The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Academy Awards

Oh, Damn. 


Emma "Gift Wrapped" Stone

This looks eerily familiar doesn't it? Does anyone else recall Ms. Nicole Kidman coming to the Academy Awards gift wrapped JUST like this? 

Yep, circa 2007. And I remember killing Nicole for this look, so you can only imagine what I thought when I saw Emma. She needs to unwrap that Christmas bow from her face before it eats it off....which would be tragic because she is utterly adorable and gorgeous.


Zoe "What Happened To You?" Saldana

Has Zoe given up? I mean, seriously...this chick used to be my favorite on the red carpets and lately she's been showing up in wife beaters and...this. I know the half skirt/long sheer thing is trending right now, but I just can't get behind it on a formal level. Maybe Bradley Cooper has something to do with this. You know, if I were dating "People's Most Beautiful Man" I would probably half-ass shit, too. Just because I could.


Natalie "Prom" Portman

I adore Natalie. But this polka dot vintage dress just looks like something a 6 year old would put on to play dress-up for her tea party with Mr. Bear. 


Helen Mirren, errr Cameron Diaz

I swear I thought this was Helen Mirren upon first glance. That's how good Helen looks. 

Clare "Firecracker" Danes

I wanna sing a little song that, ah, kept me going when I had troubles...

we were on the beach

everybody had matching towels

somebody went under a dock 

and there they saw a rock!

but it wasn't a rock...

...it was a ROCK LOBSTER!!!

The Dictator

I need to know what agency he went through to find these chicks, because damn. They're hot. I'm thinking Russian Brides mag.

The UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: George and Stacy

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're all going "What? They're both gorgeous. They were the best of the evening!" Well, I'm sorry. George is flawless, yes. But he couldn't even look this woman in the eye the entire evening...meanwhile Stacy was hiding a big 'ol boner under that rosette on her hip the entire evening. ZERO chemistry with these two, I give them a shelf life of two months. Mark my words.


Super Gwyneth

It's a bird,
It's a plane,
It's SUPER GOOP!


Lily Collins

That is one of the most god awful dresses I've ever seen. It looks like a nude bodysuit with blue veins showcased to study the body and how it works...oh wait, I have a Halloween picture for reference:

Melissa "Blahhh" McCarthy

This was just so unfortunate for me. You can absolutely dress Melissa McCarthy in something that doesn't have to look like a large brown paper sack. Her body is capable of looking sexy, I've seen it. She looked better in that segment she did with Billy Crystal in a robe. Speaking of, this woman is flexible.

Sandy, Sandy, Sandy

Sandra Bullock probably bugged me the most out of all the celebs that night. First of all, that dress has the WORST fit I've ever seen. Is it meant to be baggy? Or did she grab off the rack the day of and go "fuck it"? The appliqué on the waist is pretty but, at a glance, it looks like some gold ghost hands are grabbing her inappropriately. 

And let's talk about the obvious Botox problem. I've never seen Sandra Bullock so frozen in my life...and I'm pretty sure a side effect to the Bo' is tear secretion. Which is the only way to explain why this chick was crying ALL NIGHT LONG. 

Serena "Banana" Williams

I'm a little teapot. Short and stout. Here is my handle. Here is my spout.


Rose "Bitch Face" Byrne

I know a lot of people dug this look, but I couldn't stand the pailletes on this gown. 
Bebe-status. AKA cheapppppp.


Tina "Borrrrringggg" Fey

Black: standard.

Bad hair: standard.

Nancy "Just Stay Behind the Scenes" O'Dell

I never like including the "reporter talent" on my blog, but I have Giuliana in my HOT DAMN, so I figured I'd go tit for tat. And Nancy O'Dell makes a gorgeous figure skater, no? 

Viola "I Lost the Wig" Davis

Scrolldown Disaster, people.

Hair, face, chest (oh yeah, those puppies were OUT), bodice were all beautiful. 

And then we keep looking down...and we have this bad floret appliqué prom-weirdness fishtail gown at the bottom. If I were her, I'd just photoshop all pictures from the chest up and call it a night. 

No one will ever know...kind of how I burnt all photos of me from when I was 13-15 yrs old and going through an amazing ghetto/Chola phase.