The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Emmy Awards

Hot Damn!

Juiciest Color of the Night: RED Hotttt

In what was THE hottest color of the night, Lea Michele and Nina Dobrev absolutely killed it for me. Lea's strong-shouldered Marchesa was perfection and man I love a sexy deep back. Nina's dress was possibly sewn onto her body hours before the event, it fits that well. And I'm obsessed with her simple yet elegant necklace and clutch. Bravo ladies...because there's nothing shittier than showing up to the Emmy's and seeing, like, everyone in red along with you. And there were some mayjah fails. So kudos.

Cat "purrrrr" Deeley

Every time I see Cat Deeley I say her name in the most obnoxious British accent. And then I follow with "now let's meet your juuuudg-esssssss."

I'm really enjoying this dress though. It's not over-the-top, it's quite right, with that perfect amount of pop with the scattered sequining and frayed tulle bottom. The cut is sexy yet she manages to look comfortable. I fully dig it.

Amber "champagne kisses" Riley

This is the best I've ever seen Amber look on the red carpet, hands down. Uber-flattering, gorgeous detailing, pretty color, great hair. Thank you for hiring a stylist, sweetie. See? It really does pay off.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: Nerd-Tastic

Spectacles testicles wallet and watch! These are the hottest glasses I've ever seen on dudes. Or are they the hottest dudes in glasses I've ever seen? Let's go with the latter...

I'm 1000% swooning over the optical look. Maybe it's because I own the same thick framed black glasses, but whatever. Sue me. It's hot.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Maria Menounos

It almost pains me to highlight Maria on here, because typically she is an absolute ice capades train wreck on the red carpet. But I had to give props. This dress is FIRE. It's chic and super sexy. I love the sheen - it has an almost snakeskin appeal to it and I love me some snakeskin. Subtle done very, very well here.

Ms. Osbourne

I love when Kelly comes with it, because it's got to be a f-ing horrific feeling knowing you have to go to work the next day on Fashion Police and you were a tragic mess yourself.

Absolutely dying over this wine color and gorgeous shape. Not so sure about the bleach blonde hair looking purple-white like an 80 yr old dying her hair out of the box at home, but....I'll let it pass for now.

Kevin MmmmmmcHale

This is an impeccable three-piece tux. The short coat-tails? Amazeballs. Three snaps in a Z-formation with a twist for this look.

I'm Blue Ba Da Dee Ba Doo Dowwww

I loooooooooove blue, you guys. Like, seriously love the color blue. It is such an underrated color when it comes to formal dress attire, but when done properly it is like my favorite thing in the world. Remember January Jones in the blue cone boob dress? Yeah. It makes my heart sing. So let's talk my two favorite blue family dresses from the night. Katie's stunning cobalt sheath and Cobie Smulder's turqoise delight. Ugh they just pop in such a good way for me. I'm smiling as I type this.

Oh Wait! More Blue: Rico Rodriguez

I just want to eat him up.

Christina Hendricks

I think I've officially run out of witty comments regarding Ms. Hendrick's ample assets. So I'll just let her be the last image for your viewing pleasure. You're welcome.

How You Livin'?

I wanted to be a Fly Girl when I grew up.

My parents and I would watch In Living Color every week, and every week my parents would have to convince me that the show probably wouldn't last long enough for me to be a Fly Girl...I'd have to assume some other dream in life.

Unfortunately, like all parents, they were right. As good as I thought the show was and that it'd stand the test of time, it was canceled too soon for me to throw on some spandex and have a legitimate shot.

Recently, in light of the fact that I'm never home and too cheap to pay for cable at the moment, I've been hitting the DVD player hard. Good thing I have a pretty killer collection...which, of course, includes season one of In Living Color. I still giggle at Homey the Clown and Fire Marshall Bill, and I still find myself desperately wanting to be a Fly Girl, getting my running man on to the smooth spinning of SW1.

More importantly, I now find myself laughing over the costumes these chicks wore. Do we think neon spandex shorts will ever be fashionable to wear out to the mall, a restaurant or club again? Or how about a bedazzled bra worn OVER a white t-shirt? Knee pads anyone? Oh wait, my favorite is the criss crossed suspenders in the front...not the back. 90s fashions still make me scratch my head...but I'm sure that American Apparel will find some inspiration in it's ridiculousness one day and all the hipsters will be rocking crushed velvet leotards with knee pads and shiny doc martens soon. And I'll be soooo happy I'll be too old to wear that shit again.

xoxo Juice

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 MTV Video Music Awards

Hot Damn!

Baby B

Beyonce alllwaaaays looks amazing, but she couldn't have hit it any harder with this bright punch of orange, beautifully showcasing her brand new baby bump. That kid is going to come out dressed in diamonds, burberry and gucci with a wallet full of 100's. Literally.

Demi "Look Who's All Grown Up" Lovato

My God. I had to check twice to make sure this was really Demi Lovato. Girlfriend is on fire! I love the metallic texture to this form-fitter and you know I always love a good show of appropriate boob.

Kelly "Beyonce Who?" Rowland

Again we have some excellent "appropriate boob show-age"...do you see a trend here? I enjoy sexy, people.

So, I'm absolutely loving this dress on Kelly. The mixed textures of the feathers, metallic and sheer are really working for me, paired with a simple peep-toe heel and matching clutch. She looks sleek and sophisticated. Exactly what 98% of the invited guests at the MTV VMAs chose not to do.

Katy "Don't Hate Me Because I Kind of Love It" Perry

Please note the "kind of"...I don't 100% love this. It's over-the-top and costume-y, but I'm really beginning to find Katy Perry whimsical in her dress choices. I want to get in her head. I want to know what inspired her to want to look like Memoirs of a Geisha under the cherry blossom tree meets hooker. It's got to be a fabulous place, that brain of hers. A crazy, fabulous place.

- Insert MTV tv show actress name here -

OBSESSED with the lip color. I want to see a lot of this for fall. I wish I had that skin coloring to rock it though. I'd look like a high-class 90s hooker or a goth chick, take your pick.

Jessie "Crutches" J

.....I know. She looks absolutely ridiculous. Let's start from the top, shall we? The severe haircut, a spraypaint\bedazzled tube leotard, bedazzled WHITE tights, bedazzled cast, bedazzled loafer, candy cane striped crutches...I honestly never thought I'd get sick of typing bedazzled in my entire life until this moment. It's such a good word.

But all in all, injured or not, this bitch came with it. She was like "I may have my foot in an ugly cast and have to walk with crutches, but I'm gonna bling." So good for you Jessie J. Good for you. *said through clenched teeth*

Snook-tastic

Outside of those "blonde" highlight extensions, Snooki cleaned up really nicely for this awards show. I think she's starting to realize people enjoy her for being her, not for being a sideshow act. Her body is looking bangin' too, so props to the dieting. I'm sure we'll be seeing her on the next installment of QuickTrim ads or some shit like that.

Kim K.

Marriage does a body good.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 MTV Video Music Awards

Oh, Damn.

Nicki "Japanime" Minaj

Nicki honey. We need to talk. This contraption (yes, contraption because it's far from an "outfit" or "clothes") looks like the claw game at the Arcade threw up its prizes onto Tokyo and then flew out to Mars. Is this supposed to be an attractive look against SARS? I guess on the plus side her hair is making me hungry for some cotton candy...

Deena "Rainbow Brizzzzight"

Yikes! Stripes! Fruit Stripe Gum!

Remember that gum, you guys? omg. Deena is exactly that packaging. See below and try to disagree with me.

Kreayshawn "Funland"

Walt Disney would be pissed if he saw this get-up. It's kind of fitting, though, as she kind of looks like a cartoon herself. I really want her next youtube video to be a tutorial on how to curl your bangs like that without burning your forehead. I'd definitely watch and take notes.

Miley "Wallpaper" Cyrus

Woof, Miley. I don't know if you've been eating a lot of cheeseburgers lately or that dress is just the absolute most unflattering dress I've ever seen. Cheetah melting into flowers melting into squiggly lines? Genius. Please, no one tell me this is like straight off the upcoming Gucci fall collection. Because I'd die.

The Jonas Brothers. Wait...No.

One of these things is not like the others...

One of these things just doesn't belong...

Can you tell which thing is not like the others...

By the time I finish my song?

*sesame street rules.

SSS&MMM

Jo-Jo got some junk in her trunk. Literally. She attached the garbage bags from out back onto her dress for a little oomph. Kind of dying to know if they flatten when she sits on them.

Kate Cruise

Do we think Katie let Suri dress her for this occasion?

"Ok honey, which shoes should Mommy wear?"

"Those!"

"My construction booties?"

"Uh-huh."

"Shit."

Manly Gaga

All I could think of during this performance was, my god is this an ode to Ralph Macchio in The Outsiders? I was just waiting for a "stay gold, ponyboy" line to be dropped.

Busted

Nice.....vest?

Britney "Don't worry honey, I wouldn't hold it against you" Spears

You know, I'm all for Brit's comeback...I bought the album, I dance to the tunes, I'm happy to see her in a stable relationship and taking care of her babies like a somewhat normal mother, and I'm happy she's brushing her extensions every now and then and laying off the Cheetos. But ever since the infamous shaved head, there's just something awkward about my ex-obsession. She looks like a thirteen year old girl posing here...not someone who's been doing red carpets for 18 years...right? Uncomfortable. I know she's got a jumper on and those can be uncomfortable if they ride a little into your ass, but I'm talking uncomfortable in her skin uncomfortable.

More importantly, I vomited when I saw those shoes.

???

Yeah I have no clue who this chick is. But can we slide those silver tassels up a little bit so they're hanging from her boobies? Because that would be much more entertaining for me.

The Beibs

Wait, I'm sorry. Is that a baby snake for an accessory?

WHAT.A.BADASS.

Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Seleiber

This looks like a really cute high school lesbian couple, just "giving chicks a try to see if they like it." Oh and we got the snake here too. So awesome. No joke, though, red skinnies and cheetah shoes are kind of my favorite combo right now, so I can't knock. I literally almost walked out of the apartment with the same outfit on the day after this show....got made fun of, then changed my shoes. And Selena was a scrolldown nightmare for me. What a gorgeous girl, and the lace was working for me at first. Then I scrolled down. And I saw....a cape.

Queen of the Night gurrrlfriend.