THE JUICE...according to Jackie

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

By Popular Demand

Happy New Year's To The Juice...

On New Year's Eve, J.Lo surprised me with the greatest gift I could receive....the largest cameltoe ever.

Thank you J.Lo.

This is going to be a bitchin' 2010. xoxo

Monday, January 4, 2010

Sorry Folks! The Juice has been drinking heavily over the holiday season and has taken a little break... If you've been craving some Juicings...GET YOUR SKIVVIES READY, it's Awards Season. We got the People's Choice, Golden Globes, Grammy's, the list goes on. I'm pumped. Hoping you're pumped too!

xoxo

Juice

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2009 MTV VMA Awards Edition

"Oh, Damn."

OMGaga.

Honestly, I really can't decide which is my favorite.

Couple of thoughts:

- I was surprised by "the inspired by The Crow" costume #1 - since when does Gaga wear skirts, let alone floor-length skirts?

- Bloody Tampon costume #2 - thank you for bringing back the undies and ripped nylons.

- "inspired by The Cell" aka red lace costume #3 - I'm predicting this will be the most popular Halloween costume of the year. MARK MY WORDS.

- How sharp is that bush around her face? Because it looks sharp.

- Costume #5 looks like Joan Jetson was reincarnated and brought back to accept a VMA award.

- And finally, I want the doily headdress to be a big statement piece this fall. It looks like two ass-cheeks on top of her head. So chic.

The Asshole and his Accessory

What's the better accessory : Amber Rose looking like a walking snakeskin clutch or a bottle of Hennessey?

Amber Rose deserves a Fugging all to herself - I mean, really? A skin-tight, snakeskin BODYSUIT. And her necklace, earrings and bald ass head make her look even more like an alien than she normally does. But Kanye had to get tossed in here for remaining the reigning King of the Douche. Who hijacks a 17 yr old's acceptance speech? FAIL.

Jenny from Back in the Day

VELVET? I'm cringing.
None of this works. The gold velvet arms attached to a silk dress and then paired with full lace booties? WTF? I want to see fabrics working harmoniously together!! Not waging WWIII against each other.

The Hills Are Alive with Horrible Clothing

Good God. Just because Kristin Cavallari is back, doesn't mean the other MTV players need to give up.

I love Whitney Port and I typically love her fashion choices. But I'm not swooning over this dress. Her corset top is doing nothing for her ta-ta's...they're a little sag-tastic...and aren't corsets supposed to do the opposite of let you sag? Just asking.

And if she cut that see-through edge off, I'd buy it. It'd be a little short (possible crotch flash) but still, much better than that crap hanging off the end.

Lo Bosworth looks like she should be trying out for next season's Real Housewives of the OC. Talk about aging yourself with a dumpy, old-fashioned shift dress. And her makeup is a bit clownish, don't you think? Thus, again fitting right in with the overly-processed, overly-made up RHofOC. Meow.

Most Gratuitous Plugging

Really? Wow. Can't wait to run to the theater for this one...

"HOT Damn!"

"F*** You, Kanye"

Forget that Kanye jumped onstage and robbed this girl's glory of accepting her first VMA award...Taylor Swift looked AMAZING all night. Her red carpet gown was to die for, and when she turned around and showed that draped open back, the heat level rose like 10 notches. Her makeup is GORGEOUS, I'm loving the retro red lip on her, and I'm glad she pulled her hair back to give all attention to that stunning dress. Team Swift all the way.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: Paying Homage to the Moon Man Award

Let's call this the "Moon Man" look, shall we? I'm DYING over it.

Shiny, Glitter, Spikes, Insane Gladiator heels, Cleavage, Shiny....It's fun. It's fitting. It's the VMAs; you're allowed to show some pizzazz and go out on a limb. I want to fly to the moon with these chicks and party. Are Earth Girls Are Easy? Katy Perry gives a resounding YES.

Jacob.

If you haven't seen the New Moon trailer yet, I recommend a viewing. The movie looks great and, more importantly, you get a sneak peek at Taylor shirtless. I feel dirty saying this since he's like 17 yrs old, but I am a puma...And I need to replace my Jonas Brothers obsession with someone fresh. I think T.Laut is a good fit.

Beyonce: A Total Class Act

If I could find a picture of Beyonce in her performance outfit (a shinier version of her bodysuit from "Single Ladies" video) I would have put that up here. Because seriously, this chick is so hot. How the fuck do her boobs look like that - all perky, cleaved out and bouncy, while not falling out of a deep v neck while perculating on the dance floor for 20 minutes?

Case in point: her very cute red dress for the red carpet. Again, note the deep v. And the pushed up cleavage. What is the trick? Is the dress ridiculously tight? Is it glued to her skin? Does she have Super Boobs? I want to know, B. A lot of women out there want to know.

OH Shit! Someone Better Be Firing Their Stylist!!!

At least Shakira rocked some over-the-knee boots to give it a different look than Pink's. Personally I think Pink looks better here all in all, but it's apples to oranges. They're both hot, it's a cute dress.
Shakira will definitely be the first to fire her stylist, as she was quoted "my stylist told me it's a one of a kind..."

Whereas, Pink probably just took a few shots, walked over to Shakira and said, let's just take some twinzy pics, ok? Her brilliant quote was, "When you can buy it off the internet, this is what happens." I love it.

Monday, August 10, 2009

THE JUICE...according to Jackie 2009 - Teen Choice Awards Edition

"Oh, Damn."

Kristen "F*** with Me and I'll Sit On You" Stewart

No, seriously: how do you sit in that thing? I'm cringing at the thought of it! This is taking "edgy" to all extremes of the word and style, don't you think?

In all honesty, though, I kind of dig the sharp-edged skirt...it's really the top, shoes, and hair that I'm having a hard time swallowing. So it's the Teen Choice Awards and you gotta tone down a skirt with a white wife-beater tank you bought at Walmart in a pack of 3? Really? And the shoes do NOTHING for legs. NOTHING. Who really goes for the "cankle" look? So unflattering.

And I'm fairly certain that her hair was cut by Edward Scissorhands.

Shawn "Are Those Veins or Trees?" Johnson

Alright, I know she's as cute as a baby bunny in a field of daisies, but if Shawn's 15 minutes of fame extend to 30, girlfriend needs to hire a stylist ASAP. That dress is an epic fail. The one-sleeve is tragic, not to mention it BELLS out a'la 1992. And I haven't quite figured out the pattern yet...is she channeling her inner nervous system? It's summer! Those trees should have some flowers on it, dammit!

Robert "I'm Soooo Brooding" Pattinson

Hottest question of the night: Did he or didn't he wash his hair for this event? I'm going to go with the latter - that hair is coiffed too perfectly to have been freshly washed. You need that sixth day of grease to really get the right movement...

Kristen "Genie in a Bottle" Bell

Um....what?

Let me start by saying that JUMPERS ARE NOT SEXY. You can show me as much cleav\chest as you'd like, a one-piece jumpsuit is never going to turn a dude on. Top that off with a cropped, baggy leg and you're really never going to get laid in that. And don't give me the whole "it's comfortable" thing...because you can pull a dress on in one swoop just like you can pull a jumpsuit on...only a dress doesn't offer the opportunity for cameltoe.

Chace "Something's Off..." Crawford

I typically enjoy vests on guys - it's hot and casual. But is it just me or is there something a little off with this particular vest look? I can't decide if it's the double-collar action that's going on: collared shirt with collared vest...or if the collar on the vest is just tiny-looking??? I'm perplexed...

Britney "At Least She Looks Sane..." Spears

I know, I know. I'm supposed to say, "doesn't she look healthy and happy?" But I think she's been healthy and happy for long enough for me to fug her up on this one. The hair. Oh, the hair. Girl, your weave looks sooooo bad. Could she at least put a curling iron or flat iron or something to her hair so that it doesn't look like fried horse hair?

I'm waiting for the paparazzi to debut their "Britney crotch shots" getting in and out of a car at this red carpet...because there's no way she didn't flash vag in that short little number. So what'll it be? Do we think undies or no-undies???

The JoBlows

Yes, you've read this right my loyal Juice fans...I am putting my beloved Jonas Brothers on the "Oh, Damn" list. The khaki blazer on Nick is hideous and Joe must really be reeling from that break-up because the neon green\black blazer\necklace thing he's got going on is soooo New Jersey. "The Other Jonas" looks alright...for all (non-matching) blacks. Is this a sign of the times? Am I finally over the Jonai? Dun, dun, dun....stay tuned....for the next Juice....

"HOT Damn!"

Leighton "The Pin-Up" Meester

Ms. Meester looks soooo retro pin-up girl chic in her black, white and red ensemble. The cut and shape of her dress are fantastic on her body and the poppin' red heels are just the icing on the cake for me. Hotness. I want to take pictures of her. I want to draw her.

Emma "Goth-tastic" Roberts

I am COMPLETELY digging this goth-look from Emma. I'm so glad she pulled her hair back to show off that gorgeous neckline on her mini!!! Everything about this is edgy and sexy. (Kristen Stewart - take note here)...and strays from Emma's typical "squeaky-clean" Disney image.

Who's That Girl? Kim Kardashian!

Kim Kardashian debuted some new blonde locks at the Teen Choice Awards - and she looked SMOKIN' hot!!! With that golden tan and white dress, she could double for Malibu Barbie. Or one of Hef's new girlfriends.

Megan "Boneriffic" Fox

What's the Juice according to Jackie without Megan Fox?!? I 100% worship this chick. The Fox looks absolutely flawless in her form-flattering cocktail dress, complete with tasteful cleave and beach-sexy hair. But did I mention I'd kill for those shoes? Because I would.

Taylor "Yumlicious" Lautner

ATTENTION Chace Crawford,

THIS is how a vest should look.

xoxo,

Juice

Hottest Couple of the Night: Ashley Tisdale and some dude

Awww!!! Could these two look more smitten?!? <3>Ashley looks hot and whatshisname makes for a nice accessory, as well.

Let's just hope this is real love...not that "I really dig you right now, so I'm going to send you some nudie pics of me so that when we break up in two months you can post them on Twitter for everyone to see" love...

Miley "Dear God, I Hope There's Not a Front Angle to this Photo" Cyrus

Because someone may have gotten an eyeful of crotch....

You gotta love a 17 year old that really knows how to work a pole.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

NEW TREND ALERT???

I think Joy Campia has stumbled onto something brilliant here. I can already see young, starving Hollywood coveting these crocheted "food-wear designs"...no more will the withering-away Lindsay Lohan's of the world have to "pretend eat" anymore! No more fake posing with a can of Coke and a McDonald's cheeseburger to prove that they do in fact intake calories! And for those of us looking to shed a few pounds - what's better than a constant reminder to put DOWN the donut...because guess what? There's already 10 hanging around your neck. GENIUS.