The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Emmy's

Oh, DAMN.

Lena "Smoke Show?" Headey

Ooooh, ooooh, witchy woman... 

What you don't know is that Lena is about to drop a smoke bomb at her feet and disappear into thin air while cackling, "Game of Thrones will win next year, my pretties!!!" 

Try Harder Next Time:

Amanda Peet

 I have never been more bored looking at a beautiful actress on the red carpet than I am right now. I'm literally falling asleep as I typeeee thissss......

Try Even Harder Next Time:

Kristen Wiig

Kristen just got really stoned and realized she didn't have anything to wear. Ran out to the mall and grabbed this bad boy off the rack at Guess. Clearance. Boom. 

Battle of the Worst Hair:

Ashley Judd's Snooki Poof

Life could start and thrive within that poof on Ashley's head. There could be gnomes building cities as we speak. If that was done without a bump-it, I have the utmost respect for the hairstylist who created that thing. Is there a Guinness World Record for highest poof? Because Ashley may have it by a few inches here, for real. 

Julianne Hough's Helmet

And let's talk Julianne, shall we? Every awards season I continue to be befuddled as to why she's there...at least this time she got the dress right - stunning. But dammit that helmet head of pin curls is so unatrractive that even her boo Ryan commented he would have rather she wore her hair down. Honey, listen to your man. For obvious reasons. Obvious. Reasons.

Glenn Close Has Finally Disappointed Me

Almost always competing in The Juice's Battle of the Cougars, Glenn has let me down this year. This zigzag monstrosity looks like an actual cougar attacked her on the way in. 

Emilia "Ghost" Clarke

*Juice Nerd Alert: I'm a Game of Thrones fan. Ok, so I don't read the books, but yes, I watch the show and love every medieval fantastical moment. So here we have Daenerys Targaryen - typically bleach blonde, sometimes naked, and Mother to Dragons (can't you see why I love the show?)

So obviously I had to double-take as to who the hell this was at first...but more importantly, I double-took to see if the monster was going to crawl out of that slit. I feel like pure evil is locked away into that chamber of white.

Hayden "Prom Queen" Panettiere

For the record: I don't hate this. However, I really want to go Project Runway on this frock, take some scissors and cut that terrible blue prom sash off. Imagine without it...the dress would be beautiful! It's just far too much fabric. Tim Gunn would then say "Make it Work, Juice" and I'd melt a little. 

Jeremy "Cray" Davies

Dude MUST have been drunk at the barber. How else can you explain hair like that? He literally had missing patches on the sides.

NOT rocking the Juiciest Theme of the Night: Citrus

Julianne Moore

When my mom texts me with "your dad says Julianne Moore looks hideous" you really haven't nailed your red carpet look. 

Battle of the Cougars: 

Who Looks Worst Trying to Look Young?

Christine Baranski

 Oh, honey. I mean. I don't think I would wear an all sequin gold dress this short...ok yeah I would, who am I kidding? But seriously, where is her daughter at to say, "Mom....absolutely not. You'll embarrass me!" (and then runs off with the dress for herself)... 

Connie Britton

 "I'm here to seduce you Mr. Powers."

FEMBOT.

Edie Falco

 Is that Kaley Cuoco? 

 Dont' Hate Me Because I Hated It: Kerry Washington

Lots of chatter about Kerry Washington and the fashionista that she is and what she was going to show up in...so maybe that's why I was disappointed. Honestly, I thought the sequins looked cheap. And the cowl neck dated. And her hair a snooze-fest. But I'm sure she'll be on the best-dressed lists. So in any case, I'll just take another sip of wine.

 Lucy "Do The Hustle" Liu

 Break out the roller skates and ABBA, I want to put this chick on a string and hang her from my basement ceiling and get my 70s groove on. 

That, or I'd put her out on the battlefield...front lines. Nothing is getting through that armor. Nothing.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: 

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Do you think Nicole ever farted in front of Keith and they both laughed about it? Because I don't.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Emmy's

HOT DAMN! 

¡Viva Sofia Vergara!

I think we can all agree that Darryl Hannah was the hottest mermaid in the 80s, but Sofia has claimed the title for 2012. This underwater fantasy of a dress is absolute perfection on her. God smiled upon us when he created this woman. Although, if I were God (and don't we all want to be or think we are, sometimes?) I'd take a shot of Jamo and yell "I AM AWESOME!" for creating her.

Allison GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS Williams 

Sneak attack! We didn't see much of Allison on the E! Red Carpet, but don't worry, The Juice noticed. Hands down, this is my favorite look of the night.  The structure throughout the bodice, the emerald green against her gorgeous pale skin, I love I love I love. I would do dangerous things to own this dress...

Battle of the Boobs: 

Christina Hendricks vs. Kat Dennings

I never thought anyone could rival my beloved Christina's beyond beautiful and bountiful buxom...until my jaw dropped over Kat Dennings. And by jaw drop, I mean drool and stare obsessively. Let's be serious, if you've ever caught a second of "Two Broke Girls" (and you really only need a second before you want to stab your eyes out and change the channel), you'd notice those bad boys brutally tucked into a horrific mustard yellow waitress get-up. So let this be a lesson learned...let them free Kat. Let those boobs say hello to the world. 

Best Use of Divorce: Amy Poehler

I've said it before, I'll say it again: nothing does a body better than a Hollywood break-up or divorce. 

(See Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston...)

Those women all KILLED the red carpet post-big break-ups...and now Amy Poehler joins that sexy-ass crew. Work it, girl.

Bryan Cranston Breaking Hearts

Possibly in homage to his fellow nominated show, Bryan Cranston channeled his inner Don Draper and looked beyond classic and sexy in his (color of the night) navy suit with black piping. What I really want to know is whether he's wearing those infamous Hanes tightie whiteys, though...am I right??

Juiciest Theme of the Night: CITRUS DELICIOUSNESS

Kat Deeley

Claire Danes

Julie Bowen

Kaley Cuoco

Padma Lakshmi

I want to drink up the delicious sunshine in all of these beauties. Since it's already fall in Chicago, I felt like this was an awesome last cry for a summer extension...but it was 90 fricken degrees in LA, so the color pallette was perfect for the occasion. Everyone knows how much I love a pop of color (especially yellow) so you know that each one of these dresses made me very happy on the inside. Also, I really want a Mojito in one hand and a Miami Vice in the other right now. Don't judge.

Don't Hate Me Because I LOVE It: Elisabeth Moss

I'm 100% obsessed with this look. Maybe it's because her body is absolutely bangin' and the fit and cut of this dress is magic for her curves. Or maybe it's because so many people struggle with the high slit \ exposed shoes and wear the completely wrong style...and hers are perfection. Or maybe it's because I'm super obsessed with short, bleach blonde hair right now. Whatever it is...I'm swooning. 

#HEIDI'SLEG

Listen, Angie knew exactly what she was doing...

So let's get it trending, shall we? 

Juiciest Couples of the Night: 

Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Thomas

I adore the purple coordination. And Alec just looks sooooo happy. 

I mean, wouldn't you if your new bride was 24 and a yoga instructor??

Ellen and Portia de Rossi

Ellen rocked the navy suit better than any dude on the red carpet last night. And Portia de Rossi is just.so.hot. In the past, I've slayed women for rocking a pantsuit \ jumpsuit to awards shows, but this totally works for me. The nude, Chanel-like texture is simple and sexy. 

Leslie Mann and Judd Apatow

Looooooooved this dress on Leslie. Although I did tweet that the pearl beading on the bodice made my nipples hurt for her. What if a snag occurred? In fairness, I'm sure there's a nude lining under there, but let's still go with the imagery of a nipple snag on pearls. Sounds like a good porn concept, no?

Oh, and Judd cleans up nicely.

Loyalty: I Heart January Jones

I'm loyal to those I love. And as much as I despised January's strawberry blonde slicked hair and sloppy hooker makeup, her dress is fucking fabulous people. I mean. FAB.U.LOUS. It's exactly the couture crazy I expect her to bring every awards season. Let's just fire that hair and makeup person, though, shall we? 

Zooey Cinderelli Cinderelli

  But I wanna Emmy NOW!!

Isn't there something about a Cinderella ball gown that takes us back to 8 years old again...playing dress-up, having a tea party, pouting over that third cookie you really wanted and mom wouldn't let you have...?

If you don't know what I mean, just turn on TLC or Oxygen during the day and check out a wedding episode.