THE JUICE...according to Jackie - Academy of Country Music Awards 2009 Edition

Oh, Damn!

Carrot Top and whoa, whoa, whoa, A DATE!!??

First of all, why in God's name was Carrot Top at the Country Music Awards? The ONLY excuse I can think of is that he's performing his shitty gig in Vegas right now...and persuaded execs for tickets so long as he brought some decent arm candy (even if he paid for it)...and promised not to roid rage out on the red carpet.

Kellie Pickler

Who dressed you girl, Beyonce???

I am SO over the mermaid-train, serpent-scale, sasha-fierce gown. I'm beginning to truly despise any dress that elicits this response from me: "how in the hell does she walk\sit\breathe\sashay in that thing?" 

And I can't stop looking at the four boobs it's giving lil' Pickler....I mean, we've all heard the rumor that girlfriend went and bought herself some ta-ta's with that American Idol money...but dayum!

John Rich of Big and Rich

I don't know, guys...this is just a "scrolldown disaster" for me. See, we start off great with the vest, jacket and no tie - loving it. But as we scroll down, the faded, ripped, patched-knee, LIGHT DENIM jeans just makes me cringe. Too nice on top + too shitty on bottom = fashion disaster.

LeAnn Rimes

Big fan of the LBD. Not a big fan of anyone who actually wants to make their hips and ass look 5 sizes bigger...REALLY?

Emily West

Taking the Country Music Awards too literally : wearing ropes and\or snakes on your gown. Hoping to snag a cowboy, sweetie?

The Couple That Brought The Desperate: Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy

JLH: "Keep holding me tight Jamie. That's right, look me in the eyes and make me smile. I think they're buying it..."

Jamie: "Isn't it great that I wore white to match? We TOTALLY look like a couple now!"

JLH: "I know. It's so great. Although your white gym shoes? Um, not so great."

Jamie: "Don't forget to mention Ghost Whisperer at least 5 times tonight. It's in the contract."

JLH: "God, I'm sooooo in love."

Miranda Lambert

This does absolutely nothing for me. NOTHING. Miranda is this little hottie dating an even bigger hottie (whooo Blake Shelton!) and she wears this?! A knee-length bubble hem dress??? I mean, 16 year old high school chicks are wearing better dresses than this to Homecoming nowadays. F for effort.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban
I had to post this picture. It's brilliant in that, upon first glance, I totally thought Keith was cupping an alien's breast.

HOT Damn! 

Taylor Swift

Hellooooo RED! Little Miss Swift is stunning in a one-shoulder gown. Very adult, yet in a classy way. Not a Miley Cyrus way. She looks FEROSH.

Carrie Underwood

Rocking THE trend of the night (one shoulder) and absolutely killing it! Carrie looks like a goddess in this ethereal gown and her waist couldn't be tinier cinched with a perfectly matched belt.

Marissa Miller

I guess when you're a Victoria's Secret model it's appropriate to wear a gown that looks like lingerie...I mean, somebody literally just added a train. But she's pulling it off because, again, she's a freaking Victoria's Secret model.

Lady Antebellum

 Holy metrosexualness Batman! So, of course, I'm absolutely dying and loving every second. White skinnies, YES! LOVING. And the "Lady" of Lady Antebellum's dress color is fantastic.

Rascal Flatts

I'm totally having a Jonas Brothers moment...thank you Rascal Flatts for bringing the homo in the best way possible. Heart.