The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Grammys Edition

"Oh Damn."

RA RA RARARAAAA OH MY OH MY MYYYY GAGAAAAAAAA

In a shocking turn of events, Lady Gaga proved me wrong and dialed it back this year - only 3 costume changes people! Behold:

#1: The Constellation. Shining like the bright star that she is, Gaga's orbit knows no boundaries on the red carpet...if you get too close, she might poke your eye out.

#2: Euro Kermit. It's not easy being green...especially if you're Lady Gaga's crotch in this Baywatch nightmare. Is there a more aggressive descriptive word than cameltoe? Because that's what's happening here. Ouch.

#3: Welcome to White Castle. May I take your order? You can only eat what little monsters do at this Castle though...that means glitter and anything pink. Ziggy Stardust would love for Gaga to stop stealing shit from his closet.

Best Nudie of the Night: PINK

Just when I thought there couldn't be any more crotch on this show, Pink dropped her capelet and gave us THIS. Why do I get the feeling there are a lot more tasteful and flattering leotards out there to dip into water and swing from ropes in? I mean, I know every woman at one time or another wished their pubic region was illuminated in rhinestones, but you gotta draw the line somewhere, right?



UnJuiciest Trend of the Night: Black See-Through Lace

Naw guys, it'll be all good. We got BODYSUITS on under this lace! It's totally going to look awesome.

Rihanna "Atreyuuuuuuuu"

OMG. If some Hollywood producer decides to re-make The Neverending Story (which isn't out of the realm considering all the ridiculous re-makes nowadays...) wouldn't Rihanna make a dope Childlike Empress in this dress??? Wait for it....

I mean, totally.

Imogen "Crazy Is As Crazy Does" Heap

It doesn't happen often, but I'm sort of at a loss for words here. If this entire look doesn't define "Hot Mess," I don't know what does. Call me insane here, but at least Gaga's costumes have some sort of theme...this ensemble is just nuts.

Most Heinous Couple of the Night: Katy Perry and Russell Brand

I don't think I've ever seen a dress with such deliberate "side-boob" action going on...this is NOT flattering, even if you do have a rack like Katy's. The whole nude mesh, metal flowers thing was so Vegas-cheesetastic for me. And almost right on cue, Russell unbuttoned his shirt to near belly-button status to complete the cheap look.

Carrie "That a Nightgown? Just askin'" Underwood

I think a certain stylist didn't read the instructions on this asymmetrical nightmare, thus while "tying" Carrie in, it knotted to such extreme measures it was unsalvageable. "Let's play it off like it's supposed to be that way...no one will know...we'll call it whimsical..." Really? Well I'm onto your act. Big time.



Mrs. Carey

I am literally laughing out loud looking at this picture.

"Where's Mariah? Um...what am I supposed to do now? Who's hand do I hold? Am I still supposed to carry someone in? This is weird...I feel this large emptiness right here to my left."



Snooki and The Situation (small fist pumps)

No, seriously. Who invited these two? So help me God, if they got paid to show up here, I think it's finally time to pitch my reality TV show to VH1. It'll be called "Are you Juicy Enough?" and it'll follow my search for the best-dressed men and women in America. A "Juicing Ceremony" will happen at the end of every week, where I'll boot out the unfashionable with my killer catchphrase:

"You're Just Not That Juicetastic"

The Odd Couple: Ke$ha and Justin Bieber

If I hadn't heard of either of these two, you might be able to convince me that Ke$ha was the small girl on the right and Justina Bieber was the tall amazon tranny to the left.

Beyonce "B is for Boring"

The Super Boobs came out to play again, which always makes me happy. Unfortunately, though, this Jetsons-inspired gown is just boring me to tears right now. The color is blahhh, the fishtail cut is predictable for her, I'm giving it a C- and that's forgiving.

It's Fergie Ferg.

In a night where "futuristic astronaut" seemed to be an unfortunate theme in the costuming department, Fergalicious took it to all extremes wearing what one could only call a "Sci-Fi cup. "

On a totally different topic, can we bring the visor back as a fashion accessory? Please? Because this one is f-ing RAD.

J. Blows.

What is happening here? If J.Lo really thinks she can put out a fashioncore dance album about her "Louboutins" and whatnot, bitch better be finding some better get-ups than this monstrosity. I mean...it's a one-legged curtain.

Lea "Wait, Who Am I Wearing Now?" Michele

So...Lea Michele was supposed to wearing a long, white gown until - Oh shit! She looked in a mirror and noticed her nips were poking through a wee bit too much to be seen in public. Good for her and her stylist - kudos! - but the backup plan here was not a success. I actually really want to see a black swan's head come out of her shoulder, a la Bjork's famous ensemble of years past...because it's almost there. Just not quite.

The "Try Harder Next Time" Award: Akon

It's not the Grammys unless someone shows up in a tshirt and sneakers. Thank you Akon for fulfilling this, although I shouldn't be mad since he's wearing a Lady Gaga tshirt..that kind of changes things. He just needs some sunglasses on right now and he'll be set.

Nicole "Stepford Wifey" Kidman

This is going to be really harsh, but here it goes: so, with as much Botox as Nicole shoots into her immovable face, I feel like she looks like she's just getting older and older and Keith Urban is looking younger and younger. Thoughts? I think it's her clothes. It's the Grammys. This gown is for Helen Mirren at the Golden Globes, not Nic. Her hubby is all chest tats, long hair, urban cowboy, chest tats, and she's just...this.

For Your Pleasure: It's a Chest-Off!!!