The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Grammys

HOT DAMN! 

Princess Ri Ri

JUST. ABSOLUTE. FIRE. 

My initial reaction upon seeing this gorgeous creature was "Full.On.Boner." Rihanna never ceases to ooze the perfect amount of sex appeal. Everything about this look is perfect - hair, makeup, skin showing in all the right places; even her shoes are dope. 

Look up "killing it" in the urban dictionary and you'll see this pic of Ri Ri. 

Listen, even my mom is feeling it: 

"I hear ya." 

Carrie "White Hot" Underwood

I predicted early on in the night that Carrie would have my favorite look of the evening...so outside of me wanting to have sex with Rihanna (whew. there, I said it), this prediction stuck. Carrie is werking that white sparkle. I particularly love the modest front and the peek of open back. Classy yet still sexy.

Total stunner. 

Queen of the Night: Adele 

When it is basically YOUR night, you have to come with the goods and Adele did not disappoint. The sparkle on her Armani Prive gown was incredible...just watching her move in it was jaw dropping. Even her performance, in a Clements Rebeiro cocktail dress, was flawless. And speaking of flawless, who does this chick's makeup? Because I want to marry them. Man or woman, think about it - if I had someone who could make me that gorgeous every day would be the the gift that never stops giving. 

Don't Hate Me Because I LOVE It: Corinne Bailey Rae

I am 100% obsessed with this Christian Siriano piece of art. It is fabulous. It's so much fun and, even at a cocktail length, it still exudes red carpet awards show class. In the famous words of Mr. Siriano: "FIERCE."

Katy "Don't be Blue" Perry

Insert all the Smurf jokes you want here (yeah her hair looks like my grandma's bad box hair dye) but this dress is just bananas beautiful. The craftsmanship of the sequins and lace, the way it moved with her body...and that train! Ugh. Gorgeous. Thank you Katy for rocking the red carpet hard after a public breakup. There's nothing that makes me happier.

Taylor "Beanstalk" Swift

I wasn't sure about the gold brocade fabric at first, but the more pics I see, the more I'm feeling this Zuhair Murad. The cap sleeve, high neck and open chest is really interesting, especially on such a thin creature like Taylor. My initial reaction was "this chick is TALL" but then I also realized she was standing next to Bruno Mars. So....yeah.

Adam "Lose the Girlfriend and Let's Talk" Levine

 Gentlemen, THIS is how you wear a suit. Me likey.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats

There's so much swag in this pic, I can't even hang. Swizz's grape velvet jacket with matching bowtie are out of control hot. Alicia took a fairly simple LBD* and spiced it up with a bold collar necklace. I sweat these two big time. More than anything, it's great to see a couple work their own style yet still flow nicely together. I hate that matchy-matchy Justin Timberlake\Britney Spears dating era "let's rock matching denim outfits" shit. You totally know what I'm talking about.

sidebar: fairly certain those are the same heels Rihanna's got on as well. I need. 

*little black dress

Don't Hate Me Because I Dig It: Skylar Grey

 I'm reminded of a Family Guy episode:

Peter - "Have fun at the spa girls."

Meg - "I'd rather choke myself on seaweed and die."

Peter - "Ooooooh you are dark!"

Yeah.

But seriously, I really do love the dress. Maybe not for the Grammy's but, hey, who is she anyway, right? 

 And I might need to borrow those shoes.

Juice Crush: Foo Fighters

 Most importantly, Dave Grohl. I mean, the guy is just so awesome. If we dated we'd probably sit around and watch Bravo (I read he's into Real Housewives, for real) and drink beer and he'd serenade rock ballads to me and we'd just laugh all night long. Then I'd make him take a shower before we got into bed.

Julianne "Beard" Hough

 This is an "eh" post. I don't love it and I don't hate it. I'm just contractually obligated to include Julianne on here because of some memo I received in the mail from Ryan Seacrest Productions that said....I mean.....she looks absolutely stunning, fabulous, gorgeous, best look of the night, dying over her, shutting it down.

Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

The Civil Wars

You're damn right I had no clue who these two were before last night and you're damn right I downloaded their album as soon as I found out. Zero shame. 

They had, hands down, the coolest performance of the night, and done in only a minute.

Dude also has a real sexy Johnny Depp thing going on. Which I dig, obvs.

Ice T and Coco Clean Up Nicely

I have to say, I'm not quite comfortable living in a world without Coco's cameltoe exposed.

Kelly Rowland

 Kelly Rowland looking good looking like Alicia Keys.

Kings of Ironic, I mean, Leon

I haven't witnessed such an awkward interview since Will Ferrell won his first race in Talladega Nights and didn't know what to do with his hands. High as a kite or disinterested as hell...either way, these guys are bloody gorgeous. 

Kelly "Silver Fox" Osbourne

 I realize I've been hating on Kelly recently. But come on, when you're a panelist on E! Fashion Police, it's like you have a free pass on the red carpet. Sort of like  if you're banging Ryan Seacrest... *coughJulianneHoughcough* 

But I give props where props are due and Miss O is glitztastic fabulous. There's a little bit of a "vagina thing" going on with her draping in the midsection, but I'm gonna overlook it. I also am totally feeling her hair, finally. It took awhile, but she's found that good place between grey and purple.

LL Smooth J

 The LL Cool J Drinking Game:

drink every time he licks his lips

(which, in theory, should get everyone hammered after the first five minutes)

Amazing concept, but the game turned out to be a bit of a fail, meaning he rocked a decent chapstick and we also didn't see a whole lot of him. 

All good, though...I still drank. And let's be honest, do these awards shows really need a host anyway? Not really. Sort of unnecessary...kind of like sideline reporters. 

Jessie J

 I want to put on some roller-skates and get my all-skate groove on under this disco ball. This is a good thing. I really do love this dress. And I really love roller skating. 

Leather. Mini. Shorts.

 Dear Chris Brown, 

I win.

Love, Ri Ri

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 SAG Awards

Oh, Damn.



Rose "The Scrolldown Disaster" Byrne

   For those of you just joining The Juice blog, let me tell you about a little phrase I've coined called: "The Scrolldown Disaster." It sort of defines itself, but just to elaborate because this is my blog and I do what I want, the scrolldown disaster occurs when you take a look at a pic of (insert actress\actor here) and start from the top...ok, everything's fine, hair is alright, the top of that dress is gorgeous, love the sequins... *scroll down* ...and oh my god she's wearing a sequined corset with jeans and combat boots!!! Disaster.

So, here we start out with Rose's heavy but kind of cute blunt bob. Doing ok.

Let's move down to a white-hot deep plunge, beautifully beaded top. Dig it.

*scroll down*

OH, NO SHE DIDN'T JUST ROLL UP TO THE RED CARPET IN A JUMPSUIT!?

I would sweat this outfit hard in the 70s...as would Elvis.

Shailene "When Dressing Your Age is a Fail" Woodley

 At first glance, I was intrigued by this L'Wren Scott dress. At a time when the red carpet has been dominated by black or white, a bold pattern always stops me in my tracks, especially on younger actresses. It's ballsy. And I love ballsy.

But upon further dissection, I think we have a bad Goodwill dress from the 90s on our hands...and one that does nothing for up-and-coming starlet Shailene. On the plus side, she has many more opportunities to wow. So, no pressure at the Oscars, darling.

In other news, I suddenly have this extreme urge to frolick in the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha where the cherry blossoms were blooming and falling ever so beautifully...

Zoe "You're Better Than This" Saldana

In all seriousness, I think she's wearing a $2 Hanes wife-beater tank under there.

A Glee Disappointment

Amber Riley

 I don't care what anybody tells you, NEVER wrap your boobs up like a Christmas present. Delightful surprise or not.

Jenna Ushkowitz

Where'd the bottom half of that dress go? I know these Glee kids have been to a million of these red carpet shows, but let's try a little harder, shall we? Make me feel like you're excited to be a glamorous actress/singer, not excited to get high at Coachella.

Lea Michelle

Initial reaction: DAMN!

Side profile reaction: STRIPPER!

The Try Harder Next Time Award: BJ Novak

Thanks for showing up BJ. I know it's difficult to get your pants hemmed and throw a tie on for an event like this, especially after you've been on a 48 hour bender.

I Had To Google: Emilia Clarke and Penelope Ann Miller

 I  really hate admitting when I have to google who actors and actresses are / what they star in, but seriously had no clue about these two. So thanks to the Gods of Google, Emilia Clarke is an English actress famous for her role in HBO's Game of Thrones. Penelope Ann Miller is an American actress who is relevant for the TV series Men of a Certain Age.

Fun fact #1: when I googled Penelope Ann Miller, google wanted to keep filling in the blanks with "Penelope Ann Miller's feet."

Fun Fact #2: Penelope Ann Miller is in the upcoming movie Robosapien: Rebooted.

I like this chick already.

Ok where was I? Oh yeah. Someone should have told Emilia that Black Swan was nominated last year and that vampires are sort of on the outs... and I really want to shred Penelope's dress for some cool window drapes.

The Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Brangelina

Could they look any more frosty?? My nips are hard just looking at the chill in the air that's surrounding them.

Gretchen "Beam Me Up Scottie" Mol

Worst.cumberbund.ever.

Jane "Labyrinth" Krakowski

Are anyone else's eyes drawn ever so slightly to the middle of Jane's chest? You know, not so much to her legs, or arms, but this nagging "LOOK HERE" feeling towards her midsection? No? Ok, me neither.

Kaley "David's Bridal" Cuoco

 Honey. Big fan. I want to be friends with you, for real. But you look like you just got stood up at the altar.

Kelly "E! Please Hire Juice Instead" Osbourne



 Once again Kelly proves that she has no business being a commentator on E!'s Fashion Police. It's like she thinks that gig is a get out of jail free card and she can wear whatever she wants and not get Joan Rivers crap for it. She's untouchable. It's kind of brilliant and I'm kind of jealous.

More importantly though, what do we think she has hanging from her waist there? Her housekeys? Two drumsticks?

Nick "Father Time" Nolte

 Since when did Nick Nolte become the spitting image of Santa or Wilford Brimley? Take your pick.

And the Try Harder Next Time Award for Females: Busy Phillips

Busy just asked Jenna Ushkowitz if she had any weed. 

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 SAG Awards

Hot Damn!

Amber "SuperCrush" Heard

 It's no secret. I am 100% obsessed with Amber Heard. It probably has a little something to do with the fact that she looks like Scarlett Johannson's twinsie...but I think it's mostly because they both consistently rock the red carpet oozing with confidence. And there's nothing sexier than confidence, people. 

Girlfriend is rocking this cutout Zac Posen number with total flair.

Ashlee "Where You Been?" Simpson



 Since Jessica's been eating up (no pun intended) all the mag time with her pregnancy and weight issues, we haven't seen or heard much from Ms. Ashlee lately. So just in case you're wondering, she's been banging some dude that's on the HBO show Boardwalk Empire...I believe the guy who plays Lucky Luciano. I could google for further investigation here, but I'm gonna guess none of you care that much.

Anywho, I've always loved Ashlee's style. Certain people are just born with a rock and roll edge, and she's one of them. And no doubt, this dress is f-ing fantastic in my opinion. Some may argue and call it a little matronly, but I think she's pulling it off in a "vintage Chanel\Kirsten Dunst when she was still relevant-kind of way."

The Battle of the Cougars: Glenn Close vs. Jessica Lange

Hello!!!!! Glenn Close is just WORKING that Zac Posen dress. Sophisticated, classy, elegant, sexy are all words that come to mind.

Then we have Jessica Lange turning up the heat in her David Meister number. 

Dirtier words come to mind with Ms. Lange...so I'm going to have to take Jessica in this Battle of the Cougar, but only by a sequin.

Jack "So THAT'S What Your Face Really Looks Like" Huston

 Speaking of Boardwalk Empire, Jack Huston plays a disfigured hitman, and by disfigured I mean a major Phantom of the Opera thing going on. So needless to say, I had to Hot Damn Juice him, he's got a sexy, navy three-piece hipster thing going on in real life. And this guy below....not so much.

Jayma "THE JUICIEST" Mays

 FAB.U.LOSITY.

I died over this dress, came back to life and had to wipe the drool still hanging from my chin. BY FAR my favorite look of the night, Jayma is ridiculously stunning in this Reem Acra work of art.

 The strong shoulders give her so much shape while accentuating her tiny waist. And the hint of lace at the back, which could have been open skin, is an even better pair with the delicate beading of the gown. My God, this woman is breathtaking.

Do they make this in white? Because I kinda want to get married in it one day.

The Juiciest Couple of the Night: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler

 

What more can be said about George Clooney that hasn't already been said? The man is God's gift to women...and the suit. So let's move on to his new flavor of the month, Stacy "I used to be a WWE Wrestler" Keibler. I'm impressed. She's obviously hired a stylist, or George is really great at playing Pretty Woman with his chicks, buying Valentino for them. Either way, she looks fabulous. And WAY less trashy than the ex, Elisabetta. I took one look at that hideous barbed wire tattoo she has and gave them two years tops.

(see below)

Michelle "Hiiiii Cuuuuutie" Williams

 Michelle Williams has that 60s mod, delicate pixie pretty thing down so tight that I almost have nothing else to say for her other than WOW. So gorgeous. I typically loathe asymetrical bottoms to dresses, but I'm letting it slide this time because I just want to pinch her cheeks and eat her up. I think that's sound reasoning, don't you?

Sofia "Splash of Color" Vergara

Where black dominated the night, Sofia wasn't too shy to sport a beautiful fuschia on this red carpet. Let's be serious, this woman can do no wrong with that body. She could put a potato sack on and still make men weak in the knees. In my next life, I will acquire that superpower somehow.

Tilda "Yes, You're Reading this Right, She is HOT DAMN" Swinton

  Last but certainly not least....my favorite androgynous alien whom I LIVE to see on the red carpets almost as much as Lady Gaga. Loyal Juice readers will know that this woman has literally topped 99% of my"Oh, Damn." blogs, ranging in categories from Un-Juiciest trend to Fugliest to Try Harder Next Time.

But ladies and gentlemen, you're reading this right and I may be suffering from jet lag \ lack of sleep \ insomnia \ or a brain aneurysm, but I'm putting Tilda Swinton into the HOT category!

I mean, look at her. First of all, she's wearing MAKEUP. She has skin color like that of a normal pale person, not that of Powder. And let's not bypass the red lip, either. To ramble further, this Lanvin dress is, well, kind of hot! Yes, she has zero boobs to fill it out, but the deep plunge of the dress gives her some shape and a little sex appeal. Somebody throw some water on my face because I may be hallucinating, but Ms. Tilda Swinton, baby claps to you. Baby claps.

You have made my year.