THE JUICE...according to Jackie: The Juice...according to Jackie

"Hot Damn!"

Cameron "VA VA VA Voom" Diaz

GORG!!!! Dying over Diaz. This is red carpet done just the way I like it. Fabulous hair, incredible makeup, a jaw-dropping gown that probably costs more than 5 yachts owned by Jay-Z; packed full of Cristal, Gucci suits, Models, Caviar, Rare Spider Monkeys, Canary Diamonds rimming the 8 infinity pools, personal Helicopters adorned in Louis Vuitton leather seats......wait, uh, where was I? Oh yeah. This look is perfect drama.

Carey "I'll Cut You" Mulligan

OMG I want this dress. I will cut a bitch for this dress. Prada got all punk rock by beading with metal mini-knives, scissors and guns...Couture-Core? Let's call it that. Carey's platform ballerina shoes are to die for and, call me crazy, but I think the bleach pixie cut gives this "tomboy gown" a complete look. LOVE it.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It.

God, I Love Diane Kruger.

No apologies here, I am CRAZY about this dress. I don't know if it was an homage to Inglourious Basterds or to her roots, but she has this amazing 1950s Germany feel going on and I'm loving it. This woman literally can wear anything and look fabu. This dress proves that.

Sandra "America's New Sweetheart" Bullock

If you weren't in tears after Sandy's acceptance speech, you officially have no soul. Dressed like a true Oscar award, she was a vision in gold. What an absolutely stunning gown. And in keeping with this year's award show tradition, she had the best hair and makeup of the night. Earlier on the red carpet, she rocked the hot pink lip, but then switched it up to a brilliantly dramatic red for the show...whew. Absolutely Beautiful.

Elizabeth "Cha Cha" Banks

Honestly I just really want to hang out with Banks. Yeah, if we hung out, I'd call her Banks for sure. I love the color of this dress with her hair, it's not washing her out at all for me, it compliments nicely. The corset bodice is fun and funky and I would dance the calories off all night in that train. I would. I cut a mean rug, people.

Maggie GggggggORG

Yeah. I dig this. I don't care what you think. I want to take a dip in this blue lagoon watercolor gorgeousness. Her hot pink lip is killing it. Maggie took a risk and totally nailed it for me. Now, I just hope she ate a cheeseburger the next day, cuz she needs to eat like 10.

Meryl.

White Hot. Meryl is the shit. I want to be as cool, well-liked, awesome, hot, cougarrific, brilliant, awesome as Meryl when I'm her age. How can I make that happen? Like, do I have to sell my soul? Tell me. I need to know.

Gabourey "Bluuuuuuuue" Sidibe

With the quote of the night "If this dress were in a porn, it'd be the money shot"...how can I not Juice this bad boy up? A-mazing!!! She's looking so good, so confident, working the shit out of the red carpet and rocking the IT color of the night. Get it girl.

The Dude.

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation?

The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Miley "Thank God" Cyrus

And by "thank God" I mean thank God Miley dialed it in this year, hired a smart stylist and dressed like a star in training. She wasn't dressed like an 18 year old, but she wasn't dressed like a 30 year old cougar. It's fun. It's fresh. Her hair and makeup is fantastic and she's totally glowing. Although I guess that's the perk of being 18 years old...but I digress.

Nicole "Aquariussss, Aquariusssss" Richie

This one took me awhile but I'm loving it. It's not the most figure-flattering...I mean, it's pretty f***ing difficult to make Nicole Richie's 80 lb. frame body look "bigger," but I think because she's so tiny she's working this sequined vintage frock. The back is everything for me, too, super dramatic. Rawr!

Mo'nique "You Shave Your Legs Yet?" ______

Seriously, HOW do you go to bed at night with those Sasquatch legs rubbing on you??? Either way, Mo' looked fabooo head to, er, toe. The ruching was super flattering and a total stand-out gem of a color.

Tina "(Sigh) Finally..." Fey