2009 Academy Awards Edition
Philip Seymour "Beanie Man" Hoffman
INT. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s bathroom
Philip takes a look in the mirror, ponders to himself...
Philip
Another day, another awards show, another nomination. Boooring.
Maybe I should shave...Nah...
You know what? I’m not even going to give those Academy assholes the pleasure of brushing my hair, either.
Philip picks up a black beanie cap and places over his long, ratty locks.
Philip
Nice. Now let’s get this shit over with.
Tilda "100% Gross." Swinton
OMG. I can never handle what the f*** this crazy, crazy woman wears. She is in a two-toned sack of a dress. Does she leave the house thinking she looks fierce and fashion-forward? Does she actually try to look like an androgynous martian? These are questions I need answered.
Goldie "Orange Alert" Hawn
Kurt? Kurt!? I’m totally pulling this off, right? I mean, Kate and I still look like sisters, right?!?
Most Heinous Couple of the Night: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens
So I loooove these two – they almost always take my “couple that made me go awwwww” award...but not tonight. What the hell was Vanessa Hudgens thinking? I could make that top out of some tulle and toilet paper and crunch them up to look like flowers, too. I’ve dubbed this “the garbage bag dress.”
My initial reaction when I saw Zac was “Holy Greaseball Batman...get a haircut!” Also, did his bowtie look weird to anyone else? Like it might squirt water at you when you get too close?
Melissa “Rusty” Leo
Cut the length off this dress and Kristi Yamaguchi should rock it on the ice skating rink, seriously. It might need a few more bedazzles, but that’s about it. Not to mention this “rust” color that oh-so-perfectly matches her helmet hair is just a little too much for me.
Most Heinous Trend of the Night : GEOMETRIC DESIGN
These three ladies had the most awkward-looking, uncomfortable and sharp-edged dresses of the night. If Amanda Seyfried tied that bow any tighter she’d still look like a terribly-wrapped Christmas present. And Heidi even admitted she had to sit on “one cheek” all night.
Sidebar. didn’t Heidi’s hair look very “Kim Cattrall circa Sex and the City Season 4”
Marisa “Please Pass the Napkins” Tomei
Maybe it’s just me, but this dress looked like someone weaved together a ton of napkins. Kind of like those purses made of seatbelts. Am I right? Anyone?
“BLAH” Award of the Night: Pale Dresses
Yawn. These all bored me to death. It’s the ACADEMY AWARDS, people. It’s like the Super Bowl for actors\actresses. Bring your A game for God’s sake.
Evan Rachel Wood and Anne Hathaway might be the palest people in Hollywood (next to Nicole Kidman). It’s like you HAVE to wear a color otherwise you just fade into yourself. Honestly, they’re all beautiful dresses, but I was extremely underwhelmed by the 3 of these gals.
Jessica “Justin Didn’t Want to Be Seen With Me” Biel
HIRE A STYLIST!!!
It pains me to say this, but I really did NOT like Kate’s dress. Even though she made me cry during her acceptance speech, her gown made me tear a bit, as well. She’s killed it on the red carpet lately and I’m just a little aghast at this choice. You can almost see the outline of what could have been a sexy strapless dress, but then someone thought “Whoa. Hang on. What if we add this fabric on one side OVER the strapless dress?”
I really can’t stop looking at her left boob. In a bad way.
And can we talk about her hair? Um...total helmet.
Marion “Hot Mess” Cotillard
This might beat Vanessa Hudgens in the “garbage bag dress” category. Her belt is SO out of place and unnecessary, but I guess you need something to break up the shiny hot mess of blue and fabric eating this little woman’s body. Doesn’t this look like something Helena Bonham Carter would sport?
“HOT Damn!”
Natalie “God I Love This Woman” Portman
She does no wrong. She could have showed up in a burlap sack and I’d still want to marry her. STUNNING.
Alicia Keys WOW-ed in this vibrant number. She totally stood out amongst the crowd of pale, blah colors and demanded respect.And I’m such a sucker for a high slit up the leg.
I’m OBSESSED with this dress. It’s just soooo different than anything that has been on the red carpet as of late. The one-arm lace is absolutely exquisite and the color is breathtaking on her. Total homerun.
So did anyone else squeal like a 4 year old girl when they saw Angie and Brad??? Because I absolutely did.
Brad finally grew out that “molestache” he has been rocking...Angie, although in her standard black, turned simple into shazaam with those gorgeous emerald earrings and ring to match. It’s amazing how something so simple as a touch of color in an earring can take you from a C- to an A+.
Miley “Don’t Hate Me Because I Loved It” Cyrus
I’m going to get crap for this one, but I heart this dress on Miley. I thought it was completely age-appropriate for her 16 yr. old bod, but also worthy of the Academy Awards. The detailed petal-like train is stunning, although it looks like it’s heavy as hell, and her belt complements and slims the look. Guys, I think she hired a stylist for this one. Big snaps.
Taraji P. “Be Fooled By My Rocks” Henson
I died over her necklace. Taraji rocked the “Statement Jewelry” trend of the night with her rock-tastic neckline. I know I hated on the pale colors earlier, but she is PULLING. IT. OFF.
p.s. I live for her hair here. Best cut of the night.
Emile “Completely Gratuitous” Hirsch
Sarah Jessica “Tiny Dancer” Parker
Insider Scoop from the red carpet:
SJP says to her publicist, as she’s “pushing in her minimal back fat” –
“just push it in and spread it out.”
Yes, people, I’m serious...Mickey is on the hot list for me. Take that!!!
Let the comments begin.
Quote of the night from Mickey to Ryan Seacrest:
“I don’t know what’s going to come out of my mouth.”
??? “I Date John Legend” ???
Who is this woman? Where did she come from? What does she do...aside from delicious eye candy on the arm of John Legend?
I guess when this is your 15th nomination and God knows how many times you’ve actually attended the Academy Awards, you sort of know how this shit works. A. Pick a dress that works for your body and still makes a sexy, yet classy statement. B. Shoot a little Botox C. Come with a smile.
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