The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Emmys Edition

"Hot Damn!"

January "I'm Blue Ba Da Dee Ba Da Da Daaa" Jones

I am 1,000% INSANE over this dress. OB-SESSED. Clearly I stand alone in this love, since it seems NBC's Billy Bush and Laura Whatshername called it a "miss"...whatever...the fact that those two are even allowed to critique is in and of itself ludicrous...but I'm standing proud dammit. This dress is sheer genius. In a snoozetastic red carpet filled with black and navy, this blue literally knocked my socks off and I praised the fashion Gods. Thank you, January, for taking a risk.

And by the way, these are not "cone boobs," as everyone is calling them.

THESE are.

Claire "I Obviously Need to Watch Temple Grandin" Danes


Ah, far from the days of Angela Chase on "My So Called Life," aren't we? Claire Danes is an absolute smokeshow. This was my second fave look\dress of the night. I don't know many bodies that would fit into this Armani Prive creation; and this bad-boy fit exquisitely. Thus, Claire gets my "please eat a cheeseburger" plea, but I'll give her a pass this time.

p.s. Jewel, take note, this color is heavenly on you blondes...less frill, more sex. Thank you.





Jennifer's Body

STUNNING. "Please eat a cheeseburger." But STUNNING. Sleek, sophisticated, smashing, um, I've run out of "S's"...





Ryan "FangBanger" Kwanten

Absolutely dying over this True Blood hottie and any excuse to say or write the word FangBanger makes me all tingly inside. Anywho, I am looooving the subtle plaid in this tux. Very Tom Ford. And I love a gentleman risk-taker as much as any lady out there.

Heidi "50-50" Klum

Here we have a case of "Juice took a closer look and, upon further inspection, really digs this." I still don't love the necklace - I think it makes the whole look a little too busy - but Heidi is just exuding sexy fun. I can see Cameron Diaz in a very similar get-up.

In related news, how is she unsperminated right now? Hasn't it been, like, 3 months since her last child? This is unlike Seal. I'm worried.

Heather "She's in Glee" Morris

Yes, even I have to imdb.com sometimes. I mean, shit, I even watch Glee and did not recognize her as Brittany the cheerleader. This is old Hollywood glamour at its best. Blonde finger waves, red lip, shining gold. Excellent touch with a skinny black cinch of the waist.

Kyra "Gets Better with Age" Sedgwick

Who here would kill for Kyra's beauty secret to looking hotter as she gets older? Phenomenal. Maybe Kevin Bacon is really great in the sack and they have a wonderful sex life that keeps them both feeling 20 again. God bless you Viagra.

Juiciest Same Sex Couple of the Night: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burka

I'm convinced most of Hollywood is unaware of the phrase "outkicked my coverage with my girlfriend\boyfriend"...they don't need to. They're beautiful. And this couple above proves it. NPH in the grey tux and black lapel did it just right for me.

Lea "She's in Glee, too, but you Probably Knew That Already" Michelle

Sporting an Oscar de la Renta creation, Lea looked much better than, but very similar to, her 2010 Golden Globes catastrophe. Apparently she digs black. And goth. But here's where she edited perfectly: her hair is soft...not severe. And her mermaid silhouette is far less massive than the web seen below. Kudos for learning from your mistakes, sweetheart. xoxo

circa 2010 Golden Globes

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Lauren Graham

I sweat this. Big time. Heart the abstract. In a world where black and white has been done time and time again, I think this is creative. And, most importantly, I would rock the shit out of this.

*Editor's note: I would, however, change the shoes.

Christina "Flotation Devices" Hendricks

I know I always mention Christina's luscious melons but....how can you NOT? My God, look at those things. They're beautiful. And you know who isn't beautiful? Her goofy boyfriend, Geoffrey Arend, better known as the guy in Super Troopers who, while licking the inside of a police car, said "the snozzberries taste like snozzberries"...but guess what? This guy is well aware of the "outkicked my coverage" phrase. I mean, he knew that Christina was wearing Zac Posen, without a hitch. That, my friends, is true love.

Sookie

(said with Bill Compton accent and fervor)

and Stephen Moyer, TIE for Juiciest Straight Couple of the Night

Call me nuts but I died over Anna's Alexander McQueen gown. It's like a nod to the fierce gladiator. Not fierce like battle fierce - I mean, like, fashionista, homolicious fierce. I love it. And I will defend it to the death.

And what more is there to say about the chemistry between these two? Swooooon.

Nolan Gould

Not even worth imdb-ing...no clue who this kid is, but damn his parents didn't fart around with the Emmys. Kudos.

Amber "Goddess" Riley

Amber did this Grecian frock just right and, might I add, was one of the few people I saw sporting white...and I looove a good white-hot gown on the red carpet. Oh, and thank you for not going over-board with the whole "flowing train" thing... *ahem, Kim Kardashian, ahem*

Mark "He's in Glee" Salling

I would totally key this dude's car if he broke up with me, too. Look at him. The guy looks good ladies and gents.

Battle of the Cougars: Betty White vs. Glenn Close vs. Edie Falco

It's a pretty close race, but Betty White is on top of the f****ing world right now, let's be serious.

Juiciest MILF of the Night: Amy Poehler

She just had a baby 3 WEEKS AGO people!!! Talk about hustling back into the gym. She looks positively breathtaking in baby blue.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe

Just look. And don't forget to wipe the drool from your face.

Can you believe these two have a child together? It's like God got bored and decided He'd create the ultimate beautiful super human.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Emmy's Edition

"Oh Damn."

Mindy "The Corpse Bride" Kaling

Wow. Helena Bonham Carter should NEVER be considered a fashion muse, and unfortunately it looks like Mindy took a page right out of her evil diary. Absolutely nothing about this look is attractive. She could single-handedly win every Emmy and manage to NOT get laid at the after-parties.

Toni "Paint By Numbers" Collette

How did Bob Ross get his hands on this dress? It looks like he sparked a doobie and started painting one of his infamous "happy trees" landscapes...but then got lazy and opted for mud instead.

This is what my wall would look like if I attempted the sponge technique of painting.

Giuliana "Cache, Sashay, Shante, Shante, Shante" Rancic
Giuliana tweeted earlier in the day that she was going for a "new, more fresh" look for the Emmys. Well. Hmm. Let's see here.

Orange glow tan. Check.

Slicked back, greased, extension-happy ponytail. Check.

Shimmer metallic pink rayon dress, complete with over the top jeweled neckline. Check.

So...is "Jersey Shore" now considered "fresh???"

Jane "Whatchu Got in There?" Krakowski

Whaddya got hiding in there, Jane? A small child? That is one severe hip extension, my dear. It's almost like she planned for the heat and this extra material serves as a really great sweat towel. I really need a side angle of this bad boy, because it is one giant tumor.

Jenna "A for Effort" Fischer

Jenna finally found a hairstylist but the much-needed fashion stylist still seems to elude her. I mean, the fashion stylist is a mythical creature, that is for sure. One is attainable only when presented with magical powder and expensive gifts. You must overcome the fear of people spending your money, though, for that is a necessary trait to acquire this elusive stylist. I pray that one day Jenna will find hers.

Eva "Robin Swallows" LaRue

Somewhere, in a strip club not too far away, you can almost feel the jealousy and hear the mouths water over this get-up.

Alan Cummings (this name stands alone)

I keep checking to make sure this is, in fact, a man. Because I'm fairly certain those are women's trousers.

Jewel "When I was 17..."

Alright. Jewel has a sick body. I mean, wow. And this color is stunning on her. Now, if only there wasn't so much frill and lace and beading and bows, OH MY. It's too "Little Bo Peep." Although she does kind of look like a delicious cupcake. I'd eat her...wait, not her, per say, but eat a... *Shutup Juice*

Julia Louis Bathing Suit

Oh yeah, that's a sheer black stomach cutout. This definitely takes me back...Juice fact: I may or may not have owned a swimsuit like this back in the day. You know, it was my way of looking "sexy" while still in a gross one-piece. I was a camp counselor for 7-13 year olds; obviously no bikinis allowed in that pre-pubescent swimming pool of hormones. Not that I had anything to show off anyway at that age...SPF Sidebar: you still burn through that shit. I had some amazing tan lines that summer.

Kim "Stop Torturing Me" Kardashian

I'm having a Mariah Carey moment right now. Loyal Juice fans know that, from time to time, Mariah doesn't deliver the goods for me. By that I mean, she shows up on the red carpet sans cleavage. Kim has severe Mariah-syndrome here. What is she famous for? Tits and ass, people. So please show us why millions of people fall into the Kardashian zone and watch hours upon hours of marathon Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami episodes (I obviously don't fall into this category, no, definitely did NOT cry when Kim and Reggie broke up........) Instead Kim decided to play the "take me seriously as an actress" role by covering herself up and, even worse, rocking some horrible train\cape. Ughhhh.

Maura "Broke-ade" Tierney

Now I'm all for color. I crave color. But orange? Really? Orange brocade? I would totally make a couch or curtains out of that thing. And it'd definitely be cooler than this "dress."

COCO

I'd kill for that height. I'm talking about his hair, of course.

She Who Shall Go Nameless

WHY?

There's poking fun at yourself, and then there's Kate Gosselin. Fame Whore to the Stars. You think Jon was watching the kids at home, cursing his Christian Audigier Ed Hardy bedazzled tshirt??? (Loaded question, pause before answering)




Keri "Someone Put Baby In A Corner" Russell

Dirty Dancing meets Marilyn Monroe...I wanted this to work, but the more I look at it, it just doesn't fit her body at all. Are there boobs in there?

Oh Snap! Someone Better Fire Their Stylist!!!

That's right. You're seeing double on Nancy Carrell and Gail Simmons. 100% fireable offense in my humble opinion. Actually, in my really humble opinion, someone should be tarred and feathered for letting this happen at the Emmy's. Just sayin....

Naya "Jessica McClint-blaaaaaaaaghhhh" Rivera

In a ridiculously unsuccessful nod to Gaga, Naya Rivera's hair was an epic FAIL. During the entire red carpet broadcast I could see her dome-piece just bee-bopping around in the background itching for someone to interview her\it. Alas, the media were too scared to tackle this chick after the whole "I keyed my boyfriend, who also happens to work on Glee with me's, car when he broke up with me" scenario. I would too. She worked at Hooters. She probably has far worse revenge techniques than keying cars...



Rita "Is She Pregnant?" Wilson

Ok if she's pregnant, I 100% take back this comment, but since when do moo-moos come with embellished shawls?

Rutina "She's Getting a Tad Annoying on True Blood, Just Sayin" Wesley

Bob Ross strikes again??? That wiley bastard. I guess this is a little too abstract for Bob's taste, however, an artist of some sort definitely got a hold of this as well. It's as though they took a white dress, laid it flat across the floor like a blank canvas and rocked some brush strokes all over.

And Rutina, easy on the oil. You look slippery.

Tina "Sigh" Fey

For those that can transcribe ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, this dress reads as this:

"Close. Try Again Next Year."

Don't Hate Me because I Hate it: Sofia Vergara

It seems like everyone is raving about this dress. Well those people were obviously paid off. Because I can't look at it without thinking about a dead corpse on CSI Miami getting sliced and cut down the middle during autopsy. Or maybe I need to stop watching these kind of shows.

Fugliest Couple of the Night: Ty Burrell and His Wifey

This imaginary conversation just went on in my head:

Ty:

"Honey? What do you think?"

Wife:

"Amazing. I love the grey, it'll be different. (agreed) Definitely brown shoes with it. As a matter of fact, your old loafers will go perfectly."

Ty:

"Thanks babe. Oh, so the kids had some tie dye and I let them take a spin with your dress. What do you think? I say we add a few clusters of balls around your face and we got ourselves a gem."