K-Stew + R.Patz = Love?
Don't they look soooooo happy, you guys?
And by happy, I mean ridiculously, stupidly stoned out of their minds...
Kristen "Nudie McNuderton" Stewart
I honestly LOVE this dress upon first glance.
(Key words: "upon first glance.")
First of all, she's 100% glowing. You know...that "I just cheated on my boyfriend, got caught, apologized, and my boyfriend took me back"- glow. They should bottle that shit.
I love the nude. It's shocking in a good way. I love the boning and that "Japanese sun rays" sort of thing coming out of her belt. Again, at first glance.
Upon further inspection, though, is when I start to hate this dress. What's with the boob cups? NO ONE'S boobs are shaped like that, let alone fit into a shape like that. And what's with the Japanese sun rays? You know what I mean:
And most importantly, upon further inspection, that see-through thing that's happening on her skirt is showing FAR too much vagina for my liking. Whoa, too much vagina for Juice? I know...I know...this is unlike me. But here's why it's bad vagina. She is 1000% wearing the most heinous nude granny panty bodysuit I have ever seen created. Those Spanx look like those giant diaper panties hanging in the JCPenny ladies underwear section. You know what I'm talking about.
Take Exhibit A: her ass.
Yikes.
This is not sexy. If I'm Robert, I'm not putting a hand on that ass at all.
Edward *sigh*
Don't hate me because I love it. Yeah, it's probably because Robert Pattinson gives me a total Juice boner...that white skin, those green eyes, the bad teeth, British accent...yeah. He can do no wrong for me. Granted, yes, he does kind look like a House of Wax figurine here. And that material is beyond unforgiving -- the pull at the buttons...I can't imagine what the pants will look like after he sits down for the first time. Probably some weird crotch lines. But ultimately, I think it's different and I enjoy different. The emerald green is absolutely doing it for me.
Elle "Scrolldown Nightmare" Fanning
Wait for it. Wait for it...WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS ON HER FEET?
They look like dentures being glued into a mouth...which will then rocket said mouth into outer space to make peace with the aliens.
And what's with the diaper skirt? Is "Grandma Chic" a new thing? We got Kristen's granny spanx and now this incredible satin diaper on Elle? Ugh.
I'm also concerned that we have a new Chloe Sevigny on our hands here.
Try Harder Next Time: Joe Anderson
Who styled this guy? The costume designers for American Idol? My god, he looks like he's singing for his life tonight with the Bryan Adams hit, "Everything I Do, I Do It For You," but inevitably he'll fall to his 16 year old boy band competition who will sing Britney's "I'm a Slave" acoustically while playing the guitar.
Julian Morris*
*Who are these people???
Shhh...it's (Dakota Fanning)
In an effort to remove herself as far away as possible from being recognized as a relative to Elle Fanning, Dakota went brunette incognito wearing her mom's Christmas tablecloth.
Edi Gathegi
YES. 100% YES. This is how you do red carpet. And if those lapels are actually leather, I'm even more in love.
Kellan "I'll Be Your Server Tonight" Lutz
"Tonight we have a very delicious bone-in ribeye served with a classic bearnaise sauce, sauteed mushrooms, and garlic fries..."
Nikki Reed
I always feel like...somebody's watching meeee...and I have no privacy...whoaaa...
Is it just me or is an evil Siamese cat staring at me right now?
And just for shits and giggles....this woman is for real, people. FOR REAL. God help us. She's a big reason restraining orders exist.
