Random Juicings - My Court Appearance

For the first time in my life, I contested a ticket. It was really for nothing serious - I got pulled over on a sting operation cracking down on cell phone use in the car. (Admit it though, just using the word "sting" made it sound that much cooler).
As guilty as I am of texting, facebooking, tweeting, talking on my cell while driving, I actually was 100% NOT on my phone when I got pulled over. How about that for kharma? Anyway, I contested it because I figured I may have a case, not to mention the ticket was for some serious bucks and I was feeling rather confident about this one.

Which leads me to my court date.

It is incredible what people wear to court. Mindboggling, actually.

Personally, I figured I'd really dial it in and look semi-profesh. Meaning I wore some cute Miss Sixty trouser pants with heels, a black silk tank with a black blazer. Upon arrival, this outfit confirmed me as one of the, oooh, maybe 5 people who actually were employed.
At least that's what I assumed when I saw the clothing options at Superior Court that morning.

My favorites:
Male. 30-something. White wifebeater (bonus points for it being a little baggy, he may have slept in it the night before). "Falling off your ass" jean shorts, complete with a larger than necessary flash of boxers. FLIP FLOPS. "Louis Vuitton" motif flat-brim Yankees hat.
(sidenote: LV is obviously in quotes here as I don't know that they would ever legitimately create a thugged out New York Yankees hat. Just sayin')

Female. 20-something. Possibly 40-something. Coming from the club or going to. (FYI It was a 9:30a court appearance)
"Have no clue how she got them on or buttoned them up" dark denim skinny jeans. Stripper heels, complete with clear plastic platform. Red lycra top exposing her brilliantly big rack. Gold hoop earrings that fell to her shoulders. Red lipstick to match.

Male. 20-something. Definitely in college. Definitely asked all of his friends for a suit - each friend gave him only a piece of a suit.
Floral tie that hung just a bit too short. Denim-like button up shirt. Wrinkled khaki pants. Pothead hair.

I think you're getting the picture.

As I waited patiently, still buzzed from the night before and really enjoying my people-watching, the woman beside me starts barking about how she had been there awhile and people's names were being called before her.
She theorized that "apparently they're calling whoever has money or whoever looks the best first."
I'm sure by now you're wondering what she was wearing. Biker shorts. Biker shoes. Biker gloves. Workout tank top. Backpack with her helmet attached, clanking everywhere she walked.
Thank goodness I bit my tongue here, because she followed by saying, "If my name doesn't get called next, I'm gonna go crazy. I'm bipolar. I'm talking CRAAAAAZY."

My name was called next.

No More Cameltoe??? What's The Juice to do???

ATTENTION READERS: THE CAMELTOE MAY SOON BECOME EXTINCT. I REPEAT: CAMELTOE. EXTINCT.

"Camelflage" has created an underwear to rid the ever-loathed cameltoe.

According to Camelflage:

"The insert is sewn into the panty - your protection is always secure! Learn more about how these panties work to keep you confident, comfortable and smooth in tight situations. You will feel safe and secure knowing you aren't "that girl" everyone is laughing at behind your back. The Original Visual Privacy Undergarment with Camelflage(TM)!"

BEFORE

AFTER

I'm dying people. I mean...The Juice loves nothing like a good old fashioned cameltoe on a red carpet night, but I'll be ok with focusing my rants on other things like jumpsuits, couch patterns and Gaga clones...

This could be revolutionary.

http://www.camelflage.com/

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Movie Awards Edition

"Oh Damn."

Lindsay "D.A.R.E. Should Pay Her Just Because" Lohan

Reasons why jumpsuits DO NOT work:

A. cow udder tittays

B. severe coke bloat

So this is what I can look forward to looking like when I turn...um...wait, 24??? Wow.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Sean and Shaun

There is just too much sexiness going on here for words really.

Wait, is that a f****ing racoon tail coming out of Shaun White's pocket? Oh My God. Now I really don't have any words other than Who In God's Name let him walk out of his house looking like 1994 Arizona threw up on him???

Katy "She'll Melt Your Popsicle" Perry

I keep trying to imagine Katy's red carpet dress minus the blue wig and neon yellow nails...I think it could have been quite lovely, albeit semi-scandalous. But I guess it wouldn't be Katy if it weren't clown-ish, right?

Which leads us to her performance outfit. She looks like a gay superhero. Literally.

But can we talk about her boobs right now? Mine hurt just looking at them.

Amanda Seyfried

When I saw this dress on TV, I thought it looked incredible. I loved the nude. I thought it was sexy. Here? Not so much. She just looks frumptastic. Like, cut her head off and look at just the dress. Could be Sharon Stone wearing that thing dude. And that is NOT a compliment.

L. Grossman and J.Lo

J.Lo, honey. Please see Cameron Diaz about looking young without trying too hard. Thanks. We all appreciate it.

The Try Harder Next Time Award: Jason Segel

I can almost taste the booze sweating out of him.

Eva "Where'd Your Body Go?" Mendes

Holy Sacktastic Batman. I actually enjoy the sequin giraffe motif, particularly the colors, but where the hell did the shape go in this sack? She looked horrrrrible on stage. Doesn't Eva Mendes have like an incredible ass? I'm pretty sure she does. But in this monstrosity, she could be 6 months pregnant (oh I hope she's not, then I'll actually feel bad for this) or she could be 82 lbs...no one will know when your dress was made by sewing two boxes of material together. Ugh.

Be Bad Johnny Weir

He calls himself the Lady Gaga of figure skating...if that's the case, then, deliver Johnny! Deliver!!! That black tulle should be engorging your f***ing face! You shouldn't be able to breathe or turn your neck due to the immense amount of it!

And that lame´ blazer? It should be lame´with sequins and bubbles sewn into it as well!

God! If you're gonna go around calling yourself a Gaga clone, at least do it right sister. (see Xtina Aguilera)

Jessica "Zzzzzzz" Biel

My God she looks like a school marm here. She just needs some black frame glasses and her hair turned up into a french twist and we could have a really wicked porn on our hands. The way she's even standing here looks like she may have a ruler hidden somewhere...(let your mind wander...you're welcome)

Michael "Vintage Doesn't Always Work" Cera

Obviously Michael Cera's been hitting up the local GoodWill store (AKA G.W. Fashions, as my mother calls it)...now, I have nothing against vintage but this is bad. Really bad. Is that baby vomit stain near his neckline?

I know I called it the Year of the Nerd and Michael Cera is like the King of Hollywood Nerds, but he totally failed here for me. I hope those cords start a fire while walking, that's how bad they are.

Twilight, right? Yeah, Twilight is what these crazy kids star in...

Dear R. Patz and Tay Tay,

You are two extremely beautiful men. Earthshakingly gorgeous. Let's not take that for granted, though...

Robert, I'd love to see a good shower out of you. Literally. I would love to watch you shower.

Taylor, please remove the jacket. No one wants to see that body covered up. Ever.

Yours Truly,

Juice

Nicky "I'm Still Alive" Hilton

I was beginning to wonder where Paris buried the body...

So you'd think for her rare photographic red carpet moment she'd dial it in and really bring some pizzazz, but alas. Pretty sure Nicky blindly walked into her closet and came out with a 1995 Missoni. Not old enough to be "cool" vintage yet.

LMFAO huaaah

Where do these guys shop? Are there actually designers out there that create these outfits with these guys in mind? If so, what kind of drugs are they taking and where can I get some?

Most Boring Couple of the Night: Zanessa

Total snoozefest. Zac needs to do something to Wow me. My eye is really starting to wander on him, he may lose me forever. Well, at least Vanessa brought some boobies. Underage boobies. But boobies.

Clone-Tina

Awwww yeah! You see that thing right there on my crotch? That shit is gonna LIGHT UP! I mean, literally!!! A Heart is Gonna Light Up and Flash on My Vajayjay People! I AM AN INNOVATOR.

Lady Gaga called and told this bitch to stop stealing her f***ing look.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Movie Awards Edition

"Hot Damn!"

Aziz "Hostest With the Mostest" Ansari

Aziz Ansari killed it as host for me. I'm not sure if the whole "let's drop as many F*bombs as possible tonight to really f*** with the FCC" mantra that MTV had made just about everyone more hilarious than normal, but I was buying it. He literally had me in tears with his Taavon, swagga coach extraordinaire, character. Dying.

Anna "Nerds Rule" Kendrick

Favorite dress of the night.

And let's see here...Up in the Air. Twilight Saga. New Michael Cera movie. Am I missing any? This chick is allll over the place! And when she couldn't get any cuter, she accepted her award by saying she's "way too much of a nerd to be there." It's the Year of the Nerd, hun. Own it.


Cameron "Nice Gams" Diaz

PLEASE can I look like Cam when I grow up?!? She does "young" so effortlessly and tastefully. She never fails when she shows up to Nickelodeon or MTV Awards shows...she dresses fresh and fun yet still looks age-appropriate.

Sidebar: Tom Cruise got 803,404 times cooler for his Les Grossman portrayal. Dude can dance.

K.Stew

How did she slide into this little thing? K.Stew looked soooo tiny in this dress, but it fit like a glove in a good way for me. I'm not 100% on the tweed-like skirt material in June...but this is still a good look for her. Seriously. Because I'm sure she wanted to show up in jeans, ripped t-shirt and Chuck T's...

Now, just as long as she stops tossing around double thumbs up every 5 seconds, I'll be alright. Awwwkwaaard.....

Betty "Is The Bomb" White

Is there anyone cooler right now?

When I'm Betty's age, I'm totally going to crack jokes about my age all the time, too. Like when my daughter's dog jumps up on me I'll quip with, "Wow, my boobs haven't seen this much action since 2010..."

Elizabeth "Pretty Sure She's In That Movie Called Twilight, or Something..." Reaser

I know. Please pick your jaws up from the ground loyal Juice readers. I am DIGGING the jumpsuit. There. I said it. But let's be specific here...THIS PARTICULAR JUMPSUIT ONLY (see Lindsay Lohan).

It fits. It's flattering and slimming. It's sexy, but not slutty. It's got cool blazer lapels. It dips low in the back for more sex-factor. But the best yet: no cameltoe nor fupa-inducing material!!! Yes, I'm crazy about this look. Sue me.




T.I. (it's hard to do a quote in between two letters, sorry)

I enjoyed the tangerine-spring vibe here. I did. It made my mouth water. I just want to throw a blanket on the grass and have a picnic with him in this get-up.

Scar-Jo

So honestly, I think Scarlett played it a bit safe for the MTV Movie Awards. You know, this is where you get a little more slutty than usual or a little more edgy...or slutty AND edgy if you have huge balls...Either way, she did look absolutely beautiful as she is a breathtaking creature, you just know me and I wanted a little more boob.

That being said, her interesting factor jumped huge levels when she, at first, came out on stage to insult Sandra Bullock, but then, wait for it...came out on stage to make out with Sandra Bullock. Awesome.

p.s. I love Sandra's dress too, particularly that deep back. RAWR. Jesse who???

Russell "Don't Hate Me Because I Love It" Brand

I do. I'm loving all of this shiny, wrinkled, chest hair, coked-0ut rock star look. Judge me all you want. I can take it.

The Battle of the Hills:
Listen, everyone loves some friendly competition and let's be serious, none of these bitches really like each other anyway. It's ALL about competition between them. So let's get on with it.

Audrina Patridge

I would wear this outfit. But I don't love it on her. It just looks a little big and "potato sack-y" (see footnote) due to the fact that she's probably topping off at a whopping 91 lbs. but....whatevs. Shoes are fierce, though.

*The Book of Juice: potato sack-y. adjective. a dress looking like, or smelling like, a potato sack hanging loosely on one's body. see sacktastic.

Whitney Port

Whitney takes the prize here for me. I loooove yellow and this "bandage" thing she has going on here is totally Rock&Roll. Rhinestone booties are to-die-for and they don't distract from the look, either. Now, if she could touch up those roots, we might have a total winner winner chicken dinner here.


Jaden "Does Hollywood Have Any New Ideas Anymore?" Smith

T.I., I know you're pointing at that jacket and thinking, "damn, that's a fly jacket"...right?? Because I am thinking that. I want that jacket. I would rock the shit out of that thing.



Paris "Where Have You Been Hiding?" Hilton

It's good to see Paris break free from whatever nonsense it is that she's been doing lately. And as much as I want the celebs to take risks at the MTV Movie Awards, I'm really glad Paris didn't. Otherwise I'd be fugging her ass up on the "Oh, No You Didn't." When she actually dresses like a relatively normal person, she can be soooo pretty. I think she looks stunning here.

Unfortunately, I know in my heart that tomorrow she'll go right back to disappointing me with an all hot pink matching velour sweatsuit with rhinestone encrusted flamingos all over...or something like that.


Christopher Mintz Plasss....eh, screw it. It's McLovin.

It's the Year of the Nerd, people. Year of the Nerd. You heard it here first at The Juice. McLovin definitely cleans up nice, brought the goods. Yum.




Kid Cudi

Day and night I could look at this beautiful specimen. Whew. Love this style. LOVE. IT.



The "Best" of the Jersey Shore Cast

Looking as oompa loompa as ever, even in stature, Snooki took the prize from the rest of the Jersey chicks. In other words, she had the least tacky print on her dress (i.e. not sequined zebra, nor lace pink flower...) And, truthfully, removing the bump-it really makes her look semi-normal....

Moving on...Shit. Have I become so accustomed to Jersey Shore trashliciousness that I actually saw The Situation and thought "Hmm, he looks kinda good." I'm so f***ed. The world is coming to end as we know it.



Juiciest Couple of the Night: Ken Jeong and Ed Helms

Dying. Laughing.

Fugness of the Week

Is Yo Crotch Hungry Girl? Cuz It's Eating Yo Pants...

Um.....17 years old. 17. Years. Old.

That is all.

Side By Side

Brilliant, Gaga. Absolutely Brilliant.

Juiciest Pics of the Week - SATC in Tokyo

SJP-p-p-p-POW

Ok do we think that's all SJP's hair up there? Or some weave-action? Either way, I looooooove it.

Juice Sidebar: I taught myself how to braid when I was 5 years old on my Cabbage Patch doll's sweet yarn hair. From then on, I was what one might call "The Braid Master"...fishtailing, corn-rowing, french pigtailing...I mean, you name it. My fingers are masterful with braiding hair. Unfortunately, I can't do shit on my own mane. Sucks. Moral of the story though: If you want to look like Jada Pinkett in Set it Off, I'm your chick.

But I digress...

Her necklace is bangin'. Definitely sporting the trend of the spring\summer in accessories: heavy artillary.

But let's move on to the dress, shall we? I'm so undecided on this one. You all know how I feel about bad curtain \ couch motifs...but I'm kind of digging on the voluminous ruffles and cinched waist. It's kind of working for me. Now if only we can do something about those "witchstripper" shoes. (see footnote)

Footnote: That's right. New word for the Book of Juice: witchstripper. noun. 4-inch platform heels (or higher) that strippers are known to grind in with a witchy-toe complement.