OH, DAMN.
Robyn "Your Waitress Apron is Backwards, Honey"
I bet you all thought I'd start with Sasha-guns, huh? Well, I figured I'd soften the blow with a little androgyny first. Don't want to blow my load early, so to speak.
Let's take a poll: What's the worst part about this outfit?
A. the Hanes t-shirt fresh out of the package
B. the too-tight, wrinkled white satin miniskirt
C. the tablecloth train
D. the solo earring dangling OVER her ear
E. construction boot wedges
F. all of the above, the entire thing makes me want to stick daggers in my eyes
I have a feeling I know which answer you'll all choose...
Nicki Minaj: Nun on Fire
Looking like Little Red Roman Hood, Nicki Minaj brought the crazy. I live for these moments at awards shows, for real. I mean, this is some Lady Gaga shit. Oh, you showed up in an egg last year and hatched? Well I'm a show up with a Bishop on my arm, beeyotch. And then I'll confess my sins on-stage because
I'm a MUTHAFUCKIN MONSTAHHH!!!
Sasha "Tropic Thunder Barbie" Gradiva
This is just too much. Didn't Tarantino and Rodriguez do a flick where Rose McGowan had a machine gun for a leg? Sasha Grindhouse Gradiva. This legitimately frightens me. I feel like the Terminator would totally get off on this look. How did security let her in? Do we think it's plastic? I bet that thing got sweaty and heavy after awhile. I really hope at one point in the process the question was posed "well, do we think the machine gun will mesh with the light pink or is the bazooka better?"
Ok...I'm done. For now.
Wait one more: in all seriousness, who knew the name Sasha Gradiva before tonight? Exactly. Crazy-genius at work here, people.
Rick Ross Like a Boss
Dressing up is for suckers. More importantly, I really want this sweater to be velour. And I think it is.
Swagged out Fat Albert.
Bonnie McKee (yeah, no clue)
This is one hell of a figure skating costume. Thank God they added that yellow horsehair, I really needed my eyes to have something to focus on.
More importantly, I desperately want to ask her to spin around really quickly for a few minutes to open the time portal. I've always wanted to visit the 1920s.
I Really Don't Hate It: Fergie Ferg
You know, I'm kind of feeling the whole dress in general. I love the orange, I'm such a sucker for a pop of bright color. The lace is beautiful and vintage-esque, not tacky girly lace. The cap sleeve and mermaid cut are quite lovely on her body, as well.
I just can't get past the GRANNY PANTIES.
UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: The Guettas
What I would give to be a fly on the wall in this household. I bet she cooks dinner in that leather jumpsuit and works out in those heels.
Bon Iver
Dude. Way to represent Wisconsin. And Wisconsin's impeccable taste in men's tailoring.
Cutest Couple of the Night: Lady Gaga and Miranda Lambert
"one of these things is not like the other..."
But seriously, what do you think Miranda was more uncomfortable about sitting next to Gaga? Her pimp date swinging, getting a stray hair caught in that face mask, touching the disco stick and contracting an STD, or getting attacked by her minion of flying monkeys?
Paris "I'm Collaborating with Afrojack and LMFAO That's Why I'm Here" Hilton
I really want to put her arms down. I don't think she took her hands off her hips the entire night. Seriously. I was so uncomfortable as she posed like that talking to Giuliana. It's worse than crossing your arms while conversing with someone. That says rude. This says I don't give a shit what you're saying to me right now I just want my arms to look thin.
Bruno "Grenade" Mars
He is such an attractive little lady, isn't he?
Snookers
Listen, I know you were dressed by Bebe so you didn't have much in a choice of not looking like an 18 yr old slutty club kid from 1993, but you probably could have picked a solid pattern as opposed to that "relax your eyes and if you stare long enough you'll see a boat" poster print.
Ok, something good, something good.
You look thin and your makeup is quite pretty and understated.
Whoa, whoa, whoa...it just dawned on me: where was Beiber???
The Beach Boys, Adam Levine, and Foster the People: Worst Idea Ever
A picture speaks a thousand words. I'll say eight:
that was one hell of a Geritol ad.
Deadmau5 also known as "Who's This Mouse?" via my mother
I think he looks fantastic.
His posture has really improved since last year's Grammys. He must have had a new mouse head reconstructed with lighter materials.
New Juice Category: Gorgeous on the Red Carpet / Heinous on the Stage
Taylor, you going for that country bumpkin look? Because that stereotype definitely won't offend any of your country music fans. Quick, better get back to your chores though, those cows need some milking.
Katy, are those garter straps holding up your knee pads? Yeah. You bet they are.
Val "Yes, You're Reading This Right" Kilmer
I stumbled across this bad boy and had to share.
You're welcome.
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