How You Livin'?

I wanted to be a Fly Girl when I grew up.

My parents and I would watch In Living Color every week, and every week my parents would have to convince me that the show probably wouldn't last long enough for me to be a Fly Girl...I'd have to assume some other dream in life.

Unfortunately, like all parents, they were right. As good as I thought the show was and that it'd stand the test of time, it was canceled too soon for me to throw on some spandex and have a legitimate shot.

Recently, in light of the fact that I'm never home and too cheap to pay for cable at the moment, I've been hitting the DVD player hard. Good thing I have a pretty killer collection...which, of course, includes season one of In Living Color. I still giggle at Homey the Clown and Fire Marshall Bill, and I still find myself desperately wanting to be a Fly Girl, getting my running man on to the smooth spinning of SW1.

More importantly, I now find myself laughing over the costumes these chicks wore. Do we think neon spandex shorts will ever be fashionable to wear out to the mall, a restaurant or club again? Or how about a bedazzled bra worn OVER a white t-shirt? Knee pads anyone? Oh wait, my favorite is the criss crossed suspenders in the front...not the back. 90s fashions still make me scratch my head...but I'm sure that American Apparel will find some inspiration in it's ridiculousness one day and all the hipsters will be rocking crushed velvet leotards with knee pads and shiny doc martens soon. And I'll be soooo happy I'll be too old to wear that shit again.

xoxo Juice

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 MTV Video Music Awards

Hot Damn!

Baby B

Beyonce alllwaaaays looks amazing, but she couldn't have hit it any harder with this bright punch of orange, beautifully showcasing her brand new baby bump. That kid is going to come out dressed in diamonds, burberry and gucci with a wallet full of 100's. Literally.

Demi "Look Who's All Grown Up" Lovato

My God. I had to check twice to make sure this was really Demi Lovato. Girlfriend is on fire! I love the metallic texture to this form-fitter and you know I always love a good show of appropriate boob.

Kelly "Beyonce Who?" Rowland

Again we have some excellent "appropriate boob show-age"...do you see a trend here? I enjoy sexy, people.

So, I'm absolutely loving this dress on Kelly. The mixed textures of the feathers, metallic and sheer are really working for me, paired with a simple peep-toe heel and matching clutch. She looks sleek and sophisticated. Exactly what 98% of the invited guests at the MTV VMAs chose not to do.

Katy "Don't Hate Me Because I Kind of Love It" Perry

Please note the "kind of"...I don't 100% love this. It's over-the-top and costume-y, but I'm really beginning to find Katy Perry whimsical in her dress choices. I want to get in her head. I want to know what inspired her to want to look like Memoirs of a Geisha under the cherry blossom tree meets hooker. It's got to be a fabulous place, that brain of hers. A crazy, fabulous place.

- Insert MTV tv show actress name here -

OBSESSED with the lip color. I want to see a lot of this for fall. I wish I had that skin coloring to rock it though. I'd look like a high-class 90s hooker or a goth chick, take your pick.

Jessie "Crutches" J

.....I know. She looks absolutely ridiculous. Let's start from the top, shall we? The severe haircut, a spraypaint\bedazzled tube leotard, bedazzled WHITE tights, bedazzled cast, bedazzled loafer, candy cane striped crutches...I honestly never thought I'd get sick of typing bedazzled in my entire life until this moment. It's such a good word.

But all in all, injured or not, this bitch came with it. She was like "I may have my foot in an ugly cast and have to walk with crutches, but I'm gonna bling." So good for you Jessie J. Good for you. *said through clenched teeth*

Snook-tastic

Outside of those "blonde" highlight extensions, Snooki cleaned up really nicely for this awards show. I think she's starting to realize people enjoy her for being her, not for being a sideshow act. Her body is looking bangin' too, so props to the dieting. I'm sure we'll be seeing her on the next installment of QuickTrim ads or some shit like that.

Kim K.

Marriage does a body good.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 MTV Video Music Awards

Oh, Damn.

Nicki "Japanime" Minaj

Nicki honey. We need to talk. This contraption (yes, contraption because it's far from an "outfit" or "clothes") looks like the claw game at the Arcade threw up its prizes onto Tokyo and then flew out to Mars. Is this supposed to be an attractive look against SARS? I guess on the plus side her hair is making me hungry for some cotton candy...

Deena "Rainbow Brizzzzight"

Yikes! Stripes! Fruit Stripe Gum!

Remember that gum, you guys? omg. Deena is exactly that packaging. See below and try to disagree with me.

Kreayshawn "Funland"

Walt Disney would be pissed if he saw this get-up. It's kind of fitting, though, as she kind of looks like a cartoon herself. I really want her next youtube video to be a tutorial on how to curl your bangs like that without burning your forehead. I'd definitely watch and take notes.

Miley "Wallpaper" Cyrus

Woof, Miley. I don't know if you've been eating a lot of cheeseburgers lately or that dress is just the absolute most unflattering dress I've ever seen. Cheetah melting into flowers melting into squiggly lines? Genius. Please, no one tell me this is like straight off the upcoming Gucci fall collection. Because I'd die.

The Jonas Brothers. Wait...No.

One of these things is not like the others...

One of these things just doesn't belong...

Can you tell which thing is not like the others...

By the time I finish my song?

*sesame street rules.

SSS&MMM

Jo-Jo got some junk in her trunk. Literally. She attached the garbage bags from out back onto her dress for a little oomph. Kind of dying to know if they flatten when she sits on them.

Kate Cruise

Do we think Katie let Suri dress her for this occasion?

"Ok honey, which shoes should Mommy wear?"

"Those!"

"My construction booties?"

"Uh-huh."

"Shit."

Manly Gaga

All I could think of during this performance was, my god is this an ode to Ralph Macchio in The Outsiders? I was just waiting for a "stay gold, ponyboy" line to be dropped.

Busted

Nice.....vest?

Britney "Don't worry honey, I wouldn't hold it against you" Spears

You know, I'm all for Brit's comeback...I bought the album, I dance to the tunes, I'm happy to see her in a stable relationship and taking care of her babies like a somewhat normal mother, and I'm happy she's brushing her extensions every now and then and laying off the Cheetos. But ever since the infamous shaved head, there's just something awkward about my ex-obsession. She looks like a thirteen year old girl posing here...not someone who's been doing red carpets for 18 years...right? Uncomfortable. I know she's got a jumper on and those can be uncomfortable if they ride a little into your ass, but I'm talking uncomfortable in her skin uncomfortable.

More importantly, I vomited when I saw those shoes.

???

Yeah I have no clue who this chick is. But can we slide those silver tassels up a little bit so they're hanging from her boobies? Because that would be much more entertaining for me.

The Beibs

Wait, I'm sorry. Is that a baby snake for an accessory?

WHAT.A.BADASS.

Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Seleiber

This looks like a really cute high school lesbian couple, just "giving chicks a try to see if they like it." Oh and we got the snake here too. So awesome. No joke, though, red skinnies and cheetah shoes are kind of my favorite combo right now, so I can't knock. I literally almost walked out of the apartment with the same outfit on the day after this show....got made fun of, then changed my shoes. And Selena was a scrolldown nightmare for me. What a gorgeous girl, and the lace was working for me at first. Then I scrolled down. And I saw....a cape.

Queen of the Night gurrrlfriend.

Are You Over it Yet? Well, it's a Royal Wedding Post....Deal With It.

I know I may seem like a soul-less human being at times, so brace yourself for this one: I had may-jah tears watching highlights of Will and Kate's Wedding. It wasn't the "royal treatment" or "fairy tale" of it all...it was because they actually looked like they're madly in love. These faces exhibit true happiness to me. And that makes the Juice well up like a little girl.

*ok Will and Kate, please last longer than 3 years so I don't look like an ass for these comments*

That all being said, let's talk the Hot and the Fug of the Ceremony, shall we?

HOTTT

Kate looked ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. I cannot stress this enough. What a gorgeous, natural beauty she is.

I adore the long-sleeved lace on her "Sarah Burton for the House of Alexander McQueen" gown. It's a conservative move, yet with a modern twist. Complete with Cartier tiara, she simply exuded royal beauty.

And can we talk about the fact that Kate did her own makeup? Flawless. She gave herself a tad more oomph to her typical natural, sporty look and it was a 100% win in my book. I fell a little bit in love with her every time she smiled at Will and those dimples took over her pretty pink cheeks.

So let's move on to the near scene-stealer Pippa.

I mean, damn girl! And here we all thought wearing white to a wedding was a total faux pas...Pippa said F-that and as MOH looked like she could be walking down the aisle herself. But I have to give props, she looks amazeballs.

Even Harry thought so...

And speaking of Harry? Yum. He can take a few of those ropes off that jacket and tie me up....whoa, whoa, what?! Sorry. Stream of conscience....

Here are a few of my other favorites:

Loving this hat. It's making a statement, yet it isn't batshit crazy.

I'm enjoying the all-over pale pink here and the dress has beautiful subtle detail.

The Queen, like, invented colorblock, ya'll.

Who knew that Britney Spears was invited? LOL

And last, but not least. Becks. Two words: ultimate wheelhouse.

FUGGG

We all know Victoria Beckham is preggers, but this is totally unlike her to wear a potato sack. Her hat falls into my "how in the hell is that staying on her head?" category. And lastly, the platform on those shoes make my feet hurt just looking at them. Is there a word for more than strippertastic?

Tara Palmer Tomlinson looks like she could be a Batman villain. "Violet Beauregard"...she attacks the city of Gotham with her poisonous blueberries hidden in her sushi boat hat. Will Batman be able to defeat her and save the townspeople from blowing up into human exploding blueberries? Stay tuned...

No. No. No. If you're already a Princess, shouldn't you have that whole "style" thing down pat? Or at least have a stylist to assist in that regard? Princesses Eugenia and Beatrice look like Gaga Gone Wrong. Be careful, if you look Beatrice's hat dead-on, you'll turn to stone.

If you look closely, you might find some clown fish swimming around that coral...um, hat?

And lastly, if you're supposedly the next Princess-to-be (and dating the much hotter Harry), I think it's time to start dialing it in. Chelsy Davy looks a hot mess. She's giving me that "I'm just here for the free booze" vibe...AKA the "Tara Reid."

Am I a Hoarder?

This, ladies and gentlemen, was found during my "wardrobe purge" today.

Feast your eyes upon my New Year's Eve top, worn to celebrate the end of an amazing year: 2000. I remember it all too well...

I was desperate for something sassy and, at this time, I was a freshman in college and the uber-trend was black pants -- I had like 800 pairs of black pants from Express.

Ironically, Express is exactly where I purchased this bad boy. The top obviously features some loud-as-hell ombre paillettes, BUT, what you're not seeing is that the back was OPEN. Tied together with two strings "to show off my sweet butterfly tattoo" at the time. I'm holding back the vomit as I type this, but seriously, isn't it hilarious to look back at past trends and wonder how something was cool? French cuffing jeans always comes to mind...

But let's get to the crux of the matter: what the hell am I still doing with this thing???

Was I planning to resurrect for when it's finally funny to dress like the 90s for Halloween? I have no idea. I literally have no answer for you all...other than...I may be a hoarder.

Overheard at Kohl's...

"I need to find some new turtlenecks."

Oh, don't worry honey. I got you.

Saw this bad boy on the clearance rack. You can't beat 80% off. Ever.

In other news...

Pop Question.

These jean shorts below are...

A. hanging in a rad 80s vintage boutique

B. hanging in Kohl's for everyday women to wear

If you chose A. I'm so sorry. I was too.

*chokes vomit back*

On a lighter note, did you know that literally everything is like 40-50% off at Kohl's? I was stunned. So you never know, I might just be rocking these jort diapers this summer. Coming soon to a bar near you....dun dun dun.

A Letter from the Editor...and Blog One of Unemployment

Hello to my loyal Juice-aholics.

It's been a little slow here at Juice Headquarters, as I've recently decided to quit my job of six years and skip town back to the city I love and call home - Chicago.

With this new "free time" on my hands, I fully commit to getting my shit together, starting with cranking away on one of the things I have always truly loved doing: blogging the literal diarrhea of my thoughts on fashion, trends, you-name-it for the world to read. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Literal diarrhea? No that's not right. Gross.

So that being said...here is the first of many blogs to come from a newer "The Juice according to Jackie."

Today I went to Target. When you're unemployed, this is a really big event in the day. Well, at least it was in mine. I hadn't been to Target in quite some time and dammit I love this store. If I could define my love for Target in three words it would be:

Credit Card Debt.

Ok, so I did go with a purpose -- needed to renew those fabulous birth control pills -- but that doesn't mean I didn't walk around for, oh, say an hour or two. Perusing.

Now, when I was employed, perusing would usually end in a $240.13 checkout. What the hell? I only came here for tampons, toilet paper and lotion! Shit.

Today I was faced with a challenge. No steady income = no unnecessary items. This is near impossible for me at Target. Key word: near. So I walked away with two "uneccessaries":

$4.99 e.l.f. 32 piece eyeshadow collection

$5.49 essie nailpolish - "master plan"

How amazing is this eyeshadow collection? I am going to have so much fun farting around with all these colors in my spare time! And essie's "master plan" is a color I will rock throughout spring, as neutrals are all the rage for this season.

Ok, you're probably thinking, "Juice...really? You're unemployed. You should be saving your money, not buying makeup and nailpolish." To which my reply is, "Listen Mom. I know. But a girl has to make herself happy. And these things made me very happy today." And $4.99 for that palette? "Bargain Shopaholic."