I really want to go Project Runway on this frock, take some scissors and cut that terrible blue prom sash off. Imagine without it...the dress would be beautiful! It's just far too much fabric. Tim Gunn would then say "Make it Work, Juice" and I'd melt a little.
Jeremy "Cray" Davies
Dude MUST have been drunk at the barber. How else can you explain hair like that? He literally had missing patches on the sides.
NOT rocking the Juiciest Theme of the Night: Citrus
Julianne Moore
When my mom texts me with "your dad says Julianne Moore looks hideous" you really haven't nailed your red carpet look.
Battle of the Cougars:
Who Looks Worst Trying to Look Young?
Christine Baranski
Oh, honey. I mean. I don't think I would wear an all sequin gold dress this short...ok yeah I would, who am I kidding? But seriously, where is her daughter at to say, "Mom....absolutely not. You'll embarrass me!" (and then runs off with the dress for herself)...
Connie Britton
"I'm here to seduce you Mr. Powers."
FEMBOT.
Edie Falco
Is that Kaley Cuoco?
Dont' Hate Me Because I Hated It: Kerry Washington
Lots of chatter about Kerry Washington and the fashionista that she is and what she was going to show up in...so maybe that's why I was disappointed. Honestly, I thought the sequins looked cheap. And the cowl neck dated. And her hair a snooze-fest. But I'm sure she'll be on the best-dressed lists. So in any case, I'll just take another sip of wine.
Lucy "Do The Hustle" Liu
Break out the roller skates and ABBA, I want to put this chick on a string and hang her from my basement ceiling and get my 70s groove on.
That, or I'd put her out on the battlefield...front lines. Nothing is getting through that armor. Nothing.
UnJuiciest Couple of the Night:
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban
Do you think Nicole ever farted in front of Keith and they both laughed about it? Because I don't.
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