THE JUICE...according to Jackie: The Juice...according to Jackie

"Oh Damn."

Drew "Anemones" Barrymore

I'm fairly certain there are sea urchins growing out of her shoulder and hip. And that shit looks poisonous.
Here we have a typical case of "a little goes a long way"...had she had the growth attracting sea horses and clown fish near her shoulder ONLY, we might have something here. But shoulder and hip? Overkill. And no woman actively wants their hips (or hip in this case) to look bigger. Unless you're drunk and high. Which is highly likely in this case.

Quote of the night from @klhamble "Whoa. It's a Lady Gaga reject dress..."

Diane "Don't Hate Me For Hating It" Kruger

True, Ms. Kruger is a fave of mine. She's a total fashionista; a muse to many designers. But what happened here? I'll admit, it photographs MUCH better than it looked on the red carpet. She looked like a pink puff pastry cinched together at the waist. A horrific Prom Night Disaster Dress...complete with a 1992 pearl barrette holding her lackluster hair back. Disappointed.

Tina "Spoonful of Sugar" Fey

What in Mary Poppins hell is going on here? Where is the rest of the fabric to finish this dress??? This shittastic cupcake looks like it belonged on Toddlers and Tiaras at the Miss Moffett Pageant. Ugh.

Most Random Couple of the Night: Mickey Rourke and his Mail-Order Russian Bride-Model

After the coin Mickey dropped to buy this chick, he was obviously low on funds... so they hit up the local mall and hit the jackpot at Bebe. On the flip side, you all know how much I love Mickey's Urban Cowboy thing he has going on...xoxo

Mariah "My Bras are Otherwise Known as 'Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders'" Carey

No, you will not read the obligatory Golden "Globes" reference here on The Juice.

Instead, sung to the tune of LMFAO & Li'l Jon's "SHOTS":

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS....EVERYBODY!!!

Quentin "American Ninja" Tarantino

I believe Quentin described this as a "traditional American tuxedo plus a traditional Japanese tuxedo combined"...Really? Love him. But really? I'll let it slide though because he makes f***ing awesome movies. This outfit is NOT his greatest masterpiece.

Julianne "Sack" Moore

Don't you just want to take both sides of this potato sack and rip it apart from that seam down the middle? I totally do. Maybe that's the lure in this - it's really velcroed together down the middle, doubling as a really couture robe for lounging around your Hollywood Hills mansion...Julianne thought she'd opt for comfort tonight. Whoosh. One swift pull and she's ready for p.j.'s.

The "Try Harder Next Time" Award: Julia Roberts

Wow. I mean, thanks for at least throwing on a necklace that F21 Accessories most likely makes a $12 knockoff of....it really spruced up that, demure jersey day dress.

My only excuse for her was maybe she was cocktailing during lunch, got accidentally hammered and forgot she had a red carpet event to go to...spruced up makeup in the car. Thoughts? Maybe?

On a total sidenote: I love getting accidentally hammered.

Jayma "Glee Chick #1" Mays

That gown is a bitchin' labyrinth yo. David Bowie would be proud. I'm having a bit of a seizure just looking at it.

Jennifer "The New Snuggie" Morrison

Ok. Couple of things:

1. I'm quite happy to see House is bringing Jenny back...always nice to see my fellow Mount Prospect peeps employed.

2. Her boyfriend bought this for her. Heart. Melting.

That all being said....It's just baaaad. I want to snuggle up in her and fall asleep on the couch with a candle lit.

Another case of "a little goes a long way"....give me that bottom with a clean top, I'm sold. Now she's just got a Big Bird thing going on, which doesn't always work for me (sorry Big Bird).

Most Perfect Couple of the Night: Fergie and Josh Duhamel

So perfect that dare I say they look like wax figurines??? Calling Madame Tussaud's!

Good to see these two kids worked out that whole "stripper sexcapade" debacle though...

Anna "Christmas Came Really Early" Kendrick

LOVED her in "Up in the Air" (gratuitous plug, everyone go see it...especially if you travel a lot). But the glittered poinsettia detailing on this dress just left me wanting to open some presents.

Chloe "That Fucker Ripped My Dress!!! Sevigny

For those that didn't watch, some hired goon\model\actor\waiter escorted Chloe up the stairs to receive her Globe...only to trample on her train as he walked away. Personally, if it were me, I would have gone America's Best Dance Crew on that shit. Holy Ruffffffffffles.

Lea "Glee Chick #2" Michelle

This is soooooo Glenda the Good Witch Gone Bad.

A total Scrolldown Disaster Dress: from the top, it's quite nice. Chic, fitted nicely...and then a shitstorm happens. Literally. There is a full blown category 10 storm brewing under that tent.

Marion "I See London..." Cotillard