The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Oscars Edition

"Hot Damn!"

Cameron "VA VA VA Voom" Diaz

GORG!!!! Dying over Diaz. This is red carpet done just the way I like it. Fabulous hair, incredible makeup, a jaw-dropping gown that probably costs more than 5 yachts owned by Jay-Z; packed full of Cristal, Gucci suits, Models, Caviar, Rare Spider Monkeys, Canary Diamonds rimming the 8 infinity pools, personal Helicopters adorned in Louis Vuitton leather seats......wait, uh, where was I? Oh yeah. This look is perfect drama.

Carey "I'll Cut You" Mulligan

OMG I want this dress. I will cut a bitch for this dress. Prada got all punk rock by beading with metal mini-knives, scissors and guns...Couture-Core? Let's call it that. Carey's platform ballerina shoes are to die for and, call me crazy, but I think the bleach pixie cut gives this "tomboy gown" a complete look. LOVE it.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It.

God, I Love Diane Kruger.

No apologies here, I am CRAZY about this dress. I don't know if it was an homage to Inglourious Basterds or to her roots, but she has this amazing 1950s Germany feel going on and I'm loving it. This woman literally can wear anything and look fabu. This dress proves that.

Sandra "America's New Sweetheart" Bullock

If you weren't in tears after Sandy's acceptance speech, you officially have no soul. Dressed like a true Oscar award, she was a vision in gold. What an absolutely stunning gown. And in keeping with this year's award show tradition, she had the best hair and makeup of the night. Earlier on the red carpet, she rocked the hot pink lip, but then switched it up to a brilliantly dramatic red for the show...whew. Absolutely Beautiful.

Elizabeth "Cha Cha" Banks

Honestly I just really want to hang out with Banks. Yeah, if we hung out, I'd call her Banks for sure. I love the color of this dress with her hair, it's not washing her out at all for me, it compliments nicely. The corset bodice is fun and funky and I would dance the calories off all night in that train. I would. I cut a mean rug, people.

Maggie GggggggORG

Yeah. I dig this. I don't care what you think. I want to take a dip in this blue lagoon watercolor gorgeousness. Her hot pink lip is killing it. Maggie took a risk and totally nailed it for me. Now, I just hope she ate a cheeseburger the next day, cuz she needs to eat like 10.

Meryl.

White Hot. Meryl is the shit. I want to be as cool, well-liked, awesome, hot, cougarrific, brilliant, awesome as Meryl when I'm her age. How can I make that happen? Like, do I have to sell my soul? Tell me. I need to know.

Gabourey "Bluuuuuuuue" Sidibe

With the quote of the night "If this dress were in a porn, it'd be the money shot"...how can I not Juice this bad boy up? A-mazing!!! She's looking so good, so confident, working the shit out of the red carpet and rocking the IT color of the night. Get it girl.

The Dude.

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation?

The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Miley "Thank God" Cyrus

And by "thank God" I mean thank God Miley dialed it in this year, hired a smart stylist and dressed like a star in training. She wasn't dressed like an 18 year old, but she wasn't dressed like a 30 year old cougar. It's fun. It's fresh. Her hair and makeup is fantastic and she's totally glowing. Although I guess that's the perk of being 18 years old...but I digress.

Nicole "Aquariussss, Aquariusssss" Richie

This one took me awhile but I'm loving it. It's not the most figure-flattering...I mean, it's pretty f***ing difficult to make Nicole Richie's 80 lb. frame body look "bigger," but I think because she's so tiny she's working this sequined vintage frock. The back is everything for me, too, super dramatic. Rawr!

Mo'nique "You Shave Your Legs Yet?" ______

Seriously, HOW do you go to bed at night with those Sasquatch legs rubbing on you??? Either way, Mo' looked fabooo head to, er, toe. The ruching was super flattering and a total stand-out gem of a color.

Tina "(Sigh) Finally..." Fey

Oh Snap! Someone finally hired a stylist!!!! It's seriously about time. Now, if only we could get her a hairstylist...

Baby steps. Baby steps.

Helen "Tits Magee" Mirren

Ugh, such a GILF.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: BOWTIES

There is a WHOLE lot of yumminess going on here. Oh and bowties. But a WHOLE lot of yumminess. xoxoxo

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Oscars Edition

"Oh Damn."

Charlize "Cinnabuns" Theron

Juiccccce...you're falling deeeeep into a trance...slowly, slowly, falling...that's right...keep staring directly at either my right or left breast...or both at the same time, even bettttttter...staring, staring...you can't take your eyes off of them...

Now when I count to 10, you will be in a state of Juice blog paralysis. You will NOT be able to fug on me, you will LOVE this dress. You will start spreading the word that circular rosebud breasts are the new "it" statement for Spring 2010. You will put me on your "Hot Damn!" list as #1. In fact, right now you should take a Sharpie and start drawing hypnotic spirals over your boobs. People will love you for it. I promise.

Molly "Cleopatra" Ringwald

I seriously did not know who this was at first. Like, literally took me 20 minutes to decipher. Yay for the Botox; she looks like she can still put lipstick on with her tits with the best of 'em, but the severe Cleopatra thing is not working for me at all. What is that spiral wall fixture attached to her waist? A curtain hook? Has Charlize gotten to her too??? Man, that bitch is good.



And The "Try Harder Next Time" Award Goes To...Robert Downey Jr.

Look, I know you're quirky. And adorable. And a brilliant actor. But seriously? The 1992 blue-tinted sunglasses and sneakers? So glad you took the time to match the shades with the bowtie. Great add. Gaw. I just hate when celebrities are "ironic" and try to look homeless or act like they don't care. Because we alllll know you do. You do care, Robert. You do.

Battle of the Bubble Wrap: Amanda Seyfried vs. J.Lo

Don't you just want to sit and pop them all day long??? Look, J.Lo even gave us an extra body's worth of it, too! So generous!!! I mean, with all that bubble wrap, she could ship some serious shit. I'm talking furniture...like a small chair or coffee table.

(Attention Lady Gaga - do NOT get any ideas here regarding bubble wrap...I just got a ridiculous mental picture)

Anna "Where'd She Go?" Kendrick

I'm getting this weird virgin\hippy\stripper vibe from Anna right now...let me explain...certain words come to mind.

The rose coloring: nude. nudity. naked.

The lace trim and flower: weed. pachouli.

The platform heels: vanilla lotion. body oil. glitter. crazybitch. shark lounge. @ryanleimbach.

UNJUICIEST TREND OF THE NIGHT: DRESSING TO THE NINE...TIES

Virginia "The 90s Called, They Want Their Hair Back" Madsen

Was SuperCuts hired to style tonight? Listen, I know I definitely rocked those bangs back in the day. But you'll never see them. I burnt all evidence. True story.

Mariah "Something's Missing..." Carey

Ughhh, the brooch. The gathering. The awkardly high slit. The off-the-shoulder cuffs. This is sooooo not fashion-forward according to the Book of Juice. Did someone time travel and kill a fly...I mean, where are the BOOBS???

Kathryn "Snooooooore" Bigelow

Ok. Huge props here. I sincerely hope Kathryn shoves that Oscar right up her cocky ex's ass...The Hurt Locker was THE SHIT.

Now, that all being said, I feel like I've seen this gown before. It may have been while leafing through the 1999 Sears catalogue "Homecoming Edition" while on the toilet the other day. What? So I collect old Sears catalogues. And read them on the toilet. So what?

She Got it From Her Mama...or Not.

I'm not so sure we'll ever know Mother Cyrus' true age. Her breasts are probably 5. Her nose 8. Actually, if we add up her entire body, she might be just what she wants...18. Oh hey, like mother like daughter! Noooo, there's no "living vicariously" here. She's straight doing it.

And I'm not so sure Miley should be cozying up so close to Mom...that spray tan orange rubs off pretty easily...and OH MY GOD! Charlize got to her too!!!! Look at the rosebud boob!!! HOLY S***

Fugliest Couple of the Night: Elisabetta and George

Hate me for saying this, but these two bored me to tears tonight. Sweet side comb-over, George.

Elisabetta looks like she ran into Cache at the last minute for this bad- boy. A wrap? Seriously? It's the Oscars in LA. It's not cold there. And to up my bitchiness to a level 9, I just can't get past that tribal barbed-wire tattoo. It's so....Pamela Anderson.

Kate "The Silver Oscar" Winslet

Ground Control to Major Tom....hellooooo couture astronaut. Sue me, but it's just way too polished for me. Like, "can't breathe, can't walk, can't turn your head too quickly or your perfectly coifed hair will move, can't show teeth, can't look to see who just slapped your ass" too polished.

I'm Sorry Zoe Saldana. But I HATED This.

Are those Pom Poms? Ruffled Kleenex? Furry Balls? I have A LOT of questions...I just want to swiffer my floors with that thing. I feel like it could really get after those "hard to reach" spots.

VeraAA A AA AAAAAH Farmiga

RA RA OOH LALAAAA....Holy Haus of Gaga Batman. How do you sit in this thing? Can you imagine if she had won? Thank God they typically do Best Supporting Actress early on...I can't imagine it; end of the show and she gets up, what does that coral reef look like??

Note from the Editor:

JUST LIKE LADY GAGA, I SECRETLY LOVE IT. xoxoxo