Oh, Damn.
Granny 'Del
I'm a little teapot, short and stout...
Adele's boobs needed to set fire to this monstrosity. She looked like a stuffed sausage in vintage muu-muu casing, pre-cooked, ready to eat, mustard-only.
2 Chainz...I AM BLACULA
That's right bitches. I'm rocking a mothafuckin' CAPE. A CAPE!!! Muahahmuahahmuaha!!!
Feeling really inspired by the Blaxploitation film "Blacula," 2 Chainz thought he'd capitalize on the vampire trendiness that all those crazy tweens are into nowadays.
Either that or he's giving up the music biz and entering the WWE ring AS his alter-ego Blacula. I mean...that's the championship belt he's got on there, right?
Giuliana Rancic the Bandaid
I just feel like I'm looking at a really shredded up condom. Like this is possibly what condoms look like before they go on half of Maury's guests*
*because the other half do not use condoms at all
D'Manti
One thing I really love about the Grammys is that I have to google 80% of these "artists." I have no idea who D'Manti is, however I DO know that this dress is the most god-awful ripped to shreds spiderweb pieces of material slapped onto her boobs cuz we can't break the dress code piece of trash I've seen in awhile. What is she really missing, oh I don't know, FABRIC!?
But thank god for those peep-toe heels, huh?
classy...
Don't Hate Me Because I Hate It: Bey
Beyonce obviously expended all sexy Sasha Fierce energy into her Super Bowl performance and didn't feel like bringing her A-game to the Grammys...we call this the "red carpet hangover."
Much like the hangovers I experience, (more often than I'd like to admit) this is the act of dressing up balls to the wall and getting hammered on a Saturday night...and come Sunday am unable to bring myself to put any pants on. Let alone tight ones.
In Beyonce's case, she put pants on.
Hair Fail.
I used to have the biggest crush on Jack White. That was, until he started to look more and more like a pale awkward 13 year old girl...and/or Michael Jackson.
Double Hair Fail.
Shouldn't Justin's people have told him that while he was out "acting" Bruno Mars happened? We don't need two, J.T. One is enough.
Angelina Jo...er, uh...J.Lo
Dress code? Fuck that dress code. I'm going to STUN people - much like my green boobilicious dress of old - except this time I'm going all leg baby. NO ONE has done this before. EVER. I am such a CRAZY SEXY REBEL.
Shine Bright Like Jay's Tuxedo
Where in the galaxy did he get this constellation explosion of a tux? It's like an aurora borealis threw up all over his body. I have no idea what I just typed here, I'm just trying out all of the intergalactical terms I can think of.
KimbrAHHHHHHH!!!!!
I just got really nervous and had a Black Swan flashback to the hangnail scene...therefore it's safe to say this look evokes nothing but scary, bloody, circus, ballet, Darren Aronofsky, needles, scissors, bitchy emotions.
This is not a good thing.
Sonny Moore
This guy is a billionaire. And gets laid. Discuss.
Chiquita Banaaanaaaa
You want to know where my vagina is? Oh, it's just right here. Yep. Right...just...yep, right above that slit there. Yeah. That's it. Just in case you wanted to know.
Pauley Perrette
You know, CBS needs to work on who of it's "stars" they invite to their own award shows. I mean, LL Cool J hosted for gods sake...oh wait...AND closed the show out rapping (what should have been Mama Said Knock You Out, but I digress...)
Pauley what'shername from NCIS is one of those questionable guests. Do people watch NCIS enough? Is it because if you even watch a promo, she's so unique and creative looking that you slightly recognize her? If the show has been on that many seasons, don't we think she could have afforded a dress from some place other than, say, Contempo Casuals? On that note, does Contempo Casuals still exist or did I just date myself? This dress is an abhorrence. Also: SPANX.
Drop Down and Get Yo Turban On Gurrl
T. Swizzle
I am sooooooooo bored you guys. Just beyond bored. I get it. You're like cute and rail thin and wear red lipstick really well. And something about you gets you laid...like, a lot. But there's also something about you that gets dumped by these guys immediately. Those dead eyes and awkward veneers lead me to one strong belief: you must be terrible in bed. Just absolutely terrible.
and can we do something with this hair? You've banged Jake Gyllenhaal, you asshole. Act like it.
Lisa D'Amato
I felt like the Grammys covered only about ten celebs total...Lisa is probably a big reason why we don't see the other 90% attending. And no, she was not a back-up singer to Taylor Swift's Alice in Wonderland meets Saw meets Cirque opening act....
Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night:
Kat and Mouse
Kat and Mouse...see what I did there?
Anyway, Kat said she doesn't play by the rules and the Grammys dress code meant shit to her. I'm guessing those tattoos are her way of showing she's a rule-breaker...unless showing up as a summer picnic tablecloth is really stirring up trouble in her mind.
And I think DeadMau5's mis-matched shoes are definitely where his rebellian lies. Definitely.
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