The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Academy Awards

Oh, Damn. 


Emma "Gift Wrapped" Stone

This looks eerily familiar doesn't it? Does anyone else recall Ms. Nicole Kidman coming to the Academy Awards gift wrapped JUST like this? 

Yep, circa 2007. And I remember killing Nicole for this look, so you can only imagine what I thought when I saw Emma. She needs to unwrap that Christmas bow from her face before it eats it off....which would be tragic because she is utterly adorable and gorgeous.


Zoe "What Happened To You?" Saldana

Has Zoe given up? I mean, seriously...this chick used to be my favorite on the red carpets and lately she's been showing up in wife beaters and...this. I know the half skirt/long sheer thing is trending right now, but I just can't get behind it on a formal level. Maybe Bradley Cooper has something to do with this. You know, if I were dating "People's Most Beautiful Man" I would probably half-ass shit, too. Just because I could.


Natalie "Prom" Portman

I adore Natalie. But this polka dot vintage dress just looks like something a 6 year old would put on to play dress-up for her tea party with Mr. Bear. 


Helen Mirren, errr Cameron Diaz

I swear I thought this was Helen Mirren upon first glance. That's how good Helen looks. 

Clare "Firecracker" Danes

I wanna sing a little song that, ah, kept me going when I had troubles...

we were on the beach

everybody had matching towels

somebody went under a dock 

and there they saw a rock!

but it wasn't a rock...

...it was a ROCK LOBSTER!!!

The Dictator

I need to know what agency he went through to find these chicks, because damn. They're hot. I'm thinking Russian Brides mag.

The UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: George and Stacy

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're all going "What? They're both gorgeous. They were the best of the evening!" Well, I'm sorry. George is flawless, yes. But he couldn't even look this woman in the eye the entire evening...meanwhile Stacy was hiding a big 'ol boner under that rosette on her hip the entire evening. ZERO chemistry with these two, I give them a shelf life of two months. Mark my words.


Super Gwyneth

It's a bird,
It's a plane,
It's SUPER GOOP!


Lily Collins

That is one of the most god awful dresses I've ever seen. It looks like a nude bodysuit with blue veins showcased to study the body and how it works...oh wait, I have a Halloween picture for reference:

Melissa "Blahhh" McCarthy

This was just so unfortunate for me. You can absolutely dress Melissa McCarthy in something that doesn't have to look like a large brown paper sack. Her body is capable of looking sexy, I've seen it. She looked better in that segment she did with Billy Crystal in a robe. Speaking of, this woman is flexible.

Sandy, Sandy, Sandy

Sandra Bullock probably bugged me the most out of all the celebs that night. First of all, that dress has the WORST fit I've ever seen. Is it meant to be baggy? Or did she grab off the rack the day of and go "fuck it"? The appliqué on the waist is pretty but, at a glance, it looks like some gold ghost hands are grabbing her inappropriately. 

And let's talk about the obvious Botox problem. I've never seen Sandra Bullock so frozen in my life...and I'm pretty sure a side effect to the Bo' is tear secretion. Which is the only way to explain why this chick was crying ALL NIGHT LONG. 

Serena "Banana" Williams

I'm a little teapot. Short and stout. Here is my handle. Here is my spout.


Rose "Bitch Face" Byrne

I know a lot of people dug this look, but I couldn't stand the pailletes on this gown. 
Bebe-status. AKA cheapppppp.


Tina "Borrrrringggg" Fey

Black: standard.

Bad hair: standard.

Nancy "Just Stay Behind the Scenes" O'Dell

I never like including the "reporter talent" on my blog, but I have Giuliana in my HOT DAMN, so I figured I'd go tit for tat. And Nancy O'Dell makes a gorgeous figure skater, no? 

Viola "I Lost the Wig" Davis

Scrolldown Disaster, people.

Hair, face, chest (oh yeah, those puppies were OUT), bodice were all beautiful. 

And then we keep looking down...and we have this bad floret appliqué prom-weirdness fishtail gown at the bottom. If I were her, I'd just photoshop all pictures from the chest up and call it a night. 

No one will ever know...kind of how I burnt all photos of me from when I was 13-15 yrs old and going through an amazing ghetto/Chola phase. 

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Grammys

 OH, DAMN.

Robyn "Your Waitress Apron is Backwards, Honey"

I bet you all thought I'd start with Sasha-guns, huh? Well, I figured I'd soften the blow with a little androgyny first. Don't want to blow my load early, so to speak.

Let's take a poll: What's the worst part about this outfit?

A. the Hanes t-shirt fresh out of the package

B. the too-tight, wrinkled white satin miniskirt

C. the tablecloth train

D. the solo earring dangling OVER her ear

E. construction boot wedges

F. all of the above, the entire thing makes me want to stick daggers in my eyes

I have a feeling I know which answer you'll all choose...

Nicki Minaj: Nun on Fire

Looking like Little Red Roman Hood, Nicki Minaj brought the crazy. I live for these moments at awards shows, for real. I mean, this is some Lady Gaga shit. Oh, you showed up in an egg last year and hatched? Well I'm a show up with a Bishop on my arm, beeyotch. And then I'll confess my sins on-stage because 

I'm a MUTHAFUCKIN MONSTAHHH!!!

Sasha "Tropic Thunder Barbie" Gradiva

This is just too much. Didn't Tarantino and Rodriguez do a flick where Rose McGowan had a machine gun for a leg? Sasha Grindhouse Gradiva. This legitimately frightens me. I feel like the Terminator would totally get off on this look. How did security let her in? Do we think it's plastic? I bet that thing got sweaty and heavy after awhile. I really hope at one point in the process the question was posed "well, do we think the machine gun will mesh with the light pink or is the bazooka better?" 

Ok...I'm done. For now.  

Wait one more: in all seriousness, who knew the name Sasha Gradiva before tonight? Exactly. Crazy-genius at work here, people. 

Rick Ross Like a Boss

Dressing up is for suckers. More importantly, I really want this sweater to be velour. And I think it is.

Swagged out Fat Albert.

Bonnie McKee (yeah, no clue)

This is one hell of a figure skating costume. Thank God they added that yellow horsehair, I really needed my eyes to have something to focus on. 

More importantly, I desperately want to ask her to spin around really quickly for a few minutes to open the time portal. I've always wanted to visit the 1920s.

I Really Don't Hate It: Fergie Ferg

You know, I'm kind of feeling the whole dress in general. I love the orange, I'm such a sucker for a pop of bright color. The lace is beautiful and vintage-esque, not tacky girly lace. The cap sleeve and mermaid cut are quite lovely on her body, as well.

I just can't get past the GRANNY PANTIES.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: The Guettas

What I would give to be a fly on the wall in this household. I bet she cooks dinner in that leather jumpsuit and works out in those heels.

Bon Iver

Dude. Way to represent Wisconsin. And Wisconsin's impeccable taste in men's tailoring.

Cutest Couple of the Night: Lady Gaga and Miranda Lambert

"one of these things is not like the other..."

But seriously, what do you think Miranda was more uncomfortable about sitting next to Gaga? Her pimp date swinging, getting a stray hair caught in that face mask, touching the disco stick and contracting an STD, or getting attacked by her minion of flying monkeys?

Paris "I'm Collaborating with Afrojack and LMFAO That's Why I'm Here" Hilton

I really want to put her arms down. I don't think she took her hands off her hips the entire night. Seriously. I was so uncomfortable as she posed like that talking to Giuliana. It's worse than crossing your arms while conversing with someone. That says rude. This says I don't give a shit what you're saying to me right now I just want my arms to look thin.

Bruno "Grenade" Mars

He is such an attractive little lady, isn't he? 

Snookers

Listen, I know you were dressed by Bebe so you didn't have much in a choice of not looking like an 18 yr old slutty club kid from 1993, but you probably could have picked a solid pattern as opposed to that "relax your eyes and if you stare long enough you'll see a boat" poster print. 

Ok, something good, something good.

You look thin and your makeup is quite pretty and understated.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...it just dawned on me: where was Beiber???

The Beach Boys, Adam Levine, and Foster the People: Worst Idea Ever

A picture speaks a thousand words. I'll say eight:

that was one hell of a Geritol ad.

 Deadmau5 also known as "Who's This Mouse?" via my mother

 I think he looks fantastic. 

His posture has really improved since last year's Grammys. He must have had a new mouse head reconstructed with lighter materials. 

New Juice Category: Gorgeous on the Red Carpet / Heinous on the Stage

 Taylor, you going for that country bumpkin look? Because that stereotype definitely won't offend any of your country music fans. Quick, better get back to your chores though, those cows need some milking.

Katy, are those garter straps holding up your knee pads? Yeah. You bet they are.

Val "Yes, You're Reading This Right" Kilmer

I stumbled across this bad boy and had to share.

You're welcome. 

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Grammys

HOT DAMN! 

Princess Ri Ri

JUST. ABSOLUTE. FIRE. 

My initial reaction upon seeing this gorgeous creature was "Full.On.Boner." Rihanna never ceases to ooze the perfect amount of sex appeal. Everything about this look is perfect - hair, makeup, skin showing in all the right places; even her shoes are dope. 

Look up "killing it" in the urban dictionary and you'll see this pic of Ri Ri. 

Listen, even my mom is feeling it: 

"I hear ya." 

Carrie "White Hot" Underwood

I predicted early on in the night that Carrie would have my favorite look of the evening...so outside of me wanting to have sex with Rihanna (whew. there, I said it), this prediction stuck. Carrie is werking that white sparkle. I particularly love the modest front and the peek of open back. Classy yet still sexy.

Total stunner. 

Queen of the Night: Adele 

When it is basically YOUR night, you have to come with the goods and Adele did not disappoint. The sparkle on her Armani Prive gown was incredible...just watching her move in it was jaw dropping. Even her performance, in a Clements Rebeiro cocktail dress, was flawless. And speaking of flawless, who does this chick's makeup? Because I want to marry them. Man or woman, think about it - if I had someone who could make me that gorgeous every day would be the the gift that never stops giving. 

Don't Hate Me Because I LOVE It: Corinne Bailey Rae

I am 100% obsessed with this Christian Siriano piece of art. It is fabulous. It's so much fun and, even at a cocktail length, it still exudes red carpet awards show class. In the famous words of Mr. Siriano: "FIERCE."

Katy "Don't be Blue" Perry

Insert all the Smurf jokes you want here (yeah her hair looks like my grandma's bad box hair dye) but this dress is just bananas beautiful. The craftsmanship of the sequins and lace, the way it moved with her body...and that train! Ugh. Gorgeous. Thank you Katy for rocking the red carpet hard after a public breakup. There's nothing that makes me happier.

Taylor "Beanstalk" Swift

I wasn't sure about the gold brocade fabric at first, but the more pics I see, the more I'm feeling this Zuhair Murad. The cap sleeve, high neck and open chest is really interesting, especially on such a thin creature like Taylor. My initial reaction was "this chick is TALL" but then I also realized she was standing next to Bruno Mars. So....yeah.

Adam "Lose the Girlfriend and Let's Talk" Levine

 Gentlemen, THIS is how you wear a suit. Me likey.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats

There's so much swag in this pic, I can't even hang. Swizz's grape velvet jacket with matching bowtie are out of control hot. Alicia took a fairly simple LBD* and spiced it up with a bold collar necklace. I sweat these two big time. More than anything, it's great to see a couple work their own style yet still flow nicely together. I hate that matchy-matchy Justin Timberlake\Britney Spears dating era "let's rock matching denim outfits" shit. You totally know what I'm talking about.

sidebar: fairly certain those are the same heels Rihanna's got on as well. I need. 

*little black dress

Don't Hate Me Because I Dig It: Skylar Grey

 I'm reminded of a Family Guy episode:

Peter - "Have fun at the spa girls."

Meg - "I'd rather choke myself on seaweed and die."

Peter - "Ooooooh you are dark!"

Yeah.

But seriously, I really do love the dress. Maybe not for the Grammy's but, hey, who is she anyway, right? 

 And I might need to borrow those shoes.

Juice Crush: Foo Fighters

 Most importantly, Dave Grohl. I mean, the guy is just so awesome. If we dated we'd probably sit around and watch Bravo (I read he's into Real Housewives, for real) and drink beer and he'd serenade rock ballads to me and we'd just laugh all night long. Then I'd make him take a shower before we got into bed.

Julianne "Beard" Hough

 This is an "eh" post. I don't love it and I don't hate it. I'm just contractually obligated to include Julianne on here because of some memo I received in the mail from Ryan Seacrest Productions that said....I mean.....she looks absolutely stunning, fabulous, gorgeous, best look of the night, dying over her, shutting it down.

Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

The Civil Wars

You're damn right I had no clue who these two were before last night and you're damn right I downloaded their album as soon as I found out. Zero shame. 

They had, hands down, the coolest performance of the night, and done in only a minute.

Dude also has a real sexy Johnny Depp thing going on. Which I dig, obvs.

Ice T and Coco Clean Up Nicely

I have to say, I'm not quite comfortable living in a world without Coco's cameltoe exposed.

Kelly Rowland

 Kelly Rowland looking good looking like Alicia Keys.

Kings of Ironic, I mean, Leon

I haven't witnessed such an awkward interview since Will Ferrell won his first race in Talladega Nights and didn't know what to do with his hands. High as a kite or disinterested as hell...either way, these guys are bloody gorgeous. 

Kelly "Silver Fox" Osbourne

 I realize I've been hating on Kelly recently. But come on, when you're a panelist on E! Fashion Police, it's like you have a free pass on the red carpet. Sort of like  if you're banging Ryan Seacrest... *coughJulianneHoughcough* 

But I give props where props are due and Miss O is glitztastic fabulous. There's a little bit of a "vagina thing" going on with her draping in the midsection, but I'm gonna overlook it. I also am totally feeling her hair, finally. It took awhile, but she's found that good place between grey and purple.

LL Smooth J

 The LL Cool J Drinking Game:

drink every time he licks his lips

(which, in theory, should get everyone hammered after the first five minutes)

Amazing concept, but the game turned out to be a bit of a fail, meaning he rocked a decent chapstick and we also didn't see a whole lot of him. 

All good, though...I still drank. And let's be honest, do these awards shows really need a host anyway? Not really. Sort of unnecessary...kind of like sideline reporters. 

Jessie J

 I want to put on some roller-skates and get my all-skate groove on under this disco ball. This is a good thing. I really do love this dress. And I really love roller skating. 

Leather. Mini. Shorts.

 Dear Chris Brown, 

I win.

Love, Ri Ri