THE JUICE...according to Jackie: The Juice...according to Jackie

Oh, Damn.

Rose "The Scrolldown Disaster" Byrne

For those of you just joining The Juice blog, let me tell you about a little phrase I've coined called: "The Scrolldown Disaster." It sort of defines itself, but just to elaborate because this is my blog and I do what I want, the scrolldown disaster occurs when you take a look at a pic of (insert actress\actor here) and start from the top...ok, everything's fine, hair is alright, the top of that dress is gorgeous, love the sequins... *scroll down* ...and oh my god she's wearing a sequined corset with jeans and combat boots!!! Disaster.

So, here we start out with Rose's heavy but kind of cute blunt bob. Doing ok.

Let's move down to a white-hot deep plunge, beautifully beaded top. Dig it.

*scroll down*

OH, NO SHE DIDN'T JUST ROLL UP TO THE RED CARPET IN A JUMPSUIT!?

I would sweat this outfit hard in the 70s...as would Elvis.

Shailene "When Dressing Your Age is a Fail" Woodley

At first glance, I was intrigued by this L'Wren Scott dress. At a time when the red carpet has been dominated by black or white, a bold pattern always stops me in my tracks, especially on younger actresses. It's ballsy. And I love ballsy.

But upon further dissection, I think we have a bad Goodwill dress from the 90s on our hands...and one that does nothing for up-and-coming starlet Shailene. On the plus side, she has many more opportunities to wow. So, no pressure at the Oscars, darling.

In other news, I suddenly have this extreme urge to frolick in the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha where the cherry blossoms were blooming and falling ever so beautifully...

Zoe "You're Better Than This" Saldana

In all seriousness, I think she's wearing a $2 Hanes wife-beater tank under there.

A Glee Disappointment

Amber Riley

I don't care what anybody tells you, NEVER wrap your boobs up like a Christmas present. Delightful surprise or not.

Jenna Ushkowitz

Where'd the bottom half of that dress go? I know these Glee kids have been to a million of these red carpet shows, but let's try a little harder, shall we? Make me feel like you're excited to be a glamorous actress/singer, not excited to get high at Coachella.

Lea Michelle

Initial reaction: DAMN!

Side profile reaction: STRIPPER!

The Try Harder Next Time Award: BJ Novak

Thanks for showing up BJ. I know it's difficult to get your pants hemmed and throw a tie on for an event like this, especially after you've been on a 48 hour bender.

I Had To Google: Emilia Clarke and Penelope Ann Miller

I really hate admitting when I have to google who actors and actresses are / what they star in, but seriously had no clue about these two. So thanks to the Gods of Google, Emilia Clarke is an English actress famous for her role in HBO's Game of Thrones. Penelope Ann Miller is an American actress who is relevant for the TV series Men of a Certain Age.

Fun fact #1: when I googled Penelope Ann Miller, google wanted to keep filling in the blanks with "Penelope Ann Miller's feet."

Fun Fact #2: Penelope Ann Miller is in the upcoming movie Robosapien: Rebooted.

I like this chick already.

Ok where was I? Oh yeah. Someone should have told Emilia that Black Swan was nominated last year and that vampires are sort of on the outs... and I really want to shred Penelope's dress for some cool window drapes.

The Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Brangelina

Could they look any more frosty?? My nips are hard just looking at the chill in the air that's surrounding them.

Gretchen "Beam Me Up Scottie" Mol

Worst.cumberbund.ever.

Jane "Labyrinth" Krakowski

Are anyone else's eyes drawn ever so slightly to the middle of Jane's chest? You know, not so much to her legs, or arms, but this nagging "LOOK HERE" feeling towards her midsection? No? Ok, me neither.

Kaley "David's Bridal" Cuoco

Honey. Big fan. I want to be friends with you, for real. But you look like you just got stood up at the altar.

Kelly "E! Please Hire Juice Instead" Osbourne

Once again Kelly proves that she has no business being a commentator on E!'s Fashion Police. It's like she thinks that gig is a get out of jail free card and she can wear whatever she wants and not get Joan Rivers crap for it. She's untouchable. It's kind of brilliant and I'm kind of jealous.

More importantly though, what do we think she has hanging from her waist there? Her housekeys? Two drumsticks?

Nick "Father Time" Nolte