2011 CMA Awards

Oh, Damn.

Laura Bell "Water for Elephants" Bundy

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages! Step right up to see a wondrous sight. Fantasized about and highly regarded by many. It's hidden from the public 99.9% of the time, but we're showcasing it to you tonight...

I give you...Ms. Laura Bell Bundy's CROTCH! 

*and...cue the carnival music*

Faith "Night of the Living Dead" Hill

Faith's hair died a little tonight. Electrocution by way of curling iron.

Erin Andrews...was invited?

 Well. She's definitely wearing exactly what I would have imagined her to wear...down to the nude strappy heels. I was expecting a little more "pageant" with her hair, though, so thanks for throwing me for a little loop, EA. I appreciate it.

Jane Dear Girls

 

Dear Jane Dear Girls,

You sing country music? This seems absurd to me. It appears as though your taste in music is more of the Marilyn Manson-kind. But hey, every music genre needs its outlaws. Anywho, next time you're invited to a red carpet event, please leave the cupcake skirt and fishnets at home. Girl on the right? You're ok. Lose the 13 yr old goth and we'll talk.

Love,

Juice

Kellie "Ooh Girl, What Happened to Your Face?" Pickler

When plastic surgery goes wrong. This doesn't even look like the sweet little redneck that I watched Simon Cowell hit on years ago on American Idol...

I mean, is it weight loss or a really bad face lift? We all know the boobs have been done, but isn't she like 23? God, Hollywood can be a mindf***

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Speaking of when surgery goes wrong...My goodness. Nicole looks like she could be an extra in The Walking Dead with very little time in the makeup chair necessary.

 LeAnn "Bones" Rimes

When your daily battle is fighting the gossip rags about whether or not you're anorexic, you probably shouldn't show up on the red carpet in a dress that's eating your frail body alive with ruffles. Just a thought. 
Sometimes baggy clothes that you think are covering you up, really just showcase the problem. 

*See Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

And The "Try Harder Next Time" Award Goes To: Natasha Bedingfield

 I kind of want to hand her some papers for filing, slap her on the ass and tell her she's doing a great job. Oh, and can I get a coffee? Milk, little sugar. Thanks.

(We're still meeting in the copy machine room in 20, right? Ok, good.)

 Reba "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" McIntire

 Loyal Juice readers know my hatred for all things velvet. So needless to say, this dress is making my skin crawl and nipples hard in a bad way. We got a decent Christmas dress on our hands right now, but Reba...come on. 

Santa-Juice

Every year I always end up buying myself a Christmas present. Why? Because no one knows exactly what I want more than me. And sometimes what I want costs more than what I'd feel comfortable asking Santa for...

So say hello to what I will be gifting myself come December. I give you: Prada's "Minimal Baroque Sunglasses Collection." These.Are.Absolutely.Phenomenal.

YIKES.

No, this is not the model for a new roller coaster, even though it does look like an amazing ride.

Sarah Jessica Parker seriously wore this Philip Treacy fascinator to a press junket in Australia. Fascinator. Do you think they call them fascinators because they're so fascinatingly ridiculous? 

*ba dum ching* 

I really want to climb on top of that thing and slide down it. Badly.

But seriously, how do you get around like that? She must have had to duck all over the place. I mean, I wore a princess tiara for Halloween and kept walking it into things, I can't even begin to imagine this bad boy on my dome. I gotta hand it to SJP for always bringing a little crazy to the party, though.

Bloggers Don't Shake Hands, Bloggers Gotta Hug

Check out this fun style blog that just so happened to feature yours truly!!! 

http://seriousstyle.tumblr.com/

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...HALLOWEEN

Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday of the year. There's so much whimsy in dressing up in costume...to be someone other than yourself for the night - be it funny, slutty, scary. I just love the fantasy in it all. 

It's also an amazing excuse for girls to dress like whores and guys to dress in drag and have everyone be ok with it. 

Thus, I give you some celeb Halloween costumes to peruse for your October 31st enjoyment today!

Laziest Costume of the Year: Lea Michele "The Swan Queen\Black Swan"

 No joke, the party I was at on Friday had 5 - yes 5 - Black Swans...and 1 Swan Queen. 

I don't know about you guys, but my anxiety around Halloween only comes from the thought of "crap, what if someone else shows up in the same costume? Will mine be better? I can't half-ass this." Lea Michele did an ok job here -- she actually kind of looks like Natalie Portman from a glance even. But, my God, I saw some really lazy Black Swans. Like, threw on some black flats, black tights, black skirt (not even a tutu), black top, tiara and some black eye makeup. And that upsets me.

Paris Hilton: "She-Ra"

 You know, just recently I was thinking to myself, "where is Paris Hilton? is she still alive? she has been undercover for an unusually long amount of time..." Yes, I actually think these things. Stop judging. 

Now about the costume: I love me some She-Ra Princess of Power. 80s throwback costumes always have my vote. 

Kim Kardashian: "Poison Ivy"

 Dear Kim, 

I am truly sorry about the whole divorce thing right now. Maybe you'll learn your lesson and get married for under $5,000 next time on a beach with your family and closest friends invited, no TV cameras. But I feel for you...everyone wants to find true love. If you need someone to get drunk with, give me a call.

Love, Juice

Sidebar: I was totally Poison Ivy for Halloween once. Evidence:

Yeah ok so not as elaborate as Kim's but, in my defense, 99% of my time that year was spent painting blue body latex onto my roommate. Seriously. She was Mystique from X-Men. 

Truth:

Ice T and Coco - "Hannibal Lector" and um....I got nothing.

The only thing wrong with this picture is I can't see all of Coco's ass. Or her camel toe.

Bethenny Frankel: Hello Kitty Club Kid?

 Does Bethenny have a secret love affair with Hello Kitty as much as I do?? Because I'm seriously obsessed. Looking at her in a whole new way now.

The Most Elaborate Costume of the Year: Heidi Klum "The Body Exhibit" 

Please see "dedication" in the dictionary. 

Particularly because she still rocked 5 inch heels in this thing.

The Juice's Girl of the Month: Amber Heard

 I give you...Amber Heard. My newest celebcrush.

L.O.V.E.ing this 50s homage. In a gorgeous light pink form-fitter, dark lip and super cool mary jane heels, Amber looks eerily similar to one Ms. Scarlett Johansson (which is never a bad thing). It's a simple look here, but she nails it with flair.

Obviously that old rule of "you can't wear white after Labor Day" is out the door...and thank god because this dress is to die for. 
"Dear Santa....see above."
I'm obsessed with the asymmetrical shoulders, it gives the sheath shape a ton of pizzazz. And the metallic gold accessories compliment beautifully. 
Can we talk lipstick, too? This chick knows how to rock a red lip. Move over Gwen Stefani.

FIRE. PURE FIRE. Here we have an exquisite Elie Saab dress for the premier of The Rum Diary. I mean, when you're standing next to Johnny Depp on the red carpet, you gotta come with it and Amber delivered.

Ok, so she's not rocking her signature red lip, but she's wearing red reallllllly well elsewhere. 100% Flawless. 

Last but not least...in Salvatore Ferragamo. 
No words here. Just ogle.

Now you can wipe the drool from your mouths and thank me later. 

Diamonds on my...Lashes?

OH yeah. Bedazzled false eyelashes are happening, people! Happening for a whopping $1,350! These bad boys are 18-karat gold and diamond encrusted...brought to you by the creatively insane people at Kre-At Beauty and only sold upon special request at Barneys New York. Obviously.

I'm going to assume most of us at one point in time have rocked some fake lashes -- you know, Prom, a wedding, Halloween (dudes apply here, too) -- so most of us know that false eyelashes are a beeeeyotch to put on, keep on, and use again. So I can't even begin to imagine the anxiety one would have handling these things. I mean, I'm sweating as I write this. You have got to be one fabulously ridiculous person to make this purchase...so I'm sure we'll be seeing them on a Keeping Up With the Kardashians episode very soon...

2011 Elle's Women in Hollywood Awards

Oh Damn.

Donna "Gypsy Woman" Karan

Upon further inspection...and I'm talking like 15 minutes of staring at this photo...I've decided that the shiny circles are actually NOT a part of this "outfit," in fact they are a necklace. Does this make the look any better? Absofrickenlutely not. I mean, I know when you're a designer you're focused on your created looks more than your own...but Donna. Michael Kors can pull it together! Leggings, lady? 

Leggings...in October...with sandal heels. *shudders*

Chelsea "Are You There Stylist?" Handler

 Don't get me wrong. I Looooooooooove me some Chelsea Handler. I want to be her friend. I want to drink with her. I want to meet guys with her. I think we would have a lot of dirty drunk fun. So let's make this post a plea for my make-believe-best-friend to hire a stylist....who also happens to do hair. 

Jayma "Bluuuuuuuuu" Mays

Holy bad prom night satin mess, Batman! Normally ruching on the sides of a dress is deemed as a flattering move, but here we have the exact opposite effect...this little woman's dress just gave her "Christina Hendricks hips." 

Naomi "Gagalicious" Watts

 Is anyone else having flashbacks to Gaga's "condom outfit" worn on Good Morning America? No? 

Here, let me remind you:

Latex is the new black. Apparently.

Un-Juiciest Trend of the Night: Sacks*

 

Sheath dresses are quite possibly the most unflattering, unsexy cut of dresses ever created. Whoever decided that a boxy, sack of a shape could be worn on a woman's body was probably a dude. 

*i hope you all have a nice giggle over reading "sack." you're welcome.

As Seen In...

This delectable item is brought to you by none other than Forever 21, ladies and gentlemen. I literally stopped in my tracks while perusing the racks and racks and racks and racks of clothes the other day...and proceeded to laugh out loud. 
If you may recall a couple blog posts back, I fantasized of the day that the 90s were going to come back in a really big way...you know, like if cuff-rolling your jeans was cool again, or Hypercolor came back with color-changing pants (think about that one for a second -- amazing, right?), or tying your oversized t-shirt in a knot to the side of your hip was considered sexy...


...and I think we may be close. I mean, there are definitely some 90s-inspired looks that are hitting the runways today, but people. Here we have a VELVET BURNOUT FLOWER MAXI SKIRT. Oh? You didn't realize it was velvet burnout? Standby for a closer, albeit still crappy iPhone picture: 

It's so bad it's hilarious. I swear if I see a crop of high school chicks walking around in these things at the mall next weekend, I will lose it.

Fix Yo'Self Gurllll

I'd like to introduce you to Kamelflage aka "Camel Ammo." Created by Loren Weiner...seriously...and Treger Strasberg, the camel ammo acts as a panty protectant against your private parts. (Alliteration brought to you by The Juice, a-thank you) 

CamelAmmo.com describes the product as “a patent pending, small, flexible insert constructed of light, breathable, body and eco-friendly materials that is placed into the lining of your favorite undies to prevent frontal wedgies.”

God, this sounds uncomfortable. I hope there's some sort of adhesive to keep this thing from sliding around, even in the lining. Yeah, so we get rid of camel toes...but now we'll have an epidemic of women crotch-grabbers.

I, for one, am appalled that anyone would want to get rid of their camel toe. I mean, what would Coco think of all this? I'm fairly certain there's a fan page devoted solely to her frontal wedge.  

This is an outrage, people.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Emmy Awards

Oh, Damn.

Phoebe "You Got a Bird On Your Head" Price

Um. Yeah. This look is a catastrophic fail.

Eva "Ice Capades" LaRue

Eva is desperate to be on the next Skating with the Stars, obvy.

Little did you know, she's actually wearing ice skates instead of heels to prove her dedication.

Jayma "School Marm" Mays

The Ghost of 1962 has come to haunt the Emmys! This is why everyone wore red...little known fact that red thwarts off haunted television spirits. And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Juice Poll: Who's Got the Best Orange Glow?

Nancy O'Dell vs. Giuliana Rancic

Discuss amongst yourselves.

*Personally, I got Nancy by a level. Note the chest vs. face color difference. Always a tell-tale sign.

Juiciest Color of the Night: RED Notttt

Shiny red satin gowns make my skin crawl. Every wrinkle, crease, visible underwear line, bad Prom memory, Carrie spilt in blood thought, and the feeling of getting stabbed in the chest with a boutonniere is running through my brain right now. Please, please make it stop.

Lara "Yikes" Spencer

Anyone else feel like this dress is watching us right now?

Cory "Squeeze It In" Monteith

"Just keep sucking it in, Cory. Breathe. You can do this. Just a few more pictures and then you can unbutton."

Don't Hate Me Because I Hate It: Clare Danes

Yeah, sorry. Totally not feeling this dress. I know what you're thinking...."but it's blue, Juice. you love you some blue." I know. But I just can't here. It's so....tight. And...geometric. And....messy. It's like a bad 80s abstract painting that could possibly have a dead hooker and cocaine on it later tonight.

Un-Juiciest Couples of the Night:

Michael Pitt and Elvira...I mean, his "date"

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett

I would be legitimately nervous if I ran into Michael Pitt and this chick on the red carpet. I mean...they just look like they've cast spells on people before. Spells that make your hair fall out when you hit the swimming pool after school.

And I apologize to Will here, because he looks fine. But I just can't stop staring at Amy's latex condom dress. I want to be there for when she pulls that thing off. Big time.

Un-Juiciest Trend of the Night: Bad Hair

Like, really bad hair.

Charlie's "Angels?"

I give this show four episodes. These bitches already look like they hate each other.

Julianna Marguiles

You know, if there wasn't a bad disco ball \ chandelier thing going on with the bodice here, I'd definitely be ok with this. But alas, someone "shooozghed" when they shouldn't have.

Thanks for Trying: Gwyneth Paltrow

I am super into different and edgy. But I'm really struggling with seeing the most awkward part of someone's middle section. I also keep thinking this is that Michaele Salahi chick. You know, that Desperate Housewives of DC gal who party bombed Obama's dinner in an Indian sari and then went missing but was really just running off to bang the guitarist of Journey? Yeah. That chick.

Brooke Anderson. I Haven't a Clue What She's In Either.

But luckily there were some picked-over leftovers from Prom still available at Jessica McClintock.