The Juice's Girl of the Month: Amber Heard

 I give you...Amber Heard. My newest celebcrush.

L.O.V.E.ing this 50s homage. In a gorgeous light pink form-fitter, dark lip and super cool mary jane heels, Amber looks eerily similar to one Ms. Scarlett Johansson (which is never a bad thing). It's a simple look here, but she nails it with flair.

Obviously that old rule of "you can't wear white after Labor Day" is out the door...and thank god because this dress is to die for. 
"Dear Santa....see above."
I'm obsessed with the asymmetrical shoulders, it gives the sheath shape a ton of pizzazz. And the metallic gold accessories compliment beautifully. 
Can we talk lipstick, too? This chick knows how to rock a red lip. Move over Gwen Stefani.

FIRE. PURE FIRE. Here we have an exquisite Elie Saab dress for the premier of The Rum Diary. I mean, when you're standing next to Johnny Depp on the red carpet, you gotta come with it and Amber delivered.

Ok, so she's not rocking her signature red lip, but she's wearing red reallllllly well elsewhere. 100% Flawless. 

Last but not least...in Salvatore Ferragamo. 
No words here. Just ogle.

Now you can wipe the drool from your mouths and thank me later. 

Diamonds on my...Lashes?

OH yeah. Bedazzled false eyelashes are happening, people! Happening for a whopping $1,350! These bad boys are 18-karat gold and diamond encrusted...brought to you by the creatively insane people at Kre-At Beauty and only sold upon special request at Barneys New York. Obviously.

I'm going to assume most of us at one point in time have rocked some fake lashes -- you know, Prom, a wedding, Halloween (dudes apply here, too) -- so most of us know that false eyelashes are a beeeeyotch to put on, keep on, and use again. So I can't even begin to imagine the anxiety one would have handling these things. I mean, I'm sweating as I write this. You have got to be one fabulously ridiculous person to make this purchase...so I'm sure we'll be seeing them on a Keeping Up With the Kardashians episode very soon...

2011 Elle's Women in Hollywood Awards

Oh Damn.

Donna "Gypsy Woman" Karan

Upon further inspection...and I'm talking like 15 minutes of staring at this photo...I've decided that the shiny circles are actually NOT a part of this "outfit," in fact they are a necklace. Does this make the look any better? Absofrickenlutely not. I mean, I know when you're a designer you're focused on your created looks more than your own...but Donna. Michael Kors can pull it together! Leggings, lady? 

Leggings...in October...with sandal heels. *shudders*

Chelsea "Are You There Stylist?" Handler

 Don't get me wrong. I Looooooooooove me some Chelsea Handler. I want to be her friend. I want to drink with her. I want to meet guys with her. I think we would have a lot of dirty drunk fun. So let's make this post a plea for my make-believe-best-friend to hire a stylist....who also happens to do hair. 

Jayma "Bluuuuuuuuu" Mays

Holy bad prom night satin mess, Batman! Normally ruching on the sides of a dress is deemed as a flattering move, but here we have the exact opposite effect...this little woman's dress just gave her "Christina Hendricks hips." 

Naomi "Gagalicious" Watts

 Is anyone else having flashbacks to Gaga's "condom outfit" worn on Good Morning America? No? 

Here, let me remind you:

Latex is the new black. Apparently.

Un-Juiciest Trend of the Night: Sacks*

 

Sheath dresses are quite possibly the most unflattering, unsexy cut of dresses ever created. Whoever decided that a boxy, sack of a shape could be worn on a woman's body was probably a dude. 

*i hope you all have a nice giggle over reading "sack." you're welcome.

As Seen In...

This delectable item is brought to you by none other than Forever 21, ladies and gentlemen. I literally stopped in my tracks while perusing the racks and racks and racks and racks of clothes the other day...and proceeded to laugh out loud. 
If you may recall a couple blog posts back, I fantasized of the day that the 90s were going to come back in a really big way...you know, like if cuff-rolling your jeans was cool again, or Hypercolor came back with color-changing pants (think about that one for a second -- amazing, right?), or tying your oversized t-shirt in a knot to the side of your hip was considered sexy...


...and I think we may be close. I mean, there are definitely some 90s-inspired looks that are hitting the runways today, but people. Here we have a VELVET BURNOUT FLOWER MAXI SKIRT. Oh? You didn't realize it was velvet burnout? Standby for a closer, albeit still crappy iPhone picture: 

It's so bad it's hilarious. I swear if I see a crop of high school chicks walking around in these things at the mall next weekend, I will lose it.

Fix Yo'Self Gurllll

I'd like to introduce you to Kamelflage aka "Camel Ammo." Created by Loren Weiner...seriously...and Treger Strasberg, the camel ammo acts as a panty protectant against your private parts. (Alliteration brought to you by The Juice, a-thank you) 

CamelAmmo.com describes the product as “a patent pending, small, flexible insert constructed of light, breathable, body and eco-friendly materials that is placed into the lining of your favorite undies to prevent frontal wedgies.”

God, this sounds uncomfortable. I hope there's some sort of adhesive to keep this thing from sliding around, even in the lining. Yeah, so we get rid of camel toes...but now we'll have an epidemic of women crotch-grabbers.

I, for one, am appalled that anyone would want to get rid of their camel toe. I mean, what would Coco think of all this? I'm fairly certain there's a fan page devoted solely to her frontal wedge.  

This is an outrage, people.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Emmy Awards

Oh, Damn.

Phoebe "You Got a Bird On Your Head" Price

Um. Yeah. This look is a catastrophic fail.

Eva "Ice Capades" LaRue

Eva is desperate to be on the next Skating with the Stars, obvy.

Little did you know, she's actually wearing ice skates instead of heels to prove her dedication.

Jayma "School Marm" Mays

The Ghost of 1962 has come to haunt the Emmys! This is why everyone wore red...little known fact that red thwarts off haunted television spirits. And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Juice Poll: Who's Got the Best Orange Glow?

Nancy O'Dell vs. Giuliana Rancic

Discuss amongst yourselves.

*Personally, I got Nancy by a level. Note the chest vs. face color difference. Always a tell-tale sign.

Juiciest Color of the Night: RED Notttt

Shiny red satin gowns make my skin crawl. Every wrinkle, crease, visible underwear line, bad Prom memory, Carrie spilt in blood thought, and the feeling of getting stabbed in the chest with a boutonniere is running through my brain right now. Please, please make it stop.

Lara "Yikes" Spencer

Anyone else feel like this dress is watching us right now?

Cory "Squeeze It In" Monteith

"Just keep sucking it in, Cory. Breathe. You can do this. Just a few more pictures and then you can unbutton."

Don't Hate Me Because I Hate It: Clare Danes

Yeah, sorry. Totally not feeling this dress. I know what you're thinking...."but it's blue, Juice. you love you some blue." I know. But I just can't here. It's so....tight. And...geometric. And....messy. It's like a bad 80s abstract painting that could possibly have a dead hooker and cocaine on it later tonight.

Un-Juiciest Couples of the Night:

Michael Pitt and Elvira...I mean, his "date"

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett

I would be legitimately nervous if I ran into Michael Pitt and this chick on the red carpet. I mean...they just look like they've cast spells on people before. Spells that make your hair fall out when you hit the swimming pool after school.

And I apologize to Will here, because he looks fine. But I just can't stop staring at Amy's latex condom dress. I want to be there for when she pulls that thing off. Big time.

Un-Juiciest Trend of the Night: Bad Hair

Like, really bad hair.

Charlie's "Angels?"

I give this show four episodes. These bitches already look like they hate each other.

Julianna Marguiles

You know, if there wasn't a bad disco ball \ chandelier thing going on with the bodice here, I'd definitely be ok with this. But alas, someone "shooozghed" when they shouldn't have.

Thanks for Trying: Gwyneth Paltrow

I am super into different and edgy. But I'm really struggling with seeing the most awkward part of someone's middle section. I also keep thinking this is that Michaele Salahi chick. You know, that Desperate Housewives of DC gal who party bombed Obama's dinner in an Indian sari and then went missing but was really just running off to bang the guitarist of Journey? Yeah. That chick.

Brooke Anderson. I Haven't a Clue What She's In Either.

But luckily there were some picked-over leftovers from Prom still available at Jessica McClintock.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Emmy Awards

Hot Damn!

Juiciest Color of the Night: RED Hotttt

In what was THE hottest color of the night, Lea Michele and Nina Dobrev absolutely killed it for me. Lea's strong-shouldered Marchesa was perfection and man I love a sexy deep back. Nina's dress was possibly sewn onto her body hours before the event, it fits that well. And I'm obsessed with her simple yet elegant necklace and clutch. Bravo ladies...because there's nothing shittier than showing up to the Emmy's and seeing, like, everyone in red along with you. And there were some mayjah fails. So kudos.

Cat "purrrrr" Deeley

Every time I see Cat Deeley I say her name in the most obnoxious British accent. And then I follow with "now let's meet your juuuudg-esssssss."

I'm really enjoying this dress though. It's not over-the-top, it's quite right, with that perfect amount of pop with the scattered sequining and frayed tulle bottom. The cut is sexy yet she manages to look comfortable. I fully dig it.

Amber "champagne kisses" Riley

This is the best I've ever seen Amber look on the red carpet, hands down. Uber-flattering, gorgeous detailing, pretty color, great hair. Thank you for hiring a stylist, sweetie. See? It really does pay off.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: Nerd-Tastic

Spectacles testicles wallet and watch! These are the hottest glasses I've ever seen on dudes. Or are they the hottest dudes in glasses I've ever seen? Let's go with the latter...

I'm 1000% swooning over the optical look. Maybe it's because I own the same thick framed black glasses, but whatever. Sue me. It's hot.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Maria Menounos

It almost pains me to highlight Maria on here, because typically she is an absolute ice capades train wreck on the red carpet. But I had to give props. This dress is FIRE. It's chic and super sexy. I love the sheen - it has an almost snakeskin appeal to it and I love me some snakeskin. Subtle done very, very well here.

Ms. Osbourne

I love when Kelly comes with it, because it's got to be a f-ing horrific feeling knowing you have to go to work the next day on Fashion Police and you were a tragic mess yourself.

Absolutely dying over this wine color and gorgeous shape. Not so sure about the bleach blonde hair looking purple-white like an 80 yr old dying her hair out of the box at home, but....I'll let it pass for now.

Kevin MmmmmmcHale

This is an impeccable three-piece tux. The short coat-tails? Amazeballs. Three snaps in a Z-formation with a twist for this look.

I'm Blue Ba Da Dee Ba Doo Dowwww

I loooooooooove blue, you guys. Like, seriously love the color blue. It is such an underrated color when it comes to formal dress attire, but when done properly it is like my favorite thing in the world. Remember January Jones in the blue cone boob dress? Yeah. It makes my heart sing. So let's talk my two favorite blue family dresses from the night. Katie's stunning cobalt sheath and Cobie Smulder's turqoise delight. Ugh they just pop in such a good way for me. I'm smiling as I type this.

Oh Wait! More Blue: Rico Rodriguez

I just want to eat him up.

Christina Hendricks

I think I've officially run out of witty comments regarding Ms. Hendrick's ample assets. So I'll just let her be the last image for your viewing pleasure. You're welcome.