The Juice...according to Jackie - 2009 MTV VMA Awards Edition

"Oh, Damn."

OMGaga.

Honestly, I really can't decide which is my favorite.

Couple of thoughts:

- I was surprised by "the inspired by The Crow" costume #1 - since when does Gaga wear skirts, let alone floor-length skirts?

- Bloody Tampon costume #2 - thank you for bringing back the undies and ripped nylons.

- "inspired by The Cell" aka red lace costume #3 - I'm predicting this will be the most popular Halloween costume of the year. MARK MY WORDS.

- How sharp is that bush around her face? Because it looks sharp.

- Costume #5 looks like Joan Jetson was reincarnated and brought back to accept a VMA award.

- And finally, I want the doily headdress to be a big statement piece this fall. It looks like two ass-cheeks on top of her head. So chic.

The Asshole and his Accessory

What's the better accessory : Amber Rose looking like a walking snakeskin clutch or a bottle of Hennessey?

Amber Rose deserves a Fugging all to herself - I mean, really? A skin-tight, snakeskin BODYSUIT. And her necklace, earrings and bald ass head make her look even more like an alien than she normally does. But Kanye had to get tossed in here for remaining the reigning King of the Douche. Who hijacks a 17 yr old's acceptance speech? FAIL.

Jenny from Back in the Day

VELVET? I'm cringing.
None of this works. The gold velvet arms attached to a silk dress and then paired with full lace booties? WTF? I want to see fabrics working harmoniously together!! Not waging WWIII against each other.

The Hills Are Alive with Horrible Clothing

Good God. Just because Kristin Cavallari is back, doesn't mean the other MTV players need to give up.

I love Whitney Port and I typically love her fashion choices. But I'm not swooning over this dress. Her corset top is doing nothing for her ta-ta's...they're a little sag-tastic...and aren't corsets supposed to do the opposite of let you sag? Just asking.

And if she cut that see-through edge off, I'd buy it. It'd be a little short (possible crotch flash) but still, much better than that crap hanging off the end.

Lo Bosworth looks like she should be trying out for next season's Real Housewives of the OC. Talk about aging yourself with a dumpy, old-fashioned shift dress. And her makeup is a bit clownish, don't you think? Thus, again fitting right in with the overly-processed, overly-made up RHofOC. Meow.

Most Gratuitous Plugging

Really? Wow. Can't wait to run to the theater for this one...

"HOT Damn!"

"F*** You, Kanye"

Forget that Kanye jumped onstage and robbed this girl's glory of accepting her first VMA award...Taylor Swift looked AMAZING all night. Her red carpet gown was to die for, and when she turned around and showed that draped open back, the heat level rose like 10 notches. Her makeup is GORGEOUS, I'm loving the retro red lip on her, and I'm glad she pulled her hair back to give all attention to that stunning dress. Team Swift all the way.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: Paying Homage to the Moon Man Award

Let's call this the "Moon Man" look, shall we? I'm DYING over it.

Shiny, Glitter, Spikes, Insane Gladiator heels, Cleavage, Shiny....It's fun. It's fitting. It's the VMAs; you're allowed to show some pizzazz and go out on a limb. I want to fly to the moon with these chicks and party. Are Earth Girls Are Easy? Katy Perry gives a resounding YES.

Jacob.

If you haven't seen the New Moon trailer yet, I recommend a viewing. The movie looks great and, more importantly, you get a sneak peek at Taylor shirtless. I feel dirty saying this since he's like 17 yrs old, but I am a puma...And I need to replace my Jonas Brothers obsession with someone fresh. I think T.Laut is a good fit.

Beyonce: A Total Class Act

If I could find a picture of Beyonce in her performance outfit (a shinier version of her bodysuit from "Single Ladies" video) I would have put that up here. Because seriously, this chick is so hot. How the fuck do her boobs look like that - all perky, cleaved out and bouncy, while not falling out of a deep v neck while perculating on the dance floor for 20 minutes?

Case in point: her very cute red dress for the red carpet. Again, note the deep v. And the pushed up cleavage. What is the trick? Is the dress ridiculously tight? Is it glued to her skin? Does she have Super Boobs? I want to know, B. A lot of women out there want to know.

OH Shit! Someone Better Be Firing Their Stylist!!!

At least Shakira rocked some over-the-knee boots to give it a different look than Pink's. Personally I think Pink looks better here all in all, but it's apples to oranges. They're both hot, it's a cute dress.
Shakira will definitely be the first to fire her stylist, as she was quoted "my stylist told me it's a one of a kind..."

Whereas, Pink probably just took a few shots, walked over to Shakira and said, let's just take some twinzy pics, ok? Her brilliant quote was, "When you can buy it off the internet, this is what happens." I love it.