The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 People's Choice Awards Edition

Hot Damn!

Minka "Derek Jeter's a Lucky Man" Kelly

I know I harp on the fact that an awards show should call for more glamour, but I'll give the People's Choice a pass...and Minka a major pass...because her outfit is simply perfect. It's utterly sexy and totally interesting. She is oozing everything good.

Taylor "Swingin' Single" Swift

I seem to recall a few years back giving Reese Witherspoon major props for showing up to the awards season shows looking as glamorous as possible post-Ryan Phillippe break-up...and Taylor seems to ironically follow in her footsteps post-Jake break-up. She looks absolutely stunning in her nude cocktail dress with matching nude Prada pumps (those which I covet). Now let's just have her write a song about ol' Jake and be done with it, shall we?

Zac "So Fresh and So Clean" Efron

Much like our adorable T. Swift, Zac is fresh off a break-up with Vanessa Whatshername. When chicks are sad over an ex, they wear sexy dresses and red lipstick...when dudes are sad over an ex, well...if you're Zac Efron...you wear a fabulous suit with fresh haircut. I think normal dudes would go out to a local bar and get hammered while watching favorite baseball team, but...Hollywood is not normal by any means.

Maggie Q

I am OBSESSED with this dress. Maybe it's the rocker girl with tattoos in me - but I love a rough yet sexy dress more than anything. Chick looks FIERCE. The feminine ruffles on the side panels soften the rocker body beautifully. Ok, before I stop rambling I need to use one more word in caps locks...I'm gonna go with: RAWR!

ECLIPSE

Juice the Body Expert says, "Look at the way Robert is looking at Kristen. He's obviously thanking her, but her gaze is staring intently on that hideous bomber jacket he decided to throw on. She's thinking "Taylor and I dialed it in. Like, really dialed it in. I know we were running late, but...you could have tried harder hon." Thus, Kristen's body is leaning towards the hotter, more sexified Taylor as they both look at Rob with pity. These two may be on the rocks, in my professional opinion."

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Katy Perry

I would be remiss if I dissed the love of my life Betsey Johnson. Her dresses hang in my closet like works of art. I cherish the times that the Jude and I shop her boutique for my birthday outfits. And it was Betsey that created this frock and it is uber-Betsey at her finest. I love her free spirit, her girly, rockabilly, whimsical and fantastical pieces. I am shocked that Katy hasn't employed Betsey as her own personal designer because she just speaks to the creativity that is Ms. Perry. I know you all went "What the F***?" when you saw this...but I went, "Ahhh, yes, Katy Perry. Yes." I adore it.

Selena "Where's the Biebs?" Gomez

This little thing is so adorable I want to just eat her up. Cute Cute Cute. Love Love Love.

The Juiciest Couple of the Night: NPH and David Burtka

This is the 2nd Juiciest Couple nod that goes to this glam-couple and I'm ready to give them more. These guys are gorgeous and always totally put together. Counting down til the Golden Globes for some tuxes...but this'll do for now. =)

The Kardashians

Well, America is obsessed with the Kardashians and so am I. I am an admitted Kardashian watcher. I can watch 10 hours of them in a day. Ask my dad. He was disgusted with me over Christmas break and the "reality television crap" that I watched. "What do you get out of this?" he asks. I reply, "I know what false eyelashes and heavy eyeliner will really do to a face. And a fake tan can really kick your body up a notch. And having high pitched voices, big boobs, butts and drama capture audiences worldwide. And now I know that dying your hair red when you're a true brunette is not a great choice."

Kaley "Penny" Cuoco

I LOVE the Big Bang Theory. Therefore, I love Kaley Cuoco. I feel like she's as fun in real life as she is in the show. We need to be friends. I can relate in that I secretly love nerds.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 People's Choice Awards Edition

Oh, Damn.

Aly and AJ!?!

AKA Amanda and Alyson Michalka

Does anyone else remember Aly and AJ's music? The girl duo was featured heavily in the WNBA season of 2006...just sayin'.

Anywho, these girls have taken their career paths in the opposite direction - acting - and they both star in the hit CW series "Hellcats." I use hit here with all the sarcasm my tongue can spew.

You know, Amanda (top) looks alright...although I'm not so sure a sewn in shrug is the "it" factor I'm looking for on the red carpet. Now, Alyson, on the other hand, reminds me of when Michelle Pfeiffer became Catwoman *the best Catwoman, in my opinion* and she starting sewing leather, and ripping, and stitching, and more ripping....I feel like this happened here. That is, only if Alyson were originally in a nun's habit and she decided to turn nighttime barmaid instead. And....scene.

Anisha "Please Hire a Stylist" Nagarajan

The Juice hasn't had a hire a stylist plea in awhile. Here, we have an extreme case of "lesser known actress gets to walk the blue carpet for the first time." Why not splurge a little? There are people for this, honey! Friends, even! How does she not have a friend in Hollywood that has some sense of style and won't tell her "you look greaaat" with every outfit tried on??? If I were Anisha's friend, I'd grab this frock and say "this really needs to be smoothed out with an iron" and then accidentally burn the shit out of it so we could go last minute shopping for something, anything better than this.

Diedrich "Molestache" Bader

Free Mustache Rides!!! This mug right here, even with that shit-eating grin, has won him a role on Criminal Minds next season. No question.

Cat "So you Think you Can Dress?" Deeley

This dress isn't completely horrible, it's just a couple inches short of being great. Why the awkward ankle length? I don't get it. It makes it so....witchy. Witchy Woman....

Ashley "Oompa" Tisdale

Girlfriend is ORANGE. This is such a bad spray tan that Ash has that "tan mustache" thing going on - dark in all the wrong areas of the face. I'm not even looking at her dress because she basically just blends into this thing.

Corey "Try a TAD Harder Next Time" Monteith

Great...

Hot...

Sexy...

Loving it...

NO NO NO NO!!!!

Scrolldown. Nightmare.

Pauley "No H8" Perrette

Love what she stands for. But I can still despise what she's wearing. Ghosts wearing white sheets are so cliche...now, a sheet cut at vagina-length is a little less the norm. Touche.

Raven "Just Not Raven" Symone

Black Swan gone soooooooooo wrong. Honey, who put you in this Big Bird dyed black monstrosity? You look healthy, like you've lost a couple of those kiddie pounds...why aren't you showing it off?? Such a shame.

On a positive note, your cleavage is delicious though.

Lisa "Broke-ade" Fedelstein

God I hate a good brocade couch fabric dress complete with summer sandal in January.

Miranda "White Tights or White Legs?" Cosgrove

I think it's funny when we can watch the progression of child actors become more and more bored with red \ blue carpet appearances...Miranda looks absolutely thrilled. She put in that extra effort into her outfit, hair and makeup, as well.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Taye Diggs and Kate Walsh

I may be a little harsh here, because these two are very beautiful people. But I feel like both just totally mailed it in. They look...wrinkled. And pretty sure Forever 21 is making a knockoff of that dress already so let's try for something a little more current for the Golden Globes, shall we Kate? That goes for you too, Taye. Black tux, please. Thanks. xoxo

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Edition

Oh, Damn.

Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Jenna and Tito

Well, Jenna looks ok. I guess when you're a superstar porn star, any time you're out and wearing clothes it's a win on technicalities. But, Tito. OH, Tito. Honey, when your dome is that large, you should NEVER wear a skinny tie to accentuate the largeness that is your melon, and neck for that matter. And when you're a celebrity, I don't ever want to catch button-fly jeans on you. You have enough money to custom fit your (insert designer jean name here).

Snooki! Orange You Glad I'm Juicing Her?

I could talk for days about how Snooks needs to lay off the bronzer and self-tanner. Instead, let's talk the dress. Back in the day, we had this hilarious store at the mall called "Rave." And it's everything you're imagining. Snooki is modeling a 1992 vintage Rave dress here. OMG, the cut-outs on the arms? Seriously. She might as well throw some snaps at the end of that dress and make it a "dress and\or bodysuit."

We Have a Situation Here

These two just look like cartoon characters. Cartoon characters with a lot of STDs.

Speaking of STDs.....Ron Artest and his "date"

Is it wrong of me to ask why Ron Artest is even at the MTV Video Music Awards? Someone should have told him that when that rare invite happens, you shouldn't show up with a chick in full bodysuit velvet. Which reminds me of one of the greatest quotes in television:

"Honey, I love you. I think you're a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead."

Holy Hell Robyn.

Could this possibly be inspired by the upcoming TRON? If so, not quite sure where the hippie bomber jacket came into play...maybe she was feeling a little body conscious in her LATEX BODYSUIT.

And those wedges are just asking for a sprained ankle, people. A lot of cork died for those bad boys.

Caption Me?

Just looking at this picture makes me laugh out loud. I think nothing more can be said.

PARAMustache

Paramore is, like, the cutest band, for real (said in teenaged Juice voice, before she hit puberty). I think Hayley can dye her hair whatever color she feels like, just because she can sing with the best of them. My gaze though...my gaze keeps settling on that delicious molestache on the left...can't, look, away....

Wow.

*jaw drops to floor*

*picks jaw up*

HOLY SHIT.

In situations like this, where I am literally at a loss for words to completely articulate my feelings on how utterly ridiculous, atrocious, and hysterical an outfit is, there is only one phrase that comes to mind:

"Cocaine's a hell of a drug."

Where's Jesus on Your Necklusssss Ke$ha?!

Xena Warrior Princess on a lot of drugs.

Is that a garbage bag turned into a dress? Sounds like a pretty bitchin' Project Runway quickfire, right? I think we're about 2 steps away from seeing full blown vag, too. So...this is a win for Ke$ha, all things considered.

GAGAlicious

That is one hell of a feather mohawk. I didn't think there could be a cooler one since I saw Rufio's in Hook.

And then she rocked THIS one. If I were Cory Monteith, I wouldn't be laughing. I would be slowly moving backward...you know, just in case she made any sudden head movements and spikes went flying.

Is anyone else hungry?

America's Next Top Model?

Eva Pigford is stunning. But has anyone who's won Tyra's money-maker ANTM ever become a "top model?" Anywho...Eva loses the "Ice Princess-tastic" theme of the night in a skater dress gone bad. This is so bad it would be a win for the Skating with the Stars cast. *Ba-dum-ching!*

DeadMau5

We'd have posture like that if we wore a 10 lb. costume head at all times. Seriously, does anyone have a picture of what this guy looks like? It has to be some Phantom of the Opera shit, right? He woos young ladies with his sick beats, yet his face is so disturbingly disfigured he finds that covering it with a dead mouse is even better than what's underneath...

Oh, Cher.

She wishes she could turrnnn backkk timmmeeee.....then she would finnddd aaa wayyyy.....

This get-up wasn't cool in the 90s and it certainly isn't cool in 2010. There's throwbacks and vintage and then there's this. And I swear to God, if her ass cheeks are hanging out, my head might explode.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Edition

Hot Damn!

Miami Vice: The Shore.

You know, honestly? Ronnie and Vinny look kind of hot. Maybe it's because we've lived through 3 seasons of the Jersey Shore and the more I see them, the more adorable they become. It's like that guy that lives next door who, when you first met him, you thought was a huge dweeb and maybe a generous "4 out of 10." But now that you've gone dateless for the last 3 months and he keeps bringing in your trash cans, he's looking more and more like a solid 6.

Rosario "Hot Leather" Dawson

Love Love Loving this entire look on Rosario! This is exactly how you wear a leather dress. It's fitted beautifully and it's sexy, yet classy. Leather dresses do NOT need to be cut right below the crotch, ladies! What's making me swoon the most, though, is the fabulous blue color along with the teal pumps and red lip. It's absolutely working for me. Girlfriend looks FIERCE.

Penn "Casz-Cool" Badgley

*Le Sigh* He could be shopping at the mall right now, as opposed to walking a red carpet for an awards show, but I really don't care at all. He looks delicious.....

Sorry, just had to go grab a towel to wipe the drool.

Katy "Teenage Dream" Perry

Was I a tad disappointed Katy didn't walk the red carpet in her stereotypical costume, complete with neon color wig? Yes. However, there were so many other freakazoids at this year's VMAs that I'm glad she didn't go that route. When Katy does "pretty," she nails it. In what I'm calling the trend of the night - "Ice Princess-tastic" - she does the figure skater-look wonderfully. So much so, that I will overlook the blue and pink highlights that come out of nowhere. I'm a nice Juice tonight. It's because I'm only on my first glass of Chardonnay. Wait til I get to Nicki Minaj.

Jordan Catalanooooooooooo

I will always and forever love Jared Leto. Ignore the two vagrants next to him (not like you were even looking at them, anyway). He is seriously so fricken HOT. Total wheelhouse. My #2 behind David Beckham, for obvious reasons. Oh, and to talk fashion for just a sec, I'm obsessed with his leather jacket. Ok, now let's get back to swooning...

Florence and Her Machine

When you break it down, there are a number of reasons why this dress should NOT work.

1. Full body nude

2. Zip-up

3. Full body nude ANTIQUE LACE

Read those out loud and you're like "um, gross." But Flo looks crazily stunning. She's got that Dita Von Teese thing going on a bit - that "pale face, red lip, vintage dress" style. Kudos.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Ciara

OBSESSED over this dress. Ugh, the ostrich feathers are soooooo stunning here. Very chic and edgy. The lace is phenomenal and cuts in such a sexy way on her arms. Dying. I. Want. This. Dress.

Drake "Oh You Fancy, Huh?"

Ok. Even though this is a scrolldown nightmare when you get to the....Japanese slippers?? But I love a good-looking guy in all black. I do. I really do.

Audrina "So Icy" Patridge

Funny nugget: Audrina is listed as a "television personality." I would say yes to television, no to personality. BUT, this is a sassy dress. Heart the glitz glamour and glitter.

Ashley "Bitch Face" Greene

Girl gives good face. When you look beyond how unhappy she seems here, this is an adorable dress. It's so hard to fail with black and white. It's young, fun, and girly. Just what the VMAs red carpet needs.

Hotness of the Week and Fugness of the Week

Kim "Costume Change FAIL" Kardashian

It's difficult to take double honors on The Juice, but Kim Kardashian managed to make me drool and then make me vomit -- all in one night. It may seem impressive for Kim to conjure up such opposing feelings in me, but I need consistency...or so my therapist tells me.

On Kim's 30th Birthday Bash at Tao in Las Vegas, she hit the red carpet pre-festivities in what could possibly be the most epic Vegas\Birthday\I'm 30 and Still Smokin' Hot\and Single dress ever. I'm not sure how she's breathing, but it doesn't matter because this dress is a 10 on the

boner-scale.

Later in the evening, Kim opted for a costume change. And by costume, I mean Little House on the Prairie meets the Housewives of New York. WTF. Pointy toe heels + lace +"shoulder pad contraption doilies" + severe up-do DOES NOT = 30th birthday party in Vegas. It is the exact opposite of what any woman should go for.

The only situation that can explain this disastrous wardrobe choice is this: a rich and sexy Armenian man showed up and swept Kim off her feet - leaving her feeling monogamous and virginal for this love of her life that she will soon marry, thus the choice in dress.

Unfortunately, I don't think that was the case. *Sigh*

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

In light of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, The Juice wants to talk PINK...particularly in the NFL. I am getting such a kick out of seeing the array of pink accessories worn by players this October. My personal favorite is seen below: the ombre pink to black gloves are pretty bomb.

Let's talk about the questionable pink accessory though:

The Chinstrap.

But it's all subjective. :)

Feel Your Boobies, Ladies!

xoxo