The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Golden Globes Edition

Oh, Damn.

Tilda "Swashbucklin'" Swinton

Yar matey! God this is an attractive woman. Does she do this on purpose? Is Tilda trying to be ironic, or whatever hipster term it is used to describe someone who actively tries to be unattractive to prove a point? No one in their right mind would wear a white collared button-up with a butter yellow silk skirt with that pale complexion, EVER, let alone to the freakin' Golden Globes. I'm angry people. Angry. If I were there, I would have escorted her crazy-ass back to her spaceship, or whatever it was she arrived in.

Helena Bonham Carter *sigh

You know, I think it's the mis-matched shoes that have really done it for me this time. Does anyone else think she was slightly inspired by Elaine from Seinfeld here?

Michelle "Flower Power FAIL" Williams

Let's get one thing straight: Daisies will NEVER be cool. I honestly don't think this dress would be cool even in the 70s. This pains me so much, as I normally love Michelle's pixie hair and mod looks...this is soooooo different for her. And there are DAISIES on what looks to be hemp material or, dare I say, linen? LINEN...ok I'm getting angry again...

Tina "F F F Fugly" Fey

Who did her hair, the Bride of Frankenstein? Ba dum ching!

God, and you all know how I feel about velvet. It makes my skin crawl...and not just when I rub it the wrong way.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Seal and Heidi

Um, wow Heidi. There is a lot to ingest here. *yes, ingest. I dabble in TV, it works the same as digest in my opinion...deal with it*

Between the fetus-shaped bow, the thigh-high slit, the 70s pattern and the stripper Louboutins, the whole thing is a disaster. Andy Warhol wouldn't even like this. And Seal...I love a man in all black, but lose the shades and the shoes and we'll be straight, ok?

Jennifer Love "Whatchu Got Hiding in There?" Hewitt

Listen, we all know her boobs are big, but come on. That's a lot of material and folds up top there. Anyone 5'5" and up that gets even remotely close to JLove in this dress could sneak a mayjah nip peek here. Scratch that. Entire boob peek.

WHO WORE IT BETTER?

I'm going with Helen, obviously.

Julianne "Eat Yer Spinach" Moore

That is one serious Popeye arm. How much spinach do you think she has to eat to fill that ridiculous piece of fabric? I'd say three cans, at least...

Hope "He-She" Davis

I've always loved a good half-man\half-woman costume. You know, suit and coattails, skinny mustache and half a top hat on one half of the body, ball gown and lipstick on the other...every time I look at this dress, that is exactly what I'm picturing.

Julianne "Age Yourself Much?" Hough

Question: Who invited you?

Answer: Ryan Seacrest. He thinks I'm pretty and that his family will really like me when I come home for Christmas. He keeps using the word "believable."

Kelly "Fashion Police?" Osborne

For someone on a "stylist panel," this is such a bad choice. Kelly looks like she's been sliced open with a really shitty dull butter knife...or by a surgeon on pills - take your pick.

Glee Chick

Sidebar Rant-tastic: I seriously don't understand this whole Glee fascination. They lipsync. Can this chick actually sing? I have no idea. So why do I want to root for her while she does that whole "Jessica Simpson big mouthed, over-expressive lip sync thing" ? I don't know. It's glee club - it should be live and kind of horrible and awkward and with more acne. Also, the writing is unbearable at times. I could guest write for this show...when I was 13.

Anyway.

What'shername looks like a giant pink creampuff. And not in a delicious way.

Leighton "Grandmama" Meester

Remember when Larry Johnson of the Charlotte Hornets -- god, isn't it insane that children today would probably go "Charlotte Hornets? Who are they?" ugh I'm getting old -- anywho, remember when Larry Johnson had his alter-ego Grandmama? Complete with wig, glasses and floral frock, he'd dunk all over your ass because she\he was wearing Converse React Juice shoes? Well, Leighton looks like she may have stumbled into an old wardrobe warehouse and found one of Grandmama's muu-muus.

Natalie "Who's the Daddy? No, really" Portman

At least she didn't wear white. And I mean that in the non-virginal way.

Halle "Catwoman 2" Berry

This is an unfinished catastrophe of a dress. Ridiculous.

Gabourey "Now that's a Muu-Muu" Sibide

Is that cheetah print with butterflies? I can't determine, but let's go with it. Cheetahs and butterflies DO NOT MIX. I repeat, cheetahs and butterflies do not mix. It's not like hippos and tiny birds, ok? Butterflies aren't landing and hanging out on cheetah backs.

Also, my bang-envy does not apply here.

X-Tina

This is some bride of Chucky shit if I've ever seen it.

Sidebar: If you're thinking, "Juice, what's with the underlining?" I'm thinking the exact same thing right now. I have no idea how to get rid of it and it's starting to piss me off. I thought blogspot.com was supposed to be user-friendly!? Don't they know I'm a technological idiot? This is worrisome. Maybe blogspot agrees in that X-Tina and Christian Bale have some really hideous outfits and they wanted to over-exaggerate it with some serious underlining....Oh well. 'Til next time.

Christian Bale

This better be for a role.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Golden Globes Edition

Hot Damn!

Angelina "Green with Envy" Jolie

Gorgeous color! And sporting what I found to be the most Juicetastic trend of the night: SEQUINS AND SHINE! Ms. Jolie-Pitt is flawless. Maybe this means she'll lose the all-black looks and insert some more color into her wardrobe? If there's anyone who doesn't need to look "slim" and can rock a big ass pattern or a bright ass color, it's her.

Anne "Like a Glove" Hathaway

Jaw-dropper. You know, with all-over glitter and sequins like we have here, there's always high potential for looking like a disco ball...but Anne's gown here is 1,000% breathtaking. The nude color and cut of the gown just drape over her body - it's sexy and sensual. I thoroughly enjoy that she kept everything else minimal and simple. Let that dress speak for itself honey, because it's yelling...and I'm loving every second of it.

Olivia "Hot Wicked Witch" Wilde

Marchesa never seems to disappoint on the red carpet. Olivia was one of the early arrivals and after I wiped the drool from my chin, I knew this was going to be a pretty special event. I'm not kidding, I would wear this as a wedding dress. No, seriously. I'm not really a "white" person...set aside your non-virginal remarks...this gown is an absolute showstopper.

Carrie "Simple Works" Underwood

Honestly, there's nothing overly amazing about this whole look, I just decided to include Carrie due to the fact that she usually gets 90% of her look right...and tonight we've hit the big one ladies and gents. She's in the Juicetastic trend of sequins and shine, it's flattering as hell, love the color on her, her hair and makeup are flawless, no gawdy jewelry - just a simple clutch...I'm all about it. Kudos!

January "Rawr" Jones

Ok, this may fall into the "Don't Hate Me Because I Love It" category...I realize I may stand alone here...but I am OBSESSED with this dress. Would I ever wear it? Absolutely not. Actually, I'm convinced that only January could pull this look off. But she's doing it marvelously.

Maybe I should have preficed that if I could live in another era it would be the Roaring 20s - thus, my obsession and fascination with this Flapper-esque gown. *Swoon* the hair, the makeup, the cut-outs, the fringe...all she needs is a feather in her headdress and she'll Charleston her ass all over the red carpet.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green

I mean, come on. They need to have babies, stat.

Mila "Emerald City" Kunis

At least she didn't wear black.

Johnny "Cleans Up Well" Depp

Johnny Depp is loved by everyone. I would go so far to say that no one in the world hates Johnny Depp. No one. Now, that being said, Johnny, in my opinion, takes advantage of this and typically dresses like a homeless person. "Eh, they'll still love me," he thinks to himself as he laces up his mud-stained boots. Therefore, at this moment in time, Johnny has graced us all with the sexified, put-together Johnny Depp that we'd all love anyway if he were in shorts and a t-shirt. Thank you.

Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt

I really do love that the Mad Men peeps really embrace their era. This couple is straight-up Old Hollywood for me, and you all know how much I love that. This is a killer suit, gentlemen. Absolutely killer.

*although I want to re-iron those pants

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Julie Bowen

I honestly have no reasons, just gutteral reaction. I love this dress.

Sandra "Bangtastic" Bullock

I love her bangs. I'm having major bang-envy as of late and am really thinking about biting the bullet again. I know, I'm sure I'll do it and immediately regret it and want them to grow out, but isn't that how the hair world works? We all want what we don't have. Deep Thoughts by Juice.

Amber "YESS" Riley

She's never looked better. And I love the glitz...

You know, writing this blog has really allowed me to explore the essence of "me" and my general likes and dislikes. I've come to realize many things in my three years of blog-dom...and one of those is this:

I'm a sucker for anything shiny.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 People's Choice Awards Edition

Hot Damn!

Minka "Derek Jeter's a Lucky Man" Kelly

I know I harp on the fact that an awards show should call for more glamour, but I'll give the People's Choice a pass...and Minka a major pass...because her outfit is simply perfect. It's utterly sexy and totally interesting. She is oozing everything good.

Taylor "Swingin' Single" Swift

I seem to recall a few years back giving Reese Witherspoon major props for showing up to the awards season shows looking as glamorous as possible post-Ryan Phillippe break-up...and Taylor seems to ironically follow in her footsteps post-Jake break-up. She looks absolutely stunning in her nude cocktail dress with matching nude Prada pumps (those which I covet). Now let's just have her write a song about ol' Jake and be done with it, shall we?

Zac "So Fresh and So Clean" Efron

Much like our adorable T. Swift, Zac is fresh off a break-up with Vanessa Whatshername. When chicks are sad over an ex, they wear sexy dresses and red lipstick...when dudes are sad over an ex, well...if you're Zac Efron...you wear a fabulous suit with fresh haircut. I think normal dudes would go out to a local bar and get hammered while watching favorite baseball team, but...Hollywood is not normal by any means.

Maggie Q

I am OBSESSED with this dress. Maybe it's the rocker girl with tattoos in me - but I love a rough yet sexy dress more than anything. Chick looks FIERCE. The feminine ruffles on the side panels soften the rocker body beautifully. Ok, before I stop rambling I need to use one more word in caps locks...I'm gonna go with: RAWR!

ECLIPSE

Juice the Body Expert says, "Look at the way Robert is looking at Kristen. He's obviously thanking her, but her gaze is staring intently on that hideous bomber jacket he decided to throw on. She's thinking "Taylor and I dialed it in. Like, really dialed it in. I know we were running late, but...you could have tried harder hon." Thus, Kristen's body is leaning towards the hotter, more sexified Taylor as they both look at Rob with pity. These two may be on the rocks, in my professional opinion."

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Katy Perry

I would be remiss if I dissed the love of my life Betsey Johnson. Her dresses hang in my closet like works of art. I cherish the times that the Jude and I shop her boutique for my birthday outfits. And it was Betsey that created this frock and it is uber-Betsey at her finest. I love her free spirit, her girly, rockabilly, whimsical and fantastical pieces. I am shocked that Katy hasn't employed Betsey as her own personal designer because she just speaks to the creativity that is Ms. Perry. I know you all went "What the F***?" when you saw this...but I went, "Ahhh, yes, Katy Perry. Yes." I adore it.

Selena "Where's the Biebs?" Gomez

This little thing is so adorable I want to just eat her up. Cute Cute Cute. Love Love Love.

The Juiciest Couple of the Night: NPH and David Burtka

This is the 2nd Juiciest Couple nod that goes to this glam-couple and I'm ready to give them more. These guys are gorgeous and always totally put together. Counting down til the Golden Globes for some tuxes...but this'll do for now. =)

The Kardashians

Well, America is obsessed with the Kardashians and so am I. I am an admitted Kardashian watcher. I can watch 10 hours of them in a day. Ask my dad. He was disgusted with me over Christmas break and the "reality television crap" that I watched. "What do you get out of this?" he asks. I reply, "I know what false eyelashes and heavy eyeliner will really do to a face. And a fake tan can really kick your body up a notch. And having high pitched voices, big boobs, butts and drama capture audiences worldwide. And now I know that dying your hair red when you're a true brunette is not a great choice."

Kaley "Penny" Cuoco

I LOVE the Big Bang Theory. Therefore, I love Kaley Cuoco. I feel like she's as fun in real life as she is in the show. We need to be friends. I can relate in that I secretly love nerds.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 People's Choice Awards Edition

Oh, Damn.

Aly and AJ!?!

AKA Amanda and Alyson Michalka

Does anyone else remember Aly and AJ's music? The girl duo was featured heavily in the WNBA season of 2006...just sayin'.

Anywho, these girls have taken their career paths in the opposite direction - acting - and they both star in the hit CW series "Hellcats." I use hit here with all the sarcasm my tongue can spew.

You know, Amanda (top) looks alright...although I'm not so sure a sewn in shrug is the "it" factor I'm looking for on the red carpet. Now, Alyson, on the other hand, reminds me of when Michelle Pfeiffer became Catwoman *the best Catwoman, in my opinion* and she starting sewing leather, and ripping, and stitching, and more ripping....I feel like this happened here. That is, only if Alyson were originally in a nun's habit and she decided to turn nighttime barmaid instead. And....scene.

Anisha "Please Hire a Stylist" Nagarajan

The Juice hasn't had a hire a stylist plea in awhile. Here, we have an extreme case of "lesser known actress gets to walk the blue carpet for the first time." Why not splurge a little? There are people for this, honey! Friends, even! How does she not have a friend in Hollywood that has some sense of style and won't tell her "you look greaaat" with every outfit tried on??? If I were Anisha's friend, I'd grab this frock and say "this really needs to be smoothed out with an iron" and then accidentally burn the shit out of it so we could go last minute shopping for something, anything better than this.

Diedrich "Molestache" Bader

Free Mustache Rides!!! This mug right here, even with that shit-eating grin, has won him a role on Criminal Minds next season. No question.

Cat "So you Think you Can Dress?" Deeley

This dress isn't completely horrible, it's just a couple inches short of being great. Why the awkward ankle length? I don't get it. It makes it so....witchy. Witchy Woman....

Ashley "Oompa" Tisdale

Girlfriend is ORANGE. This is such a bad spray tan that Ash has that "tan mustache" thing going on - dark in all the wrong areas of the face. I'm not even looking at her dress because she basically just blends into this thing.

Corey "Try a TAD Harder Next Time" Monteith

Great...

Hot...

Sexy...

Loving it...

NO NO NO NO!!!!

Scrolldown. Nightmare.

Pauley "No H8" Perrette

Love what she stands for. But I can still despise what she's wearing. Ghosts wearing white sheets are so cliche...now, a sheet cut at vagina-length is a little less the norm. Touche.

Raven "Just Not Raven" Symone

Black Swan gone soooooooooo wrong. Honey, who put you in this Big Bird dyed black monstrosity? You look healthy, like you've lost a couple of those kiddie pounds...why aren't you showing it off?? Such a shame.

On a positive note, your cleavage is delicious though.

Lisa "Broke-ade" Fedelstein

God I hate a good brocade couch fabric dress complete with summer sandal in January.

Miranda "White Tights or White Legs?" Cosgrove

I think it's funny when we can watch the progression of child actors become more and more bored with red \ blue carpet appearances...Miranda looks absolutely thrilled. She put in that extra effort into her outfit, hair and makeup, as well.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Taye Diggs and Kate Walsh

I may be a little harsh here, because these two are very beautiful people. But I feel like both just totally mailed it in. They look...wrinkled. And pretty sure Forever 21 is making a knockoff of that dress already so let's try for something a little more current for the Golden Globes, shall we Kate? That goes for you too, Taye. Black tux, please. Thanks. xoxo