Are You Over it Yet? Well, it's a Royal Wedding Post....Deal With It.

I know I may seem like a soul-less human being at times, so brace yourself for this one: I had may-jah tears watching highlights of Will and Kate's Wedding. It wasn't the "royal treatment" or "fairy tale" of it all...it was because they actually looked like they're madly in love. These faces exhibit true happiness to me. And that makes the Juice well up like a little girl.

*ok Will and Kate, please last longer than 3 years so I don't look like an ass for these comments*

That all being said, let's talk the Hot and the Fug of the Ceremony, shall we?

HOTTT

Kate looked ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. I cannot stress this enough. What a gorgeous, natural beauty she is.

I adore the long-sleeved lace on her "Sarah Burton for the House of Alexander McQueen" gown. It's a conservative move, yet with a modern twist. Complete with Cartier tiara, she simply exuded royal beauty.

And can we talk about the fact that Kate did her own makeup? Flawless. She gave herself a tad more oomph to her typical natural, sporty look and it was a 100% win in my book. I fell a little bit in love with her every time she smiled at Will and those dimples took over her pretty pink cheeks.

So let's move on to the near scene-stealer Pippa.

I mean, damn girl! And here we all thought wearing white to a wedding was a total faux pas...Pippa said F-that and as MOH looked like she could be walking down the aisle herself. But I have to give props, she looks amazeballs.

Even Harry thought so...

And speaking of Harry? Yum. He can take a few of those ropes off that jacket and tie me up....whoa, whoa, what?! Sorry. Stream of conscience....

Here are a few of my other favorites:

Loving this hat. It's making a statement, yet it isn't batshit crazy.

I'm enjoying the all-over pale pink here and the dress has beautiful subtle detail.

The Queen, like, invented colorblock, ya'll.

Who knew that Britney Spears was invited? LOL

And last, but not least. Becks. Two words: ultimate wheelhouse.

FUGGG

We all know Victoria Beckham is preggers, but this is totally unlike her to wear a potato sack. Her hat falls into my "how in the hell is that staying on her head?" category. And lastly, the platform on those shoes make my feet hurt just looking at them. Is there a word for more than strippertastic?

Tara Palmer Tomlinson looks like she could be a Batman villain. "Violet Beauregard"...she attacks the city of Gotham with her poisonous blueberries hidden in her sushi boat hat. Will Batman be able to defeat her and save the townspeople from blowing up into human exploding blueberries? Stay tuned...

No. No. No. If you're already a Princess, shouldn't you have that whole "style" thing down pat? Or at least have a stylist to assist in that regard? Princesses Eugenia and Beatrice look like Gaga Gone Wrong. Be careful, if you look Beatrice's hat dead-on, you'll turn to stone.

If you look closely, you might find some clown fish swimming around that coral...um, hat?

And lastly, if you're supposedly the next Princess-to-be (and dating the much hotter Harry), I think it's time to start dialing it in. Chelsy Davy looks a hot mess. She's giving me that "I'm just here for the free booze" vibe...AKA the "Tara Reid."

Am I a Hoarder?

This, ladies and gentlemen, was found during my "wardrobe purge" today.

Feast your eyes upon my New Year's Eve top, worn to celebrate the end of an amazing year: 2000. I remember it all too well...

I was desperate for something sassy and, at this time, I was a freshman in college and the uber-trend was black pants -- I had like 800 pairs of black pants from Express.

Ironically, Express is exactly where I purchased this bad boy. The top obviously features some loud-as-hell ombre paillettes, BUT, what you're not seeing is that the back was OPEN. Tied together with two strings "to show off my sweet butterfly tattoo" at the time. I'm holding back the vomit as I type this, but seriously, isn't it hilarious to look back at past trends and wonder how something was cool? French cuffing jeans always comes to mind...

But let's get to the crux of the matter: what the hell am I still doing with this thing???

Was I planning to resurrect for when it's finally funny to dress like the 90s for Halloween? I have no idea. I literally have no answer for you all...other than...I may be a hoarder.

Overheard at Kohl's...

"I need to find some new turtlenecks."

Oh, don't worry honey. I got you.

Saw this bad boy on the clearance rack. You can't beat 80% off. Ever.

In other news...

Pop Question.

These jean shorts below are...

A. hanging in a rad 80s vintage boutique

B. hanging in Kohl's for everyday women to wear

If you chose A. I'm so sorry. I was too.

*chokes vomit back*

On a lighter note, did you know that literally everything is like 40-50% off at Kohl's? I was stunned. So you never know, I might just be rocking these jort diapers this summer. Coming soon to a bar near you....dun dun dun.

A Letter from the Editor...and Blog One of Unemployment

Hello to my loyal Juice-aholics.

It's been a little slow here at Juice Headquarters, as I've recently decided to quit my job of six years and skip town back to the city I love and call home - Chicago.

With this new "free time" on my hands, I fully commit to getting my shit together, starting with cranking away on one of the things I have always truly loved doing: blogging the literal diarrhea of my thoughts on fashion, trends, you-name-it for the world to read. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Literal diarrhea? No that's not right. Gross.

So that being said...here is the first of many blogs to come from a newer "The Juice according to Jackie."

Today I went to Target. When you're unemployed, this is a really big event in the day. Well, at least it was in mine. I hadn't been to Target in quite some time and dammit I love this store. If I could define my love for Target in three words it would be:

Credit Card Debt.

Ok, so I did go with a purpose -- needed to renew those fabulous birth control pills -- but that doesn't mean I didn't walk around for, oh, say an hour or two. Perusing.

Now, when I was employed, perusing would usually end in a $240.13 checkout. What the hell? I only came here for tampons, toilet paper and lotion! Shit.

Today I was faced with a challenge. No steady income = no unnecessary items. This is near impossible for me at Target. Key word: near. So I walked away with two "uneccessaries":

$4.99 e.l.f. 32 piece eyeshadow collection

$5.49 essie nailpolish - "master plan"

How amazing is this eyeshadow collection? I am going to have so much fun farting around with all these colors in my spare time! And essie's "master plan" is a color I will rock throughout spring, as neutrals are all the rage for this season.

Ok, you're probably thinking, "Juice...really? You're unemployed. You should be saving your money, not buying makeup and nailpolish." To which my reply is, "Listen Mom. I know. But a girl has to make herself happy. And these things made me very happy today." And $4.99 for that palette? "Bargain Shopaholic."

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Golden Globes Edition

Oh, Damn.

Tilda "Swashbucklin'" Swinton

Yar matey! God this is an attractive woman. Does she do this on purpose? Is Tilda trying to be ironic, or whatever hipster term it is used to describe someone who actively tries to be unattractive to prove a point? No one in their right mind would wear a white collared button-up with a butter yellow silk skirt with that pale complexion, EVER, let alone to the freakin' Golden Globes. I'm angry people. Angry. If I were there, I would have escorted her crazy-ass back to her spaceship, or whatever it was she arrived in.

Helena Bonham Carter *sigh

You know, I think it's the mis-matched shoes that have really done it for me this time. Does anyone else think she was slightly inspired by Elaine from Seinfeld here?

Michelle "Flower Power FAIL" Williams

Let's get one thing straight: Daisies will NEVER be cool. I honestly don't think this dress would be cool even in the 70s. This pains me so much, as I normally love Michelle's pixie hair and mod looks...this is soooooo different for her. And there are DAISIES on what looks to be hemp material or, dare I say, linen? LINEN...ok I'm getting angry again...

Tina "F F F Fugly" Fey

Who did her hair, the Bride of Frankenstein? Ba dum ching!

God, and you all know how I feel about velvet. It makes my skin crawl...and not just when I rub it the wrong way.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Seal and Heidi

Um, wow Heidi. There is a lot to ingest here. *yes, ingest. I dabble in TV, it works the same as digest in my opinion...deal with it*

Between the fetus-shaped bow, the thigh-high slit, the 70s pattern and the stripper Louboutins, the whole thing is a disaster. Andy Warhol wouldn't even like this. And Seal...I love a man in all black, but lose the shades and the shoes and we'll be straight, ok?

Jennifer Love "Whatchu Got Hiding in There?" Hewitt

Listen, we all know her boobs are big, but come on. That's a lot of material and folds up top there. Anyone 5'5" and up that gets even remotely close to JLove in this dress could sneak a mayjah nip peek here. Scratch that. Entire boob peek.

WHO WORE IT BETTER?

I'm going with Helen, obviously.

Julianne "Eat Yer Spinach" Moore

That is one serious Popeye arm. How much spinach do you think she has to eat to fill that ridiculous piece of fabric? I'd say three cans, at least...

Hope "He-She" Davis

I've always loved a good half-man\half-woman costume. You know, suit and coattails, skinny mustache and half a top hat on one half of the body, ball gown and lipstick on the other...every time I look at this dress, that is exactly what I'm picturing.

Julianne "Age Yourself Much?" Hough

Question: Who invited you?

Answer: Ryan Seacrest. He thinks I'm pretty and that his family will really like me when I come home for Christmas. He keeps using the word "believable."

Kelly "Fashion Police?" Osborne

For someone on a "stylist panel," this is such a bad choice. Kelly looks like she's been sliced open with a really shitty dull butter knife...or by a surgeon on pills - take your pick.

Glee Chick

Sidebar Rant-tastic: I seriously don't understand this whole Glee fascination. They lipsync. Can this chick actually sing? I have no idea. So why do I want to root for her while she does that whole "Jessica Simpson big mouthed, over-expressive lip sync thing" ? I don't know. It's glee club - it should be live and kind of horrible and awkward and with more acne. Also, the writing is unbearable at times. I could guest write for this show...when I was 13.

Anyway.

What'shername looks like a giant pink creampuff. And not in a delicious way.

Leighton "Grandmama" Meester

Remember when Larry Johnson of the Charlotte Hornets -- god, isn't it insane that children today would probably go "Charlotte Hornets? Who are they?" ugh I'm getting old -- anywho, remember when Larry Johnson had his alter-ego Grandmama? Complete with wig, glasses and floral frock, he'd dunk all over your ass because she\he was wearing Converse React Juice shoes? Well, Leighton looks like she may have stumbled into an old wardrobe warehouse and found one of Grandmama's muu-muus.

Natalie "Who's the Daddy? No, really" Portman

At least she didn't wear white. And I mean that in the non-virginal way.

Halle "Catwoman 2" Berry

This is an unfinished catastrophe of a dress. Ridiculous.

Gabourey "Now that's a Muu-Muu" Sibide

Is that cheetah print with butterflies? I can't determine, but let's go with it. Cheetahs and butterflies DO NOT MIX. I repeat, cheetahs and butterflies do not mix. It's not like hippos and tiny birds, ok? Butterflies aren't landing and hanging out on cheetah backs.

Also, my bang-envy does not apply here.

X-Tina

This is some bride of Chucky shit if I've ever seen it.

Sidebar: If you're thinking, "Juice, what's with the underlining?" I'm thinking the exact same thing right now. I have no idea how to get rid of it and it's starting to piss me off. I thought blogspot.com was supposed to be user-friendly!? Don't they know I'm a technological idiot? This is worrisome. Maybe blogspot agrees in that X-Tina and Christian Bale have some really hideous outfits and they wanted to over-exaggerate it with some serious underlining....Oh well. 'Til next time.

Christian Bale

This better be for a role.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Golden Globes Edition

Hot Damn!

Angelina "Green with Envy" Jolie

Gorgeous color! And sporting what I found to be the most Juicetastic trend of the night: SEQUINS AND SHINE! Ms. Jolie-Pitt is flawless. Maybe this means she'll lose the all-black looks and insert some more color into her wardrobe? If there's anyone who doesn't need to look "slim" and can rock a big ass pattern or a bright ass color, it's her.

Anne "Like a Glove" Hathaway

Jaw-dropper. You know, with all-over glitter and sequins like we have here, there's always high potential for looking like a disco ball...but Anne's gown here is 1,000% breathtaking. The nude color and cut of the gown just drape over her body - it's sexy and sensual. I thoroughly enjoy that she kept everything else minimal and simple. Let that dress speak for itself honey, because it's yelling...and I'm loving every second of it.

Olivia "Hot Wicked Witch" Wilde

Marchesa never seems to disappoint on the red carpet. Olivia was one of the early arrivals and after I wiped the drool from my chin, I knew this was going to be a pretty special event. I'm not kidding, I would wear this as a wedding dress. No, seriously. I'm not really a "white" person...set aside your non-virginal remarks...this gown is an absolute showstopper.

Carrie "Simple Works" Underwood

Honestly, there's nothing overly amazing about this whole look, I just decided to include Carrie due to the fact that she usually gets 90% of her look right...and tonight we've hit the big one ladies and gents. She's in the Juicetastic trend of sequins and shine, it's flattering as hell, love the color on her, her hair and makeup are flawless, no gawdy jewelry - just a simple clutch...I'm all about it. Kudos!

January "Rawr" Jones

Ok, this may fall into the "Don't Hate Me Because I Love It" category...I realize I may stand alone here...but I am OBSESSED with this dress. Would I ever wear it? Absolutely not. Actually, I'm convinced that only January could pull this look off. But she's doing it marvelously.

Maybe I should have preficed that if I could live in another era it would be the Roaring 20s - thus, my obsession and fascination with this Flapper-esque gown. *Swoon* the hair, the makeup, the cut-outs, the fringe...all she needs is a feather in her headdress and she'll Charleston her ass all over the red carpet.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green

I mean, come on. They need to have babies, stat.

Mila "Emerald City" Kunis

At least she didn't wear black.

Johnny "Cleans Up Well" Depp

Johnny Depp is loved by everyone. I would go so far to say that no one in the world hates Johnny Depp. No one. Now, that being said, Johnny, in my opinion, takes advantage of this and typically dresses like a homeless person. "Eh, they'll still love me," he thinks to himself as he laces up his mud-stained boots. Therefore, at this moment in time, Johnny has graced us all with the sexified, put-together Johnny Depp that we'd all love anyway if he were in shorts and a t-shirt. Thank you.

Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt

I really do love that the Mad Men peeps really embrace their era. This couple is straight-up Old Hollywood for me, and you all know how much I love that. This is a killer suit, gentlemen. Absolutely killer.

*although I want to re-iron those pants

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Julie Bowen

I honestly have no reasons, just gutteral reaction. I love this dress.

Sandra "Bangtastic" Bullock

I love her bangs. I'm having major bang-envy as of late and am really thinking about biting the bullet again. I know, I'm sure I'll do it and immediately regret it and want them to grow out, but isn't that how the hair world works? We all want what we don't have. Deep Thoughts by Juice.

Amber "YESS" Riley

She's never looked better. And I love the glitz...

You know, writing this blog has really allowed me to explore the essence of "me" and my general likes and dislikes. I've come to realize many things in my three years of blog-dom...and one of those is this:

I'm a sucker for anything shiny.