Oh, Damn.
Tilda "Swashbucklin'" Swinton
Yar matey! God this is an attractive woman. Does she do this on purpose? Is Tilda trying to be ironic, or whatever hipster term it is used to describe someone who actively tries to be unattractive to prove a point? No one in their right mind would wear a white collared button-up with a butter yellow silk skirt with that pale complexion, EVER, let alone to the freakin' Golden Globes. I'm angry people. Angry. If I were there, I would have escorted her crazy-ass back to her spaceship, or whatever it was she arrived in.
Helena Bonham Carter *sigh
You know, I think it's the mis-matched shoes that have really done it for me this time. Does anyone else think she was slightly inspired by Elaine from Seinfeld here?
Michelle "Flower Power FAIL" Williams
Let's get one thing straight: Daisies will NEVER be cool. I honestly don't think this dress would be cool even in the 70s. This pains me so much, as I normally love Michelle's pixie hair and mod looks...this is soooooo different for her. And there are DAISIES on what looks to be hemp material or, dare I say, linen? LINEN...ok I'm getting angry again...
Tina "F F F Fugly" Fey
Who did her hair, the Bride of Frankenstein? Ba dum ching!
God, and you all know how I feel about velvet. It makes my skin crawl...and not just when I rub it the wrong way.
UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Seal and Heidi
Um, wow Heidi. There is a lot to ingest here. *yes, ingest. I dabble in TV, it works the same as digest in my opinion...deal with it*
Between the fetus-shaped bow, the thigh-high slit, the 70s pattern and the stripper Louboutins, the whole thing is a disaster. Andy Warhol wouldn't even like this. And Seal...I love a man in all black, but lose the shades and the shoes and we'll be straight, ok?
Jennifer Love "Whatchu Got Hiding in There?" Hewitt
Listen, we all know her boobs are big, but come on. That's a lot of material and folds up top there. Anyone 5'5" and up that gets even remotely close to JLove in this dress could sneak a mayjah nip peek here. Scratch that. Entire boob peek.
WHO WORE IT BETTER?
I'm going with Helen, obviously.
Julianne "Eat Yer Spinach" Moore
That is one serious Popeye arm. How much spinach do you think she has to eat to fill that ridiculous piece of fabric? I'd say three cans, at least...
Hope "He-She" Davis
I've always loved a good half-man\half-woman costume. You know, suit and coattails, skinny mustache and half a top hat on one half of the body, ball gown and lipstick on the other...every time I look at this dress, that is exactly what I'm picturing.
Julianne "Age Yourself Much?" Hough
Question: Who invited you?
Answer: Ryan Seacrest. He thinks I'm pretty and that his family will really like me when I come home for Christmas. He keeps using the word "believable."
Kelly "Fashion Police?" Osborne
For someone on a "stylist panel," this is such a bad choice. Kelly looks like she's been sliced open with a really shitty dull butter knife...or by a surgeon on pills - take your pick.
Glee Chick
Sidebar Rant-tastic: I seriously don't understand this whole Glee fascination. They lipsync. Can this chick actually sing? I have no idea. So why do I want to root for her while she does that whole "Jessica Simpson big mouthed, over-expressive lip sync thing" ? I don't know. It's glee club - it should be live and kind of horrible and awkward and with more acne. Also, the writing is unbearable at times. I could guest write for this show...when I was 13.
Anyway.
What'shername looks like a giant pink creampuff. And not in a delicious way.
Leighton "Grandmama" Meester
Remember when Larry Johnson of the Charlotte Hornets -- god, isn't it insane that children today would probably go "Charlotte Hornets? Who are they?" ugh I'm getting old -- anywho, remember when Larry Johnson had his alter-ego Grandmama? Complete with wig, glasses and floral frock, he'd dunk all over your ass because she\he was wearing Converse React Juice shoes? Well, Leighton looks like she may have stumbled into an old wardrobe warehouse and found one of Grandmama's muu-muus.
Natalie "Who's the Daddy? No, really" Portman
At least she didn't wear white. And I mean that in the non-virginal way.
Halle "Catwoman 2" Berry
This is an unfinished catastrophe of a dress. Ridiculous.
Gabourey "Now that's a Muu-Muu" Sibide
Is that cheetah print with butterflies? I can't determine, but let's go with it. Cheetahs and butterflies DO NOT MIX. I repeat, cheetahs and butterflies do not mix. It's not like hippos and tiny birds, ok? Butterflies aren't landing and hanging out on cheetah backs.
Also, my bang-envy does not apply here.
X-Tina
This is some bride of Chucky shit if I've ever seen it.
Sidebar: If you're thinking, "Juice, what's with the underlining?" I'm thinking the exact same thing right now. I have no idea how to get rid of it and it's starting to piss me off. I thought blogspot.com was supposed to be user-friendly!? Don't they know I'm a technological idiot? This is worrisome. Maybe blogspot agrees in that X-Tina and Christian Bale have some really hideous outfits and they wanted to over-exaggerate it with some serious underlining....Oh well. 'Til next time.
Christian Bale
This better be for a role.
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