The Juice...according to Jackie - 2009 MTV VMA Awards Edition

"Oh, Damn."

OMGaga.

Honestly, I really can't decide which is my favorite.

Couple of thoughts:

- I was surprised by "the inspired by The Crow" costume #1 - since when does Gaga wear skirts, let alone floor-length skirts?

- Bloody Tampon costume #2 - thank you for bringing back the undies and ripped nylons.

- "inspired by The Cell" aka red lace costume #3 - I'm predicting this will be the most popular Halloween costume of the year. MARK MY WORDS.

- How sharp is that bush around her face? Because it looks sharp.

- Costume #5 looks like Joan Jetson was reincarnated and brought back to accept a VMA award.

- And finally, I want the doily headdress to be a big statement piece this fall. It looks like two ass-cheeks on top of her head. So chic.

The Asshole and his Accessory

What's the better accessory : Amber Rose looking like a walking snakeskin clutch or a bottle of Hennessey?

Amber Rose deserves a Fugging all to herself - I mean, really? A skin-tight, snakeskin BODYSUIT. And her necklace, earrings and bald ass head make her look even more like an alien than she normally does. But Kanye had to get tossed in here for remaining the reigning King of the Douche. Who hijacks a 17 yr old's acceptance speech? FAIL.

Jenny from Back in the Day

VELVET? I'm cringing.
None of this works. The gold velvet arms attached to a silk dress and then paired with full lace booties? WTF? I want to see fabrics working harmoniously together!! Not waging WWIII against each other.

The Hills Are Alive with Horrible Clothing

Good God. Just because Kristin Cavallari is back, doesn't mean the other MTV players need to give up.

I love Whitney Port and I typically love her fashion choices. But I'm not swooning over this dress. Her corset top is doing nothing for her ta-ta's...they're a little sag-tastic...and aren't corsets supposed to do the opposite of let you sag? Just asking.

And if she cut that see-through edge off, I'd buy it. It'd be a little short (possible crotch flash) but still, much better than that crap hanging off the end.

Lo Bosworth looks like she should be trying out for next season's Real Housewives of the OC. Talk about aging yourself with a dumpy, old-fashioned shift dress. And her makeup is a bit clownish, don't you think? Thus, again fitting right in with the overly-processed, overly-made up RHofOC. Meow.

Most Gratuitous Plugging

Really? Wow. Can't wait to run to the theater for this one...

"HOT Damn!"

"F*** You, Kanye"

Forget that Kanye jumped onstage and robbed this girl's glory of accepting her first VMA award...Taylor Swift looked AMAZING all night. Her red carpet gown was to die for, and when she turned around and showed that draped open back, the heat level rose like 10 notches. Her makeup is GORGEOUS, I'm loving the retro red lip on her, and I'm glad she pulled her hair back to give all attention to that stunning dress. Team Swift all the way.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: Paying Homage to the Moon Man Award

Let's call this the "Moon Man" look, shall we? I'm DYING over it.

Shiny, Glitter, Spikes, Insane Gladiator heels, Cleavage, Shiny....It's fun. It's fitting. It's the VMAs; you're allowed to show some pizzazz and go out on a limb. I want to fly to the moon with these chicks and party. Are Earth Girls Are Easy? Katy Perry gives a resounding YES.

Jacob.

If you haven't seen the New Moon trailer yet, I recommend a viewing. The movie looks great and, more importantly, you get a sneak peek at Taylor shirtless. I feel dirty saying this since he's like 17 yrs old, but I am a puma...And I need to replace my Jonas Brothers obsession with someone fresh. I think T.Laut is a good fit.

Beyonce: A Total Class Act

If I could find a picture of Beyonce in her performance outfit (a shinier version of her bodysuit from "Single Ladies" video) I would have put that up here. Because seriously, this chick is so hot. How the fuck do her boobs look like that - all perky, cleaved out and bouncy, while not falling out of a deep v neck while perculating on the dance floor for 20 minutes?

Case in point: her very cute red dress for the red carpet. Again, note the deep v. And the pushed up cleavage. What is the trick? Is the dress ridiculously tight? Is it glued to her skin? Does she have Super Boobs? I want to know, B. A lot of women out there want to know.

OH Shit! Someone Better Be Firing Their Stylist!!!

At least Shakira rocked some over-the-knee boots to give it a different look than Pink's. Personally I think Pink looks better here all in all, but it's apples to oranges. They're both hot, it's a cute dress.
Shakira will definitely be the first to fire her stylist, as she was quoted "my stylist told me it's a one of a kind..."

Whereas, Pink probably just took a few shots, walked over to Shakira and said, let's just take some twinzy pics, ok? Her brilliant quote was, "When you can buy it off the internet, this is what happens." I love it.

THE JUICE...according to Jackie 2009 - Teen Choice Awards Edition

"Oh, Damn."

Kristen "F*** with Me and I'll Sit On You" Stewart

No, seriously: how do you sit in that thing? I'm cringing at the thought of it! This is taking "edgy" to all extremes of the word and style, don't you think?

In all honesty, though, I kind of dig the sharp-edged skirt...it's really the top, shoes, and hair that I'm having a hard time swallowing. So it's the Teen Choice Awards and you gotta tone down a skirt with a white wife-beater tank you bought at Walmart in a pack of 3? Really? And the shoes do NOTHING for legs. NOTHING. Who really goes for the "cankle" look? So unflattering.

And I'm fairly certain that her hair was cut by Edward Scissorhands.

Shawn "Are Those Veins or Trees?" Johnson

Alright, I know she's as cute as a baby bunny in a field of daisies, but if Shawn's 15 minutes of fame extend to 30, girlfriend needs to hire a stylist ASAP. That dress is an epic fail. The one-sleeve is tragic, not to mention it BELLS out a'la 1992. And I haven't quite figured out the pattern yet...is she channeling her inner nervous system? It's summer! Those trees should have some flowers on it, dammit!

Robert "I'm Soooo Brooding" Pattinson

Hottest question of the night: Did he or didn't he wash his hair for this event? I'm going to go with the latter - that hair is coiffed too perfectly to have been freshly washed. You need that sixth day of grease to really get the right movement...

Kristen "Genie in a Bottle" Bell

Um....what?

Let me start by saying that JUMPERS ARE NOT SEXY. You can show me as much cleav\chest as you'd like, a one-piece jumpsuit is never going to turn a dude on. Top that off with a cropped, baggy leg and you're really never going to get laid in that. And don't give me the whole "it's comfortable" thing...because you can pull a dress on in one swoop just like you can pull a jumpsuit on...only a dress doesn't offer the opportunity for cameltoe.

Chace "Something's Off..." Crawford

I typically enjoy vests on guys - it's hot and casual. But is it just me or is there something a little off with this particular vest look? I can't decide if it's the double-collar action that's going on: collared shirt with collared vest...or if the collar on the vest is just tiny-looking??? I'm perplexed...

Britney "At Least She Looks Sane..." Spears

I know, I know. I'm supposed to say, "doesn't she look healthy and happy?" But I think she's been healthy and happy for long enough for me to fug her up on this one. The hair. Oh, the hair. Girl, your weave looks sooooo bad. Could she at least put a curling iron or flat iron or something to her hair so that it doesn't look like fried horse hair?

I'm waiting for the paparazzi to debut their "Britney crotch shots" getting in and out of a car at this red carpet...because there's no way she didn't flash vag in that short little number. So what'll it be? Do we think undies or no-undies???

The JoBlows

Yes, you've read this right my loyal Juice fans...I am putting my beloved Jonas Brothers on the "Oh, Damn" list. The khaki blazer on Nick is hideous and Joe must really be reeling from that break-up because the neon green\black blazer\necklace thing he's got going on is soooo New Jersey. "The Other Jonas" looks alright...for all (non-matching) blacks. Is this a sign of the times? Am I finally over the Jonai? Dun, dun, dun....stay tuned....for the next Juice....

"HOT Damn!"

Leighton "The Pin-Up" Meester

Ms. Meester looks soooo retro pin-up girl chic in her black, white and red ensemble. The cut and shape of her dress are fantastic on her body and the poppin' red heels are just the icing on the cake for me. Hotness. I want to take pictures of her. I want to draw her.

Emma "Goth-tastic" Roberts

I am COMPLETELY digging this goth-look from Emma. I'm so glad she pulled her hair back to show off that gorgeous neckline on her mini!!! Everything about this is edgy and sexy. (Kristen Stewart - take note here)...and strays from Emma's typical "squeaky-clean" Disney image.

Who's That Girl? Kim Kardashian!

Kim Kardashian debuted some new blonde locks at the Teen Choice Awards - and she looked SMOKIN' hot!!! With that golden tan and white dress, she could double for Malibu Barbie. Or one of Hef's new girlfriends.

Megan "Boneriffic" Fox

What's the Juice according to Jackie without Megan Fox?!? I 100% worship this chick. The Fox looks absolutely flawless in her form-flattering cocktail dress, complete with tasteful cleave and beach-sexy hair. But did I mention I'd kill for those shoes? Because I would.

Taylor "Yumlicious" Lautner

ATTENTION Chace Crawford,

THIS is how a vest should look.

xoxo,

Juice

Hottest Couple of the Night: Ashley Tisdale and some dude

Awww!!! Could these two look more smitten?!? <3>Ashley looks hot and whatshisname makes for a nice accessory, as well.

Let's just hope this is real love...not that "I really dig you right now, so I'm going to send you some nudie pics of me so that when we break up in two months you can post them on Twitter for everyone to see" love...

Miley "Dear God, I Hope There's Not a Front Angle to this Photo" Cyrus

Because someone may have gotten an eyeful of crotch....

You gotta love a 17 year old that really knows how to work a pole.

NEW TREND ALERT???

I think Joy Campia has stumbled onto something brilliant here. I can already see young, starving Hollywood coveting these crocheted "food-wear designs"...no more will the withering-away Lindsay Lohan's of the world have to "pretend eat" anymore! No more fake posing with a can of Coke and a McDonald's cheeseburger to prove that they do in fact intake calories! And for those of us looking to shed a few pounds - what's better than a constant reminder to put DOWN the donut...because guess what? There's already 10 hanging around your neck. GENIUS.

SIDE BY SIDE

Daisy de la Hoya vs. Janice the Muppet

Thoughts? I think they bare a striking resemblance...

FIRST LOOK

Um....yes, please!!! God, Jake Gyllenhaal is delicious. I will 100% go see this movie - even if it is Disney.

(thanks for the pic perez)

Taking It Back Old School...2005 Emmy's

Tess "Scissor Happy" Smith

In an effort to stay cool, Tess opted for a breezy one piece, complete with open panels for that rare summer breeze to cool down her simmering body...

The added details of the glued-on belly button jewels down to the clear, plastic stripper heels are wonderful compliments to, what I would consider, a homerun red carpet ensemble.

My only concern is that if she takes one step in this creation, the whole world might be able to see all of her girlybits. But something in me seems to think she won't mind at all.

Shout out to Ruhe for this one.

Fugness of the Week

Lindsay "Crack Kills" Lohan

What the shit? Lindsay Lohan looks a HOT MESS in Vegas this week, there celebrating her 23rd birthday. 23 people!!! I hope I don't look like this when I'm 33, seriously! Is it the over-done spray tan? Is it the 90s crack whore clothing? I mean, can we talk about the red thong sticking out of her white cut-offs??? One of THE worst trends of the 90s.

And the shirt...or is it a shirt? Half shirt, half dress, so help me if she thinks she's setting trends here she has SO much to learn.

Hotness of the Week

Mickey "Urban Cowboy" Rourke

If I walked past this delicious piece of man-meat smoking a butt outside, my knees would buckle in delight. Rawr, Mickey, Rawr.

FIRST LOOK

Your first look at character stills of Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland remake!!!

Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter

Anne Hathaway as The White Queen

Helena Bonham Carter as The Red Queen AKA The Queen of Hearts

I'm dying here!!! I loooooove everything Tim Burton. This movie looks like it's going to be freaktastic...in an amazing way.

Fugness of the Week

This one's for the boys...

Josh Hartnett

Take note: Manpris \ Capris on dudes will never be hot.

Josh is on a boat, though, maybe he had to wade through the waters to board... Even so, if that's the case, you pulled that shit up so as NOT to get wet, therefore what's the harm in pulling your pants back down? None I tell you. None.

He looks like a dork. There, I said it.

RANT-tastic

Let's talk LEGGINGS, shall we?

I'm a big fan. BIG fan of leggings.
Leggings can turn certain dresses into year-round dresses. Leggings are awesome when you bought a dress at Forever 21 and didn't try it on and you then realize it was made for someone 5 feet tall and you don't feel like flashing your ass to the world. Leggings are great for when you're traveling at 6am and you just want to wear that sack dress that makes you feel like you're still wearing pajamas, but you don't want your legs to freeze. Leggings are particularly great when you're feeling a little chubs and you pull those puppies up as high as they go control-top style...

THAT BEING SAID, a piece of me dies every time I see leggings with a shirt or dress that does not cover ass and crotch.

I do NOT want to see your cameltoe nor your cheeks exposed to the world. No one does! That's gross. And awkward. And it looks extremely uncomfortable. I'M uncomfortable looking at you.

The only time this is semi-acceptable is when you're working out and you're wearing "work out gear leggings" and your t-shirt shows a little booty and a little crotch. But those leggings are MADE for that...they're thick! And let's be honest, no one is looking at your sweaty outfit anyway when you're working out.

So ladies, next time you pull on your leggings, please make sure to pair with a shirt\dress long enough to cover your bits and pieces.


i feel better now, thanks.

Um....

Drew "Re-livin' the Good Times" Barrymore

Urban Outfitters was out late partying last night, ran into Drew on the streets and couldn't hold it in. Barfed ALL over her. Head to toe.

Fugness of the Week

Brenda "Cameltoe" Song

Is your crotch hungry, girl? Cuz it's eating your pants.

RANT-tastic

I don't know if this is a New England thing, but I've been noticing a ridiculous trend amongst twentysomething gals at work lately.

The choice of dress starts out ok, albeit boring: black trouser pants, slingback heel, appropriate work-attire blouse or shirt.
HOWEVER, "said shirt" becomes literally non-existent once these women enter their chilly office building, cooled to a low temperature of 58 degrees because, of course, studies show that people work smarter and faster when they're freezing their asses off...

Enter the Fleece Jacket.

It's a fashion killer. Picture the standard pale blue North Face fleece with 8,000 pockets and maybe even an old ski lift ticket hanging from the zipper...

I swear to God if I see another young decent-looking chick walking the halls in black pants, heels and a baby blue fleece I'm going to scream. These chicks could be completely fashion forward - they could be wearing a Gucci button-down with a big blingin' necklace and a scarf or vest or anything trendy for God's sake but yet they so easily sacrifice the "look" for "warmth and comfort" with a big, heinous, bulky, unmatching, plain jane FLEECE.
Bring a cute spring coat to work with you! Layer! Even a sweater that goes with the outfit is ok to throw on! Just PLEASE NOT THE FLEECE. Fleece's are ok when it's the middle of winter and there's snow on the ground. Not in May...even if said fleece is baby blue.
It's UGLY.



i feel better now, thanks.

Fugness of the Week

Erin Featherston

Sweet Jesus! Is Disco back? 

Ladies and gentlemen, this woman is a MODEL. And not just a model-model, a RUNWAY MODEL. It's pretty hard to make a 5'10", 125 lb. stick look "big"...so big props to these disco ball pants, because I can't stop staring at that large mid-section of shiny fabric. 

p.s. I bet my Mom rocked something like this back in the day. If you don't know, now you know: she was a disco diva.

Fugness of the Week

Heidi Montag

So apparently Heidi wants to pose for Playboy. Doesn't this seem like the perfect outfit to sport out and about while promoting this sort of thing? I mean, she looks like a 45 year old housemarm* on her way to Church. Well, outside of the black bra...maybe that's the "sexy tease" for Hef...hmmmmm

*is housemarm really a word? is it really such a thing? I'm not sure. Let's just go with it.

THE JUICE...according to Jackie - Academy of Country Music Awards 2009 Edition

Oh, Damn!

Carrot Top and whoa, whoa, whoa, A DATE!!??

First of all, why in God's name was Carrot Top at the Country Music Awards? The ONLY excuse I can think of is that he's performing his shitty gig in Vegas right now...and persuaded execs for tickets so long as he brought some decent arm candy (even if he paid for it)...and promised not to roid rage out on the red carpet.

Kellie Pickler

Who dressed you girl, Beyonce???

I am SO over the mermaid-train, serpent-scale, sasha-fierce gown. I'm beginning to truly despise any dress that elicits this response from me: "how in the hell does she walk\sit\breathe\sashay in that thing?" 

And I can't stop looking at the four boobs it's giving lil' Pickler....I mean, we've all heard the rumor that girlfriend went and bought herself some ta-ta's with that American Idol money...but dayum!

John Rich of Big and Rich

I don't know, guys...this is just a "scrolldown disaster" for me. See, we start off great with the vest, jacket and no tie - loving it. But as we scroll down, the faded, ripped, patched-knee, LIGHT DENIM jeans just makes me cringe. Too nice on top + too shitty on bottom = fashion disaster.

LeAnn Rimes

Big fan of the LBD. Not a big fan of anyone who actually wants to make their hips and ass look 5 sizes bigger...REALLY?

Emily West

Taking the Country Music Awards too literally : wearing ropes and\or snakes on your gown. Hoping to snag a cowboy, sweetie?

The Couple That Brought The Desperate: Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy

JLH: "Keep holding me tight Jamie. That's right, look me in the eyes and make me smile. I think they're buying it..."

Jamie: "Isn't it great that I wore white to match? We TOTALLY look like a couple now!"

JLH: "I know. It's so great. Although your white gym shoes? Um, not so great."

Jamie: "Don't forget to mention Ghost Whisperer at least 5 times tonight. It's in the contract."

JLH: "God, I'm sooooo in love."

Miranda Lambert

This does absolutely nothing for me. NOTHING. Miranda is this little hottie dating an even bigger hottie (whooo Blake Shelton!) and she wears this?! A knee-length bubble hem dress??? I mean, 16 year old high school chicks are wearing better dresses than this to Homecoming nowadays. F for effort.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban
I had to post this picture. It's brilliant in that, upon first glance, I totally thought Keith was cupping an alien's breast.

HOT Damn! 

Taylor Swift

Hellooooo RED! Little Miss Swift is stunning in a one-shoulder gown. Very adult, yet in a classy way. Not a Miley Cyrus way. She looks FEROSH.

Carrie Underwood

Rocking THE trend of the night (one shoulder) and absolutely killing it! Carrie looks like a goddess in this ethereal gown and her waist couldn't be tinier cinched with a perfectly matched belt.

Marissa Miller

I guess when you're a Victoria's Secret model it's appropriate to wear a gown that looks like lingerie...I mean, somebody literally just added a train. But she's pulling it off because, again, she's a freaking Victoria's Secret model.

Lady Antebellum

 Holy metrosexualness Batman! So, of course, I'm absolutely dying and loving every second. White skinnies, YES! LOVING. And the "Lady" of Lady Antebellum's dress color is fantastic.

Rascal Flatts

I'm totally having a Jonas Brothers moment...thank you Rascal Flatts for bringing the homo in the best way possible. Heart.