The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Golden Globes Edition

"Oh Damn."

Drew "Anemones" Barrymore

I'm fairly certain there are sea urchins growing out of her shoulder and hip. And that shit looks poisonous.
Here we have a typical case of "a little goes a long way"...had she had the growth attracting sea horses and clown fish near her shoulder ONLY, we might have something here. But shoulder and hip? Overkill. And no woman actively wants their hips (or hip in this case) to look bigger. Unless you're drunk and high. Which is highly likely in this case.

Quote of the night from @klhamble "Whoa. It's a Lady Gaga reject dress..."

Diane "Don't Hate Me For Hating It" Kruger

True, Ms. Kruger is a fave of mine. She's a total fashionista; a muse to many designers. But what happened here? I'll admit, it photographs MUCH better than it looked on the red carpet. She looked like a pink puff pastry cinched together at the waist. A horrific Prom Night Disaster Dress...complete with a 1992 pearl barrette holding her lackluster hair back. Disappointed.



Tina "Spoonful of Sugar" Fey

What in Mary Poppins hell is going on here? Where is the rest of the fabric to finish this dress??? This shittastic cupcake looks like it belonged on Toddlers and Tiaras at the Miss Moffett Pageant. Ugh.




Most Random Couple of the Night: Mickey Rourke and his Mail-Order Russian Bride-Model

After the coin Mickey dropped to buy this chick, he was obviously low on funds... so they hit up the local mall and hit the jackpot at Bebe. On the flip side, you all know how much I love Mickey's Urban Cowboy thing he has going on...xoxo

Mariah "My Bras are Otherwise Known as 'Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders'" Carey

No, you will not read the obligatory Golden "Globes" reference here on The Juice.

Instead, sung to the tune of LMFAO & Li'l Jon's "SHOTS":

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS....EVERYBODY!!!

Quentin "American Ninja" Tarantino

I believe Quentin described this as a "traditional American tuxedo plus a traditional Japanese tuxedo combined"...Really? Love him. But really? I'll let it slide though because he makes f***ing awesome movies. This outfit is NOT his greatest masterpiece.




Julianne "Sack" Moore

Don't you just want to take both sides of this potato sack and rip it apart from that seam down the middle? I totally do. Maybe that's the lure in this - it's really velcroed together down the middle, doubling as a really couture robe for lounging around your Hollywood Hills mansion...Julianne thought she'd opt for comfort tonight. Whoosh. One swift pull and she's ready for p.j.'s.

The "Try Harder Next Time" Award: Julia Roberts

Wow. I mean, thanks for at least throwing on a necklace that F21 Accessories most likely makes a $12 knockoff of....it really spruced up that, demure jersey day dress.

My only excuse for her was maybe she was cocktailing during lunch, got accidentally hammered and forgot she had a red carpet event to go to...spruced up makeup in the car. Thoughts? Maybe?

On a total sidenote: I love getting accidentally hammered.

Jayma "Glee Chick #1" Mays

That gown is a bitchin' labyrinth yo. David Bowie would be proud. I'm having a bit of a seizure just looking at it.




Jennifer "The New Snuggie" Morrison

Ok. Couple of things:

1. I'm quite happy to see House is bringing Jenny back...always nice to see my fellow Mount Prospect peeps employed.

2. Her boyfriend bought this for her. Heart. Melting.

That all being said....It's just baaaad. I want to snuggle up in her and fall asleep on the couch with a candle lit.

Another case of "a little goes a long way"....give me that bottom with a clean top, I'm sold. Now she's just got a Big Bird thing going on, which doesn't always work for me (sorry Big Bird).

Most Perfect Couple of the Night: Fergie and Josh Duhamel

So perfect that dare I say they look like wax figurines??? Calling Madame Tussaud's!

Good to see these two kids worked out that whole "stripper sexcapade" debacle though...

Anna "Christmas Came Really Early" Kendrick

LOVED her in "Up in the Air" (gratuitous plug, everyone go see it...especially if you travel a lot). But the glittered poinsettia detailing on this dress just left me wanting to open some presents.

Chloe "That Fucker Ripped My Dress!!! Sevigny

For those that didn't watch, some hired goon\model\actor\waiter escorted Chloe up the stairs to receive her Globe...only to trample on her train as he walked away. Personally, if it were me, I would have gone America's Best Dance Crew on that shit. Holy Ruffffffffffles.

Lea "Glee Chick #2" Michelle

This is soooooo Glenda the Good Witch Gone Bad.

A total Scrolldown Disaster Dress: from the top, it's quite nice. Chic, fitted nicely...and then a shitstorm happens. Literally. There is a full blown category 10 storm brewing under that tent.

Marion "I See London..." Cotillard

Are we supposed to see her bra and slip? Just askin'....

100% Gratuitous Mention: Iron Mike Tyson

Brilliant. And seriously, guy looks good. Face tats never go out of style.

Hotness of the Week

You're Welcome.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 People's Choice Awards Edition

"Oh Damn."

Jessica "Hips Don't Lie" Alba

What woman on this planet wants to purposely make their hips look wider than they are??? This dress on Alba is soooo severe. From the hips jutting out, to the cone boobs, to the sleeves that are most likely prohibiting her from lifting her arms up more than an inch...I'm uncomfortable looking at her.

Chris Sides gets the quote of the night on this one: "It will be all the rage on Saturn in 2045..."

p.s. Ashton Kutcher is a douche

Carrie "I Really Hope She Catches Something in That Net" Underwood

Here's a case of the dreaded "Scrolldown Disaster" dress.

When I first caught a glimpse of Carrie sitting in the audience, I was like, "Oooh, ok, this could be cute! But just watch, she'll totally let me down with some shitty 3\4 length dress bullshit..." (I really did say this, just ask Rene)

Well, she did. She let me down big time. What is that spiderweb, unfinished rope, fishing net disaster hanging from her dress??? This had so much potential if it was all tight and fitted!!! But alas. On the plus side, I think she could keep this for Halloween this year. Seriously. Total slutty witch costume potential.

Chevy "Nanananananananaaa" Chase

Worst Tie of the Night. I'm fairly certain there are horses and monkeys on this tie. Horses and Monkeys....I know.

Nicole Scherzzz....er, Lead PussyCat Doll

No, I don't wish my girlfriend looked like you tonight, sorry! Ahh, the tacky Vegas Showgirl look. The gold lame just looks cheap to me. And let's be serious, the Pussycat Dolls are known for wearing funky little "next to nothing" numbers - this dress cut just seems dated on her.

Rascal Flatts

I actually have no words here. Only audible gagging noises. Minor puke in mouth.

Mariah and He Who Holds Her Up

This had to have been before Mariah killed two bottles of wine. She's seemingly still walking on her own, albeit, still clutching to her hubby.

But I digress...this "wedding dress gone bad" was so ill-fitting that a sober Mariah couldn't have walked, stepped, ran, skipped, sat, anything in this dress. It was also ill-fitting in the chesticles region. When she first bent over I swear I thought we were going to get nips. I was actually on the edge of my seat praying...SOMETHING LIVEN THIS BROADCAST UP!!! Anywho, the side boob action and back fat on this puppy were something to write home about.

Alyson "Get This Girl an Iron!" Hannigan

For those who read The Juice religiously, it's no surprise to read about my hatred for 3\4 length dresses. Look at this thing. It's not even 3\4 it's like 4\3...or something (math was not my strong point)...look, what I'm trying to say is I can only see a sliver of calf\ankle here. "Cankle" if you will. Give me thigh. Give me knees.

Listen, I think Awards shows are a big deal and that actors, musicians should agree. When stars show up to the People's Choice Awards looking like they don't give a shit, it really pisses me off. Wear a gown. OR wear a mini. It's one or the other people. The 3\4 length is half-assing it in a lazy, "eh, it's kind of dressy", dumpy kind of way. Ok, I'm done.

Sandra "Changed My Mind" Bullock

At first, I liked this. Yes, I know, it's 3\4 length (sigh), but it's got an asymmetrical drape thing going on that somehow makes it ok for me. =) But the more I look at it, the more I think Sandra is wearing suede. And that's never ok in my book - at least as far as dress material goes...there IS always a place for suede chaps in my life, though.

"HOT Damn!"

(Editor's Note: In all seriousness, my favorite dress of the night was on the People's Choice Award Girl - you know, the chick who stands in the background and hands over the award, but yet oddly there was an entire segment surrounding her and a fucking horrible product placement plugging CVS? Yeah, her. Her dress was bomb. But she's the award girl, I don't think they're even allowed on the red carpet, let alone backstage near celebrities...so no photos. If you caught the show (I'm sorry if you did), her dress was my fave by far.)
Ok, moving on...

Diane "I Do No Wrong" Kruger

HOTTTTTTTT. Where there's skintight white on Diane Kruger, there's fire. This chick's body is a solid 12. I mean, white is unflattering. White makes people look fat. Diane is putting this theory to shame, people, shame!!! Legs for days, sexy gladiator heels, Dying. Love it.

Ginnifer GOODwin

Ms. Goodwin is getting my "I Know You All Will Disagree With Me On This, But I F-ING LOVE This Dress" Award. I'm L.O.V.E. LOVING this dress. Who knew a simple draping across the waist could make stripes figure-flattering? The giant flower strap is an interesting piece (in a good way) and it just fits with her pixie haircut. Just absolutely loving the whole look on her. It's very reminiscent of Carrie Bradshaw season 3, but I think that's a super good thing. Petite pixie girls can totally pull this look off. And Ginnifer is doing just that.

Whoa! It's a Juice Two-fer!!!
Katie Cassidy (from Melrose Place...I had no clue either before Google)

Kellan Lutz (new crush)

In a snooze-fest of an Awards Show and an even more boring night of fashion choices from our stars, Katie Cassidy, a relative newbie, gave me some excitement by taking a risk and rocking something edgy. Kellan Lutz presented alongside her in an equally cool "Huey Lewis and The News-ish" jacket and skinny tie. I loved it. They look hot. They look young. They look like they're ready to move up the C list to A list chain in Hollywood.

Kate "I Love Goooooooold" Walsh

Some critics have panned this dress on Kate, but I heart it. I think the gold sequins were classy and fun...and not cheap-looking *Nicole PussyCat Doll take notice* It stood out in a sea of blah this awards night. She made a great choice in the high nude pump, her legs couldn't have looked longer. Sexy!!!

Juiciest Color of the Night: Dania Ramirez

Thank you, Dania, for bringing some poppin' color to this show!!! This jewel-tone color has been HOT on the red carpet this year and I was happy to see it tonight! I actually love the bow - although she might look a little heinous from the side, but whatevs - and her shoes are KILLING IT.

The "It" Girl of 2010We should all be prepared to see Ellen's face everywhere in 2010...and I'm A-OK with it. I have such a crush on her. If I were a lesbian, I'd totally want to date her. Strike that. I'm straight and I want to date her. Mad props for her always sticking to her signature style. And that's not a bad thing at all.

Taraji P. "Making Comfy Look Good" Henson

Ms. Henson also gets my "Juiciest Hair of the Night" Award. It's flawless. She's flawless. She typically does no wrong at Awards shows. And to all of my 3\4 length dress-wearing ladies, take note: in my opinion, here we have a "lay-up" dress for Taraji. It's probably her "C" choice in a rack of "A's" for the rest of Awards season. But it's still absolutely red carpet appropriate. It's not lazy. Well done!



Tay Tay

She is sooooo adorable. That is all.

Tay Tay

SWOON. Puma Alert. That is all.

By Popular Demand

Happy New Year's To The Juice...

On New Year's Eve, J.Lo surprised me with the greatest gift I could receive....the largest cameltoe ever.

Thank you J.Lo.

This is going to be a bitchin' 2010. xoxo

LULL IN ACTION

Sorry Folks! The Juice has been drinking heavily over the holiday season and has taken a little break... If you've been craving some Juicings...GET YOUR SKIVVIES READY, it's Awards Season. We got the People's Choice, Golden Globes, Grammy's, the list goes on. I'm pumped. Hoping you're pumped too!

xoxo

Juice

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2009 MTV VMA Awards Edition

"Oh, Damn."

OMGaga.

Honestly, I really can't decide which is my favorite.

Couple of thoughts:

- I was surprised by "the inspired by The Crow" costume #1 - since when does Gaga wear skirts, let alone floor-length skirts?

- Bloody Tampon costume #2 - thank you for bringing back the undies and ripped nylons.

- "inspired by The Cell" aka red lace costume #3 - I'm predicting this will be the most popular Halloween costume of the year. MARK MY WORDS.

- How sharp is that bush around her face? Because it looks sharp.

- Costume #5 looks like Joan Jetson was reincarnated and brought back to accept a VMA award.

- And finally, I want the doily headdress to be a big statement piece this fall. It looks like two ass-cheeks on top of her head. So chic.

The Asshole and his Accessory

What's the better accessory : Amber Rose looking like a walking snakeskin clutch or a bottle of Hennessey?

Amber Rose deserves a Fugging all to herself - I mean, really? A skin-tight, snakeskin BODYSUIT. And her necklace, earrings and bald ass head make her look even more like an alien than she normally does. But Kanye had to get tossed in here for remaining the reigning King of the Douche. Who hijacks a 17 yr old's acceptance speech? FAIL.

Jenny from Back in the Day

VELVET? I'm cringing.
None of this works. The gold velvet arms attached to a silk dress and then paired with full lace booties? WTF? I want to see fabrics working harmoniously together!! Not waging WWIII against each other.

The Hills Are Alive with Horrible Clothing

Good God. Just because Kristin Cavallari is back, doesn't mean the other MTV players need to give up.

I love Whitney Port and I typically love her fashion choices. But I'm not swooning over this dress. Her corset top is doing nothing for her ta-ta's...they're a little sag-tastic...and aren't corsets supposed to do the opposite of let you sag? Just asking.

And if she cut that see-through edge off, I'd buy it. It'd be a little short (possible crotch flash) but still, much better than that crap hanging off the end.

Lo Bosworth looks like she should be trying out for next season's Real Housewives of the OC. Talk about aging yourself with a dumpy, old-fashioned shift dress. And her makeup is a bit clownish, don't you think? Thus, again fitting right in with the overly-processed, overly-made up RHofOC. Meow.

Most Gratuitous Plugging

Really? Wow. Can't wait to run to the theater for this one...

"HOT Damn!"

"F*** You, Kanye"

Forget that Kanye jumped onstage and robbed this girl's glory of accepting her first VMA award...Taylor Swift looked AMAZING all night. Her red carpet gown was to die for, and when she turned around and showed that draped open back, the heat level rose like 10 notches. Her makeup is GORGEOUS, I'm loving the retro red lip on her, and I'm glad she pulled her hair back to give all attention to that stunning dress. Team Swift all the way.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: Paying Homage to the Moon Man Award

Let's call this the "Moon Man" look, shall we? I'm DYING over it.

Shiny, Glitter, Spikes, Insane Gladiator heels, Cleavage, Shiny....It's fun. It's fitting. It's the VMAs; you're allowed to show some pizzazz and go out on a limb. I want to fly to the moon with these chicks and party. Are Earth Girls Are Easy? Katy Perry gives a resounding YES.

Jacob.

If you haven't seen the New Moon trailer yet, I recommend a viewing. The movie looks great and, more importantly, you get a sneak peek at Taylor shirtless. I feel dirty saying this since he's like 17 yrs old, but I am a puma...And I need to replace my Jonas Brothers obsession with someone fresh. I think T.Laut is a good fit.

Beyonce: A Total Class Act

If I could find a picture of Beyonce in her performance outfit (a shinier version of her bodysuit from "Single Ladies" video) I would have put that up here. Because seriously, this chick is so hot. How the fuck do her boobs look like that - all perky, cleaved out and bouncy, while not falling out of a deep v neck while perculating on the dance floor for 20 minutes?

Case in point: her very cute red dress for the red carpet. Again, note the deep v. And the pushed up cleavage. What is the trick? Is the dress ridiculously tight? Is it glued to her skin? Does she have Super Boobs? I want to know, B. A lot of women out there want to know.

OH Shit! Someone Better Be Firing Their Stylist!!!

At least Shakira rocked some over-the-knee boots to give it a different look than Pink's. Personally I think Pink looks better here all in all, but it's apples to oranges. They're both hot, it's a cute dress.
Shakira will definitely be the first to fire her stylist, as she was quoted "my stylist told me it's a one of a kind..."

Whereas, Pink probably just took a few shots, walked over to Shakira and said, let's just take some twinzy pics, ok? Her brilliant quote was, "When you can buy it off the internet, this is what happens." I love it.