The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Movie Awards Edition

"Hot Damn!"

Aziz "Hostest With the Mostest" Ansari

Aziz Ansari killed it as host for me. I'm not sure if the whole "let's drop as many F*bombs as possible tonight to really f*** with the FCC" mantra that MTV had made just about everyone more hilarious than normal, but I was buying it. He literally had me in tears with his Taavon, swagga coach extraordinaire, character. Dying.

Anna "Nerds Rule" Kendrick

Favorite dress of the night.

And let's see here...Up in the Air. Twilight Saga. New Michael Cera movie. Am I missing any? This chick is allll over the place! And when she couldn't get any cuter, she accepted her award by saying she's "way too much of a nerd to be there." It's the Year of the Nerd, hun. Own it.


Cameron "Nice Gams" Diaz

PLEASE can I look like Cam when I grow up?!? She does "young" so effortlessly and tastefully. She never fails when she shows up to Nickelodeon or MTV Awards shows...she dresses fresh and fun yet still looks age-appropriate.

Sidebar: Tom Cruise got 803,404 times cooler for his Les Grossman portrayal. Dude can dance.

K.Stew

How did she slide into this little thing? K.Stew looked soooo tiny in this dress, but it fit like a glove in a good way for me. I'm not 100% on the tweed-like skirt material in June...but this is still a good look for her. Seriously. Because I'm sure she wanted to show up in jeans, ripped t-shirt and Chuck T's...

Now, just as long as she stops tossing around double thumbs up every 5 seconds, I'll be alright. Awwwkwaaard.....

Betty "Is The Bomb" White

Is there anyone cooler right now?

When I'm Betty's age, I'm totally going to crack jokes about my age all the time, too. Like when my daughter's dog jumps up on me I'll quip with, "Wow, my boobs haven't seen this much action since 2010..."

Elizabeth "Pretty Sure She's In That Movie Called Twilight, or Something..." Reaser

I know. Please pick your jaws up from the ground loyal Juice readers. I am DIGGING the jumpsuit. There. I said it. But let's be specific here...THIS PARTICULAR JUMPSUIT ONLY (see Lindsay Lohan).

It fits. It's flattering and slimming. It's sexy, but not slutty. It's got cool blazer lapels. It dips low in the back for more sex-factor. But the best yet: no cameltoe nor fupa-inducing material!!! Yes, I'm crazy about this look. Sue me.




T.I. (it's hard to do a quote in between two letters, sorry)

I enjoyed the tangerine-spring vibe here. I did. It made my mouth water. I just want to throw a blanket on the grass and have a picnic with him in this get-up.

Scar-Jo

So honestly, I think Scarlett played it a bit safe for the MTV Movie Awards. You know, this is where you get a little more slutty than usual or a little more edgy...or slutty AND edgy if you have huge balls...Either way, she did look absolutely beautiful as she is a breathtaking creature, you just know me and I wanted a little more boob.

That being said, her interesting factor jumped huge levels when she, at first, came out on stage to insult Sandra Bullock, but then, wait for it...came out on stage to make out with Sandra Bullock. Awesome.

p.s. I love Sandra's dress too, particularly that deep back. RAWR. Jesse who???

Russell "Don't Hate Me Because I Love It" Brand

I do. I'm loving all of this shiny, wrinkled, chest hair, coked-0ut rock star look. Judge me all you want. I can take it.

The Battle of the Hills:
Listen, everyone loves some friendly competition and let's be serious, none of these bitches really like each other anyway. It's ALL about competition between them. So let's get on with it.

Audrina Patridge

I would wear this outfit. But I don't love it on her. It just looks a little big and "potato sack-y" (see footnote) due to the fact that she's probably topping off at a whopping 91 lbs. but....whatevs. Shoes are fierce, though.

*The Book of Juice: potato sack-y. adjective. a dress looking like, or smelling like, a potato sack hanging loosely on one's body. see sacktastic.

Whitney Port

Whitney takes the prize here for me. I loooove yellow and this "bandage" thing she has going on here is totally Rock&Roll. Rhinestone booties are to-die-for and they don't distract from the look, either. Now, if she could touch up those roots, we might have a total winner winner chicken dinner here.


Jaden "Does Hollywood Have Any New Ideas Anymore?" Smith

T.I., I know you're pointing at that jacket and thinking, "damn, that's a fly jacket"...right?? Because I am thinking that. I want that jacket. I would rock the shit out of that thing.



Paris "Where Have You Been Hiding?" Hilton

It's good to see Paris break free from whatever nonsense it is that she's been doing lately. And as much as I want the celebs to take risks at the MTV Movie Awards, I'm really glad Paris didn't. Otherwise I'd be fugging her ass up on the "Oh, No You Didn't." When she actually dresses like a relatively normal person, she can be soooo pretty. I think she looks stunning here.

Unfortunately, I know in my heart that tomorrow she'll go right back to disappointing me with an all hot pink matching velour sweatsuit with rhinestone encrusted flamingos all over...or something like that.


Christopher Mintz Plasss....eh, screw it. It's McLovin.

It's the Year of the Nerd, people. Year of the Nerd. You heard it here first at The Juice. McLovin definitely cleans up nice, brought the goods. Yum.




Kid Cudi

Day and night I could look at this beautiful specimen. Whew. Love this style. LOVE. IT.



The "Best" of the Jersey Shore Cast

Looking as oompa loompa as ever, even in stature, Snooki took the prize from the rest of the Jersey chicks. In other words, she had the least tacky print on her dress (i.e. not sequined zebra, nor lace pink flower...) And, truthfully, removing the bump-it really makes her look semi-normal....

Moving on...Shit. Have I become so accustomed to Jersey Shore trashliciousness that I actually saw The Situation and thought "Hmm, he looks kinda good." I'm so f***ed. The world is coming to end as we know it.



Juiciest Couple of the Night: Ken Jeong and Ed Helms

Dying. Laughing.

Fugness of the Week

Is Yo Crotch Hungry Girl? Cuz It's Eating Yo Pants...

Um.....17 years old. 17. Years. Old.

That is all.

Side By Side

Brilliant, Gaga. Absolutely Brilliant.

Juiciest Pics of the Week - SATC in Tokyo

SJP-p-p-p-POW

Ok do we think that's all SJP's hair up there? Or some weave-action? Either way, I looooooove it.

Juice Sidebar: I taught myself how to braid when I was 5 years old on my Cabbage Patch doll's sweet yarn hair. From then on, I was what one might call "The Braid Master"...fishtailing, corn-rowing, french pigtailing...I mean, you name it. My fingers are masterful with braiding hair. Unfortunately, I can't do shit on my own mane. Sucks. Moral of the story though: If you want to look like Jada Pinkett in Set it Off, I'm your chick.

But I digress...

Her necklace is bangin'. Definitely sporting the trend of the spring\summer in accessories: heavy artillary.

But let's move on to the dress, shall we? I'm so undecided on this one. You all know how I feel about bad curtain \ couch motifs...but I'm kind of digging on the voluminous ruffles and cinched waist. It's kind of working for me. Now if only we can do something about those "witchstripper" shoes. (see footnote)

Footnote: That's right. New word for the Book of Juice: witchstripper. noun. 4-inch platform heels (or higher) that strippers are known to grind in with a witchy-toe complement.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Oscars Edition

"Hot Damn!"

Cameron "VA VA VA Voom" Diaz

GORG!!!! Dying over Diaz. This is red carpet done just the way I like it. Fabulous hair, incredible makeup, a jaw-dropping gown that probably costs more than 5 yachts owned by Jay-Z; packed full of Cristal, Gucci suits, Models, Caviar, Rare Spider Monkeys, Canary Diamonds rimming the 8 infinity pools, personal Helicopters adorned in Louis Vuitton leather seats......wait, uh, where was I? Oh yeah. This look is perfect drama.

Carey "I'll Cut You" Mulligan

OMG I want this dress. I will cut a bitch for this dress. Prada got all punk rock by beading with metal mini-knives, scissors and guns...Couture-Core? Let's call it that. Carey's platform ballerina shoes are to die for and, call me crazy, but I think the bleach pixie cut gives this "tomboy gown" a complete look. LOVE it.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It.

God, I Love Diane Kruger.

No apologies here, I am CRAZY about this dress. I don't know if it was an homage to Inglourious Basterds or to her roots, but she has this amazing 1950s Germany feel going on and I'm loving it. This woman literally can wear anything and look fabu. This dress proves that.

Sandra "America's New Sweetheart" Bullock

If you weren't in tears after Sandy's acceptance speech, you officially have no soul. Dressed like a true Oscar award, she was a vision in gold. What an absolutely stunning gown. And in keeping with this year's award show tradition, she had the best hair and makeup of the night. Earlier on the red carpet, she rocked the hot pink lip, but then switched it up to a brilliantly dramatic red for the show...whew. Absolutely Beautiful.

Elizabeth "Cha Cha" Banks

Honestly I just really want to hang out with Banks. Yeah, if we hung out, I'd call her Banks for sure. I love the color of this dress with her hair, it's not washing her out at all for me, it compliments nicely. The corset bodice is fun and funky and I would dance the calories off all night in that train. I would. I cut a mean rug, people.

Maggie GggggggORG

Yeah. I dig this. I don't care what you think. I want to take a dip in this blue lagoon watercolor gorgeousness. Her hot pink lip is killing it. Maggie took a risk and totally nailed it for me. Now, I just hope she ate a cheeseburger the next day, cuz she needs to eat like 10.

Meryl.

White Hot. Meryl is the shit. I want to be as cool, well-liked, awesome, hot, cougarrific, brilliant, awesome as Meryl when I'm her age. How can I make that happen? Like, do I have to sell my soul? Tell me. I need to know.

Gabourey "Bluuuuuuuue" Sidibe

With the quote of the night "If this dress were in a porn, it'd be the money shot"...how can I not Juice this bad boy up? A-mazing!!! She's looking so good, so confident, working the shit out of the red carpet and rocking the IT color of the night. Get it girl.

The Dude.

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation?

The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Miley "Thank God" Cyrus

And by "thank God" I mean thank God Miley dialed it in this year, hired a smart stylist and dressed like a star in training. She wasn't dressed like an 18 year old, but she wasn't dressed like a 30 year old cougar. It's fun. It's fresh. Her hair and makeup is fantastic and she's totally glowing. Although I guess that's the perk of being 18 years old...but I digress.

Nicole "Aquariussss, Aquariusssss" Richie

This one took me awhile but I'm loving it. It's not the most figure-flattering...I mean, it's pretty f***ing difficult to make Nicole Richie's 80 lb. frame body look "bigger," but I think because she's so tiny she's working this sequined vintage frock. The back is everything for me, too, super dramatic. Rawr!

Mo'nique "You Shave Your Legs Yet?" ______

Seriously, HOW do you go to bed at night with those Sasquatch legs rubbing on you??? Either way, Mo' looked fabooo head to, er, toe. The ruching was super flattering and a total stand-out gem of a color.

Tina "(Sigh) Finally..." Fey

Oh Snap! Someone finally hired a stylist!!!! It's seriously about time. Now, if only we could get her a hairstylist...

Baby steps. Baby steps.

Helen "Tits Magee" Mirren

Ugh, such a GILF.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: BOWTIES

There is a WHOLE lot of yumminess going on here. Oh and bowties. But a WHOLE lot of yumminess. xoxoxo

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Oscars Edition

"Oh Damn."

Charlize "Cinnabuns" Theron

Juiccccce...you're falling deeeeep into a trance...slowly, slowly, falling...that's right...keep staring directly at either my right or left breast...or both at the same time, even bettttttter...staring, staring...you can't take your eyes off of them...

Now when I count to 10, you will be in a state of Juice blog paralysis. You will NOT be able to fug on me, you will LOVE this dress. You will start spreading the word that circular rosebud breasts are the new "it" statement for Spring 2010. You will put me on your "Hot Damn!" list as #1. In fact, right now you should take a Sharpie and start drawing hypnotic spirals over your boobs. People will love you for it. I promise.

Molly "Cleopatra" Ringwald

I seriously did not know who this was at first. Like, literally took me 20 minutes to decipher. Yay for the Botox; she looks like she can still put lipstick on with her tits with the best of 'em, but the severe Cleopatra thing is not working for me at all. What is that spiral wall fixture attached to her waist? A curtain hook? Has Charlize gotten to her too??? Man, that bitch is good.



And The "Try Harder Next Time" Award Goes To...Robert Downey Jr.

Look, I know you're quirky. And adorable. And a brilliant actor. But seriously? The 1992 blue-tinted sunglasses and sneakers? So glad you took the time to match the shades with the bowtie. Great add. Gaw. I just hate when celebrities are "ironic" and try to look homeless or act like they don't care. Because we alllll know you do. You do care, Robert. You do.

Battle of the Bubble Wrap: Amanda Seyfried vs. J.Lo

Don't you just want to sit and pop them all day long??? Look, J.Lo even gave us an extra body's worth of it, too! So generous!!! I mean, with all that bubble wrap, she could ship some serious shit. I'm talking furniture...like a small chair or coffee table.

(Attention Lady Gaga - do NOT get any ideas here regarding bubble wrap...I just got a ridiculous mental picture)

Anna "Where'd She Go?" Kendrick

I'm getting this weird virgin\hippy\stripper vibe from Anna right now...let me explain...certain words come to mind.

The rose coloring: nude. nudity. naked.

The lace trim and flower: weed. pachouli.

The platform heels: vanilla lotion. body oil. glitter. crazybitch. shark lounge. @ryanleimbach.

UNJUICIEST TREND OF THE NIGHT: DRESSING TO THE NINE...TIES

Virginia "The 90s Called, They Want Their Hair Back" Madsen

Was SuperCuts hired to style tonight? Listen, I know I definitely rocked those bangs back in the day. But you'll never see them. I burnt all evidence. True story.

Mariah "Something's Missing..." Carey

Ughhh, the brooch. The gathering. The awkardly high slit. The off-the-shoulder cuffs. This is sooooo not fashion-forward according to the Book of Juice. Did someone time travel and kill a fly...I mean, where are the BOOBS???

Kathryn "Snooooooore" Bigelow

Ok. Huge props here. I sincerely hope Kathryn shoves that Oscar right up her cocky ex's ass...The Hurt Locker was THE SHIT.

Now, that all being said, I feel like I've seen this gown before. It may have been while leafing through the 1999 Sears catalogue "Homecoming Edition" while on the toilet the other day. What? So I collect old Sears catalogues. And read them on the toilet. So what?

She Got it From Her Mama...or Not.

I'm not so sure we'll ever know Mother Cyrus' true age. Her breasts are probably 5. Her nose 8. Actually, if we add up her entire body, she might be just what she wants...18. Oh hey, like mother like daughter! Noooo, there's no "living vicariously" here. She's straight doing it.

And I'm not so sure Miley should be cozying up so close to Mom...that spray tan orange rubs off pretty easily...and OH MY GOD! Charlize got to her too!!!! Look at the rosebud boob!!! HOLY S***

Fugliest Couple of the Night: Elisabetta and George

Hate me for saying this, but these two bored me to tears tonight. Sweet side comb-over, George.

Elisabetta looks like she ran into Cache at the last minute for this bad- boy. A wrap? Seriously? It's the Oscars in LA. It's not cold there. And to up my bitchiness to a level 9, I just can't get past that tribal barbed-wire tattoo. It's so....Pamela Anderson.

Kate "The Silver Oscar" Winslet

Ground Control to Major Tom....hellooooo couture astronaut. Sue me, but it's just way too polished for me. Like, "can't breathe, can't walk, can't turn your head too quickly or your perfectly coifed hair will move, can't show teeth, can't look to see who just slapped your ass" too polished.

I'm Sorry Zoe Saldana. But I HATED This.

Are those Pom Poms? Ruffled Kleenex? Furry Balls? I have A LOT of questions...I just want to swiffer my floors with that thing. I feel like it could really get after those "hard to reach" spots.

VeraAA A AA AAAAAH Farmiga

RA RA OOH LALAAAA....Holy Haus of Gaga Batman. How do you sit in this thing? Can you imagine if she had won? Thank God they typically do Best Supporting Actress early on...I can't imagine it; end of the show and she gets up, what does that coral reef look like??

Note from the Editor:

JUST LIKE LADY GAGA, I SECRETLY LOVE IT. xoxoxo