THE JUICE...according to Jackie

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Grammys

2012-02-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

OH, DAMN.

Robyn "Your Waitress Apron is Backwards, Honey"

I bet you all thought I'd start with Sasha-guns, huh? Well, I figured I'd soften the blow with a little androgyny first. Don't want to blow my load early, so to speak.

Let's take a poll: What's the worst part about this outfit?

A. the Hanes t-shirt fresh out of the package

B. the too-tight, wrinkled white satin miniskirt

C. the tablecloth train

D. the solo earring dangling OVER her ear

E. construction boot wedges

F. all of the above, the entire thing makes me want to stick daggers in my eyes

I have a feeling I know which answer you'll all choose...

Nicki Minaj: Nun on Fire

Looking like Little Red Roman Hood, Nicki Minaj brought the crazy. I live for these moments at awards shows, for real. I mean, this is some Lady Gaga shit. Oh, you showed up in an egg last year and hatched? Well I'm a show up with a Bishop on my arm, beeyotch. And then I'll confess my sins on-stage because

I'm a MUTHAFUCKIN MONSTAHHH!!!

Sasha "Tropic Thunder Barbie" Gradiva

This is just too much. Didn't Tarantino and Rodriguez do a flick where Rose McGowan had a machine gun for a leg? Sasha Grindhouse Gradiva. This legitimately frightens me. I feel like the Terminator would totally get off on this look. How did security let her in? Do we think it's plastic? I bet that thing got sweaty and heavy after awhile. I really hope at one point in the process the question was posed "well, do we think the machine gun will mesh with the light pink or is the bazooka better?"

Ok...I'm done. For now.

Wait one more: in all seriousness, who knew the name Sasha Gradiva before tonight? Exactly. Crazy-genius at work here, people.

Rick Ross Like a Boss

Dressing up is for suckers. More importantly, I really want this sweater to be velour. And I think it is.

Looking like a swagged out Fat Albert.

Bonnie McKee (yeah, no clue)

This is one hell of a figure skating costume. Thank God they added that yellow horsehair, I really needed my eyes to have something to focus on.

More importantly, I desperately want to ask her to spin around really quickly for a few minutes to open the time portal. I've always wanted to visit the 1920s.

I Really Don't Hate It: Fergie Ferg

You know, I'm kind of feeling the whole dress in general. I love the orange, I'm such a sucker for a pop of bright color. The lace is beautiful and vintage-esque, not tacky girly lace. The cap sleeve and mermaid cut are quite lovely on her body, as well.

I just can't get past the GRANNY PANTIES.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: The Guettas

What I would give to be a fly on the wall in this household. I bet she cooks dinner in that leather jumpsuit and works out in those heels.

Bon Iver

Dude. Way to represent Wisconsin. And Wisconsin's impeccable taste in men's tailoring.

Cutest Couple of the Night: Lady Gaga and Miranda Lambert

"one of these things is not like the other..."

But seriously, what do you think Miranda was more uncomfortable about sitting next to Gaga? Her pimp date swinging, getting a stray hair caught in that face mask, touching the disco stick and contracting an STD, or getting attacked by her minion of flying monkeys?

Paris "I'm Collaborating with Afrojack and LMFAO That's Why I'm Here" Hilton

I really want to put her arms down. I don't think she took her hands off her hips the entire night. Seriously. I was so uncomfortable as she posed like that talking to Giuliana. It's worse than crossing your arms while conversing with someone. That says rude. This says I don't give a shit what you're saying to me right now I just want my arms to look thin.

Bruno "Grenade" Mars

He is such an attractive little lady, isn't he?

Snookers

I'm going to give Snooki what Stewie Griffin likes to call the "compliment sandwich." Ok:

So, I know you were dressed by Bebe so you didn't have much in a choice of not looking like an 18 yr old slutty club kid from 1993, but you probably could have picked a solid pattern as opposed to that "relax your eyes and if you stare long enough you'll see a boat" poster print.

Ok, something good, something good.

You look thin and your makeup is quite pretty and understated.

And sweet bow/veil/side ponytail. This isn't the MTV Movie Awards where you can hit on Beiber and get away with it. Wait, which begs the question, where was Beiber???

The Beach Boys, Adam Levine, and Foster the People: Worst Idea Ever

A picture speaks a thousand words. I'll say eight:

that was one hell of a Geritol ad.

Deadmau5 also known as "Who's This Mouse?" via my mother

I think he looks fantastic.

His posture has really improved since last year's Grammys. He must have had a new mouse head reconstructed with lighter materials.

New Juice Category: Gorgeous on the Red Carpet / Heinous on the Stage

Taylor, you going for that country bumpkin look? Because that stereotype definitely won't offend any of your country music fans. Quick, better get back to your chores though, those cows need some milking.

Katy, looking like a gay superhero. Are those garter straps holding up your knee pads? Yeah. You bet they are.

Val "Yes, You're Reading This Right" Kilmer

I stumbled across this bad boy and had to share.

You're welcome.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 Grammys

2012-02-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

HOT DAMN!

Princess Ri Ri

JUST. ABSOLUTE. FIRE.

My initial reaction upon seeing this gorgeous creature was "Full.On.Boner." Rihanna never ceases to ooze the perfect amount of sex appeal. Everything about this look is perfect - hair, makeup, skin showing in all the right places; even her shoes are dope.

Look up "killing it" in the urban dictionary and you'll see this pic of Ri Ri.

Listen, even my mom is feeling it:

"I hear ya."

Carrie "White Hot" Underwood

I predicted early on in the night that Carrie would have my favorite look of the evening...so outside of me wanting to have sex with Rihanna (whew. there, I said it), this prediction stuck. Carrie is werking that white sparkle. I particularly love the modest front and the peek of open back. Classy yet still sexy.

Total stunner.

Queen of the Night: Adele

When it is basically YOUR night, you have to come with the goods and Adele did not disappoint. The sparkle on her Armani Prive gown was incredible...just watching her move in it was jaw dropping. Even her performance, in a Clements Rebeiro cocktail dress, was flawless. And speaking of flawless, who does this chick's makeup? Because I want to marry them. Man or woman, think about it - if I had someone who could make me that gorgeous every day would be the the gift that never stops giving.

Don't Hate Me Because I LOVE It: Corinne Bailey Rae

I am 100% obsessed with this Christian Siriano piece of art. It is fabulous. It's so much fun and, even at a cocktail length, it still exudes red carpet awards show class. In the famous words of Mr. Siriano: "FIERCE."

Katy "Don't be Blue" Perry

Insert all the Smurf jokes you want here (yeah her hair looks like my grandma's bad box hair dye) but this dress is just bananas beautiful. The craftsmanship of the sequins and lace, the way it moved with her body...and that train! Ugh. Gorgeous. Thank you Katy for rocking the red carpet hard after a public breakup. There's nothing that makes me happier.

Taylor "Beanstalk" Swift

I wasn't sure about the gold brocade fabric at first, but the more pics I see, the more I'm feeling this Zuhair Murad. The cap sleeve, high neck and open chest is really interesting, especially on such a thin creature like Taylor. My initial reaction was "this chick is TALL" but then I also realized she was standing next to Bruno Mars. So....yeah.

Adam "Lose the Girlfriend and Let's Talk" Levine

Gentlemen, THIS is how you wear a suit. Me likey.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats

There's so much swag in this pic, I can't even hang. Swizz's grape velvet jacket with matching bowtie are out of control hot. Alicia took a fairly simple LBD* and spiced it up with a bold collar necklace. I sweat these two big time. More than anything, it's great to see a couple work their own style yet still flow nicely together. I hate that matchy-matchy Justin Timberlake\Britney Spears dating era "let's rock matching denim outfits" shit. You totally know what I'm talking about.

sidebar: fairly certain those are the same heels Rihanna's got on as well. I need.

*little black dress

Don't Hate Me Because I Dig It: Skylar Grey

I'm reminded of a Family Guy episode:

Peter - "Have fun at the spa girls."

Meg - "I'd rather choke myself on seaweed and die."

Peter - "Ooooooh you are dark!"

Yeah.

But seriously, I really do love the dress. Maybe not for the Grammy's but, hey, who is she anyway, right?

And I might need to borrow those shoes.

Juice Crush: Foo Fighters

Most importantly, Dave Grohl. I mean, the guy is just so awesome. If we dated we'd probably sit around and watch Bravo (I read he's into Real Housewives, for real) and drink beer and he'd serenade rock ballads to me and we'd just laugh all night long. Then I'd make him take a shower before we got into bed.

Julianne "Beard" Hough

This is an "eh" post. I don't love it and I don't hate it. I'm just contractually obligated to include Julianne on here because of some memo I received in the mail from Ryan Seacrest Productions that said....I mean.....she looks absolutely stunning, fabulous, gorgeous, best look of the night, dying over her, shutting it down.

Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

The Civil Wars

You're damn right I had no clue who these two were before last night and you're damn right I downloaded their album as soon as I found out. Zero shame.

They had, hands down, the coolest performance of the night, and done in only a minute.

Dude also has a real sexy Johnny Depp thing going on. Which I dig, obvs.

Ice T and Coco Clean Up Nicely

I have to say, I'm not quite comfortable living in a world without Coco's cameltoe exposed.

Kelly Rowland

Kelly Rowland looking good looking like Alicia Keys.

Kings of Ironic, I mean, Leon

I haven't witnessed such an awkward interview since Will Ferrell won his first race in Talladega Nights and didn't know what to do with his hands. High as a kite or disinterested as hell...either way, these guys are bloody gorgeous.

Kelly "Silver Fox" Osbourne

I realize I've been hating on Kelly recently. But come on, when you're a panelist on E! Fashion Police, it's like you have a free pass on the red carpet. Sort of like if you're banging Ryan Seacrest... *coughJulianneHoughcough*

But I give props where props are due and Miss O is glitztastic fabulous. There's a little bit of a "vagina thing" going on with her draping in the midsection, but I'm gonna overlook it. I also am totally feeling her hair, finally. It took awhile, but she's found that good place between grey and purple.

LL Smooth J

The LL Cool J Drinking Game:

drink every time he licks his lips

(which, in theory, should get everyone hammered after the first five minutes)

Amazing concept, but the game turned out to be a bit of a fail, meaning he rocked a decent chapstick and we also didn't see a whole lot of him.

All good, though...I still drank. And let's be honest, do these awards shows really need a host anyway? Not really. Sort of unnecessary...kind of like sideline reporters.

Jessie J

I want to put on some roller-skates and get my all-skate groove on under this disco ball. This is a good thing. I really do love this dress. And I really love roller skating.

Leather. Mini. Shorts.

Dear Chris Brown,

I win.

Love, Ri Ri

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 SAG Awards

2012-02-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

Oh, Damn.

Rose "The Scrolldown Disaster" Byrne

For those of you just joining The Juice blog, let me tell you about a little phrase I've coined called: "The Scrolldown Disaster." It sort of defines itself, but just to elaborate because this is my blog and I do what I want, the scrolldown disaster occurs when you take a look at a pic of (insert actress\actor here) and start from the top...ok, everything's fine, hair is alright, the top of that dress is gorgeous, love the sequins... *scroll down* ...and oh my god she's wearing a sequined corset with jeans and combat boots!!! Disaster.

So, here we start out with Rose's heavy but kind of cute blunt bob. Doing ok.

Let's move down to a white-hot deep plunge, beautifully beaded top. Dig it.

*scroll down*

OH, NO SHE DIDN'T JUST ROLL UP TO THE RED CARPET IN A JUMPSUIT!?

I would sweat this outfit hard in the 70s...as would Elvis.

Shailene "When Dressing Your Age is a Fail" Woodley

At first glance, I was intrigued by this L'Wren Scott dress. At a time when the red carpet has been dominated by black or white, a bold pattern always stops me in my tracks, especially on younger actresses. It's ballsy. And I love ballsy.

But upon further dissection, I think we have a bad Goodwill dress from the 90s on our hands...and one that does nothing for up-and-coming starlet Shailene. On the plus side, she has many more opportunities to wow. So, no pressure at the Oscars, darling.

In other news, I suddenly have this extreme urge to frolick in the scene from Memoirs of a Geisha where the cherry blossoms were blooming and falling ever so beautifully...

Zoe "You're Better Than This" Saldana

In all seriousness, I think she's wearing a $2 Hanes wife-beater tank under there.

A Glee Disappointment

Amber Riley

I don't care what anybody tells you, NEVER wrap your boobs up like a Christmas present. Delightful surprise or not.

Jenna Ushkowitz

Where'd the bottom half of that dress go? I know these Glee kids have been to a million of these red carpet shows, but let's try a little harder, shall we? Make me feel like you're excited to be a glamorous actress/singer, not excited to get high at Coachella.

Lea Michelle

Initial reaction: DAMN!

Side profile reaction: STRIPPER!

The Try Harder Next Time Award: BJ Novak

Thanks for showing up BJ. I know it's difficult to get your pants hemmed and throw a tie on for an event like this, especially after you've been on a 48 hour bender.

I Had To Google: Emilia Clarke and Penelope Ann Miller

I really hate admitting when I have to google who actors and actresses are / what they star in, but seriously had no clue about these two. So thanks to the Gods of Google, Emilia Clarke is an English actress famous for her role in HBO's Game of Thrones. Penelope Ann Miller is an American actress who is relevant for the TV series Men of a Certain Age.

Fun fact #1: when I googled Penelope Ann Miller, google wanted to keep filling in the blanks with "Penelope Ann Miller's feet."

Fun Fact #2: Penelope Ann Miller is in the upcoming movie Robosapien: Rebooted.

I like this chick already.

Ok where was I? Oh yeah. Someone should have told Emilia that Black Swan was nominated last year and that vampires are sort of on the outs... and I really want to shred Penelope's dress for some cool window drapes.

The Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Brangelina

Could they look any more frosty?? My nips are hard just looking at the chill in the air that's surrounding them.

Gretchen "Beam Me Up Scottie" Mol

Worst.cumberbund.ever.

Jane "Labyrinth" Krakowski

Are anyone else's eyes drawn ever so slightly to the middle of Jane's chest? You know, not so much to her legs, or arms, but this nagging "LOOK HERE" feeling towards her midsection? No? Ok, me neither.

Kaley "David's Bridal" Cuoco

Honey. Big fan. I want to be friends with you, for real. But you look like you just got stood up at the altar.

Kelly "E! Please Hire Juice Instead" Osbourne

Once again Kelly proves that she has no business being a commentator on E!'s Fashion Police. It's like she thinks that gig is a get out of jail free card and she can wear whatever she wants and not get Joan Rivers crap for it. She's untouchable. It's kind of brilliant and I'm kind of jealous.

More importantly though, what do we think she has hanging from her waist there? Her housekeys? Two drumsticks?

Nick "Father Time" Nolte

Since when did Nick Nolte become the spitting image of Santa or Wilford Brimley? Take your pick.

And the Try Harder Next Time Award for Females: Busy Phillips

Busy just asked Jenna Ushkowitz if she had any weed.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2012 SAG Awards

2012-02-02T05:22:00.000-08:00

Hot Damn!

Amber "SuperCrush" Heard

It's no secret. I am 100% obsessed with Amber Heard. It probably has a little something to do with the fact that she looks like Scarlett Johannson's twinsie...but I think it's mostly because they both consistently rock the red carpet oozing with confidence. And there's nothing sexier than confidence, people.

Girlfriend is rocking this cutout Zac Posen number with total flair.

Ashlee "Where You Been?" Simpson

Since Jessica's been eating up (no pun intended) all the mag time with her pregnancy and weight issues, we haven't seen or heard much from Ms. Ashlee lately. So just in case you're wondering, she's been banging some dude that's on the HBO show Boardwalk Empire...I believe the guy who plays Lucky Luciano. I could google for further investigation here, but I'm gonna guess none of you care that much.

Anywho, I've always loved Ashlee's style. Certain people are just born with a rock and roll edge, and she's one of them. And no doubt, this dress is f-ing fantastic in my opinion. Some may argue and call it a little matronly, but I think she's pulling it off in a "vintage Chanel\Kirsten Dunst when she was still relevant-kind of way."

The Battle of the Cougars: Glenn Close vs. Jessica Lange

Hello!!!!! Glenn Close is just WORKING that Zac Posen dress. Sophisticated, classy, elegant, sexy are all words that come to mind.

Then we have Jessica Lange turning up the heat in her David Meister number.

Dirtier words come to mind with Ms. Lange...so I'm going to have to take Jessica in this Battle of the Cougar, but only by a sequin.

Jack "So THAT'S What Your Face Really Looks Like" Huston

Speaking of Boardwalk Empire, Jack Huston plays a disfigured hitman, and by disfigured I mean a major Phantom of the Opera thing going on. So needless to say, I had to Hot Damn Juice him, he's got a sexy, navy three-piece hipster thing going on in real life. And this guy below....not so much.

Jayma "THE JUICIEST" Mays

FAB.U.LOSITY.

I died over this dress, came back to life and had to wipe the drool still hanging from my chin. BY FAR my favorite look of the night, Jayma is ridiculously stunning in this Reem Acra work of art.

The strong shoulders give her so much shape while accentuating her tiny waist. And the hint of lace at the back, which could have been open skin, is an even better pair with the delicate beading of the gown. My God, this woman is breathtaking.

Do they make this in white? Because I kinda want to get married in it one day.

The Juiciest Couple of the Night: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler

What more can be said about George Clooney that hasn't already been said? The man is God's gift to women...and the suit. So let's move on to his new flavor of the month, Stacy "I used to be a WWE Wrestler" Keibler. I'm impressed. She's obviously hired a stylist, or George is really great at playing Pretty Woman with his chicks, buying Valentino for them. Either way, she looks fabulous. And WAY less trashy than the ex, Elisabetta. I took one look at that hideous barbed wire tattoo she has and gave them two years tops.

(see below)

Michelle "Hiiiii Cuuuuutie" Williams

Michelle Williams has that 60s mod, delicate pixie pretty thing down so tight that I almost have nothing else to say for her other than WOW. So gorgeous. I typically loathe asymetrical bottoms to dresses, but I'm letting it slide this time because I just want to pinch her cheeks and eat her up. I think that's sound reasoning, don't you?

Sofia "Splash of Color" Vergara

Where black dominated the night, Sofia wasn't too shy to sport a beautiful fuschia on this red carpet. Let's be serious, this woman can do no wrong with that body. She could put a potato sack on and still make men weak in the knees. In my next life, I will acquire that superpower somehow.

Tilda "Yes, You're Reading this Right, She is HOT DAMN" Swinton

Last but certainly not least....my favorite androgynous alien whom I LIVE to see on the red carpets almost as much as Lady Gaga. Loyal Juice readers will know that this woman has literally topped 99% of my"Oh, Damn." blogs, ranging in categories from Un-Juiciest trend to Fugliest to Try Harder Next Time.

But ladies and gentlemen, you're reading this right and I may be suffering from jet lag \ lack of sleep \ insomnia \ or a brain aneurysm, but I'm putting Tilda Swinton into the HOT category!

I mean, look at her. First of all, she's wearing MAKEUP. She has skin color like that of a normal pale person, not that of Powder. And let's not bypass the red lip, either. To ramble further, this Lanvin dress is, well, kind of hot! Yes, she has zero boobs to fill it out, but the deep plunge of the dress gives her some shape and a little sex appeal. Somebody throw some water on my face because I may be hallucinating, but Ms. Tilda Swinton, baby claps to you. Baby claps.

You have made my year.

2011 CMA Awards

2011-11-15T08:29:00.001-08:00

Oh, Damn.

Laura Bell "Water for Elephants" Bundy

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages! Step right up to see a wondrous sight. Fantasized about and highly regarded by many. It's hidden from the public 99.9% of the time, but we're showcasing it to you tonight...

I give you...Ms. Laura Bell Bundy's CROTCH!

*and...cue the carnival music*

Faith "Night of the Living Dead" Hill

Faith's hair died a little tonight. Electrocution by way of curling iron.

Erin Andrews...was invited?

Well. She's definitely wearing exactly what I would have imagined her to wear...down to the nude strappy heels. I was expecting a little more "pageant" with her hair, though, so thanks for throwing me for a little loop, EA. I appreciate it.

Jane Dear Girls

Dear Jane Dear Girls,

You sing country music? This seems absurd to me. It appears as though your taste in music is more of the Marilyn Manson-kind. But hey, every music genre needs its outlaws. Anywho, next time you're invited to a red carpet event, please leave the cupcake skirt and fishnets at home. Girl on the right? You're ok. Lose the 13 yr old goth and we'll talk.

Love,

Juice

Kellie "Ooh Girl, What Happened to Your Face?" Pickler

When plastic surgery goes wrong. This doesn't even look like the sweet little redneck that I watched Simon Cowell hit on years ago on American Idol...

I mean, is it weight loss or a really bad face lift? We all know the boobs have been done, but isn't she like 23? God, Hollywood can be a mindf***

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Speaking of when surgery goes wrong...My goodness. Nicole looks like she could be an extra in The Walking Dead with very little time in the makeup chair necessary.

LeAnn "Bones" Rimes

When your daily battle is fighting the gossip rags about whether or not you're anorexic, you probably shouldn't show up on the red carpet in a dress that's eating your frail body alive with ruffles. Just a thought.
Sometimes baggy clothes that you think are covering you up, really just showcase the problem.

*See Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

And The "Try Harder Next Time" Award Goes To: Natasha Bedingfield

I kind of want to hand her some papers for filing, slap her on the ass and tell her she's doing a great job. Oh, and can I get a coffee? Milk, little sugar. Thanks.

(We're still meeting in the copy machine room in 20, right? Ok, good.)

Reba "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" McIntire

Loyal Juice readers know my hatred for all things velvet. So needless to say, this dress is making my skin crawl and nipples hard in a bad way. We got a decent Christmas dress on our hands right now, but Reba...come on.

Santa-Juice

2011-11-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

Every year I always end up buying myself a Christmas present. Why? Because no one knows exactly what I want more than me. And sometimes what I want costs more than what I'd feel comfortable asking Santa for...

So say hello to what I will be gifting myself come December. I give you: Prada's "Minimal Baroque Sunglasses Collection." These.Are.Absolutely.Phenomenal.

YIKES.

2011-11-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

No, this is not the model for a new roller coaster, even though it does look like an amazing ride.

Sarah Jessica Parker seriously wore this Philip Treacy fascinator to a press junket in Australia. Fascinator. Do you think they call them fascinators because they're so fascinatingly ridiculous?

*ba dum ching*

I really want to climb on top of that thing and slide down it. Badly.

But seriously, how do you get around like that? She must have had to duck all over the place. I mean, I wore a princess tiara for Halloween and kept walking it into things, I can't even begin to imagine this bad boy on my dome. I gotta hand it to SJP for always bringing a little crazy to the party, though.

Bloggers Don't Shake Hands, Bloggers Gotta Hug

2011-11-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

Check out this fun style blog that just so happened to feature yours truly!!!

http://seriousstyle.tumblr.com/

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...HALLOWEEN

2011-10-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday of the year. There's so much whimsy in dressing up in costume...to be someone other than yourself for the night - be it funny, slutty, scary. I just love the fantasy in it all.

It's also an amazing excuse for girls to dress like whores and guys to dress in drag and have everyone be ok with it.

Thus, I give you some celeb Halloween costumes to peruse for your October 31st enjoyment today!

Laziest Costume of the Year: Lea Michele "The Swan Queen\Black Swan"

No joke, the party I was at on Friday had 5 - yes 5 - Black Swans...and 1 Swan Queen.

I don't know about you guys, but my anxiety around Halloween only comes from the thought of "crap, what if someone else shows up in the same costume? Will mine be better? I can't half-ass this." Lea Michele did an ok job here -- she actually kind of looks like Natalie Portman from a glance even. But, my God, I saw some really lazy Black Swans. Like, threw on some black flats, black tights, black skirt (not even a tutu), black top, tiara and some black eye makeup. And that upsets me.

Paris Hilton: "She-Ra"

You know, just recently I was thinking to myself, "where is Paris Hilton? is she still alive? she has been undercover for an unusually long amount of time..." Yes, I actually think these things. Stop judging.

Now about the costume: I love me some She-Ra Princess of Power. 80s throwback costumes always have my vote.

Kim Kardashian: "Poison Ivy"

Dear Kim,

I am truly sorry about the whole divorce thing right now. Maybe you'll learn your lesson and get married for under $5,000 next time on a beach with your family and closest friends invited, no TV cameras. But I feel for you...everyone wants to find true love. If you need someone to get drunk with, give me a call.

Love, Juice

Sidebar: I was totally Poison Ivy for Halloween once. Evidence:

Yeah ok so not as elaborate as Kim's but, in my defense, 99% of my time that year was spent painting blue body latex onto my roommate. Seriously. She was Mystique from X-Men.

Truth:

Ice T and Coco - "Hannibal Lector" and um....I got nothing.

The only thing wrong with this picture is I can't see all of Coco's ass. Or her camel toe.

Bethenny Frankel: Hello Kitty Club Kid?

Does Bethenny have a secret love affair with Hello Kitty as much as I do?? Because I'm seriously obsessed. Looking at her in a whole new way now.

The Most Elaborate Costume of the Year: Heidi Klum "The Body Exhibit"

Please see "dedication" in the dictionary.

Particularly because she still rocked 5 inch heels in this thing.

The Juice's Girl of the Month: Amber Heard

2011-10-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

I give you...Amber Heard. My newest celebcrush.

L.O.V.E.ing this 50s homage. In a gorgeous light pink form-fitter, dark lip and super cool mary jane heels, Amber looks eerily similar to one Ms. Scarlett Johansson (which is never a bad thing). It's a simple look here, but she nails it with flair.

Obviously that old rule of "you can't wear white after Labor Day" is out the door...and thank god because this dress is to die for.
"Dear Santa....see above."
I'm obsessed with the asymmetrical shoulders, it gives the sheath shape a ton of pizzazz. And the metallic gold accessories compliment beautifully.
Can we talk lipstick, too? This chick knows how to rock a red lip. Move over Gwen Stefani.

FIRE. PURE FIRE. Here we have an exquisite Elie Saab dress for the premier of The Rum Diary. I mean, when you're standing next to Johnny Depp on the red carpet, you gotta come with it and Amber delivered.

Ok, so she's not rocking her signature red lip, but she's wearing red reallllllly well elsewhere. 100% Flawless.

Last but not least...in Salvatore Ferragamo.
No words here. Just ogle.

Now you can wipe the drool from your mouths and thank me later.

Diamonds on my...Lashes?

2011-10-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

OH yeah. Bedazzled false eyelashes are happening, people! Happening for a whopping $1,350! These bad boys are 18-karat gold and diamond encrusted...brought to you by the creatively insane people at Kre-At Beauty and only sold upon special request at Barneys New York. Obviously.

I'm going to assume most of us at one point in time have rocked some fake lashes -- you know, Prom, a wedding, Halloween (dudes apply here, too) -- so most of us know that false eyelashes are a beeeeyotch to put on, keep on, and use again. So I can't even begin to imagine the anxiety one would have handling these things. I mean, I'm sweating as I write this. You have got to be one fabulously ridiculous person to make this purchase...so I'm sure we'll be seeing them on a Keeping Up With the Kardashians episode very soon...

2011 Elle's Women in Hollywood Awards

2011-10-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

Oh Damn.

Donna "Gypsy Woman" Karan

Upon further inspection...and I'm talking like 15 minutes of staring at this photo...I've decided that the shiny circles are actually NOT a part of this "outfit," in fact they are a necklace. Does this make the look any better? Absofrickenlutely not. I mean, I know when you're a designer you're focused on your created looks more than your own...but Donna. Michael Kors can pull it together! Leggings, lady?

Leggings...in October...with sandal heels. *shudders*

Chelsea "Are You There Stylist?" Handler

Don't get me wrong. I Looooooooooove me some Chelsea Handler. I want to be her friend. I want to drink with her. I want to meet guys with her. I think we would have a lot of dirty drunk fun. So let's make this post a plea for my make-believe-best-friend to hire a stylist....who also happens to do hair.

Jayma "Bluuuuuuuuu" Mays

Holy bad prom night satin mess, Batman! Normally ruching on the sides of a dress is deemed as a flattering move, but here we have the exact opposite effect...this little woman's dress just gave her "Christina Hendricks hips."

Naomi "Gagalicious" Watts

Is anyone else having flashbacks to Gaga's "condom outfit" worn on Good Morning America? No?

Here, let me remind you:

Latex is the new black. Apparently.

Un-Juiciest Trend of the Night: Sacks*

Sheath dresses are quite possibly the most unflattering, unsexy cut of dresses ever created. Whoever decided that a boxy, sack of a shape could be worn on a woman's body was probably a dude.

*i hope you all have a nice giggle over reading "sack." you're welcome.

As Seen In...

2011-10-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

This delectable item is brought to you by none other than Forever 21, ladies and gentlemen. I literally stopped in my tracks while perusing the racks and racks and racks and racks of clothes the other day...and proceeded to laugh out loud.
If you may recall a couple blog posts back, I fantasized of the day that the 90s were going to come back in a really big way...you know, like if cuff-rolling your jeans was cool again, or Hypercolor came back with color-changing pants (think about that one for a second -- amazing, right?), or tying your oversized t-shirt in a knot to the side of your hip was considered sexy...

...and I think we may be close. I mean, there are definitely some 90s-inspired looks that are hitting the runways today, but people. Here we have a VELVET BURNOUT FLOWER MAXI SKIRT. Oh? You didn't realize it was velvet burnout? Standby for a closer, albeit still crappy iPhone picture:

It's so bad it's hilarious. I swear if I see a crop of high school chicks walking around in these things at the mall next weekend, I will lose it.

Fix Yo'Self Gurllll

2011-10-13T15:11:00.000-07:00

I'd like to introduce you to Kamelflage aka "Camel Ammo." Created by Loren Weiner...seriously...and Treger Strasberg, the camel ammo acts as a panty protectant against your private parts. (Alliteration brought to you by The Juice, a-thank you)

CamelAmmo.com describes the product as “a patent pending, small, flexible insert constructed of light, breathable, body and eco-friendly materials that is placed into the lining of your favorite undies to prevent frontal wedgies.”

God, this sounds uncomfortable. I hope there's some sort of adhesive to keep this thing from sliding around, even in the lining. Yeah, so we get rid of camel toes...but now we'll have an epidemic of women crotch-grabbers.

I, for one, am appalled that anyone would want to get rid of their camel toe. I mean, what would Coco think of all this? I'm fairly certain there's a fan page devoted solely to her frontal wedge.

This is an outrage, people.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Emmy Awards

2011-10-02T12:21:00.001-07:00

Oh, Damn.

Phoebe "You Got a Bird On Your Head" Price

Um. Yeah. This look is a catastrophic fail.

Eva "Ice Capades" LaRue

Eva is desperate to be on the next Skating with the Stars, obvy.

Little did you know, she's actually wearing ice skates instead of heels to prove her dedication.

Jayma "School Marm" Mays

The Ghost of 1962 has come to haunt the Emmys! This is why everyone wore red...little known fact that red thwarts off haunted television spirits. And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Juice Poll: Who's Got the Best Orange Glow?

Nancy O'Dell vs. Giuliana Rancic

Discuss amongst yourselves.

*Personally, I got Nancy by a level. Note the chest vs. face color difference. Always a tell-tale sign.

Juiciest Color of the Night: RED Notttt

Shiny red satin gowns make my skin crawl. Every wrinkle, crease, visible underwear line, bad Prom memory, Carrie spilt in blood thought, and the feeling of getting stabbed in the chest with a boutonniere is running through my brain right now. Please, please make it stop.

Lara "Yikes" Spencer

Anyone else feel like this dress is watching us right now?

Cory "Squeeze It In" Monteith

"Just keep sucking it in, Cory. Breathe. You can do this. Just a few more pictures and then you can unbutton."

Don't Hate Me Because I Hate It: Clare Danes

Yeah, sorry. Totally not feeling this dress. I know what you're thinking...."but it's blue, Juice. you love you some blue." I know. But I just can't here. It's so....tight. And...geometric. And....messy. It's like a bad 80s abstract painting that could possibly have a dead hooker and cocaine on it later tonight.

Un-Juiciest Couples of the Night:

Michael Pitt and Elvira...I mean, his "date"

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett

I would be legitimately nervous if I ran into Michael Pitt and this chick on the red carpet. I mean...they just look like they've cast spells on people before. Spells that make your hair fall out when you hit the swimming pool after school.

And I apologize to Will here, because he looks fine. But I just can't stop staring at Amy's latex condom dress. I want to be there for when she pulls that thing off. Big time.

Un-Juiciest Trend of the Night: Bad Hair

Like, really bad hair.

Charlie's "Angels?"

I give this show four episodes. These bitches already look like they hate each other.

Julianna Marguiles

You know, if there wasn't a bad disco ball \ chandelier thing going on with the bodice here, I'd definitely be ok with this. But alas, someone "shooozghed" when they shouldn't have.

Thanks for Trying: Gwyneth Paltrow

I am super into different and edgy. But I'm really struggling with seeing the most awkward part of someone's middle section. I also keep thinking this is that Michaele Salahi chick. You know, that Desperate Housewives of DC gal who party bombed Obama's dinner in an Indian sari and then went missing but was really just running off to bang the guitarist of Journey? Yeah. That chick.

Brooke Anderson. I Haven't a Clue What She's In Either.

But luckily there were some picked-over leftovers from Prom still available at Jessica McClintock.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Emmy Awards

2011-09-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

Hot Damn!

Juiciest Color of the Night: RED Hotttt

In what was THE hottest color of the night, Lea Michele and Nina Dobrev absolutely killed it for me. Lea's strong-shouldered Marchesa was perfection and man I love a sexy deep back. Nina's dress was possibly sewn onto her body hours before the event, it fits that well. And I'm obsessed with her simple yet elegant necklace and clutch. Bravo ladies...because there's nothing shittier than showing up to the Emmy's and seeing, like, everyone in red along with you. And there were some mayjah fails. So kudos.

Cat "purrrrr" Deeley

Every time I see Cat Deeley I say her name in the most obnoxious British accent. And then I follow with "now let's meet your juuuudg-esssssss."

I'm really enjoying this dress though. It's not over-the-top, it's quite right, with that perfect amount of pop with the scattered sequining and frayed tulle bottom. The cut is sexy yet she manages to look comfortable. I fully dig it.

Amber "champagne kisses" Riley

This is the best I've ever seen Amber look on the red carpet, hands down. Uber-flattering, gorgeous detailing, pretty color, great hair. Thank you for hiring a stylist, sweetie. See? It really does pay off.

Juiciest Trend of the Night: Nerd-Tastic

Spectacles testicles wallet and watch! These are the hottest glasses I've ever seen on dudes. Or are they the hottest dudes in glasses I've ever seen? Let's go with the latter...

I'm 1000% swooning over the optical look. Maybe it's because I own the same thick framed black glasses, but whatever. Sue me. It's hot.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Maria Menounos

It almost pains me to highlight Maria on here, because typically she is an absolute ice capades train wreck on the red carpet. But I had to give props. This dress is FIRE. It's chic and super sexy. I love the sheen - it has an almost snakeskin appeal to it and I love me some snakeskin. Subtle done very, very well here.

Ms. Osbourne

I love when Kelly comes with it, because it's got to be a f-ing horrific feeling knowing you have to go to work the next day on Fashion Police and you were a tragic mess yourself.

Absolutely dying over this wine color and gorgeous shape. Not so sure about the bleach blonde hair looking purple-white like an 80 yr old dying her hair out of the box at home, but....I'll let it pass for now.

Kevin MmmmmmcHale

This is an impeccable three-piece tux. The short coat-tails? Amazeballs. Three snaps in a Z-formation with a twist for this look.

I'm Blue Ba Da Dee Ba Doo Dowwww

I loooooooooove blue, you guys. Like, seriously love the color blue. It is such an underrated color when it comes to formal dress attire, but when done properly it is like my favorite thing in the world. Remember January Jones in the blue cone boob dress? Yeah. It makes my heart sing. So let's talk my two favorite blue family dresses from the night. Katie's stunning cobalt sheath and Cobie Smulder's turqoise delight. Ugh they just pop in such a good way for me. I'm smiling as I type this.

Oh Wait! More Blue: Rico Rodriguez

I just want to eat him up.

Christina Hendricks

I think I've officially run out of witty comments regarding Ms. Hendrick's ample assets. So I'll just let her be the last image for your viewing pleasure. You're welcome.

How You Livin'?

2011-09-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

I wanted to be a Fly Girl when I grew up.

My parents and I would watch In Living Color every week, and every week my parents would have to convince me that the show probably wouldn't last long enough for me to be a Fly Girl...I'd have to assume some other dream in life.

Unfortunately, like all parents, they were right. As good as I thought the show was and that it'd stand the test of time, it was canceled too soon for me to throw on some spandex and have a legitimate shot.

Recently, in light of the fact that I'm never home and too cheap to pay for cable at the moment, I've been hitting the DVD player hard. Good thing I have a pretty killer collection...which, of course, includes season one of In Living Color. I still giggle at Homey the Clown and Fire Marshall Bill, and I still find myself desperately wanting to be a Fly Girl, getting my running man on to the smooth spinning of SW1.

More importantly, I now find myself laughing over the costumes these chicks wore. Do we think neon spandex shorts will ever be fashionable to wear out to the mall, a restaurant or club again? Or how about a bedazzled bra worn OVER a white t-shirt? Knee pads anyone? Oh wait, my favorite is the criss crossed suspenders in the front...not the back. 90s fashions still make me scratch my head...but I'm sure that American Apparel will find some inspiration in it's ridiculousness one day and all the hipsters will be rocking crushed velvet leotards with knee pads and shiny doc martens soon. And I'll be soooo happy I'll be too old to wear that shit again.

xoxo Juice

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 MTV Video Music Awards

2011-09-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hot Damn!

Baby B

Beyonce alllwaaaays looks amazing, but she couldn't have hit it any harder with this bright punch of orange, beautifully showcasing her brand new baby bump. That kid is going to come out dressed in diamonds, burberry and gucci with a wallet full of 100's. Literally.

Demi "Look Who's All Grown Up" Lovato

My God. I had to check twice to make sure this was really Demi Lovato. Girlfriend is on fire! I love the metallic texture to this form-fitter and you know I always love a good show of appropriate boob.

Kelly "Beyonce Who?" Rowland

Again we have some excellent "appropriate boob show-age"...do you see a trend here? I enjoy sexy, people.

So, I'm absolutely loving this dress on Kelly. The mixed textures of the feathers, metallic and sheer are really working for me, paired with a simple peep-toe heel and matching clutch. She looks sleek and sophisticated. Exactly what 98% of the invited guests at the MTV VMAs chose not to do.

Katy "Don't Hate Me Because I Kind of Love It" Perry

Please note the "kind of"...I don't 100% love this. It's over-the-top and costume-y, but I'm really beginning to find Katy Perry whimsical in her dress choices. I want to get in her head. I want to know what inspired her to want to look like Memoirs of a Geisha under the cherry blossom tree meets hooker. It's got to be a fabulous place, that brain of hers. A crazy, fabulous place.

- Insert MTV tv show actress name here -

OBSESSED with the lip color. I want to see a lot of this for fall. I wish I had that skin coloring to rock it though. I'd look like a high-class 90s hooker or a goth chick, take your pick.

Jessie "Crutches" J

.....I know. She looks absolutely ridiculous. Let's start from the top, shall we? The severe haircut, a spraypaint\bedazzled tube leotard, bedazzled WHITE tights, bedazzled cast, bedazzled loafer, candy cane striped crutches...I honestly never thought I'd get sick of typing bedazzled in my entire life until this moment. It's such a good word.

But all in all, injured or not, this bitch came with it. She was like "I may have my foot in an ugly cast and have to walk with crutches, but I'm gonna bling." So good for you Jessie J. Good for you. *said through clenched teeth*

Snook-tastic

Outside of those "blonde" highlight extensions, Snooki cleaned up really nicely for this awards show. I think she's starting to realize people enjoy her for being her, not for being a sideshow act. Her body is looking bangin' too, so props to the dieting. I'm sure we'll be seeing her on the next installment of QuickTrim ads or some shit like that.

Kim K.

Marriage does a body good.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 MTV Video Music Awards

2011-09-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, Damn.

Nicki "Japanime" Minaj

Nicki honey. We need to talk. This contraption (yes, contraption because it's far from an "outfit" or "clothes") looks like the claw game at the Arcade threw up its prizes onto Tokyo and then flew out to Mars. Is this supposed to be an attractive look against SARS? I guess on the plus side her hair is making me hungry for some cotton candy...

Deena "Rainbow Brizzzzight"

Yikes! Stripes! Fruit Stripe Gum!

Remember that gum, you guys? omg. Deena is exactly that packaging. See below and try to disagree with me.

Kreayshawn "Funland"

Walt Disney would be pissed if he saw this get-up. It's kind of fitting, though, as she kind of looks like a cartoon herself. I really want her next youtube video to be a tutorial on how to curl your bangs like that without burning your forehead. I'd definitely watch and take notes.

Miley "Wallpaper" Cyrus

Woof, Miley. I don't know if you've been eating a lot of cheeseburgers lately or that dress is just the absolute most unflattering dress I've ever seen. Cheetah melting into flowers melting into squiggly lines? Genius. Please, no one tell me this is like straight off the upcoming Gucci fall collection. Because I'd die.

The Jonas Brothers. Wait...No.

One of these things is not like the others...

One of these things just doesn't belong...

Can you tell which thing is not like the others...

By the time I finish my song?

*sesame street rules.

SSS&MMM

Jo-Jo got some junk in her trunk. Literally. She attached the garbage bags from out back onto her dress for a little oomph. Kind of dying to know if they flatten when she sits on them.

Kate Cruise

Do we think Katie let Suri dress her for this occasion?

"Ok honey, which shoes should Mommy wear?"

"Those!"

"My construction booties?"

"Uh-huh."

"Shit."

Manly Gaga

All I could think of during this performance was, my god is this an ode to Ralph Macchio in The Outsiders? I was just waiting for a "stay gold, ponyboy" line to be dropped.

Busted

Nice.....vest?

Britney "Don't worry honey, I wouldn't hold it against you" Spears

You know, I'm all for Brit's comeback...I bought the album, I dance to the tunes, I'm happy to see her in a stable relationship and taking care of her babies like a somewhat normal mother, and I'm happy she's brushing her extensions every now and then and laying off the Cheetos. But ever since the infamous shaved head, there's just something awkward about my ex-obsession. She looks like a thirteen year old girl posing here...not someone who's been doing red carpets for 18 years...right? Uncomfortable. I know she's got a jumper on and those can be uncomfortable if they ride a little into your ass, but I'm talking uncomfortable in her skin uncomfortable.

More importantly, I vomited when I saw those shoes.

???

Yeah I have no clue who this chick is. But can we slide those silver tassels up a little bit so they're hanging from her boobies? Because that would be much more entertaining for me.

The Beibs

Wait, I'm sorry. Is that a baby snake for an accessory?

WHAT.A.BADASS.

Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Seleiber

This looks like a really cute high school lesbian couple, just "giving chicks a try to see if they like it." Oh and we got the snake here too. So awesome. No joke, though, red skinnies and cheetah shoes are kind of my favorite combo right now, so I can't knock. I literally almost walked out of the apartment with the same outfit on the day after this show....got made fun of, then changed my shoes. And Selena was a scrolldown nightmare for me. What a gorgeous girl, and the lace was working for me at first. Then I scrolled down. And I saw....a cape.

Queen of the Night gurrrlfriend.

Are You Over it Yet? Well, it's a Royal Wedding Post....Deal With It.

2011-04-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

I know I may seem like a soul-less human being at times, so brace yourself for this one: I had may-jah tears watching highlights of Will and Kate's Wedding. It wasn't the "royal treatment" or "fairy tale" of it all...it was because they actually looked like they're madly in love. These faces exhibit true happiness to me. And that makes the Juice well up like a little girl.

*ok Will and Kate, please last longer than 3 years so I don't look like an ass for these comments*

That all being said, let's talk the Hot and the Fug of the Ceremony, shall we?

HOTTT

Kate looked ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. I cannot stress this enough. What a gorgeous, natural beauty she is.

I adore the long-sleeved lace on her "Sarah Burton for the House of Alexander McQueen" gown. It's a conservative move, yet with a modern twist. Complete with Cartier tiara, she simply exuded royal beauty.

And can we talk about the fact that Kate did her own makeup? Flawless. She gave herself a tad more oomph to her typical natural, sporty look and it was a 100% win in my book. I fell a little bit in love with her every time she smiled at Will and those dimples took over her pretty pink cheeks.

So let's move on to the near scene-stealer Pippa.

I mean, damn girl! And here we all thought wearing white to a wedding was a total faux pas...Pippa said F-that and as MOH looked like she could be walking down the aisle herself. But I have to give props, she looks amazeballs.

Even Harry thought so...

And speaking of Harry? Yum. He can take a few of those ropes off that jacket and tie me up....whoa, whoa, what?! Sorry. Stream of conscience....

Here are a few of my other favorites:

Loving this hat. It's making a statement, yet it isn't batshit crazy.

I'm enjoying the all-over pale pink here and the dress has beautiful subtle detail.

The Queen, like, invented colorblock, ya'll.

Who knew that Britney Spears was invited? LOL

And last, but not least. Becks. Two words: ultimate wheelhouse.

FUGGG

We all know Victoria Beckham is preggers, but this is totally unlike her to wear a potato sack. Her hat falls into my "how in the hell is that staying on her head?" category. And lastly, the platform on those shoes make my feet hurt just looking at them. Is there a word for more than strippertastic?

Tara Palmer Tomlinson looks like she could be a Batman villain. "Violet Beauregard"...she attacks the city of Gotham with her poisonous blueberries hidden in her sushi boat hat. Will Batman be able to defeat her and save the townspeople from blowing up into human exploding blueberries? Stay tuned...

No. No. No. If you're already a Princess, shouldn't you have that whole "style" thing down pat? Or at least have a stylist to assist in that regard? Princesses Eugenia and Beatrice look like Gaga Gone Wrong. Be careful, if you look Beatrice's hat dead-on, you'll turn to stone.

If you look closely, you might find some clown fish swimming around that coral...um, hat?

And lastly, if you're supposedly the next Princess-to-be (and dating the much hotter Harry), I think it's time to start dialing it in. Chelsy Davy looks a hot mess. She's giving me that "I'm just here for the free booze" vibe...AKA the "Tara Reid."

Am I a Hoarder?

2011-04-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

This, ladies and gentlemen, was found during my "wardrobe purge" today.

Feast your eyes upon my New Year's Eve top, worn to celebrate the end of an amazing year: 2000. I remember it all too well...

I was desperate for something sassy and, at this time, I was a freshman in college and the uber-trend was black pants -- I had like 800 pairs of black pants from Express.

Ironically, Express is exactly where I purchased this bad boy. The top obviously features some loud-as-hell ombre paillettes, BUT, what you're not seeing is that the back was OPEN. Tied together with two strings "to show off my sweet butterfly tattoo" at the time. I'm holding back the vomit as I type this, but seriously, isn't it hilarious to look back at past trends and wonder how something was cool? French cuffing jeans always comes to mind...

But let's get to the crux of the matter: what the hell am I still doing with this thing???

Was I planning to resurrect for when it's finally funny to dress like the 90s for Halloween? I have no idea. I literally have no answer for you all...other than...I may be a hoarder.

Overheard at Kohl's...

2011-04-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

"I need to find some new turtlenecks."

Oh, don't worry honey. I got you.

Saw this bad boy on the clearance rack. You can't beat 80% off. Ever.

In other news...

Pop Question.

These jean shorts below are...

A. hanging in a rad 80s vintage boutique

B. hanging in Kohl's for everyday women to wear

If you chose A. I'm so sorry. I was too.

*chokes vomit back*

On a lighter note, did you know that literally everything is like 40-50% off at Kohl's? I was stunned. So you never know, I might just be rocking these jort diapers this summer. Coming soon to a bar near you....dun dun dun.

A Letter from the Editor...and Blog One of Unemployment

2011-03-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

Hello to my loyal Juice-aholics.

It's been a little slow here at Juice Headquarters, as I've recently decided to quit my job of six years and skip town back to the city I love and call home - Chicago.

With this new "free time" on my hands, I fully commit to getting my shit together, starting with cranking away on one of the things I have always truly loved doing: blogging the literal diarrhea of my thoughts on fashion, trends, you-name-it for the world to read. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Literal diarrhea? No that's not right. Gross.

So that being said...here is the first of many blogs to come from a newer "The Juice according to Jackie."

Today I went to Target. When you're unemployed, this is a really big event in the day. Well, at least it was in mine. I hadn't been to Target in quite some time and dammit I love this store. If I could define my love for Target in three words it would be:

Credit Card Debt.

Ok, so I did go with a purpose -- needed to renew those fabulous birth control pills -- but that doesn't mean I didn't walk around for, oh, say an hour or two. Perusing.

Now, when I was employed, perusing would usually end in a $240.13 checkout. What the hell? I only came here for tampons, toilet paper and lotion! Shit.

Today I was faced with a challenge. No steady income = no unnecessary items. This is near impossible for me at Target. Key word: near. So I walked away with two "uneccessaries":

$4.99 e.l.f. 32 piece eyeshadow collection

$5.49 essie nailpolish - "master plan"

How amazing is this eyeshadow collection? I am going to have so much fun farting around with all these colors in my spare time! And essie's "master plan" is a color I will rock throughout spring, as neutrals are all the rage for this season.

Ok, you're probably thinking, "Juice...really? You're unemployed. You should be saving your money, not buying makeup and nailpolish." To which my reply is, "Listen Mom. I know. But a girl has to make herself happy. And these things made me very happy today." And $4.99 for that palette? "Bargain Shopaholic."

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Golden Globes Edition

2011-01-23T21:44:00.000-08:00

Oh, Damn.

Tilda "Swashbucklin'" Swinton

Yar matey! God this is an attractive woman. Does she do this on purpose? Is Tilda trying to be ironic, or whatever hipster term it is used to describe someone who actively tries to be unattractive to prove a point? No one in their right mind would wear a white collared button-up with a butter yellow silk skirt with that pale complexion, EVER, let alone to the freakin' Golden Globes. I'm angry people. Angry. If I were there, I would have escorted her crazy-ass back to her spaceship, or whatever it was she arrived in.

Helena Bonham Carter *sigh

You know, I think it's the mis-matched shoes that have really done it for me this time. Does anyone else think she was slightly inspired by Elaine from Seinfeld here?

Michelle "Flower Power FAIL" Williams

Let's get one thing straight: Daisies will NEVER be cool. I honestly don't think this dress would be cool even in the 70s. This pains me so much, as I normally love Michelle's pixie hair and mod looks...this is soooooo different for her. And there are DAISIES on what looks to be hemp material or, dare I say, linen? LINEN...ok I'm getting angry again...

Tina "F F F Fugly" Fey

Who did her hair, the Bride of Frankenstein? Ba dum ching!

God, and you all know how I feel about velvet. It makes my skin crawl...and not just when I rub it the wrong way.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Seal and Heidi

Um, wow Heidi. There is a lot to ingest here. *yes, ingest. I dabble in TV, it works the same as digest in my opinion...deal with it*

Between the fetus-shaped bow, the thigh-high slit, the 70s pattern and the stripper Louboutins, the whole thing is a disaster. Andy Warhol wouldn't even like this. And Seal...I love a man in all black, but lose the shades and the shoes and we'll be straight, ok?

Jennifer Love "Whatchu Got Hiding in There?" Hewitt

Listen, we all know her boobs are big, but come on. That's a lot of material and folds up top there. Anyone 5'5" and up that gets even remotely close to JLove in this dress could sneak a mayjah nip peek here. Scratch that. Entire boob peek.

WHO WORE IT BETTER?

I'm going with Helen, obviously.

Julianne "Eat Yer Spinach" Moore

That is one serious Popeye arm. How much spinach do you think she has to eat to fill that ridiculous piece of fabric? I'd say three cans, at least...

Hope "He-She" Davis

I've always loved a good half-man\half-woman costume. You know, suit and coattails, skinny mustache and half a top hat on one half of the body, ball gown and lipstick on the other...every time I look at this dress, that is exactly what I'm picturing.

Julianne "Age Yourself Much?" Hough

Question: Who invited you?

Answer: Ryan Seacrest. He thinks I'm pretty and that his family will really like me when I come home for Christmas. He keeps using the word "believable."

Kelly "Fashion Police?" Osborne

For someone on a "stylist panel," this is such a bad choice. Kelly looks like she's been sliced open with a really shitty dull butter knife...or by a surgeon on pills - take your pick.

Glee Chick

Sidebar Rant-tastic: I seriously don't understand this whole Glee fascination. They lipsync. Can this chick actually sing? I have no idea. So why do I want to root for her while she does that whole "Jessica Simpson big mouthed, over-expressive lip sync thing" ? I don't know. It's glee club - it should be live and kind of horrible and awkward and with more acne. Also, the writing is unbearable at times. I could guest write for this show...when I was 13.

Anyway.

What'shername looks like a giant pink creampuff. And not in a delicious way.

Leighton "Grandmama" Meester

Remember when Larry Johnson of the Charlotte Hornets -- god, isn't it insane that children today would probably go "Charlotte Hornets? Who are they?" ugh I'm getting old -- anywho, remember when Larry Johnson had his alter-ego Grandmama? Complete with wig, glasses and floral frock, he'd dunk all over your ass because she\he was wearing Converse React Juice shoes? Well, Leighton looks like she may have stumbled into an old wardrobe warehouse and found one of Grandmama's muu-muus.

Natalie "Who's the Daddy? No, really" Portman

At least she didn't wear white. And I mean that in the non-virginal way.

Halle "Catwoman 2" Berry

This is an unfinished catastrophe of a dress. Ridiculous.

Gabourey "Now that's a Muu-Muu" Sibide

Is that cheetah print with butterflies? I can't determine, but let's go with it. Cheetahs and butterflies DO NOT MIX. I repeat, cheetahs and butterflies do not mix. It's not like hippos and tiny birds, ok? Butterflies aren't landing and hanging out on cheetah backs.

Also, my bang-envy does not apply here.

X-Tina

This is some bride of Chucky shit if I've ever seen it.

Sidebar: If you're thinking, "Juice, what's with the underlining?" I'm thinking the exact same thing right now. I have no idea how to get rid of it and it's starting to piss me off. I thought blogspot.com was supposed to be user-friendly!? Don't they know I'm a technological idiot? This is worrisome. Maybe blogspot agrees in that X-Tina and Christian Bale have some really hideous outfits and they wanted to over-exaggerate it with some serious underlining....Oh well. 'Til next time.

Christian Bale

This better be for a role.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 Golden Globes Edition

2011-01-23T21:37:00.001-08:00

Hot Damn!

Angelina "Green with Envy" Jolie

Gorgeous color! And sporting what I found to be the most Juicetastic trend of the night: SEQUINS AND SHINE! Ms. Jolie-Pitt is flawless. Maybe this means she'll lose the all-black looks and insert some more color into her wardrobe? If there's anyone who doesn't need to look "slim" and can rock a big ass pattern or a bright ass color, it's her.

Anne "Like a Glove" Hathaway

Jaw-dropper. You know, with all-over glitter and sequins like we have here, there's always high potential for looking like a disco ball...but Anne's gown here is 1,000% breathtaking. The nude color and cut of the gown just drape over her body - it's sexy and sensual. I thoroughly enjoy that she kept everything else minimal and simple. Let that dress speak for itself honey, because it's yelling...and I'm loving every second of it.

Olivia "Hot Wicked Witch" Wilde

Marchesa never seems to disappoint on the red carpet. Olivia was one of the early arrivals and after I wiped the drool from my chin, I knew this was going to be a pretty special event. I'm not kidding, I would wear this as a wedding dress. No, seriously. I'm not really a "white" person...set aside your non-virginal remarks...this gown is an absolute showstopper.

Carrie "Simple Works" Underwood

Honestly, there's nothing overly amazing about this whole look, I just decided to include Carrie due to the fact that she usually gets 90% of her look right...and tonight we've hit the big one ladies and gents. She's in the Juicetastic trend of sequins and shine, it's flattering as hell, love the color on her, her hair and makeup are flawless, no gawdy jewelry - just a simple clutch...I'm all about it. Kudos!

January "Rawr" Jones

Ok, this may fall into the "Don't Hate Me Because I Love It" category...I realize I may stand alone here...but I am OBSESSED with this dress. Would I ever wear it? Absolutely not. Actually, I'm convinced that only January could pull this look off. But she's doing it marvelously.

Maybe I should have preficed that if I could live in another era it would be the Roaring 20s - thus, my obsession and fascination with this Flapper-esque gown. *Swoon* the hair, the makeup, the cut-outs, the fringe...all she needs is a feather in her headdress and she'll Charleston her ass all over the red carpet.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green

I mean, come on. They need to have babies, stat.

Mila "Emerald City" Kunis

At least she didn't wear black.

Johnny "Cleans Up Well" Depp

Johnny Depp is loved by everyone. I would go so far to say that no one in the world hates Johnny Depp. No one. Now, that being said, Johnny, in my opinion, takes advantage of this and typically dresses like a homeless person. "Eh, they'll still love me," he thinks to himself as he laces up his mud-stained boots. Therefore, at this moment in time, Johnny has graced us all with the sexified, put-together Johnny Depp that we'd all love anyway if he were in shorts and a t-shirt. Thank you.

Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt

I really do love that the Mad Men peeps really embrace their era. This couple is straight-up Old Hollywood for me, and you all know how much I love that. This is a killer suit, gentlemen. Absolutely killer.

*although I want to re-iron those pants

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Julie Bowen

I honestly have no reasons, just gutteral reaction. I love this dress.

Sandra "Bangtastic" Bullock

I love her bangs. I'm having major bang-envy as of late and am really thinking about biting the bullet again. I know, I'm sure I'll do it and immediately regret it and want them to grow out, but isn't that how the hair world works? We all want what we don't have. Deep Thoughts by Juice.

Amber "YESS" Riley

She's never looked better. And I love the glitz...

You know, writing this blog has really allowed me to explore the essence of "me" and my general likes and dislikes. I've come to realize many things in my three years of blog-dom...and one of those is this:

I'm a sucker for anything shiny.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 People's Choice Awards Edition

2011-01-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

Hot Damn!

Minka "Derek Jeter's a Lucky Man" Kelly

I know I harp on the fact that an awards show should call for more glamour, but I'll give the People's Choice a pass...and Minka a major pass...because her outfit is simply perfect. It's utterly sexy and totally interesting. She is oozing everything good.

Taylor "Swingin' Single" Swift

I seem to recall a few years back giving Reese Witherspoon major props for showing up to the awards season shows looking as glamorous as possible post-Ryan Phillippe break-up...and Taylor seems to ironically follow in her footsteps post-Jake break-up. She looks absolutely stunning in her nude cocktail dress with matching nude Prada pumps (those which I covet). Now let's just have her write a song about ol' Jake and be done with it, shall we?

Zac "So Fresh and So Clean" Efron

Much like our adorable T. Swift, Zac is fresh off a break-up with Vanessa Whatshername. When chicks are sad over an ex, they wear sexy dresses and red lipstick...when dudes are sad over an ex, well...if you're Zac Efron...you wear a fabulous suit with fresh haircut. I think normal dudes would go out to a local bar and get hammered while watching favorite baseball team, but...Hollywood is not normal by any means.

Maggie Q

I am OBSESSED with this dress. Maybe it's the rocker girl with tattoos in me - but I love a rough yet sexy dress more than anything. Chick looks FIERCE. The feminine ruffles on the side panels soften the rocker body beautifully. Ok, before I stop rambling I need to use one more word in caps locks...I'm gonna go with: RAWR!

ECLIPSE

Juice the Body Expert says, "Look at the way Robert is looking at Kristen. He's obviously thanking her, but her gaze is staring intently on that hideous bomber jacket he decided to throw on. She's thinking "Taylor and I dialed it in. Like, really dialed it in. I know we were running late, but...you could have tried harder hon." Thus, Kristen's body is leaning towards the hotter, more sexified Taylor as they both look at Rob with pity. These two may be on the rocks, in my professional opinion."

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Katy Perry

I would be remiss if I dissed the love of my life Betsey Johnson. Her dresses hang in my closet like works of art. I cherish the times that the Jude and I shop her boutique for my birthday outfits. And it was Betsey that created this frock and it is uber-Betsey at her finest. I love her free spirit, her girly, rockabilly, whimsical and fantastical pieces. I am shocked that Katy hasn't employed Betsey as her own personal designer because she just speaks to the creativity that is Ms. Perry. I know you all went "What the F***?" when you saw this...but I went, "Ahhh, yes, Katy Perry. Yes." I adore it.

Selena "Where's the Biebs?" Gomez

This little thing is so adorable I want to just eat her up. Cute Cute Cute. Love Love Love.

The Juiciest Couple of the Night: NPH and David Burtka

This is the 2nd Juiciest Couple nod that goes to this glam-couple and I'm ready to give them more. These guys are gorgeous and always totally put together. Counting down til the Golden Globes for some tuxes...but this'll do for now. =)

The Kardashians

Well, America is obsessed with the Kardashians and so am I. I am an admitted Kardashian watcher. I can watch 10 hours of them in a day. Ask my dad. He was disgusted with me over Christmas break and the "reality television crap" that I watched. "What do you get out of this?" he asks. I reply, "I know what false eyelashes and heavy eyeliner will really do to a face. And a fake tan can really kick your body up a notch. And having high pitched voices, big boobs, butts and drama capture audiences worldwide. And now I know that dying your hair red when you're a true brunette is not a great choice."

Kaley "Penny" Cuoco

I LOVE the Big Bang Theory. Therefore, I love Kaley Cuoco. I feel like she's as fun in real life as she is in the show. We need to be friends. I can relate in that I secretly love nerds.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2011 People's Choice Awards Edition

2011-01-07T17:36:00.001-08:00

Oh, Damn.

Aly and AJ!?!

AKA Amanda and Alyson Michalka

Does anyone else remember Aly and AJ's music? The girl duo was featured heavily in the WNBA season of 2006...just sayin'.

Anywho, these girls have taken their career paths in the opposite direction - acting - and they both star in the hit CW series "Hellcats." I use hit here with all the sarcasm my tongue can spew.

You know, Amanda (top) looks alright...although I'm not so sure a sewn in shrug is the "it" factor I'm looking for on the red carpet. Now, Alyson, on the other hand, reminds me of when Michelle Pfeiffer became Catwoman *the best Catwoman, in my opinion* and she starting sewing leather, and ripping, and stitching, and more ripping....I feel like this happened here. That is, only if Alyson were originally in a nun's habit and she decided to turn nighttime barmaid instead. And....scene.

Anisha "Please Hire a Stylist" Nagarajan

The Juice hasn't had a hire a stylist plea in awhile. Here, we have an extreme case of "lesser known actress gets to walk the blue carpet for the first time." Why not splurge a little? There are people for this, honey! Friends, even! How does she not have a friend in Hollywood that has some sense of style and won't tell her "you look greaaat" with every outfit tried on??? If I were Anisha's friend, I'd grab this frock and say "this really needs to be smoothed out with an iron" and then accidentally burn the shit out of it so we could go last minute shopping for something, anything better than this.

Diedrich "Molestache" Bader

Free Mustache Rides!!! This mug right here, even with that shit-eating grin, has won him a role on Criminal Minds next season. No question.

Cat "So you Think you Can Dress?" Deeley

This dress isn't completely horrible, it's just a couple inches short of being great. Why the awkward ankle length? I don't get it. It makes it so....witchy. Witchy Woman....

Ashley "Oompa" Tisdale

Girlfriend is ORANGE. This is such a bad spray tan that Ash has that "tan mustache" thing going on - dark in all the wrong areas of the face. I'm not even looking at her dress because she basically just blends into this thing.

Corey "Try a TAD Harder Next Time" Monteith

Great...

Hot...

Sexy...

Loving it...

NO NO NO NO!!!!

Scrolldown. Nightmare.

Pauley "No H8" Perrette

Love what she stands for. But I can still despise what she's wearing. Ghosts wearing white sheets are so cliche...now, a sheet cut at vagina-length is a little less the norm. Touche.

Raven "Just Not Raven" Symone

Black Swan gone soooooooooo wrong. Honey, who put you in this Big Bird dyed black monstrosity? You look healthy, like you've lost a couple of those kiddie pounds...why aren't you showing it off?? Such a shame.

On a positive note, your cleavage is delicious though.

Lisa "Broke-ade" Fedelstein

God I hate a good brocade couch fabric dress complete with summer sandal in January.

Miranda "White Tights or White Legs?" Cosgrove

I think it's funny when we can watch the progression of child actors become more and more bored with red \ blue carpet appearances...Miranda looks absolutely thrilled. She put in that extra effort into her outfit, hair and makeup, as well.

UnJuiciest Couple of the Night: Taye Diggs and Kate Walsh

I may be a little harsh here, because these two are very beautiful people. But I feel like both just totally mailed it in. They look...wrinkled. And pretty sure Forever 21 is making a knockoff of that dress already so let's try for something a little more current for the Golden Globes, shall we Kate? That goes for you too, Taye. Black tux, please. Thanks. xoxo

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Edition

2010-12-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

Oh, Damn.

Un-Juiciest Couple of the Night: Jenna and Tito

Well, Jenna looks ok. I guess when you're a superstar porn star, any time you're out and wearing clothes it's a win on technicalities. But, Tito. OH, Tito. Honey, when your dome is that large, you should NEVER wear a skinny tie to accentuate the largeness that is your melon, and neck for that matter. And when you're a celebrity, I don't ever want to catch button-fly jeans on you. You have enough money to custom fit your (insert designer jean name here).

Snooki! Orange You Glad I'm Juicing Her?

I could talk for days about how Snooks needs to lay off the bronzer and self-tanner. Instead, let's talk the dress. Back in the day, we had this hilarious store at the mall called "Rave." And it's everything you're imagining. Snooki is modeling a 1992 vintage Rave dress here. OMG, the cut-outs on the arms? Seriously. She might as well throw some snaps at the end of that dress and make it a "dress and\or bodysuit."

We Have a Situation Here

These two just look like cartoon characters. Cartoon characters with a lot of STDs.

Speaking of STDs.....Ron Artest and his "date"

Is it wrong of me to ask why Ron Artest is even at the MTV Video Music Awards? Someone should have told him that when that rare invite happens, you shouldn't show up with a chick in full bodysuit velvet. Which reminds me of one of the greatest quotes in television:

"Honey, I love you. I think you're a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead."

Holy Hell Robyn.

Could this possibly be inspired by the upcoming TRON? If so, not quite sure where the hippie bomber jacket came into play...maybe she was feeling a little body conscious in her LATEX BODYSUIT.

And those wedges are just asking for a sprained ankle, people. A lot of cork died for those bad boys.

Caption Me?

Just looking at this picture makes me laugh out loud. I think nothing more can be said.

PARAMustache

Paramore is, like, the cutest band, for real (said in teenaged Juice voice, before she hit puberty). I think Hayley can dye her hair whatever color she feels like, just because she can sing with the best of them. My gaze though...my gaze keeps settling on that delicious molestache on the left...can't, look, away....

Wow.

*jaw drops to floor*

*picks jaw up*

HOLY SHIT.

In situations like this, where I am literally at a loss for words to completely articulate my feelings on how utterly ridiculous, atrocious, and hysterical an outfit is, there is only one phrase that comes to mind:

"Cocaine's a hell of a drug."

Where's Jesus on Your Necklusssss Ke$ha?!

Xena Warrior Princess on a lot of drugs.

Is that a garbage bag turned into a dress? Sounds like a pretty bitchin' Project Runway quickfire, right? I think we're about 2 steps away from seeing full blown vag, too. So...this is a win for Ke$ha, all things considered.

GAGAlicious

That is one hell of a feather mohawk. I didn't think there could be a cooler one since I saw Rufio's in Hook.

And then she rocked THIS one. If I were Cory Monteith, I wouldn't be laughing. I would be slowly moving backward...you know, just in case she made any sudden head movements and spikes went flying.

Is anyone else hungry?

America's Next Top Model?

Eva Pigford is stunning. But has anyone who's won Tyra's money-maker ANTM ever become a "top model?" Anywho...Eva loses the "Ice Princess-tastic" theme of the night in a skater dress gone bad. This is so bad it would be a win for the Skating with the Stars cast. *Ba-dum-ching!*

DeadMau5

We'd have posture like that if we wore a 10 lb. costume head at all times. Seriously, does anyone have a picture of what this guy looks like? It has to be some Phantom of the Opera shit, right? He woos young ladies with his sick beats, yet his face is so disturbingly disfigured he finds that covering it with a dead mouse is even better than what's underneath...

Oh, Cher.

She wishes she could turrnnn backkk timmmeeee.....then she would finnddd aaa wayyyy.....

This get-up wasn't cool in the 90s and it certainly isn't cool in 2010. There's throwbacks and vintage and then there's this. And I swear to God, if her ass cheeks are hanging out, my head might explode.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Edition

2010-12-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

Hot Damn!

Miami Vice: The Shore.

You know, honestly? Ronnie and Vinny look kind of hot. Maybe it's because we've lived through 3 seasons of the Jersey Shore and the more I see them, the more adorable they become. It's like that guy that lives next door who, when you first met him, you thought was a huge dweeb and maybe a generous "4 out of 10." But now that you've gone dateless for the last 3 months and he keeps bringing in your trash cans, he's looking more and more like a solid 6.

Rosario "Hot Leather" Dawson

Love Love Loving this entire look on Rosario! This is exactly how you wear a leather dress. It's fitted beautifully and it's sexy, yet classy. Leather dresses do NOT need to be cut right below the crotch, ladies! What's making me swoon the most, though, is the fabulous blue color along with the teal pumps and red lip. It's absolutely working for me. Girlfriend looks FIERCE.

Penn "Casz-Cool" Badgley

*Le Sigh* He could be shopping at the mall right now, as opposed to walking a red carpet for an awards show, but I really don't care at all. He looks delicious.....

Sorry, just had to go grab a towel to wipe the drool.

Katy "Teenage Dream" Perry

Was I a tad disappointed Katy didn't walk the red carpet in her stereotypical costume, complete with neon color wig? Yes. However, there were so many other freakazoids at this year's VMAs that I'm glad she didn't go that route. When Katy does "pretty," she nails it. In what I'm calling the trend of the night - "Ice Princess-tastic" - she does the figure skater-look wonderfully. So much so, that I will overlook the blue and pink highlights that come out of nowhere. I'm a nice Juice tonight. It's because I'm only on my first glass of Chardonnay. Wait til I get to Nicki Minaj.

Jordan Catalanooooooooooo

I will always and forever love Jared Leto. Ignore the two vagrants next to him (not like you were even looking at them, anyway). He is seriously so fricken HOT. Total wheelhouse. My #2 behind David Beckham, for obvious reasons. Oh, and to talk fashion for just a sec, I'm obsessed with his leather jacket. Ok, now let's get back to swooning...

Florence and Her Machine

When you break it down, there are a number of reasons why this dress should NOT work.

1. Full body nude

2. Zip-up

3. Full body nude ANTIQUE LACE

Read those out loud and you're like "um, gross." But Flo looks crazily stunning. She's got that Dita Von Teese thing going on a bit - that "pale face, red lip, vintage dress" style. Kudos.

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Ciara

OBSESSED over this dress. Ugh, the ostrich feathers are soooooo stunning here. Very chic and edgy. The lace is phenomenal and cuts in such a sexy way on her arms. Dying. I. Want. This. Dress.

Drake "Oh You Fancy, Huh?"

Ok. Even though this is a scrolldown nightmare when you get to the....Japanese slippers?? But I love a good-looking guy in all black. I do. I really do.

Audrina "So Icy" Patridge

Funny nugget: Audrina is listed as a "television personality." I would say yes to television, no to personality. BUT, this is a sassy dress. Heart the glitz glamour and glitter.

Ashley "Bitch Face" Greene

Girl gives good face. When you look beyond how unhappy she seems here, this is an adorable dress. It's so hard to fail with black and white. It's young, fun, and girly. Just what the VMAs red carpet needs.

Hotness of the Week and Fugness of the Week

2010-10-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

Kim "Costume Change FAIL" Kardashian

It's difficult to take double honors on The Juice, but Kim Kardashian managed to make me drool and then make me vomit -- all in one night. It may seem impressive for Kim to conjure up such opposing feelings in me, but I need consistency...or so my therapist tells me.

On Kim's 30th Birthday Bash at Tao in Las Vegas, she hit the red carpet pre-festivities in what could possibly be the most epic Vegas\Birthday\I'm 30 and Still Smokin' Hot\and Single dress ever. I'm not sure how she's breathing, but it doesn't matter because this dress is a 10 on the

boner-scale.

Later in the evening, Kim opted for a costume change. And by costume, I mean Little House on the Prairie meets the Housewives of New York. WTF. Pointy toe heels + lace +"shoulder pad contraption doilies" + severe up-do DOES NOT = 30th birthday party in Vegas. It is the exact opposite of what any woman should go for.

The only situation that can explain this disastrous wardrobe choice is this: a rich and sexy Armenian man showed up and swept Kim off her feet - leaving her feeling monogamous and virginal for this love of her life that she will soon marry, thus the choice in dress.

Unfortunately, I don't think that was the case. *Sigh*

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2010-10-09T17:44:00.001-07:00

In light of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, The Juice wants to talk PINK...particularly in the NFL. I am getting such a kick out of seeing the array of pink accessories worn by players this October. My personal favorite is seen below: the ombre pink to black gloves are pretty bomb.

Let's talk about the questionable pink accessory though:

The Chinstrap.

But it's all subjective. :)

Feel Your Boobies, Ladies!

xoxo

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Emmys Edition

2010-08-30T13:44:00.001-07:00

"Hot Damn!"

January "I'm Blue Ba Da Dee Ba Da Da Daaa" Jones

I am 1,000% INSANE over this dress. OB-SESSED. Clearly I stand alone in this love, since it seems NBC's Billy Bush and Laura Whatshername called it a "miss"...whatever...the fact that those two are even allowed to critique is in and of itself ludicrous...but I'm standing proud dammit. This dress is sheer genius. In a snoozetastic red carpet filled with black and navy, this blue literally knocked my socks off and I praised the fashion Gods. Thank you, January, for taking a risk.

And by the way, these are not "cone boobs," as everyone is calling them.

THESE are.

Claire "I Obviously Need to Watch Temple Grandin" Danes

Ah, far from the days of Angela Chase on "My So Called Life," aren't we? Claire Danes is an absolute smokeshow. This was my second fave look\dress of the night. I don't know many bodies that would fit into this Armani Prive creation; and this bad-boy fit exquisitely. Thus, Claire gets my "please eat a cheeseburger" plea, but I'll give her a pass this time.

p.s. Jewel, take note, this color is heavenly on you blondes...less frill, more sex. Thank you.

Jennifer's Body

STUNNING. "Please eat a cheeseburger." But STUNNING. Sleek, sophisticated, smashing, um, I've run out of "S's"...

Ryan "FangBanger" Kwanten

Absolutely dying over this True Blood hottie and any excuse to say or write the word FangBanger makes me all tingly inside. Anywho, I am looooving the subtle plaid in this tux. Very Tom Ford. And I love a gentleman risk-taker as much as any lady out there.

Heidi "50-50" Klum

Here we have a case of "Juice took a closer look and, upon further inspection, really digs this." I still don't love the necklace - I think it makes the whole look a little too busy - but Heidi is just exuding sexy fun. I can see Cameron Diaz in a very similar get-up.

In related news, how is she unsperminated right now? Hasn't it been, like, 3 months since her last child? This is unlike Seal. I'm worried.

Heather "She's in Glee" Morris

Yes, even I have to imdb.com sometimes. I mean, shit, I even watch Glee and did not recognize her as Brittany the cheerleader. This is old Hollywood glamour at its best. Blonde finger waves, red lip, shining gold. Excellent touch with a skinny black cinch of the waist.

Kyra "Gets Better with Age" Sedgwick

Who here would kill for Kyra's beauty secret to looking hotter as she gets older? Phenomenal. Maybe Kevin Bacon is really great in the sack and they have a wonderful sex life that keeps them both feeling 20 again. God bless you Viagra.

Juiciest Same Sex Couple of the Night: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burka

I'm convinced most of Hollywood is unaware of the phrase "outkicked my coverage with my girlfriend\boyfriend"...they don't need to. They're beautiful. And this couple above proves it. NPH in the grey tux and black lapel did it just right for me.

Lea "She's in Glee, too, but you Probably Knew That Already" Michelle

Sporting an Oscar de la Renta creation, Lea looked much better than, but very similar to, her 2010 Golden Globes catastrophe. Apparently she digs black. And goth. But here's where she edited perfectly: her hair is soft...not severe. And her mermaid silhouette is far less massive than the web seen below. Kudos for learning from your mistakes, sweetheart. xoxo

circa 2010 Golden Globes

Don't Hate Me Because I Love It: Lauren Graham

I sweat this. Big time. Heart the abstract. In a world where black and white has been done time and time again, I think this is creative. And, most importantly, I would rock the shit out of this.

*Editor's note: I would, however, change the shoes.

Christina "Flotation Devices" Hendricks

I know I always mention Christina's luscious melons but....how can you NOT? My God, look at those things. They're beautiful. And you know who isn't beautiful? Her goofy boyfriend, Geoffrey Arend, better known as the guy in Super Troopers who, while licking the inside of a police car, said "the snozzberries taste like snozzberries"...but guess what? This guy is well aware of the "outkicked my coverage" phrase. I mean, he knew that Christina was wearing Zac Posen, without a hitch. That, my friends, is true love.

Sookie

(said with Bill Compton accent and fervor)

and Stephen Moyer, TIE for Juiciest Straight Couple of the Night

Call me nuts but I died over Anna's Alexander McQueen gown. It's like a nod to the fierce gladiator. Not fierce like battle fierce - I mean, like, fashionista, homolicious fierce. I love it. And I will defend it to the death.

And what more is there to say about the chemistry between these two? Swooooon.

Nolan Gould

Not even worth imdb-ing...no clue who this kid is, but damn his parents didn't fart around with the Emmys. Kudos.

Amber "Goddess" Riley

Amber did this Grecian frock just right and, might I add, was one of the few people I saw sporting white...and I looove a good white-hot gown on the red carpet. Oh, and thank you for not going over-board with the whole "flowing train" thing... *ahem, Kim Kardashian, ahem*

Mark "He's in Glee" Salling

I would totally key this dude's car if he broke up with me, too. Look at him. The guy looks good ladies and gents.

Battle of the Cougars: Betty White vs. Glenn Close vs. Edie Falco

It's a pretty close race, but Betty White is on top of the f****ing world right now, let's be serious.

Juiciest MILF of the Night: Amy Poehler

She just had a baby 3 WEEKS AGO people!!! Talk about hustling back into the gym. She looks positively breathtaking in baby blue.

Juiciest Couple of the Night: Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe

Just look. And don't forget to wipe the drool from your face.

Can you believe these two have a child together? It's like God got bored and decided He'd create the ultimate beautiful super human.

The Juice...according to Jackie - 2010 Emmy's Edition

2010-08-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

"Oh Damn."

Mindy "The Corpse Bride" Kaling

Wow. Helena Bonham Carter should NEVER be considered a fashion muse, and unfortunately it looks like Mindy took a page right out of her evil diary. Absolutely nothing about this look is attractive. She could single-handedly win every Emmy and manage to NOT get laid at the after-parties.

Toni "Paint By Numbers" Collette

How did Bob Ross get his hands on this dress? It looks like he sparked a doobie and started painting one of his infamous "happy trees" landscapes...but then got lazy and opted for mud instead.

This is what my wall would look like if I attempted the sponge technique of painting.

Giuliana "Cache, Sashay, Shante, Shante, Shante" Rancic
Giuliana tweeted earlier in the day that she was going for a "new, more fresh" look for the Emmys. Well. Hmm. Let's see here.

Orange glow tan. Check.

Slicked back, greased, extension-happy ponytail. Check.

Shimmer metallic pink rayon dress, complete with over the top jeweled neckline. Check.

So...is "Jersey Shore" now considered "fresh???"

Jane "Whatchu Got in There?" Krakowski

Whaddya got hiding in there, Jane? A small child? That is one severe hip extension, my dear. It's almost like she planned for the heat and this extra material serves as a really great sweat towel. I really need a side angle of this bad boy, because it is one giant tumor.

Jenna "A for Effort" Fischer

Jenna finally found a hairstylist but the much-needed fashion stylist still seems to elude her. I mean, the fashion stylist is a mythical creature, that is for sure. One is attainable only when presented with magical powder and expensive gifts. You must overcome the fear of people spending your money, though, for that is a necessary trait to acquire this elusive stylist. I pray that one day Jenna will find hers.

Eva "Robin Swallows" LaRue

Somewhere, in a strip club not too far away, you can almost feel the jealousy and hear the mouths water over this get-up.

Alan Cummings (this name stands alone)

I keep checking to make sure this is, in fact, a man. Because I'm fairly certain those are women's trousers.

Jewel "When I was 17..."

Alright. Jewel has a sick body. I mean, wow. And this color is stunning on her. Now, if only there wasn't so much frill and lace and beading and bows, OH MY. It's too "Little Bo Peep." Although she does kind of look like a delicious cupcake. I'd eat her...wait, not her, per say, but eat a... *Shutup Juice*

Julia Louis Bathing Suit

Oh yeah, that's a sheer black stomach cutout. This definitely takes me back...Juice fact: I may or may not have owned a swimsuit like this back in the day. You know, it was my way of looking "sexy" while still in a gross one-piece. I was a camp counselor for 7-13 year olds; obviously no bikinis allowed in that pre-pubescent swimming pool of hormones. Not that I had anything to show off anyway at that age...SPF Sidebar: you still burn through that shit. I had some amazing tan lines that summer.

Kim "Stop Torturing Me" Kardashian

I'm having a Mariah Carey moment right now. Loyal Juice fans know that, from time to time, Mariah doesn't deliver the goods for me. By that I mean, she shows up on the red carpet sans cleavage. Kim has severe Mariah-syndrome here. What is she famous for? Tits and ass, people. So please show us why millions of people fall into the Kardashian zone and watch hours upon hours of marathon Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami episodes (I obviously don't fall into this category, no, definitely did NOT cry when Kim and Reggie broke up........) Instead Kim decided to play the "take me seriously as an actress" role by covering herself up and, even worse, rocking some horrible train\cape. Ughhhh.

Maura "Broke-ade" Tierney

Now I'm all for color. I crave color. But orange? Really? Orange brocade? I would totally make a couch or curtains out of that thing. And it'd definitely be cooler than this "dress."

COCO

I'd kill for that height. I'm talking about his hair, of course.

She Who Shall Go Nameless

WHY?

There's poking fun at yourself, and then there's Kate Gosselin. Fame Whore to the Stars. You think Jon was watching the kids at home, cursing his Christian Audigier Ed Hardy bedazzled tshirt??? (Loaded question, pause before answering)

Keri "Someone Put Baby In A Corner" Russell

Dirty Dancing meets Marilyn Monroe...I wanted this to work, but the more I look at it, it just doesn't fit her body at all. Are there boobs in there?

Oh Snap! Someone Better Fire Their Stylist!!!

That's right. You're seeing double on Nancy Carrell and Gail Simmons. 100% fireable offense in my humble opinion. Actually, in my really humble opinion, someone should be tarred and feathered for letting this happen at the Emmy's. Just sayin....

Naya "Jessica McClint-blaaaaaaaaghhhh" Rivera

In a ridiculously unsuccessful nod to Gaga, Naya Rivera's hair was an epic FAIL. During the entire red carpet broadcast I could see her dome-piece just bee-bopping around in the background itching for someone to interview her\it. Alas, the media were too scared to tackle this chick after the whole "I keyed my boyfriend, who also happens to work on Glee with me's, car when he broke up with me" scenario. I would too. She worked at Hooters. She probably has far worse revenge techniques than keying cars...

Rita "Is She Pregnant?" Wilson

Ok if she's pregnant, I 100% take back this comment, but since when do moo-moos come with embellished shawls?

Rutina "She's Getting a Tad Annoying on True Blood, Just Sayin" Wesley

Bob Ross strikes again??? That wiley bastard. I guess this is a little too abstract for Bob's taste, however, an artist of some sort definitely got a hold of this as well. It's as though they took a white dress, laid it flat across the floor like a blank canvas and rocked some brush strokes all over.

And Rutina, easy on the oil. You look slippery.

Tina "Sigh" Fey

For those that can transcribe ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, this dress reads as this:

"Close. Try Again Next Year."

Don't Hate Me because I Hate it: Sofia Vergara

It seems like everyone is raving about this dress. Well those people were obviously paid off. Because I can't look at it without thinking about a dead corpse on CSI Miami getting sliced and cut down the middle during autopsy. Or maybe I need to stop watching these kind of shows.

Fugliest Couple of the Night: Ty Burrell and His Wifey

This imaginary conversation just went on in my head:

Ty:

"Honey? What do you think?"

Wife:

"Amazing. I love the grey, it'll be different. (agreed) Definitely brown shoes with it. As a matter of fact, your old loafers will go perfectly."

Ty:

"Thanks babe. Oh, so the kids had some tie dye and I let them take a spin with your dress. What do you think? I say we add a few clusters of balls around your face and we got ourselves a gem."

Random Juicings - My Court Appearance

2010-06-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I contested a ticket. It was really for nothing serious - I got pulled over on a sting operation cracking down on cell phone use in the car. (Admit it though, just using the word "sting" made it sound that much cooler).
As guilty as I am of texting, facebooking, tweeting, talking on my cell while driving, I actually was 100% NOT on my phone when I got pulled over. How about that for kharma? Anyway, I contested it because I figured I may have a case, not to mention the ticket was for some serious bucks and I was feeling rather confident about this one.

Which leads me to my court date.

It is incredible what people wear to court. Mindboggling, actually.

Personally, I figured I'd really dial it in and look semi-profesh. Meaning I wore some cute Miss Sixty trouser pants with heels, a black silk tank with a black blazer. Upon arrival, this outfit confirmed me as one of the, oooh, maybe 5 people who actually were employed.
At least that's what I assumed when I saw the clothing options at Superior Court that morning.

My favorites:
Male. 30-something. White wifebeater (bonus points for it being a little baggy, he may have slept in it the night before). "Falling off your ass" jean shorts, complete with a larger than necessary flash of boxers. FLIP FLOPS. "Louis Vuitton" motif flat-brim Yankees hat.
(sidenote: LV is obviously in quotes here as I don't know that they would ever legitimately create a thugged out New York Yankees hat. Just sayin')

Female. 20-something. Possibly 40-something. Coming from the club or going to. (FYI It was a 9:30a court appearance)
"Have no clue how she got them on or buttoned them up" dark denim skinny jeans. Stripper heels, complete with clear plastic platform. Red lycra top exposing her brilliantly big rack. Gold hoop earrings that fell to her shoulders. Red lipstick to match.

Male. 20-something. Definitely in college. Definitely asked all of his friends for a suit - each friend gave him only a piece of a suit.
Floral tie that hung just a bit too short. Denim-like button up shirt. Wrinkled khaki pants. Pothead hair.

I think you're getting the picture.

As I waited patiently, still buzzed from the night before and really enjoying my people-watching, the woman beside me starts barking about how she had been there awhile and people's names were being called before her.
She theorized that "apparently they're calling whoever has money or whoever looks the best first."
I'm sure by now you're wondering what she was wearing. Biker shorts. Biker shoes. Biker gloves. Workout tank top. Backpack with her helmet attached, clanking everywhere she walked.
Thank goodness I bit my tongue here, because she followed by saying, "If my name doesn't get called next, I'm gonna go crazy. I'm bipolar. I'm talking CRAAAAAZY."

My name was called next.

No More Cameltoe??? What's The Juice to do???

2010-06-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION READERS: THE CAMELTOE MAY SOON BECOME EXTINCT. I REPEAT: CAMELTOE. EXTINCT.

"Camelflage" has created an underwear to rid the ever-loathed cameltoe.

According to Camelflage:

"The insert is sewn into the panty - your protection is always secure! Learn more about how these panties work to keep you confident, comfortable and smooth in tight situations. You will feel safe and secure knowing you aren't "that girl" everyone is laughing at behind your back. The Original Visual Privacy Undergarment with Camelflage(TM)!"

BEFORE

AFTER

I'm dying people. I mean...The Juice loves nothing like a good old fashioned cameltoe on a red carpet night, but I'll be ok with focusing my rants on other things like jumpsuits, couch patterns and Gaga clones...

This could be revolutionary.

http://www.camelflage.com/