The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Emmy's Edition

"Oh Damn."

Mindy "The Corpse Bride" Kaling

Wow. Helena Bonham Carter should NEVER be considered a fashion muse, and unfortunately it looks like Mindy took a page right out of her evil diary. Absolutely nothing about this look is attractive. She could single-handedly win every Emmy and manage to NOT get laid at the after-parties.

Toni "Paint By Numbers" Collette

How did Bob Ross get his hands on this dress? It looks like he sparked a doobie and started painting one of his infamous "happy trees" landscapes...but then got lazy and opted for mud instead.

This is what my wall would look like if I attempted the sponge technique of painting.

Giuliana "Cache, Sashay, Shante, Shante, Shante" Rancic
Giuliana tweeted earlier in the day that she was going for a "new, more fresh" look for the Emmys. Well. Hmm. Let's see here.

Orange glow tan. Check.

Slicked back, greased, extension-happy ponytail. Check.

Shimmer metallic pink rayon dress, complete with over the top jeweled neckline. Check.

So...is "Jersey Shore" now considered "fresh???"

Jane "Whatchu Got in There?" Krakowski

Whaddya got hiding in there, Jane? A small child? That is one severe hip extension, my dear. It's almost like she planned for the heat and this extra material serves as a really great sweat towel. I really need a side angle of this bad boy, because it is one giant tumor.

Jenna "A for Effort" Fischer

Jenna finally found a hairstylist but the much-needed fashion stylist still seems to elude her. I mean, the fashion stylist is a mythical creature, that is for sure. One is attainable only when presented with magical powder and expensive gifts. You must overcome the fear of people spending your money, though, for that is a necessary trait to acquire this elusive stylist. I pray that one day Jenna will find hers.

Eva "Robin Swallows" LaRue

Somewhere, in a strip club not too far away, you can almost feel the jealousy and hear the mouths water over this get-up.

Alan Cummings (this name stands alone)

I keep checking to make sure this is, in fact, a man. Because I'm fairly certain those are women's trousers.

Jewel "When I was 17..."

Alright. Jewel has a sick body. I mean, wow. And this color is stunning on her. Now, if only there wasn't so much frill and lace and beading and bows, OH MY. It's too "Little Bo Peep." Although she does kind of look like a delicious cupcake. I'd eat her...wait, not her, per say, but eat a... *Shutup Juice*

Julia Louis Bathing Suit

Oh yeah, that's a sheer black stomach cutout. This definitely takes me back...Juice fact: I may or may not have owned a swimsuit like this back in the day. You know, it was my way of looking "sexy" while still in a gross one-piece. I was a camp counselor for 7-13 year olds; obviously no bikinis allowed in that pre-pubescent swimming pool of hormones. Not that I had anything to show off anyway at that age...SPF Sidebar: you still burn through that shit. I had some amazing tan lines that summer.

Kim "Stop Torturing Me" Kardashian

I'm having a Mariah Carey moment right now. Loyal Juice fans know that, from time to time, Mariah doesn't deliver the goods for me. By that I mean, she shows up on the red carpet sans cleavage. Kim has severe Mariah-syndrome here. What is she famous for? Tits and ass, people. So please show us why millions of people fall into the Kardashian zone and watch hours upon hours of marathon Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami episodes (I obviously don't fall into this category, no, definitely did NOT cry when Kim and Reggie broke up........) Instead Kim decided to play the "take me seriously as an actress" role by covering herself up and, even worse, rocking some horrible train\cape. Ughhhh.

Maura "Broke-ade" Tierney

Now I'm all for color. I crave color. But orange? Really? Orange brocade? I would totally make a couch or curtains out of that thing. And it'd definitely be cooler than this "dress."

COCO

I'd kill for that height. I'm talking about his hair, of course.

She Who Shall Go Nameless

WHY?

There's poking fun at yourself, and then there's Kate Gosselin. Fame Whore to the Stars. You think Jon was watching the kids at home, cursing his Christian Audigier Ed Hardy bedazzled tshirt??? (Loaded question, pause before answering)




Keri "Someone Put Baby In A Corner" Russell

Dirty Dancing meets Marilyn Monroe...I wanted this to work, but the more I look at it, it just doesn't fit her body at all. Are there boobs in there?

Oh Snap! Someone Better Fire Their Stylist!!!

That's right. You're seeing double on Nancy Carrell and Gail Simmons. 100% fireable offense in my humble opinion. Actually, in my really humble opinion, someone should be tarred and feathered for letting this happen at the Emmy's. Just sayin....

Naya "Jessica McClint-blaaaaaaaaghhhh" Rivera

In a ridiculously unsuccessful nod to Gaga, Naya Rivera's hair was an epic FAIL. During the entire red carpet broadcast I could see her dome-piece just bee-bopping around in the background itching for someone to interview her\it. Alas, the media were too scared to tackle this chick after the whole "I keyed my boyfriend, who also happens to work on Glee with me's, car when he broke up with me" scenario. I would too. She worked at Hooters. She probably has far worse revenge techniques than keying cars...



Rita "Is She Pregnant?" Wilson

Ok if she's pregnant, I 100% take back this comment, but since when do moo-moos come with embellished shawls?

Rutina "She's Getting a Tad Annoying on True Blood, Just Sayin" Wesley

Bob Ross strikes again??? That wiley bastard. I guess this is a little too abstract for Bob's taste, however, an artist of some sort definitely got a hold of this as well. It's as though they took a white dress, laid it flat across the floor like a blank canvas and rocked some brush strokes all over.

And Rutina, easy on the oil. You look slippery.

Tina "Sigh" Fey

For those that can transcribe ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, this dress reads as this:

"Close. Try Again Next Year."

Don't Hate Me because I Hate it: Sofia Vergara

It seems like everyone is raving about this dress. Well those people were obviously paid off. Because I can't look at it without thinking about a dead corpse on CSI Miami getting sliced and cut down the middle during autopsy. Or maybe I need to stop watching these kind of shows.

Fugliest Couple of the Night: Ty Burrell and His Wifey

This imaginary conversation just went on in my head:

Ty:

"Honey? What do you think?"

Wife:

"Amazing. I love the grey, it'll be different. (agreed) Definitely brown shoes with it. As a matter of fact, your old loafers will go perfectly."

Ty:

"Thanks babe. Oh, so the kids had some tie dye and I let them take a spin with your dress. What do you think? I say we add a few clusters of balls around your face and we got ourselves a gem."