"Oh Damn."
Lindsay "D.A.R.E. Should Pay Her Just Because" Lohan
Reasons why jumpsuits DO NOT work:
A. cow udder tittays
B. severe coke bloat
So this is what I can look forward to looking like when I turn...um...wait, 24??? Wow.
Juiciest Couple of the Night: Sean and Shaun
There is just too much sexiness going on here for words really.
Wait, is that a f****ing racoon tail coming out of Shaun White's pocket? Oh My God. Now I really don't have any words other than Who In God's Name let him walk out of his house looking like 1994 Arizona threw up on him???
Katy "She'll Melt Your Popsicle" Perry
I keep trying to imagine Katy's red carpet dress minus the blue wig and neon yellow nails...I think it could have been quite lovely, albeit semi-scandalous. But I guess it wouldn't be Katy if it weren't clown-ish, right?
Which leads us to her performance outfit. She looks like a gay superhero. Literally.
But can we talk about her boobs right now? Mine hurt just looking at them.
Amanda Seyfried
When I saw this dress on TV, I thought it looked incredible. I loved the nude. I thought it was sexy. Here? Not so much. She just looks frumptastic. Like, cut her head off and look at just the dress. Could be Sharon Stone wearing that thing dude. And that is NOT a compliment.
L. Grossman and J.Lo
J.Lo, honey. Please see Cameron Diaz about looking young without trying too hard. Thanks. We all appreciate it.
The Try Harder Next Time Award: Jason Segel
I can almost taste the booze sweating out of him.
Eva "Where'd Your Body Go?" Mendes
Holy Sacktastic Batman. I actually enjoy the sequin giraffe motif, particularly the colors, but where the hell did the shape go in this sack? She looked horrrrrible on stage. Doesn't Eva Mendes have like an incredible ass? I'm pretty sure she does. But in this monstrosity, she could be 6 months pregnant (oh I hope she's not, then I'll actually feel bad for this) or she could be 82 lbs...no one will know when your dress was made by sewing two boxes of material together. Ugh.
Be Bad Johnny Weir
He calls himself the Lady Gaga of figure skating...if that's the case, then, deliver Johnny! Deliver!!! That black tulle should be engorging your f***ing face! You shouldn't be able to breathe or turn your neck due to the immense amount of it!
And that lame´ blazer? It should be lame´with sequins and bubbles sewn into it as well!
God! If you're gonna go around calling yourself a Gaga clone, at least do it right sister. (see Xtina Aguilera)
Jessica "Zzzzzzz" Biel
My God she looks like a school marm here. She just needs some black frame glasses and her hair turned up into a french twist and we could have a really wicked porn on our hands. The way she's even standing here looks like she may have a ruler hidden somewhere...(let your mind wander...you're welcome)
Michael "Vintage Doesn't Always Work" Cera
Obviously Michael Cera's been hitting up the local GoodWill store (AKA G.W. Fashions, as my mother calls it)...now, I have nothing against vintage but this is bad. Really bad. Is that baby vomit stain near his neckline?
I know I called it the Year of the Nerd and Michael Cera is like the King of Hollywood Nerds, but he totally failed here for me. I hope those cords start a fire while walking, that's how bad they are.
Twilight, right? Yeah, Twilight is what these crazy kids star in...
Dear R. Patz and Tay Tay,
You are two extremely beautiful men. Earthshakingly gorgeous. Let's not take that for granted, though...
Robert, I'd love to see a good shower out of you. Literally. I would love to watch you shower.
Taylor, please remove the jacket. No one wants to see that body covered up. Ever.
Yours Truly,
Juice
Nicky "I'm Still Alive" Hilton
I was beginning to wonder where Paris buried the body...
So you'd think for her rare photographic red carpet moment she'd dial it in and really bring some pizzazz, but alas. Pretty sure Nicky blindly walked into her closet and came out with a 1995 Missoni. Not old enough to be "cool" vintage yet.
LMFAO huaaah
Where do these guys shop? Are there actually designers out there that create these outfits with these guys in mind? If so, what kind of drugs are they taking and where can I get some?
Most Boring Couple of the Night: Zanessa
Total snoozefest. Zac needs to do something to Wow me. My eye is really starting to wander on him, he may lose me forever. Well, at least Vanessa brought some boobies. Underage boobies. But boobies.
Clone-Tina
Awwww yeah! You see that thing right there on my crotch? That shit is gonna LIGHT UP! I mean, literally!!! A Heart is Gonna Light Up and Flash on My Vajayjay People! I AM AN INNOVATOR.
Lady Gaga called and told this bitch to stop stealing her f***ing look.
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