"Oh Damn."
Charlize "Cinnabuns" Theron
Juiccccce...you're falling deeeeep into a trance...slowly, slowly, falling...that's right...keep staring directly at either my right or left breast...or both at the same time, even bettttttter...staring, staring...you can't take your eyes off of them...
Now when I count to 10, you will be in a state of Juice blog paralysis. You will NOT be able to fug on me, you will LOVE this dress. You will start spreading the word that circular rosebud breasts are the new "it" statement for Spring 2010. You will put me on your "Hot Damn!" list as #1. In fact, right now you should take a Sharpie and start drawing hypnotic spirals over your boobs. People will love you for it. I promise.
Molly "Cleopatra" Ringwald
I seriously did not know who this was at first. Like, literally took me 20 minutes to decipher. Yay for the Botox; she looks like she can still put lipstick on with her tits with the best of 'em, but the severe Cleopatra thing is not working for me at all. What is that spiral wall fixture attached to her waist? A curtain hook? Has Charlize gotten to her too??? Man, that bitch is good.
And The "Try Harder Next Time" Award Goes To...Robert Downey Jr.
Look, I know you're quirky. And adorable. And a brilliant actor. But seriously? The 1992 blue-tinted sunglasses and sneakers? So glad you took the time to match the shades with the bowtie. Great add. Gaw. I just hate when celebrities are "ironic" and try to look homeless or act like they don't care. Because we alllll know you do. You do care, Robert. You do.
Battle of the Bubble Wrap: Amanda Seyfried vs. J.Lo
Don't you just want to sit and pop them all day long??? Look, J.Lo even gave us an extra body's worth of it, too! So generous!!! I mean, with all that bubble wrap, she could ship some serious shit. I'm talking furniture...like a small chair or coffee table.
(Attention Lady Gaga - do NOT get any ideas here regarding bubble wrap...I just got a ridiculous mental picture)
Anna "Where'd She Go?" Kendrick
I'm getting this weird virgin\hippy\stripper vibe from Anna right now...let me explain...certain words come to mind.
The rose coloring: nude. nudity. naked.
The lace trim and flower: weed. pachouli.
The platform heels: vanilla lotion. body oil. glitter. crazybitch. shark lounge. @ryanleimbach.
UNJUICIEST TREND OF THE NIGHT: DRESSING TO THE NINE...TIES
Virginia "The 90s Called, They Want Their Hair Back" Madsen
Was SuperCuts hired to style tonight? Listen, I know I definitely rocked those bangs back in the day. But you'll never see them. I burnt all evidence. True story.
Mariah "Something's Missing..." Carey
Ughhh, the brooch. The gathering. The awkardly high slit. The off-the-shoulder cuffs. This is sooooo not fashion-forward according to the Book of Juice. Did someone time travel and kill a fly...I mean, where are the BOOBS???
Kathryn "Snooooooore" Bigelow
Ok. Huge props here. I sincerely hope Kathryn shoves that Oscar right up her cocky ex's ass...The Hurt Locker was THE SHIT.
Now, that all being said, I feel like I've seen this gown before. It may have been while leafing through the 1999 Sears catalogue "Homecoming Edition" while on the toilet the other day. What? So I collect old Sears catalogues. And read them on the toilet. So what?
She Got it From Her Mama...or Not.
I'm not so sure we'll ever know Mother Cyrus' true age. Her breasts are probably 5. Her nose 8. Actually, if we add up her entire body, she might be just what she wants...18. Oh hey, like mother like daughter! Noooo, there's no "living vicariously" here. She's straight doing it.
And I'm not so sure Miley should be cozying up so close to Mom...that spray tan orange rubs off pretty easily...and OH MY GOD! Charlize got to her too!!!! Look at the rosebud boob!!! HOLY S***
Fugliest Couple of the Night: Elisabetta and George
Hate me for saying this, but these two bored me to tears tonight. Sweet side comb-over, George.
Elisabetta looks like she ran into Cache at the last minute for this bad- boy. A wrap? Seriously? It's the Oscars in LA. It's not cold there. And to up my bitchiness to a level 9, I just can't get past that tribal barbed-wire tattoo. It's so....Pamela Anderson.
Kate "The Silver Oscar" Winslet
Ground Control to Major Tom....hellooooo couture astronaut. Sue me, but it's just way too polished for me. Like, "can't breathe, can't walk, can't turn your head too quickly or your perfectly coifed hair will move, can't show teeth, can't look to see who just slapped your ass" too polished.
I'm Sorry Zoe Saldana. But I HATED This.
Are those Pom Poms? Ruffled Kleenex? Furry Balls? I have A LOT of questions...I just want to swiffer my floors with that thing. I feel like it could really get after those "hard to reach" spots.
VeraAA A AA AAAAAH Farmiga
RA RA OOH LALAAAA....Holy Haus of Gaga Batman. How do you sit in this thing? Can you imagine if she had won? Thank God they typically do Best Supporting Actress early on...I can't imagine it; end of the show and she gets up, what does that coral reef look like??
Note from the Editor:
JUST LIKE LADY GAGA, I SECRETLY LOVE IT. xoxoxo
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