The Juice...according to Jackie - 2013 Grammys

Oh, Damn.

Granny 'Del

I'm a little teapot, short and stout...

Adele's boobs needed to set fire to this monstrosity. She looked like a stuffed sausage in vintage muu-muu casing, pre-cooked, ready to eat, mustard-only. 

2 Chainz...I AM BLACULA

That's right bitches. I'm rocking a mothafuckin' CAPE. A CAPE!!! Muahahmuahahmuaha!!!

Feeling really inspired by the Blaxploitation film "Blacula," 2 Chainz thought he'd capitalize on the vampire trendiness that all those crazy tweens are into nowadays. 

Either that or he's giving up the music biz and entering the WWE ring AS his alter-ego Blacula. I mean...that's the championship belt he's got on there, right?

 Giuliana Rancic the Bandaid

I just feel like I'm looking at a really shredded up condom. Like this is possibly what condoms look like before they go on half of Maury's guests*

*because the other half do not use condoms at all

D'Manti

One thing I really love about the Grammys is that I have to google 80% of these "artists." I have no idea who D'Manti is, however I DO know that this dress is the most god-awful ripped to shreds spiderweb pieces of material slapped onto her boobs cuz we can't break the dress code piece of trash I've seen in awhile. What is she really missing, oh I don't know, FABRIC!?

But thank god for those peep-toe heels, huh? 

classy...

 Don't Hate Me Because I Hate It: Bey

Beyonce obviously expended all sexy Sasha Fierce energy into her Super Bowl performance and didn't feel like bringing her A-game to the Grammys...we call this the "red carpet hangover." 

Much like the hangovers I experience, (more often than I'd like to admit) this is the act of dressing up balls to the wall and getting hammered on a Saturday night...and come Sunday am unable to bring myself to put any pants on. Let alone tight ones. 

In Beyonce's case, she put pants on. 

Hair Fail.

 I used to have the biggest crush on Jack White. That was, until he started to look more and more like a pale awkward 13 year old girl...and/or Michael Jackson.

Double Hair Fail.

 Shouldn't Justin's people have told him that while he was out "acting" Bruno Mars happened? We don't need two, J.T. One is enough.

Angelina Jo...er, uh...J.Lo

Dress code? Fuck that dress code. I'm going to STUN people - much like my green boobilicious dress of old - except this time I'm going all leg baby. NO ONE has done this before. EVER. I am such a CRAZY SEXY REBEL. 

Shine Bright Like Jay's Tuxedo

Where in the galaxy did he get this constellation explosion of  a tux? It's like an aurora borealis threw up all over his body. I have no idea what I just typed here, I'm just trying out all of the intergalactical terms I can think of.

KimbrAHHHHHHH!!!!!

I just got really nervous and had a Black Swan flashback to the hangnail scene...therefore it's safe to say this look evokes nothing but scary, bloody, circus, ballet, Darren Aronofsky, needles, scissors, bitchy emotions. 

This is not a good thing.

Sonny Moore

This guy is a billionaire. And gets laid. Discuss.

 Chiquita Banaaanaaaa

You want to know where my vagina is? Oh, it's just right here. Yep. Right...just...yep, right above that slit there. Yeah. That's it. Just in case you wanted to know.

 Pauley Perrette 

 You know, CBS needs to work on who of it's "stars" they invite to their own award shows. I mean, LL Cool J hosted for gods sake...oh wait...AND closed the show out rapping (what should have been Mama Said Knock You Out, but I digress...)

Pauley what'shername from NCIS is one of those questionable guests. Do people watch NCIS enough? Is it because if you even watch a promo, she's so unique and creative looking that you slightly recognize her? If the show has been on that many seasons, don't we think she could have afforded a dress from some place other than, say, Contempo Casuals? On that note, does Contempo Casuals still exist or did I just date myself? This dress is an abhorrence. Also: SPANX.

Drop Down and Get Yo Turban On Gurrl

T. Swizzle

I am sooooooooo bored you guys. Just beyond bored. I get it. You're like cute and rail thin and wear red lipstick really well. And something about you gets you laid...like, a lot. But there's also something about you that gets dumped by these guys immediately. Those dead eyes and awkward veneers lead me to one strong belief: you must be terrible in bed. Just absolutely terrible. 

 and can we do something with this hair? You've banged Jake Gyllenhaal, you asshole. Act like it. 

 Lisa D'Amato 

I felt like the Grammys covered only about ten celebs total...Lisa is probably a big reason why we don't see the other 90% attending. And no, she was not a back-up singer to Taylor Swift's Alice in Wonderland meets Saw meets Cirque opening act....

 Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: 

Kat and Mouse

Kat and Mouse...see what I did there? 

Anyway, Kat said she doesn't play by the rules and the Grammys dress code meant shit to her. I'm guessing those tattoos are her way of showing she's a rule-breaker...unless showing up as a summer picnic tablecloth is really stirring up trouble in her mind. 

And I think DeadMau5's mis-matched shoes are definitely where his rebellian lies. Definitely.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2013 Grammys

HOT DAMN! 

Kermit the Boob

 To quote my dear friend Ryan Leimbach, "...I wanted to curl up and take a nap in Katy Perry's boobs last night." I couldn't agree more, Ry. Men, women, babies could not help but love those ta-tas. I'm torn here though, folks. She looks phenomenal in this vintage Gucci, but I can't decide if I hate the color. It's like Kermit the frog meets split pea soup...which evokes a bizarro nostalgia in me, albeit not necessarily one that I want to feel when looking at a gown...

Eh, whatever, let's just take another close look at those boobies, shall we?

Destiny's Child? F that, I'm Kelly Rowlands, bitch.

 Not feeling the "red carpet hangover" that so obviously afflicted dear Beyonce, Ms. Rowlands decided to BRING THE FIRE to the Grammys and take everyone's breath away in this show-stopper. By far, my FAVORITE dress of the night. It hugs in all the right places and the cut-outs couldn't possibly give me a bigger boner.

Natasha Bedingfield Has a Pocket Full of Sunshine

I'm calling this dress "Memoirs of a Geisha." This is a good Geisha thing: reminds me of cherry blossom trees blooming, a sea of red petals...

not a bad Geisha thing: white socks and sandals stuck between the toes.

Big props to Natasha as she was the first person to pop some color in a sea of black. And I'm slightly obsessed with the subtle, yet sexy, side cut-outs. 

Don't Hate Me Because I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

Florence Welch showed up as a dinosaur and I'm 100% OBSESSED. God this dress is so fucking cool. I may have drank too much wine last night (likely) but I died when I saw this. The emerald green against her fair skin and ginger locks...the fiercosity of those spikes. Unique, creative, awesome, fabulous.

 Janelle Monae IS Androgyny

 This little chickadee rocks a tux better than most men on the red carpet. I wonder what kind of underwear she wears...she doesn't look like a "panties" kind of gal.

FUN.?!.

All I want for Valentine's Day is a sexy hipster in a cropped leg skinny pant suit with fabulous shoes.

I think I deserve it.

Love, 

Juice

She Can Be a Freak

The jury is kind of still out on Estelle's risk-taker, but I'm absolutely backing it. I LOVE this print. And honestly? She looks comfy as shit. If I had a hand in designing my own red carpet look, I'd also make sure I looked fierce while still being able to walk/sit/pee/dance/drink.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: BLACK (SEQUINS)

 None of these looks are particulalry amazeballs, but black sequins were the rage last night. You know what I say to that? Fuck you Grammys dress code.

Miranda is Puffy

 Speaking of dress code....Miranda was asked last night about what exactly the dress code entailed. She said "no side boob...no puffy skin." What is puffy skin? "Well, I think this counts as puffy skin" ---- as she poked her ta-tas. That is all you need to know.

*Le Sigh* Hard Girl Crush

 It's slightly unfair how hot this chick is. Seriously. I'm starting to actually get mad at Rihanna. I mean, I know it's not her fault, but she makes it look 

so. ridiculously. effortless. 

Trey Songz

 Attention gentlemen: this is how you wear a suit. The end. 

Wait...

Yummm. Mama likey. Ooooohweeee. 

Now, the end.

Kat Denning, What's Happening Here?

WHERE DID YOUR BOOBS GO, GIRL??? 

Seriously. I'm worried.

Beyonce's Sister

 Seriously, this look is everything for me. The strong shoulder, the bold green, the perfect silhouette and the hot pink heel. Solange is rocking all of this. I would do dangerous things for this look.

STING.

I would totally have sex with Sting. 

The Juice...according to Jackie - Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 Premiere

K-Stew + R.Patz = Love?

Don't they look soooooo happy, you guys? 

And by happy, I mean ridiculously, stupidly stoned out of their minds...

Kristen "Nudie McNuderton" Stewart

I honestly LOVE this dress upon first glance. 

(Key words: "upon first glance.") 

First of all, she's 100% glowing. You know...that "I just cheated on my boyfriend, got caught, apologized, and my boyfriend took me back"- glow. They should bottle that shit. 

I love the nude. It's shocking in a good way. I love the boning and that "Japanese sun rays" sort of thing coming out of her belt. Again, at first glance.

Upon further inspection, though, is when I start to hate this dress. What's with the boob cups? NO ONE'S boobs are shaped like that, let alone fit into a shape like that. And what's with the Japanese sun rays? You know what I mean:

And most importantly, upon further inspection, that see-through thing that's happening on her skirt is showing FAR too much vagina for my liking. Whoa, too much vagina for Juice? I know...I know...this is unlike me. But here's why it's bad vagina. She is 1000% wearing the most heinous nude granny panty bodysuit I have ever seen created. Those Spanx look like those giant diaper panties hanging in the JCPenny ladies underwear section. You know what I'm talking about.

Take Exhibit A: her ass. 

Yikes.

This is not sexy. If I'm Robert, I'm not putting a hand on that ass at all.

Edward *sigh*

Don't hate me because I love it. Yeah, it's probably because Robert Pattinson gives me a total Juice boner...that white skin, those green eyes, the bad teeth, British accent...yeah. He can do no wrong for me. Granted, yes, he does kind look like a House of Wax figurine here. And that material is beyond unforgiving -- the pull at the buttons...I can't imagine what the pants will look like after he sits down for the first time. Probably some weird crotch lines. But ultimately, I think it's different and I enjoy different. The emerald green is absolutely doing it for me. 

Elle "Scrolldown Nightmare" Fanning

Wait for it. Wait for it...WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS ON HER FEET? 

 They look like dentures being glued into a mouth...which will then rocket said mouth into outer space to make peace with the aliens.

And what's with the diaper skirt? Is "Grandma Chic" a new thing? We got Kristen's granny spanx and now this incredible satin diaper on Elle? Ugh. 

I'm also concerned that we have a new Chloe Sevigny on our hands here.

 Try Harder Next Time: Joe Anderson

 Who styled this guy? The costume designers for American Idol? My god, he looks like he's singing for his life tonight with the Bryan Adams hit, "Everything I Do, I Do It For You," but inevitably he'll fall to his 16 year old boy band competition who will sing Britney's "I'm a Slave" acoustically while playing the guitar.

Julian Morris*

 *Who are these people??? 

Shhh...it's (Dakota Fanning)

 In an effort to remove herself as far away as possible from being recognized as a relative to Elle Fanning, Dakota went brunette incognito wearing her mom's Christmas tablecloth.

Edi Gathegi

YES. 100% YES. This is how you do red carpet. And if those lapels are actually leather, I'm even more in love. 

Kellan "I'll Be Your Server Tonight" Lutz

 "Tonight we have a very delicious bone-in ribeye served with a classic bearnaise sauce, sauteed mushrooms, and garlic fries..."

 Nikki Reed

 I always feel like...somebody's watching meeee...and I have no privacy...whoaaa...

Is it just me or is an evil Siamese cat staring at me right now?

And just for shits and giggles....this woman is for real, people. FOR REAL. God help us. She's a big reason restraining orders exist.